a.k.a. Grey's Misadventures in Blunderland
Rated PG for mild language and occasional slight innuendo.
This is what I call a lolfic. It's not one of those masterful comedies, just pure laughs. Basically, what I'm giving you is a walkthrough of Fire Red from my character Grey's POV, taking the mickey out of anything and everything. Enjoy, laugh, and tell me what you reckon.
By the way, this is not meant to be a grammatical masterpiece. It's deliberately choppy and full of one-liners. Literally.
Chapter One-Pallet Town
I meet Professor Oak. I get a lecture about stuff I already know.
I am a boy.
My name is Grey. Yes.
This is Oak’s grandson. He’s been my rival since we both were babies.
His name is Brown. Yes. This old man has Alzheimer’s.
My very own Pokémon legend is about to unfold! Whuppee.
A world of dreams and adventures with Pokémon awaits. I’m so excited. Not.
I played with the NES. Okay! It’s time to go!
I booted up the PC. I withdrew a Potion. What’s this? I’m not Harry Potter...
I talked to my mom. Apparently all boys leave home someday.
How did you know that?
It said so on TV.
Oh well, that explains it. TV is always right.
And Professor Oak from next door is looking for me. Creepy.
That’s it? I just get kicked out? I’m ten, for crying out loud!
...Fine. See ya!
I went next door, but the only one there is a girl with a map.
It’s Daisy. She reckons her brother, Brown, is out at her Grandpa’s lab.
Your grandpa? Remember, I’m a noob Trainer. I don’t know your Grandpa! Sheesh...
Fine. Just ignore me.
Hang on...the letterbox outside says “Brown’s house.”
But I thought that Mom said the Professor lived here!
I enter the lab and talk to some guys in white coats.
They both study Pokémon as Professor Oak’s aide. I never would have guessed.
The woman in green just gushes about how wonderful Professor Oak is. Blech.
There’s a guy with brown hair. Let’s chat to him.
What, it’s only Grey? ONLY Grey? Who does this guy think he is!
And Gramps isn’t around. Everybody but me has a grandfather in this town!!
Hold on... Maybe this is Brown! That would make sense.
Then he’d be Daisy’s brother, and Oak would be their grandfather. Dilemma solved.
But now, we have a missing Professor. Oh joy.
There are three buildings in town. If that even constitutes a town.
They’re all devoid of useful information. Great. Heck, I’m out of here!
Going south. Nope, can’t swim. I’m ten, and I can’t get in the water. Great.
Let’s go north. Ooh, I can see grass. Let’s go!
Huh? Someone’s yelling at me!
It’s Oak! Where did he come from? I just scoured all of Pallet for you!
Whaddya mean, it’s unsafe?
I need my own Pokémon, do I? Shows how much you know.
I can handle this myself, thanks! Urk!
What? Huh? No! I don’t wanna go with you!
Mom told me never to go with strangers!
Oh, sod it, we’re back in the second-rate lab.
And Brown is fed up with waiting. Reminds me of Epsilon...
And now the Professor is trying to remember why there’s two ten-year-olds in his lab.
Yup. Alzheimer’s. Definitely.
Now he remembers! He told us to come. Yes, we’re waiting.
Three Pokémon? I never would have guessed...
The PokéBalls were a dead giveaway. What’s so funny?
The Pokémon are held inside the PokéBalls. Are you deaf as well?
Ooh, he was a serious Pokémon Trainer when he was young.
We’d better watch out, eh Brown? Haha.
But now, he only has three left.
The rest probably died waiting for him to remember they existed.
I can have one? Just like that? Seriously? Awesome!
What are they? Dragonite? Gyarados? Moltres? Let’s go see...
Yes, Brown can have one too. No shtick.
First PokéBall. It’s a... midgetized dinosaur with a piece of mouldy garlic on its back.
Apparently, it’s easy to raise, but who cares? It looks like it sucks. No. Do not want.
Next one. Hopefully not a vegetable. Oh my. A turtle. It looks like it wants a hug.
It’s worth raising, huh? You think? No me gusta.
Please, let the third one be respectable! Ooh, now this is wicked!
It’s still puny, but it burns hot. I should raise it patiently, huh?
If that’s the selection, I’m going with the salamander thingy. Yes!
Holy Arceus, it’s really quite energetic!
A nickname...hmm. I’ll call you...nah.
Who came up with the dumb idea of nicknames, anyway? Charmander it is.
A Fire-type. Burn, baby, burn.
Brown took the hugging turtle. Loser.
I got the only good one! *sticks tongue out at Brown*
Let’s get out of this dump.
Huh? Brown wants to check out our Pokémon. Ooh, a battle.
Bring it on, sucker.
Rival Brown would like to battle. He just told me that. I’m not completely thick!
He sent out Squirtle. No! I do not want a hug!
Oak reckons he’s being pushy. What are you saying? I agreed to this!
Never had a Pokémon battle? Of course I have! I’m the Sinnoh League Champion!
Hang on, wrong incarnation.
Blah blah blah, another lecture. Battle, pit, HP, 0, talking, experience, try, yourself.
Eh? What? Oh. I can wake up now.
What will Charmander do? Well...
Will Charmander “Bag”? Bag what? Never mind for now...
Will he “Pokémon”? What is this? ESOL class?
Or will he “Run”? Running’s good. I can’t hit him from here!
What do you mean there’s no running away?
I meant run towards, not away!
I guess that means he’ll “Fight”.
What? Will he “Scratch”, or will he “Growl”? I don’t see growling being very useful...
Scratch! Teehee, I’m faster than you!
What? Oak’s talking again? Can we just have this battle, please?
Huh? Tail Whip? Charmander’s Defense fell? Aw, snap! Scratch it again!
It’s Tackling Charmander! I told you it wanted a hug!
Just keep Scratching...
Scratch. Tail Whip. Scratch. Tackle. Scratch.
Yay, it died! No, wait. Fainted. Oh, it’s fragile!
Charmander gained 70 Exp. Points! Ooh... Charmander grew to level 6!
Oh joy! Oh happiness! Nothing can stop us now!
A few random numbers later...
I defeated Rival Brown. Uh-huh! *does victory dance*
Oh, unbelievable, is it?
Yes, you did pick the wrong Pokémon. Why? What did you see in that turtle?
Ooh, he gave me money! How sweet...
80 bucks... Awesome! I can buy Pokémon Diamond with this!
Snore...Oak’s droning again...
Oh? Brown’s gonna make his Pokémon battle to toughen it up. It sure needs it!
Smell me later? Say WHAT? Sicko...
OK...as I was saying, let’s get out of here!