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  1. #16
    ◓Gypsy Vanner Horse Kyuuketsuki's Avatar
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    Default §5: Compromised

    ‘Tell me what you know. Now.’

    ‘I won’t,’ she laughed, blood trickling down her chin. ‘You know all that you need to know.’

    ‘If you don’t talk, I’ll have to-’

    *


    The rays of the morning sun barely made it through the thick leaves and branches. The pair had been taking shifts to guard the camp all night, with the other taking a rest in the tent that Seer eventually took apart and returned to the tree.

    The fire was almost impossible to put out, and the perfectly circular piece of wood was almost the same size, with the only signs of fire being the burned edges.

    ‘You can meet me here in an hour,’ Seer said. ‘I’ll be walking.’

    ‘Is that a morning routine of yours?’ Galen grinned. ‘You didn’t seem like the routine type.’

    ‘No, I guess not,’ Seer smiled. ‘But we’re all hiding something, aren’t we? Especially me, according to you; I just have a safe full of secrets, don’t I?’

    Seer turned away quickly, not wanting anything Galen might say to stop him. He had to take a break from their interactions, and the long night didn’t help. He passed many familiar trees, and many new ones; the forest had changed a lot since he had last been here, but one thing wouldn’t be able to change, and he made sure of that.

    A single right turn, and he arrived at a clearing. The grass in that particular area was yellow, as opposed to the thick green of the rest of the forest, the trees made a perfect circle, only splitting apart at the opening to the vast field Seer had walked to the center of.

    ‘Hello, friend,’ he knelt down and hovered his hand above the grass, which shivered upwards, as if trying to shake Seer’s hand. ‘I made a promise that I would visit you, and here I am. It’s been more than a year; I’m not sure if time passes by the same for you, but it has been more than a year, and in case you forgot, that’s a very long time to me. I missed you.’

    The trees shivered along with the grass, and produced a slight whistle that matched Seer’s faded whispers. Fallen leaves flew to him, and started circling around him like a typhoon that grew broader, and covered the entire field in it’s calm.

    ‘Hello, Seer,’ her voice broke the silence; the leaves fell to the ground, the grass and the trees stopped moving, and Seer jumped back up to his feet. ‘Still dwelling in the past, I see.’

    Seer’s words escaped him, and he found himself at her mercy. She took slow steps towards him, as if gliding through the air, and she settled just a few meters in front of him. She studied the area around them, before turning back to Seer.

    ‘You should’ve allowed the grass to grow here,’ she frowned. ‘It’s not nice how you stopped everything here. It’s like you stopped time, right?’

    ‘Why are you here?’ he finally said. ‘We’re are not allowed to even see each other.’

    ‘Because a certain paranoid woman said so,’ she sighed. ‘Yes, I remember, but she knows how I am, and I can’t possibly stop myself from seeing you. I love you, Seer, more than anything in the world, and I know you don’t love me back.’

    ‘I hate you,’ Seer corrected. ‘More than anything. But love and hate is the same to you, isn’t it?’

    ‘You’re too rude to me,’ she stomped her foot, and crossed her arms. ‘You’re always trying to hurt me. I don’t like it.’

    ‘You should go away,’ Seer said. ‘Before Galen sees you.’

    ‘Speaking of which, I saw someone in the forest,’ she smiled. ‘He was interesting to say the least.’

    ‘Who was it?’ Seer said, trying hard to keep his calm; he knew she wanted to provoke him.

    ‘How much is that information worth to you?’ she smiled. ‘What would you do to get it from me?’

    ‘Just tell me.’

    ‘No,’ she insisted. ‘That will just have to wait.’

    ‘What did you see in the trees?’ Seer began raising his voice. ‘Who did you talk to?’

    ‘Relax, Seer-’

    ‘Relax?! You could’ve killed the one person I care about with your irrational behavior!’

    She took a long pause in which she observed Seer. ‘It was Galen,’ she sighed. ‘I spoke to him yesterday. I know I’m not allowed to, but I couldn’t resist. And don’t scream at me.’

    ‘Why would you go against our orders?’ Seer said, his voice becoming calm once more. ‘You know what’s at stake here.’

