Title: An Urban Legend
Fandom: Original Fiction
Theme: #15, Urban Legends
Disclaimer: This is my original writing, so taking it is plagiarism. Urban legends, as far as I checked, do not ‘belong’ to anyone, though I used Snopes.com as my primary resource.
Once upon a time, I traveled to a foreign country. It was quite a quiet ride on my plane, where I had been given a first-class seat because I was wearing my suit. The most eventful thing that happened was when take-off was delayed by a fat black woman flushing the toilet that got stuck inside and the flight attendants had to pull her legs for a few minutes to get her out.
When I arrived, I decided to hit the local Kentucky Fried Chicken for something I recognized. I got a bucket of crispy chicken, grabbed a bottle of Coke, and headed back to my motel for a night. The first bite I took tasted a little odd, but I was hungry so I figured, what the hell? It’s not like they use kosher chicken in foreign countries anyway. I was halfway done when I discovered I had been eating a Kentucky fried rat! The tail was still sticking out of the batter. Feeling sick, I tossed it away and headed back to my hotel as quickly as I could!
On the way, I spotted a cute chick giving me the eye so I invited her to my room for a quickie. She grabbed my unopened Coke, shook it, stuck it between her legs and used it as a douche. Then she proclaimed herself clean, and then we got down to business. I don’t remember much of it but when I woke up I was sitting in the bathtub with a bucket of ice dumped over me and a note on the wall that said I’d better get to the hospital quick since I was missing a kidney.
Panicked now, I got out as quickly as I could and made my way to the bed. I picked up the phone but when I did, all I heard was the sound of someone laughing over and over again. I went next door and tried to borrow a phone, but the old lady who’d been living there for fifteen years instead of in a nursing home threw her coffee pot at me. I decided to go downstairs and use the pay phone. The first one I tried had the phone cord cut. The second one took my coins, but when I tried to get my change back, I stuck my finger on a drug addict’s needle and got AIDS before blacking out.
When I came to, I was in a bed next to a punk rocker that had gotten electrocuted when lightning jumped from a phone line and hit her IPOD while she was wearing it on. Down the hall was the little boy dying of cancer who would get five cents for every email the American Cancer Society received. I heard a man screaming from the E.R. about how he’d lost his balls after drinking two liters of Mountain Dew at a party, but I tried to ignore it and go back to sleep. Then a doctor came in and said that they’d gotten me a new kidney from an accident victim with a pink donor card who had crashed into a tree and that I’d be off the morphine.
I thanked him, and hoped I’d be out by the time my business meeting was tomorrow at lunch. When I got to the restaurant, I found that my client was throwing a fit because they had turned his pet dog into an entrée. I suggested that we go to a buffet across the street instead, so we did. I made sure to avoid the sushi because I didn’t want to have worms for a brain like that old man in Japan did. We got some champagne, loaded up our plates, and got down to business.
That night, he leant me his secretary to seal the deal. She was a hot little number that was for sure, all dressed up red and raring to go. So we did the deed a couple times until she passed out, and the next morning, I flew back to America, where I would finally be safe – or so I thought, until the cactus I brought back as a souvenir exploded and tarantulas crawled out all over the apartment. I caught most of them and flushed them down the toilet so the alligators could eat them, and then got a beer and some sleep.
She called me that afternoon and left a message on my voice mail, telling me that I had accidentally drank her contact lens in the glass of water next to the bed.
I guess I won’t be seeing her again.
I haven't really done Original Fiction before, so this and the other piece are experiments. I'm not quite sure humor is my forte either.