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  1. #16
    Hex Mistress NoirGrimoir's Avatar
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    Default Re: You Win Some, You Lose Some

    @AetherX; Thank for reading! And definitely thanks for the review!

    Quote Originally Posted by AetherX View Post
    So since this is supposed to be a humorous fic I guess I should say that you did not disappoint. I laughed out loud a multitude of times. In public. Bravo!
    Thank you! I do worry sometimes that my writing isn't funny to anyone but me, but when someone says they laughed out loud, it makes me warm and fuzzy inside. I'm glad you found it amusing!

    Plot's super basic so far, nothing wrong with that. Just a few friends and recent acquaintances journeying it up.
    For the record, the overall plot is basically characters change from being A to being B. No one saves the world. No one is ever in more peril than, say, the Arbok incident that transpired earlier. That's just how it's going to be, and I love that someone else seems to appreciate that. Even if Arceus doesn't jump in and hand anyone a magic jewel from space or something and call them the chosen one, I hope you and others still find it to be entertaining, just for different reasons.

    I love how the interactions bring humor in themselves, even when a snarky comment is not being made.
    I am really happy you think that. You know, I find snark as funny as the next chick, but when a story's humor comes mostly from snark, I personally think it gets pretty boring, even annoying, so I'm glad that my fic so far has managed to avoid that. Helpful observation.

    I have to say I identify with Salem the most at this point despite his... eccentricity.
    Cool to know. Yeah, Salem and Cherry are probably the most sympathetic of the protagonists at the moment, so that makes sense to me. Even so, I think as the story goes on, you'll see that the others have their good points as well. Salem is probably my favorite of the mains too, though! (Shh! Don't tell the other characters!)

    I think I will also take this opportunity to point out that everyone in this story is crazy. Everyone. No exceptions. If they seem sane, trust me, they aren't. I think everyone has their own bit of weirdness and I think that is something that actually makes characters more relatable, rather than less, in a lot of ways.

    The only issue I had was the transition out of the the flashback in chapter four. It was a little jarring, but I caught on pretty quick.
    I agree with you there. I was having a bit of trouble with that spot. It was even more confusing before, but it could definitely be better. The obvious answer would be to take it out, but I mostly did it this way because that 'memory' was literally the only interesting thing that day the audience that happened, and it was absolutely necessary to know for the story, so I couldn't skip it. It felt weird to write a small section happening on one day and then skip to the next in the same chapter. Also I guess I just kind of have a thing for flashbacks. Three chapters, and I've already written, like, two.

    I don't know, maybe one day I'll have a brilliant idea and fix it. Do you think extra spacing between the flashback part and the main narration would be helpful?

    I feel like there could be a little more description of the environment. You do a good job of incorporating some alongside the action, but I'm often left wanting for a little more specificity as to the setting. you do a great job of this with describing the characters, so maybe it's just that it doesn't fit any of the narrators' voices.
    Hmm, I see. My personal feelings about description are that when I'm reading something, I usually skip it because most of the time it's boring, long-winded and unnecessary. With that in mind, I usually don't write much description other than to say the characters are in a kitchen or a forest or whatever, unless said environment is unusual in some way. I mean, we all know what a forest and a kitchen look like, I don't generally need to describe one to you for you to be able to visualize one. But I guess I can see how some people would like a little more than that. In the future I'll try to add a bit more of that kind of stuff in there. I mean, a sentence or two here and there wouldn't hurt anything, and if it would help you [the audience] get into things than its totally fine. I can do that.

    Thanks again for the review, AetherX! It was both encouraging and very helpful. I hope you continue to read this story!

    P.S. I fixed those parts you mentioned.
    Last edited by NoirGrimoir; 1st May 2013 at 01:38 AM.

    Official Claimer of the Pokemon Pumpkaboo | Official Claimer of the Move Trick-Or-Treat | Official Claimer of the Items Silph Scopeand Odd Keystone.
    If you like comedy, check out my fanfic "You Win Some, You Lose Some" (CHAPTER THREE UP!) | For some supplementary art, visit NG's Sketches 'n Stuff!