    ‘Fine, I’ll stop,’ she said, waving her hands in the air frantically. ‘Just let me talk to him one last time. I promise I won’t tell him anything.’

    ‘No, it’s too dangerous,’ Seer said, stepping away from the girl, and back to his previous spot. ‘But knowing you, my words don’t matter.’

    He dropped to the ground, and sat in the center of the clearing. He knew that telling Galen about who the girl was, and her connection would endanger many lives, but Galen wasn’t dense; he probably figured there was a connection between Seer the girl, and that would just make him more distrusting throughout their time travelling together.

    A rustle drew Seer’s attention to the side of the clearing, where Galen had just emerged. He searched the area before landing his eyes on Seer.

    ‘I said I wanted to be alone,’ said Seer. ‘Why did you follow me, Galen?’

    ‘I didn’t follow you,’ explained Galen. ‘I didn’t know you were here, and I was chasing the Pokémon that had attacked me.’

    ‘You seem hurt,’ Seer pointed at the obvious bleeding wounds Galen suffered. ‘And you’re bleeding.’

    ‘I’m aware of that,’ sighed Galen. ‘Would you like to point out the trees as well?’

    ‘They are quite lovely,’ echoed Seer, much to Galen’s annoyance. ‘Come here, I’ll take care of those cuts.’

    ‘That won’t be necessary; I can take care of myself.’

    ‘But it’s my job, and I quite like looking after you,’ Seer smiled. ‘You’re like a child I used to know.’

    Galen frowned, but surrendered himself over to Seer’s care. They walked back to their camp, where Seer started fiddling with a first aids kit and Galen’s wounds; he had suffered a few cuts on his arms and cheeks. Galen seemed distant, and deep in his thoughts when Seer spoke.

    ‘I’m sorry, I’ll be more gentle,’ said Seer. ‘You should’ve said something.’

    ‘What are you saying?’ Galen snapped back into reality.

    ‘You’re tearing up,’ Seer pointed at Galen’s eyes. ‘I assume I was a little too rough.’

    ‘I wasn’t aware of that,’ said Galen. ‘Maybe something got in my eye.’

    ‘Sure, something got in your eye.’

    Seer returned to treating Galen’s wounds, and the awkwardness between the two seemed to rise; something that Galen didn’t think was possible.

    ‘Just for the record, Galen,’ started Seer. ‘You lie, just like everyone else.’

    ‘How would you know?’

    ‘There’s something you should know, Galen,’ Seer said, ignoring Galen’s previous question. ‘Quite a number of things that you should know. As you have accused me of so many times, I am hiding a lot of things from you. They’re for your own good, as well as many others, who could lose their lives if I do anything wrong. You will encounter some interesting people along the way, you can tell them whatever you want, but not what happened in this forest, especially the girl.’

    ‘Who was she?’ Galen said, drawing the one detail he wanted into attention; Seer knew the girl.

    ‘You don’t need to know,’ said Seer. ‘Just forget her, she shouldn’t bother you again, and if she does, you should let me know.’

    ‘She said she knew about my family,’ Galen said. ‘Do you know what happened, too?’

    ‘No, and she lied,’ Seer said. ‘Just one of the many reasons why you shouldn’t trust her.’

    ‘How can I trust you?’ Galen said. ‘You could be lying as well.’

    ‘At least I’m not trying to kill you.’
    Last edited by Kyuuketsuki; 12th March 2013 at 09:17 AM.

  2. #17
    ◓Gypsy Vanner Horse Kyuuketsuki's Avatar
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    Default §6: A Life Behind

    It was a stormy night; the night Galen had left the circus in search of his parents’ past. Mr. Yarlott had hoped to stop him, but failed to do so, and it pained him to know that Galen could die at any second, and he would be held responsible by the rest of the circus for not protecting him.

    The boy was young when he joined the circus along with his parents, and the energy he brought with him revived all members of the circus. Mr. Yarlott remembered the day clearly, when his wife was on her deathbed, and her last words were that of assurance, but they weren’t helpful.

    ‘Dad?’ Raven’s voice drew him out of his tangled memories. ‘Are you okay?’

    He looked at his daughter, and gave a faint smile. She was as beautiful as she had always been, taking after her mother with her long blonde hair and hazel eyes. She sat next to her father, and held his hand.

