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Thread: The X-Nauts Secret Society

  1. #1
    Is awesome DarkShadowJake's Avatar
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    Default The X-Nauts Secret Society

    My first fanfic sucked. I'm hoping to come back. This is a Mario fanfic.

    Chapter 1: Zero Percent

    The red plumber rushed through the halls. This castle. This cursed castle. He knew all turns, all pebbles, all uneven parts of it. It was as close to living as you got. Mario stopped at the grand red doors.
    “Well Bowser, guess you weren't cheap this time,” Mario grinned. His gloved hand reached for a ring, and he yanked the door. It creaked, like it was hundreds of years old, and Mario stepped in.

    A long red carpet lead up to a green and gold throne, covered in spikes. None other than the Koopa King himself sat in the seat. “Hello Mario,” Bowser laughed. They were eye to eye now. Focusing on each other. Watching each others' moves.

    Mario was the first to speak. “Am I gonna fight you Bowser, or one of your ridiculous minions?” Mario asked, stepping closer. Bowser got up out of the throne. A cackle filled the rooms.

    “Foolish Mario, you think you can fight the strongest each time. That's a lie. You must work your way up,” Bowser said. However, he was kidding himself. Bowser fell to Mario each time. Somebody else stepped forward to fight. It appeared to be a watery shadow version of Mario, carrying a brush.

    “So you're my next opponent,” it said, twirling its brush. Mario tried to get a good angle on it, but it kept moving. Mario began to get frustrated. When Mario stepped to the left, it did. Mario jumped, it did. Mario punched with his right hand, it would put its brush in its left hand and punch.

    “This is what you sent Bowser?! THIS?!” Mario covered himself in fire. He was Fire Mario now.

    “Give it your all. Shadow Mario, attack!” Bowser pointed his sharp fingernail to Mario. They both got into fighting stance.

    The two ran up. Mario punched, but Shadow Mario blocked with his brush. Mario tossed a fireball, Shadow would dodge. Shadow Mario squirted red goop all over Mario. It burned like lava. Very hot. “AH!” Mario began jumping all around. Shadow swiped his brush on Mario, leaving another burn mark. A fireball formed in Mario's palm. “We'll see how you like it.” Mario aimed steadily, then threw it right on Shadow Mario's chest.

    “Mwa ha ha! That's all you got?!” Shadow ran forward, and slammed Mario into the wall. He rubbed him against the stone, scraping up his face. The power up was gone. Back to plain old Mario. Mario grabbed Shadow Mario, but didn't. His hand went right through, and Mario stumbled.

    “See? I was built to last, unlike you,” Shadow Mario laughed. He painted a red M over Mario's limp body.

    Mario moved, messing up the graffiti. “Shadow Mario... you...” Mario whacked him in the brush, knocking it away. Shadow was shocked. He turned a pink color. Mario slammed him. It knocked Shadow Mario across the room. He got up, gritting his teeth.

    Mario staggered. Shadow Mario had fallen. Mario could finish him off, and win this battle. Bowser pulled someone down. Princess Toadstool! “You attack, she breathes no more,” Bowser said, a grin covering his face. Mario noticed her. He couldn't. “I surrender, Bowser.”

    Mario was now thrown into the stone dungeon of Bowser's Castle. He had zero percent of anything. Zero percent.

    Author's Notes: To avoid confusion, I sometimes call Shadow Mario “Shadow”. I may or may not do it as much in the future, though. And, also, the X-Nauts shall appear soon.
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  2. #2
    noot noot Oblivion's Avatar
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    Default Re: The X-Nauts Secret Society

    My reviews are going to be based on pros, cons, and general comments.


    • The battle sequences were definitely good and well written. Those appear to be your strong suit.
    • Having Mario actually speak was a good decision. Judging by his dialogue, you're putting a bit of a spin on the character. A little bit sardonic, and it also has a kind of weary "here we go again" feel to it.
    • The fact that you're holding up on giving the X-Nauts an entrance makes me want to read more. That, and to see what happens to Mario. Nice way to draw in your readers.


    • More detail about his surroundings would be nice.
    • The beginning confused me a bit. Did you skip the castle itself, or was Mario going through the "final hallway"?

    Misc. Comments

    • Shadow Mario, considering that it was "built to last, unlike you", makes me think that this isn't just Bowser Jr. in disguise like in Sunshine.
    • Odds are there's some reference behind Mario saying that "guess you weren't cheap this time". If so, I'm not catching it.

    All in all, a pretty good start. There are some things you might need to improve on, but you've got a solid beginning.


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