  2. #17
    The Dimension Wizard Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: You Win Some, You Lose Some

    I have to agree with AetherX in that Prim’s description of Bones was priceless xD mainly cause that just shows how paranoid she actually is about things. Actually I liked what you did with Prim, she seems more like an older version of Cherry rather than the wise mentor figure I originally thought she’ll end up coming out as.

    So remember that in my last review I said that Aspen was the character with the least focus on his POV, well you shut me up with this chapter. By focusing the whole chapter on him we were able to see more of his personality, and I’m kind of glad that my original idea of him being the straight man was okay.

    The funny thing is that in being the only sane person in the group he’s also really broken himself, he’s very picky, sarcastic, critical and a against trying things he’s not used to doing (preferring to stoke the fire instead of going to get more water even though they’re both relatively easy tasks) thus this makes him completely different from the rest of the group (I was gonna go with friends but I don’t think that’s quite right) in that he’s not as accepting of the world around him and prefers to think about the things he’s going to do before he does them. But he also cares a lot about Cherry and honestly wants to do what’s best to protect him, so I admire him for that and the fact he ended up turning out to be a prodigy at…everything.

    Also I liked the little joke you made about people taking pictures of their food, that was priceless xD on that note I also liked that you showcased Salem’s and Electra’s previous experience with traveling in how they knew what kinds of food they would need for their trip, it really shows that they know their stuff.

    Onto Electra and Salem, Electra was probably the second greatest character in this chapter, it’s nice to see that she’s more than just the violent and responsible girl but she’s also very playful and…a bit annoying which is a nice refreshments, she has a sense of humor to her and this in turn made me give her more points in this chapter, I think she’s actually starting to grow into being my favorite character. Also she sounded like a pregnant mother that didn’t want to know the gender of her baby when the whole egg thing came up :3

    Oh my god Aspen likes Naruto! also the word is boobs Aspen*shot*

    And I liked the fact you gave Cherry and Aspen rivals…or whatever Brian is. The thing I enjoyed about them was that they’re basically the polar opposites of Cherry and Aspen.

    The battle was pretty good, it was quick but at the same time it had a nice pace that allowed it to show off the actions of the Pokemon very well, I was intrigued by what you did with Harden though, not a lot of people tend to go with the classical representation. On that note it’ll be interesting to see how you use levels here considering Aspen mentioned them before.

    And to close on this now I’m even more impatient to read the next chapter (I promise I won’t take so long to read!) now that Aspen is getting a chance to battle against Regina, I hope he wins.

    Anyways, this chapter was very very pleasing to me, like I said before your fic is unique for even journey fics because it grabs the essence of what the genre is. You’re not trying to create a gritty version of the Pokemon games, it’s the complete opposite, you want to add realism to it and also deconstruct the world and the journey itself and it comes out as a very humorous but at the same time hearty story that I quite enjoy…really, your fic is probably one of the best ones I’ve read and it’s only got three chapters.

    ….this review is long xD and in truth I have a lot more stuff to say. There were a few spots in the chapter where you missed some words but these were very few instances and it didn’t deviate from the story.

    I don’t know what is it about your fic that allows me to write reviews this long but I like it and I hope you can keep up with this!

  3. #18
    Clarion of Revelations Feliciano's Avatar Social Media Editor
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    Default Re: You Win Some, You Lose Some

    I apologize if this review's a little simplistic - it's getting on 4 in the morning for me.

    That said, I'm really enjoying this so far! I think Cherry is actually my favorite character, believe it or not. I just can't help but cheer for her. Her insecurities and lack of knowledge actually make her the most relatable one of the group; with the children/siblings of gym leaders and a better-than-you braniac running around, things can definitely be difficult, especially for a beginning trainer, but that only makes me want to see her succeed more, so she can overcome these obstacles. I can't wait to see how she reacts to Whitney's gym. I'm also kind of torn between wanting her to do really well in the gyms and league (Furret kicks a surprising amount of ass) and wanting to see her get into contests and prove to everyone that Coordinators are just as "legitimate" as league trainers.

    Salem is also really quirky and sincere - a great foil to Electra and Aspen. I love how he's just so enthusiastic about everything, but still very knowledgable and willing to help. I can already tell I'm going to love Charisma as well. I've got a soft spot in my heart for Fire-types, so it's nice to see one in a team that otherwise wouldn't have any. She compliments Salem very well, and even though she's very young, I can already tell she's going to become a star battler.