    ‘What are you thinking about?’

    ‘What all old men think about,’ said Mr. Yarlott. ‘The past. We’ve had this conversation before, and I don’t think my time is long. The circus will be in your hands when I die.’

    ‘Don’t think like that,’ said Raven. ‘You might think it’s making this easier for me, but I can’t bear it when I hear you talking about your death. We’ll all die someday, and that fact doesn’t make the journey any easier.’

    ‘You’ll understand when you’re old,’ said Mr. Yarlott. ‘When you’ve seen all there is to see in your lifetime.’

    ‘I’m already old, dad,’ said Raven. ‘I’ve already passed my forties.’

    ‘Age doesn’t determine that,’ said Mr. Yarlott. ‘You’re uncomfortable with the idea of death; you’re still young. Did I ever tell you about how your mother came up with your name?’

    ‘No, you didn’t,’ said Raven, giving a faint smile. ‘It would seem like one of the first things you should’ve told me.’

    ‘It just slipped from my mind,’ Mr. Yarlott chuckled. ‘Well, you see, Vivan had been reading various baby books, trying to find a name for you. She couldn’t find anything, and you know how women get when they’re pregnant.’

    ‘Yes, I was one myself.’

    ‘She ripped the books, and scattered them all on the floor. She tore the pages into strips, and when she calmed down, she arranged them into her name. With it she arranged a random name right below hers; Raven, and that’s how you were named.’

    ‘That’s not very eventful,’ said Raven. ‘I thought the story would be more glamorous than that.’

    ‘Just be thankful we didn’t name you Jiakk, or Thi, a space, L,’ Mr. Yarlott laughed. ‘Raven was the only comprehensive name on that list. It was almost like-‘

    ‘Fate.’

    *


    City after city, the brown Pokémon teleported Ilanit, immediately splitting up in search for Galen, then meeting again and teleporting once more. She would grab the Pokémon’s wrist as the two spoons glowed with a pink hue, and their surrounding was completely replaced.

    ‘Okay, I’ll go to the museum,’ said Ilanit. ‘Hurry.’

    With a nod, the Alakazam teleported away, and Ilanit ran towards the building. Her dress was battered, and the flower pattern had been mudded and faded. It had been years since she last wore it. Ilanit grew out of the dress, and putting it on after so long was uncomfortable, to say the least.

    Her blonde hair was flowing behind her as she ran, and like the dress, it was unkempt. As she ran she desperately shouted Galen’s name, ignoring the many looks she received from anyone whose eyes fell on the girl.

    She had to find him, and bring him with her. She grew desperate, and her eyes started welling up with tears. Her run quickly deteriorated into a walk, and she stood there, willing her tears to stop. Her heart felt horrible, and she wished to just rip it out and be done with it.

    She couldn’t cry; she had to find Galen. Taking a deep breath, one after the other, she pushed all thoughts out of her mind, all thoughts but those of Galen. Would she even recognise the boy if she didn’t see his face? Yes, his outfit couldn’t be missed, and Ilanit hoped he would be wearing it.

    She rushed once more, and barged into the museum. A woman tried to stop her, but Ilanit rushed to the staircase, still shouting the name. Two security guards rushed towards and grabbed her, leading her to the exit. Ilanit struggled, only because they were too slow. Galen wasn’t in the museum; if he was in any of the two floors, he would’ve heard her voice.

    The two men pushed Ilanit out of the front door, and she would have stumbled to the ground had she not started running towards the Alakazam. The Pokémon was turning around frantically, searching for the young woman.

    ‘Atrex!’ Ilanit shouted, prompting the Alakazam’s attention. ‘Over here!’

    Atrex extended her hand, and the spoons took on the pink hue again. Ilanit was about to grab her wrists when she saw a figure in black and crimson. She quickly drew back her hand, less than a second before Alakazam teleported away, and reappeared at her side.

    She offered the girl her hand again, but Ilanit refused to teleport away. She pointed at Galen, speechless as the small figure approached. He was crouched; the same walk as always, hair as dark as the night, exactly as she remembered him.

    Atrex wrapped her hand around Ilanit’s waist, and the pair zoomed forward.

    ‘Galen!’

