Broken- Prologue
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  1. #1
    Badass office lady Nekusagi's Avatar
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    Default Broken- Prologue


    Celadon Academy. The most elite prep school in the entire Kanto region. Students from as far as the Sevii Islands compete like mad to get into this school, which houses some of the richest and most brilliant minds in the area. So many would give their souls simply to pass the different entrance exam. However, these measures aren’t necessary for those with enough money to buy their way in. Such is the case of one heir and his mother. And where money can get some in, others must rely upon their knowledge. When the two meet, things are bound to go wrong.
    Thus, the troubles of a 15 year old boy named Giovanni began.
    So, that's the prologue to my story.... Shoulda posted earlier, but lazy Neku didn't. Network

    A bitch lives as free as a bird that can never be caught. I'm a bitch. I'll crush anyone that stands in my way! And I do what the hell I want!

  2. #2
    Badass office lady Nekusagi's Avatar
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    Default Broken- Chapter One

    This one's looong... you've been warned. Hopefully you've read the prologue first.
    Chapter One
    And Here My Troubles Began.


    Jerks. Inept, worthless jerks. You get them everywhere. Not even Celadon Academy is safe from them. Yes, look up “jerk” in the dictionary in CA’s library and you’d find Kyo Uroi scrawled over the entry. The biggest idiot in the history of the school. He and his band of punks had one favorite hobby: extortion. Finding innocent freshmen and doing them favors, then making them pay money for it. Given my mother’s profession, this was nothing unusual to me. It was simply the way they carried it out that disturbed me. Total lack of class. And they threatened them in broad daylight, no less. Most students came to accept the practice as a fact of life. So did I, until today. The day things changed.
    “Give up the money, Ketchum!”
    It was Kyo’s voice, alright.
    Must be threatening another poor froshie again, I thought to myself.
    “I told you, I don’t have any money!”
    A girl’s voice. He had sunken to a new low this time.
    Mother says to always respect women......
    “We’ll just see what Charmeleon has to say about that, then!”
    Okay. Now he had officially gone too far. I took a ball out of my pocket.
    “Come on out, Persian”
    She looked at me with big, sad eyes. Trying to give me the guilt trip again, as usual. “Look, Persian, I know you hate the ball, but I just can’t have you following me around at school. Now be a good girl, and there’s some catnip in it for you when we get home.”
    Her ears perked up at the mere suggestion of her favorite treat.
    Well, here goes.
    “Hey, Kyo! You can get a girl a whole lot faster with something far cuter!”
    Kyo looked up from his victim, surprised that someone was actually confronting him. I had him in the palm of my hand, right where I wanted him.
    “May I suggest Jigglypuff? It certainly is more your speed!”
    He shot an enraged glare at me.
    “Well, if it isn’t pretty little Giovanni and his pretty little kitty! So, how many people has your mom decided to assassinate today?”
    “Quiet, Kyo. Not around the girl. Besides, that’s beyond the point. Let her go. There’s no reason to go on harassing her like that.”
    “And if I don’t?”
    “Then you’ll answer to my cat.”
    He laughed it off.
    “There’s something you don’t understand. My little friend Delia here owes money. And nothing, not even your cat, will stop me.
    “Oh, really?” I motioned for Persian to begin her attack.
    “My pretty kitty, eh?”
    Persian bared her long claws. Kyo stepped back in apprehension.
    “Let me tell you one thing about Persian, Kyo. They may be beautiful, but they’re anything but pretty. Especially when you come in contact with their sharp claws and teeth. And as for myself, I prefer the term “bishounen”. It’s far more dignified. Now let go of the girl, or that overgrown red lizard of yours gets it.”
    I shot a glance at Charmeleon, who was being held down by Persian.
    Kyo tried to appear unfazed.
    “Oh, come ON Gio, you really can’t expect me to believe that your cat is capable of killing Drake here, can you?”
    “Are you really willing to risk my being right? I can take after my mother quite well, you know.”
    He backed down, a combination of respect and fear coming over him. He looked straight into my eyes, defiantly.
    “I’m… I’m not going down without a fight.”
    It was, quite possibly, the funniest thing I’d heard all day.
    “Well, Uroi, if you’re so sure of yourself, let’s get this on, shall we? Persian! Fury Swipes!”
    Persian lunged at Drake, her claws shimmering. The attack connected perfectly.
    “Hey… no fair… You’re playing dirty!” Kyo protested in indignation.
    “Really? And holding a freshman hostage isn’t? Now, Persian! Finish the battle with Bite!”
    Persian went for the tail. Her teeth sunk into it. No one was quite sure what went down after that, except for a loud scream of “CHAAR!” issued from one Drake.
    Drake had passed out.
    The girl named Delia was terrified.
    “D- Don’t hurt me, please.”
    Her eyes were filled with fear.
    “It’s okay, I’m on your side.”
    A soft thud. She had fainted.
    “So, Kyo, want some more?”
    Rage filled his eyes.
    “Listen, you. Your mom’s not gonna like hearing what you did to the son of one of her top officers. Just wait…”
    What did he know about my mother, anyway?
    “To be quite honest, she couldn’t care less. Really, she’d never stand for you talking about her like that…. Or using her against me. Remember, Kyo, your life and the life of your father all rest in her hands. All she has to do is give the order, and the two of you will be no more than distant memories. Assuming she didn’t wipe daddy dearest from the records first.”
    I threw him a knowing, you’re-really-screwed-now, glance.
    “And I really wouldn’t talk to the sole heir to the Rockets like that. Even if my power is pretty limited now, I do demand a certain amount of respect from my future agents. That is, assuming you ever do aspire to the level of greatness that your father has achieved.”
    Game. Set. Match. Love: Kyo.
    “Just imagine, Uroi. One day, God willing, you may be answering to me. So I’d be making a good impression now, because if you think I’ll forget this, you’re wrong. Now leave. Or Mother will find out about your blatant level of disrespect for your superiors.”
    I had him exactly where I wanted him.
    “You win this time, Gio. But I know something about this little girl that didn’t… She’s from Pallet. And you know what your mother… pardon me, the Mistress, thinks about Pallet….”
    He had pulled the Pallet card. He was, sadly, right. Mother hated Pallet Town and anyone from it.
    “That isn’t of any importance to me. Now leave.”
    As he walked away, I could hear him swearing under his breath. About me.
    I searched for a phone booth.
    “Hello? Ben? Come over right away.” Network

    A bitch lives as free as a bird that can never be caught. I'm a bitch. I'll crush anyone that stands in my way! And I do what the hell I want!

  3. #3
    Virus equals very yes Kinglerlord2's Avatar
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    Jan 2003
    Brisbane, Australia


    Firstly: You should keep the chapters all in the same thread. It's far more convenient on many levels.

    The idea is good and you've done a fair job of executing it. You have a few problems with description, particularly with the persian vs charmeleon fight. For example when the initial order to attack is given to the persian, giving the reader some idea what the persian actually did would be helpful. It was a bit confusing to suddenly find the persian holding down the charmeleon with no explanation as to how that happened.

    But it's not a bad start, you've got a good grasp of grammar, spelling and sentence structure and the story itself shows promise.
    Don't wait for the light at the end of the tunnel.
    Go down there and light the bloody thing yourself!


  4. #4
    A black and white world Blackjack Gabbiani's Avatar
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    Fine, I combined them for you. You should check your PMs.

    Anyway...interesting premise, but it puts Delia at around his age, and just a cursory glance at them shows that's not possible. (unless they're pulling a Ginger on us...which is unlikely)


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