    I don't know how much this means to you, but Electra immediately reminded me of the character Severa from Fire Emblem: Awakening. I'm...honestly not sure how I feel about her. She's quite the loudmouth, very bossy, and not above taking advantage of others in order to get what she wants. I feel like there's something beneath the surface that we just haven't found out about yet that explains this behavior, but right now, it's kind of rubbing me the wrong way. I would've liked to see more of Luster's interactions with the other pokemon as well. Is the egg an Elektrike? That's the only green electric-type I can think of, unless Volkner decided to be the ultimate troll.

    Aspen...again, I'm finding that I really don't know what to think about him. He plays the arrogant, serious smart guy a little too straight, if that makes any sense. I feel like if he's just going to complain about everything, then why should I bother trying to become invested in his character? Again, I really hope that there's some more to him beneath the surface that just hasn't had time to come out yet, though I did enjoy his interactions with Ripple.

    Other than that, I think you've got a very solid start to what promises to be an exciting journey story. Aside from a couple of typos, your grammar and spelling were fine.

    That'll be all from me for tonight. Looking forward to the next chapter!
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  4. #19
    J'ai Envie De Toi AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: You Win Some, You Lose Some

    I know it's been a little while, but I wanted to respond to this. I just needed time to get my thoughts together.

    Quote Originally Posted by NoirGrimoir View Post
    My personal feelings about description are that when I'm reading something, I usually skip it because most of the time it's boring, long-winded and unnecessary. With that in mind, I usually don't write much description other than to say the characters are in a kitchen or a forest or whatever, unless said environment is unusual in some way. I mean, we all know what a forest and a kitchen look like, I don't generally need to describe one to you for you to be able to visualize one. But I guess I can see how some people would like a little more than that. In the future I'll try to add a bit more of that kind of stuff in there. I mean, a sentence or two here and there wouldn't hurt anything, and if it would help you [the audience] get into things than its totally fine. I can do that.
    I understand what you mean, but I get kind of annoyed when people write off description as unnecessary and meaningless and say that it slows down the story (I know that's not exactly what you're saying, but I have heard some people using those words). Without description, the author's story may move quickly and maintain a level of action, but it ultimately turns out to be flat and lifeless. Without insight into how the author imagines the world, it can be very difficult to get involved as a reader, even with an engaging story. Super in-depth description for no reason other than to tell the reader what stuff looks, sounds, feels, or smells like can be tedious. However, a good writer knows how to use description to not only set the scene, but provide some insight into the story.

    I guess I'll start where this isn't the case. If your characters are walking through a forest, then you're quite correct. There is no real reason to explain the shapes of each leaf on every tree. A little description here and there can be immensely helpful, though. Weather, for example, is something that is too often ignored. Whenever your characters are outside, try to make a habit of mentioning what the weather's like. Just that simple little bit of description makes the world so much more believable and immersive. Especially in your case, where perspective plays such a huge part in your style, it helps to think about what your characters would be noticing. The description that you choose to include can be very telling about the current POV character.

    It all comes down to that good old maxim, "show, don't tell." Two sentences of description the moment your characters walked into the kitchen in Chapter 3 could have told us a ton. This is the home of not one, but two of your characters. Description of the kitchen could have hinted at Prim and Cherry's relationship, how they were raised, how they act, quite a bit. You could have hinted at Prim's cooking ineptitude and love of pastries (a wonderful bit of specificity as is) without even saying it outright. A sentence or two, or even an adjective here or there, can bring so much to the story to reward the perceptive reader. Plus, once your readers get used to these flashes of insight, new doors are opened. You can utilize symbolism and foreshadowing to take your story to a whole other level.

    I'm being a lot pickier here than I normally would, but that's because you're a talented writer. You could change absolutely nothing about your writing and everyone, myself included, would have no problem enjoying this story thoroughly from start to finish. I'm just being a lot more critical than with most other authors in an effort to help you improve. This is the kind of advice that I myself don't always follow, but that's why I'm not that great of a writer in the first place. Hope this helps!
    NoirGrimoir likes this.

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