    His head flung upwards, but a red-haired boy quickly blocked her view.

    ‘Who are you?’

    ‘That’s Ilanit, calm down,’ said Galen, pushing Seer aside. ‘What are you doing here?’

    Galen would have been glad to see her had she not been panting and looked distressed. He walked over to her, and placed his hand on her shoulder.

    ‘Ilanit?’ said Galen. ‘Are you okay?’

    It was then that he noticed Atrex; she was panting as well. The brown Pokémon had clearly pushed her limits, and she wasn’t as young as she had been, her thin face showing signs of her true age.

    Ilanit’s hand rested on Galen’s shoulder as she almost fell, the boy immediately supporting her.

    ‘You’re scaring me, tell me what’s wrong!’

    Seer took a step back, hanging his head as he did so. Ilanit threw one glance his way before she turned to Galen. Once again, she started tearing up.

    ‘It’s grandpa,’ said Ilanit. ‘He passed away.’

    ‘Mr. Yarlott?’

    He hoped it wouldn’t be real, but Ilanit gave a nod. Galen let out the breath he had been holding. How could Mr. Yarlott die? Galen’s stand started waning, and like Ilanit, he almost broke into tears. Going away was too stupid of him; running from the circus was the biggest mistake of his life. He didn’t say his goodbyes to Mr. Yarlott, assuming that he would always return and live the rest of his life with everyone at the circus. But now he was gone.

    ‘His funeral is in two hours,’ said Ilanit, trying hard to regain her stability. ‘I want you to come with me.’

    ‘I will…’ said Galen with a weak voice, throwing an expectant look at Atrex.

    ‘I’m sorry for your loss,’ said Seer. ‘I really am, but I can’t let you go alone, Galen. You know why.’

    Seer took another step back, trying as hard as he could to blend into the environment. Atrex studied the young boy, and he knew that it was too late, and at that realisation, he stepped forward once more.

    ‘Atrex can carry three people,’ said Galen, his hate for his companion had reached new heights. ‘We’ll just bring you with us.’

    ‘Fine,’ said Seer, giving a challenging stare that Atrex returned. ‘Lead the way.’

    The red-haired boy walked over to the group, and held Galen’s hand; he felt sick that he had any sort of physical connection to Seer. Ilanit held Atrex, and in an instant, the group was teleported away. The buildings became small, and a single tower stood tall amongst them.

    ‘This is Lavender Town,’ said Seer, observing the city. ‘Will the funeral be here?’

    ‘This is where Mr. Yarlott was born,’ Galen said, pulling his hand away. ‘And this is where he spent all of his childhood.’

    ‘Come with me,’ said Ilanit, leading Galen to a familiar sight. ‘We need to get changed.’

    Seer would have followed had Atrex not given his a stern look. He clearly wasn’t welcome in the circus.

    *


    It was the same bed his wife had died on. The white sheets now covered Mr. Yarlott, his breaths becoming clear and forced. Right by his side, on the chair he had once sat on, was Raven, holding back her tears as her father was dying before her eyes.

    ‘Raven,’ Mr. Yarlott spoke weakly. ‘I want you to take care of Atrex.’

    ‘I will, dad, don’t worry,’ said Raven through silent sobs. ‘I’ll take care of everything.’

    Once again, Mr. Yarlott’s breaths filled the room with their deathly noise, always reminding Raven that she was about to lose her father.

    ‘Bury me at Lavender,’ said Mr. Yarlott. ‘I forgot to tell you; make sure to bury me at Lavender.’

    ‘Thank you for telling me,’ said Raven. ‘I’ll make sure to do that.’

    ‘I want to speak with Ilanit,’ said Mr. Yarlott. ‘Say goodbye to my granddaughter.’

    ‘I’m right here, grandpa,’ said Ilanit, stepping into the small carriage. Her face was flowing with tears. ‘What did you want to say to me?’

    ‘Ah, Ilanit,’ Mr. Yarlott smiled. ‘Take care of your mother, and help her like she helped me.’

    ‘I will, grandpa,’ said Ilanit. ‘I love you.’

    ‘I love you, Ilanit,’ said Mr. Yarlott. ‘Don’t leave.’

