All I Want (Digimon, pre-Adventure)
(if you don't remember these characters, go to my site, at http://digitalworld.washuslab.com )
All I Want
by Blackjack Gabbiani
I can't let him find out...if he ever knew, he wouldn't want to be my friend any more...
But I can't keep it inside for much longer...
With a sigh, Yukio Oikawa shoved the last of his textbooks in his sachel and closed his locker. I can never tell him that I...
"Hey, Yuki-chan!!!" Hiroki Hida peeked his head around the corner and smiled.
Yukio blushed. "I told you not to call me that!" he muttered.
Hiroki frowned. Something was bothering Yukio, but he wasn't sure what. "OK, jeez, it's just a joke. So...the weekend! No homework that we can't put off until Sunday! You wanna go catch a movie?"
"Um...actually, I was thinking about being by myself this weekend..."
The brunette boy stopped. "Yukio...are you depressed again? Because you can talk to me about anything. You know that."
Yukio waved him off. "It's...nothing. Trust me." He faked a smile, hoping that Hiroki wouldn't see through it.
It seemed to work. "OK, I'll call you later then." And Hiroki walked off.
Yukio didn't know whether to be relieved or heartbroken.
I should tell him. He's a true friend, he'll understand...
"I can't do that," Yukio commented aloud. "He would never understand, no matter HOW good of a friend he is...He'd just laugh at me, just like everyone else..."
Even though it was only five pm, he curled up on his bed and tried to sleep. But the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach kept him awake.
"I can't take this..." he whispered at length. "I can't even talk to him any more...I feel like everything's ending...If I can't tell him soon, I'll die...I'm only alive because of him...I would have wasted away years ago if it wasn't for him..." He wrapped a heavy blanket around himself and started to cry, something he found himself doing all too often lately. "I'd give my life for him, so why can't I tell him that I..."
He stopped, mid-sentence. "I can't even admit it to myself...I mean, I've known it for a long time, but I can't make myself say that I'm..."
I know it's true, why can't I say it?
"I mean, I've never been interested in girls...Hiroki's the only person I can see myself with...but if he knew that, he'd...I don't know what he'd do..."
Just say it. "I'm..."
The phone rang. "Hello?" Yukio answered, glad to be able to think of anything else.
"Heeey, Yukio! What's up?"
"H...Hiroki..." Damn the luck! Of all the people in the world...
"That's the name, don't wear it out! Hey, I was going through the paper, and they're showing the latest Blood Demon movie down at the--"
"No, thank you..."
"Yeah, I guess you gotta be in a certain mood to watch one of those. Let's see here...You wanna go to the fair? It's only for this weekend, and they have candied apples and cotton candy, and those big ol' ferris wheels..."
"Or we could just take a walk downtown, or I could come over, or you could come over here. What do you say?"
"Hiroki..." Yukio's throat closed up. He had to say it soon, but he couldn't bring himself to face it.
"Look, I know you've been depressed lately, and I just think that doing something fun will cheer you up."
"A movie would be fine." He sped through the words, not really hearing himself.
"Groovy! You wanna check out that new one, uh...the one about the--"
"It doesn't really matter. I'll meet you on the bridge in fifteen minutes. Anything to get me out of this house." Yukio couldn't believe how nonchalant he sounded, especially on the verge of the biggest admission of his life.
The bridge--their normal meeting place--was empty, save for Yukio. He liked it that way. Hiroki was the only person he liked being around.
But that was changing. I'll tell him today...so that means this could be the last time I see him...
"Yukio!" Hiroki jogged up. "Hope I didn't keep you waiting for long."
"No, it's OK...gave me time to think..."
"Oh...nothing really. Hiroki...there's something I want to tell you..."
"Oh? What's up?"
"......but it can wait until after the movie."
So far, going to the movies seemed like a good idea. The theatre was crowded, so they couldn't talk to each other. Yukio sat in silence, lost in thought, as he looked at Hiroki.
He looks so happy...I can't tell him now...it would break his heart... Seeking solace from his thoughts, he looked at the movie screen. There, a man and a woman raced to escape from an evil soldier, or something. He watched intently, until the couple was momentarily safe. But then...
The woman pounded on the door, making sure it was closed tight. Then she turned to the man. "Hiromasa, I have to tell you something..."
Oh god no...
"I have to tell you something too, Kagami. I love you."
As the on-screen couple embraced, Yukio felt sick. The room was suddenly too hot, his head hurt, everything was wrong...he had to get out of there fast. Without a word, he ran from the theatre.
"Yukio? Where are you going?" Hiroki took off after his friend.
I was an idiot to ever think of telling him...Why am I so stupid? How could I ever think he'd stay after telling him something like that? Yukio gripped the chain of the swing he sat on. He would just laugh at me, I don't know why I ever even considered that he wouldn't...
"Yukio? Are you OK?" He turned around. Hiroki stood on the edge of the gravel, as if waiting permission to come closer. "Did something upset you?"
"Hiroki, please...don't take this the wrong way, but..."
"But what?" He drew closer, standing next to the swing set, but still holding back a ways.
"I...don't want to talk about it."
"I know something's troubling you. Why don't you just tell me?"
Yukio turned his head away from his friend. "You...wouldn't understand. Believe me."
Hiroki knelt down in front of Yukio, meeting his eyes. "We've been through everything together. We've told each other things we'd rather...poke our eyes out then tell anyone else! We can tell each other anything."
Yukio's eyes filled with tears. "It's...about me..."
Hiroki gasped. "What...?" he stammered. Then the words seemed to come out in a torrent. "Oh my god, are you OK? Are you sick? Are you moving? Can I do anything to help?"
The taller boy shook his head. "I don't know...but I don't know if I can even tell you..."
"Yuki-chan...you can tell me anything, OK?" He put a hand on Yukio's face.
"Hiroki...I'm..." I have to tell him...I can't keep in inside any longer...
Oh god, I have to say it...
"Hiroki, I'm gay."
Hiroki smiled. "OK. That's cool."
Yukio looked up. "That's not all..." he whispered. "I'm in love..."
"Oh? Who's the lucky guy?"
He didn't say a word, just leaned forward and kissed Hiroki.
There was a moment of dull silence, and Yukio looked down. "I thought so...I'll just go..." He stood and began to walk off.
"Yukio..." Hiroki was right behind him. "Yukio, I..."
"It's OK...I understand."
Hiroki grabbed Yukio's shoulders and turned him around to meet his face. "No, you don't. Because if you did...you wouldn't walk away."
Before he knew it, Hiroki's arms were around him, wrapping him in a tight embrace. "I...have to be honest, I can't say I exactly return the affection...but I do love you. You're my best friend. Always have been, always will be. You're the only person I can share my innermost thoughts with, the only one I can rely on, the only one I really want to be around. All I want is to be your friend, and as long as you're willing to keep me, I'll be at your side."
"H...Hiroki..." The quiet boy returned the hug. "You've saved my life, just by being there for me...and I'd do anything for you. All I want is to be able to be with you, but if I can't have that...I'm content to remain your best friend as long as you'll have me."
The two stayed like that for a few minutes, locked in a silent affectionate hold, before finally continuing on.
And for that day, if for no other time, Yukio Oikawa was truly happy.