MATURE: World Domination For Dummies - Chapter 1 is up!

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Thread: World Domination For Dummies - Chapter 1 is up!

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    Registered User brickwork's Avatar
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    Default World Domination For Dummies - Chapter 1 is up!



    Banner by Blazaking EX.

    Hello Everybody! I'm Teddiursaring, and this is a fic I've been working on for a while. Please be as critical as you can, I really want to improve as a writer. This is rated MATURE because of strong sexual references, and violence. I hope you like it!

    Chapters

    Prologue - Genesis (Below)
    Chapter 1 - 80 Years Later

    Last edited by brickwork; 20th May 2011 at 05:35 PM.

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    Just Browsing Around Akimbo's Avatar
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    Default Re: World Domination For Dummies

    wow this is awesome great idea for a story
    poor steve

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    back to the start Arc Blader's Avatar
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    Default Re: World Domination For Dummies

    Well, this certainly has potential. Just a few pointers:
    * Try to vary the sentence structure a bit more (so that it doesn't sound like "Darius did this, Darius did that" over and over).
    * The tone could be a bit more expressive - the moment of Steve's birth doesn't feel especially different from the moment of Darius' death. While we're here, I gotta ask: What kind of mood are you going for here? I just want to be sure that you're taking this in the direction I think you are.
    * This is more of a technical thing, but the plural of Ditto is Ditto (not "Dittos"). The same goes for all Pokémon.
    Other than that, I look forward to seeing how this turns out!

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    Registered User brickwork's Avatar
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    Default Re: World Domination For Dummies

    Quote Originally Posted by Arc Blader View Post
    Well, this certainly has potential. Just a few pointers:
    * Try to vary the sentence structure a bit more (so that it doesn't sound like "Darius did this, Darius did that" over and over).
    * The tone could be a bit more expressive - the moment of Steve's birth doesn't feel especially different from the moment of Darius' death. While we're here, I gotta ask: What kind of mood are you going for here? I just want to be sure that you're taking this in the direction I think you are.
    * This is more of a technical thing, but the plural of Ditto is Ditto (not "Dittos"). The same goes for all Pokémon.
    Other than that, I look forward to seeing how this turns out!
    Thanks for the help, I'll keep that in mind!

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    back to the start Arc Blader's Avatar
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    Default Re: World Domination For Dummies

    Quote Originally Posted by Teddiursaring View Post
    Thanks for the help, I'll keep that in mind!
    That's good, but could you answer my question, please? I only asked it so that I might be able to give you more specific advice.

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    Registered User brickwork's Avatar
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    Default Re: World Domination For Dummies

    Quote Originally Posted by Arc Blader View Post
    That's good, but could you answer my question, please? I only asked it so that I might be able to give you more specific advice.
    I wasn't quite sure what you meant in your question. Could you clarify it a bit for me? Sorry.

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    back to the start Arc Blader's Avatar
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    Default Re: World Domination For Dummies

    Quote Originally Posted by Teddiursaring View Post
    I wasn't quite sure what you meant in your question. Could you clarify it a bit for me? Sorry.
    What I meant was, are you trying to make this funny in tone, or serious, or some mix of the two? If it's supposed to be a mix, how much of each is it supposed to be? It seems like you're trying to make it funny, but I just want to be 100% sure.

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    Hello. Kavidun's Avatar
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    Default Re: World Domination For Dummies

    <---------- Main reason why I love this awesome story.
    I claimed Phoenix Wright 2001 ~ Pursuit Cornered.
    Quote Originally Posted by PkmnGreen View Post
    "Mario made Yoshi fall down a cliff to save himself! What an asshole!"
    Quote Originally Posted by $aturn¥oshi;bt213233
    I like to throw turnips at people and say "Take that, Shy Guy!"

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    Registered User brickwork's Avatar
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    Default Re: World Domination For Dummies

    Quote Originally Posted by Arc Blader View Post
    What I meant was, are you trying to make this funny in tone, or serious, or some mix of the two? If it's supposed to be a mix, how much of each is it supposed to be? It seems like you're trying to make it funny, but I just want to be 100% sure.
    Oh, ok. The story is supposed to be crack, with a few dark aspects later on.

    And while I'm here, it would probably be a good idea to tell everyone that I am a very slow writer.

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    Default Re: World Domination For Dummies

    ITS FUNNY
    I claimed Phoenix Wright 2001 ~ Pursuit Cornered.
    Quote Originally Posted by PkmnGreen View Post
    "Mario made Yoshi fall down a cliff to save himself! What an asshole!"
    Quote Originally Posted by $aturn¥oshi;bt213233
    I like to throw turnips at people and say "Take that, Shy Guy!"

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    Registered User brickwork's Avatar
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    Default Re: World Domination For Dummies

    Quote Originally Posted by Transform View Post
    ITS FUNNY
    That's the point, my good friend, that's the point.

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    Default Re: World Domination For Dummies

    POST MOAR I CRAVE MOAR
    I claimed Phoenix Wright 2001 ~ Pursuit Cornered.
    Quote Originally Posted by PkmnGreen View Post
    "Mario made Yoshi fall down a cliff to save himself! What an asshole!"
    Quote Originally Posted by $aturn¥oshi;bt213233
    I like to throw turnips at people and say "Take that, Shy Guy!"

  13. #13
    Registered User brickwork's Avatar
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    Default Re: World Domination For Dummies

    Quote Originally Posted by Transform View Post
    POST MOAR I CRAVE MOAR
    I have nearly finished the next chapter. It will be up soon.

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    Registered User brickwork's Avatar
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    Default Re: World Domination For Dummies

    Here is the next chapter! Any feedback, praise, criticism, whatever is welcomed, and I hope you enjoy it.

    Last edited by brickwork; 19th May 2011 at 04:20 PM.

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    Default Re: World Domination For Dummies - Chapter 1 is up!

    "Fuck! Er, I mean, that is very unfortunate."

    ^ BEST LINE EVER.

    Anyway, it's [/i] not [i/]. The italics didn't show.
    I claimed Phoenix Wright 2001 ~ Pursuit Cornered.
    Quote Originally Posted by PkmnGreen View Post
    "Mario made Yoshi fall down a cliff to save himself! What an asshole!"
    Quote Originally Posted by $aturn¥oshi;bt213233
    I like to throw turnips at people and say "Take that, Shy Guy!"

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