    Ilanit had been walking towards the door, but upon her grandfather’s words, she pulled a chair and sat next to her mother. Raven reached towards her father, wrapping her hands around his own, and giving a soft kiss.

    ‘Say, dad, you never told me,’ she couldn’t even control herself anymore. Her sobs became audible. ‘How did you and my mother pick my name?’

    ‘Did I not tell you?’ said Mr. Yarlott. ‘It would seem like an important thing to tell you.’

    ‘It would.’

    ‘Well, listen to the story,’ said Mr. Yarlott, his face shining as he started. ‘Your mother was pregnant with you, well into her seventh month, and she was reading all these name books but couldn’t find anything that clicked with her. She became angry, and tore them apart, littering the floor with the pages. When she calmed down, she rearranged them to form her name, and with it, the word “Raven” appeared, and that’s how she picked your name.’

    ‘That’s a great story, dad.’

    ‘It’s not very glamorous…’ said Mr. Yarlott, his eyes slowly closing as his words turned into mumbles, and his breaths stopped with a last exhale.

  3. #18
    Clarion of Revelations Feliciano's Avatar Social Media Editor
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    Default Re: What History Hides

    An interesting story overall, but I think the biggest problem is pacing. You're rushing through most scenes, and the description doesn't take enough time to really immerse the reader in them. It feels like you're just throwing the sentences out there without really giving them the chance to sink in. I think the story needs to slow down and really delve into the details of scenes, characters, and conversations. the story has a lot of potential, but right now, it all feels superficial.

    The flashbacks also seem oddly placed, and really break up the flow of the chapters. We don't need to be presented with a flashback of an event right after the event was mentioned in the main story. The small intros to the chapters also seem unnecessary; we're going to read that exact dialogue later in the chapter, so if you're trying to start chapters in media res in order to get people more interested in the chapters, it doesn't seem to be working.

    However, you do have a great idea with this story. I think with a little more patience and detail in building the setting and relationships, this could be a really great story. I'm curious as to why Oak is apparently evil - if there was a reason given already, I missed it, and right now it seems kind of arbitrary - and why he's got Silver doing less than ethical things for him. I also didn't understand who the strange girl in the forest was, and it took me a while to realize that she was trying to seduce Galen. I'm very curious to see where this is going next.
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  4. #19
    ◓Gypsy Vanner Horse Kyuuketsuki's Avatar
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    Default Re: What History Hides

    Quote Originally Posted by adiosToreador View Post
    An interesting story overall, but I think the biggest problem is pacing. You're rushing through most scenes, and the description doesn't take enough time to really immerse the reader in them. It feels like you're just throwing the sentences out there without really giving them the chance to sink in. I think the story needs to slow down and really delve into the details of scenes, characters, and conversations. the story has a lot of potential, but right now, it all feels superficial.
    I never thought of that before; I'll keep that in mind next time I'm writing any chapter.

    Quote Originally Posted by adiosToreador View Post
    The flashbacks also seem oddly placed, and really break up the flow of the chapters. We don't need to be presented with a flashback of an event right after the event was mentioned in the main story. The small intros to the chapters also seem unnecessary; we're going to read that exact dialogue later in the chapter, so if you're trying to start chapters in media res in order to get people more interested in the chapters, it doesn't seem to be working.
    Regarding the intros, I did see that problem, which is why I had cut them in the latest chapter. I was trying to tell a secondary story in the flashbacks, but I'll think of a way to make them more informative, and make the transitions smoother. You're right, now that I look back on them, they do seem unnecessary when all they do is retell known information, with very little new details.

    Quote Originally Posted by adiosToreador View Post
    However, you do have a great idea with this story. I think with a little more patience and detail in building the setting and relationships, this could be a really great story. I'm curious as to why Oak is apparently evil - if there was a reason given already, I missed it, and right now it seems kind of arbitrary - and why he's got Silver doing less than ethical things for him. I also didn't understand who the strange girl in the forest was, and it took me a while to realize that she was trying to seduce Galen. I'm very curious to see where this is going next.
    Actually, Seer is based on "Seer" from the TCG, not Silver. And everything else should become clearer as the story goes on. I really appreciate your comments, and I'll keep them in mind. Thank you for reading and reviewing!

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