Walking in Your Shoes
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  1. #1
    Owning your robotic ass! DarkCircuit's Avatar
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    Default Walking in Your Shoes

    Quick Guide:
    Title: Walking in Your shoes
    Author: Paul
    Rating: PG-13
    --Reason: Death [language later chapters~]
    Notes: Ummm….fourth fanfic.

    Walking in Your Shoes


    Prologue:

    Akiko packed her things slowly. A bitter frown marred her pale face, and tears were brimming at the edge of her eyes.

    “’Peon?” Her espeon purred softly and rubbed up against her leg.

    She sighed and picked up her small pokémon. It’s purple fur felt good against her hands, which were tired of moving things into the giant truck. Carefully, she set espeon down on the bed and started grabbing more clothes from the closet to put into the suitcase. Her once overfilled closet now had only a few articles of clothing holding residence there. The bareness of it made leaving even harder. Knowing she would never use it again. Trivial things in her life now tore at her heart when she knew she’d be leaving them.

    Akiko broke down and wept, flinging herself down on her bed. Her faithful espeon curled up next to her and began to lick her face.

    “…” Akiko’s crying began to slacken, “Oh Lynn…”


    Chapter 1:

    Akiko looked out from the window of her new home. It gave her a vast view of Olivine town, and she loved it. That was about the only thing she loved in her new home. She signed heavily and began to head downstairs.

    “Come on Lynn! We’re going to go downstairs for a quick snack.” Akiko started walking again and her espeon obediently followed her.

    After the short walk to the kitchen, Akiko started looking through the fridge. She groaned.

    “Looks like there’s really nothing here that looks good to eat. Do you wanna take a short walk over to the Golden ’Karp for some food?”

    Lynn purred loudly, affirming her idea.

    “MOM! I’M GOING TO GET SOMETHING TO EAT!”

    “OK HONEY! BE CAREFUL!” Her mom yelled back from the basement.

    The girl and her pokémon walked out the door, shutting it behind them. Ahead of them was a yard and small stretch of cement sidewalk out to the road. Their quaint yard was filled with healthy grass, trimmed very neatly. Akiko’s espeon began to prance about in it, but soon followed her owner when she began to leave the property.

    “Hey Aki! What’s happening?” A boy from across the street waved at her.

    “Oh. Hey Ben. Nothing. I’m just going somewhere to have a snack,” Akiko said, rather depressed that he had to be here. She knew what was coming next.

    “Well, lucky I saw ya then! I’ll go too!” He crossed the street, coming up next to Aki and Lynn.

    “Yes…lucky…” Aki rolled her eyes, but Ben wasn’t looking at her.

    “You brought your espeon? Cool! I’ll have to let my umbreon out to then!” He grabbed a pokéball and threw it to the ground. A large umbreon popped out, and immediately started licking itself. “Say ‘Hi!’ Hector!”

    “Um-Um-breon” It briefly looked up, then began to clean itself again.

    “EspEON!” Lynn smacked it with its tail. The two trainers gasped.

    “Lynn! Behave!” Aki scolded her.

    “Hey! You guys, look up there! It’s Jasmine…and I think she’s in trouble!” Everyone looked at where Ben pointed.

    “Omigosh! There’s an ambulance coming and everything!” The whirring siren was getting louder, and an ambulance was coming fast.

    Ben and Aki began running at a breakneck speed. Hector and Lynn took off as soon as they realized that their trainers weren’t with them. The four reached the scene just as the paramedics did.

    Everything was pure chaos. Citizens of Olivine were shouting and everyone was trying to get a peek at what was happening. Jasmine was lying in a pool of blood and her face was pale. A Victorian style brick fragment lay next to her. It had the feel of the old lighthouse that towered above them.

    “MOM! NO!” Aki screamed.

    ----------end chap 1-----------

    I really posted this fic because I need help editing it. To me, it appears supremely DULL. Any ideas for Chapter 1 revisions?

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  2. #2
    Goronda Type Vice-Webmaster Evil Figment's Avatar Vice-Webmaster
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    To me, it seems the problem is with pacing, and specifically when and where to use description, and when and where to use proper grammar VS broken up, disjoined sentences.

    Consider this :

    Everything was pure chaos. Citizens of Olivine were shouting and everyone was trying to get a peek at what was happening. Jasmine was lying in a pool of blood and her face was pale. A Victorian style brick fragment lay next to her. It had the feel of the old lighthouse that towered above them.

    Write it instead :

    All around, pure chaos. Citizens of Olivine, shouting. Everyone, trying to peek at what had happened. A brick fragment, perhaps from the towering lighthouse. And besides it, lying in a pool of blood...

    "MOM! NO!"

    Much more vivid that way, I'd tend to think.
    Quote Originally Posted by Mintaka and Hurristat
    He's an evil director / He'll give out infractions / Do something wrong / And he takes direct actions
    Then what'll he do?/ He'll permaban you / You find your name slashed / With a message, 'Adieu'
    Sooooo...watch out!
    "It is said that the federal government, if it was in charge of the Sahara, would run out of sand in five years. Private enterprise, being more efficient, would do it in half the time - and they'd make money off the bridges." - me.
    "My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world." - Jack Layton's last letter. Rest in peace, Jack.

  3. #3
    Owning your robotic ass! DarkCircuit's Avatar
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    OK. I think I'll rewrite this a bit than re-post it. =S

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    Java Girl Barb's Avatar Retired Staff
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    The only grammatical corrections I noticed were these:

    It’s purple fur felt good against her hands, which were tired of moving things into the giant truck.

    We have a misplaced apostrophe here: Its purple fur felt good against her hands...

    The bareness of it made leaving even harder. Knowing she would never use it again.

    Sentence fragment. The bareness of it made leaving even harder, knowing she would never use it again.

    Otherwise, it's a pretty good start. Any reason why Akiko has a Japanese name but the other characters are Ben and Lynn?

  5. #5
    Owning your robotic ass! DarkCircuit's Avatar
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    Hector and Lynn [Umbreon and Espeon respectively] are taken from FE7 game, and have their personalities if you've played the game.

    Ben...is just Ben. xD More Japanese names come, but for now it's just Aki =D

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  6. #6
    Java Girl Barb's Avatar Retired Staff
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    Oh, okay, thanks for the explanation. I've not played any of the FF games, but I did like their little interaction in the story.

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    Goronda Type Vice-Webmaster Evil Figment's Avatar Vice-Webmaster
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    Actually, he said FE, not FF
    Quote Originally Posted by Mintaka and Hurristat
    He's an evil director / He'll give out infractions / Do something wrong / And he takes direct actions
    Then what'll he do?/ He'll permaban you / You find your name slashed / With a message, 'Adieu'
    Sooooo...watch out!
    "It is said that the federal government, if it was in charge of the Sahara, would run out of sand in five years. Private enterprise, being more efficient, would do it in half the time - and they'd make money off the bridges." - me.
    "My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world." - Jack Layton's last letter. Rest in peace, Jack.

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