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  1. #61
    J'ai Envie De Toi AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    Time to keep on trucking. HUGE thanks to those of you who voted for me in the awards. This fic tied for first (through fourth) in the best journey fic category, which is more than I had hoped for. I get an honorary mention apparently, which is pretty cool. What I had really wanted was for the awards to bring this fic some more attention, but that didn't really work. Oh well, I love the two or three of you that read and respond to this all the more. Bro-hugs all around!

    Business time. This chapter is pretty long and much better than the previous ones. At least, in my opinion. Hopefully it makes up for the kind of crappy 15th and 16th chapters.

    My goal here is to make Nolan as likeable of a character as Criss. I doubt that's going to happen, but whatever. He's my favorite, probably because he's kind of a Sue and I did a playthrough of Ruby as him. Seriously, if you have something worth trading in Gen IV I'll give you a lv 60-some Flygon with earthquake, dragon claw, flamethrower, and fly with an OT of Nolan. I'm considering doing the same with Criss on Fire Red. Or perhaps instead on *cough*spoilers*cough* so that it fits her actual background. I'm getting off topic now. Slap me next time that happens.

    Business time for real now. Keep in mind that this chapter begins at the same time as Chapter 16. Enjoy!

    This time: Nolan's chillin' like a villain in Celadon City. Shit happens, and the rest of the Celadon arc of the story is set up.

    Chapter 16.5


    Again, let's hear some speculation! Hell, maybe I'll decide that your guess is better than what I have planned and I'll change it. I actually came up with an awesome twist while I was writing this chapter but it would screw up my story plans too much so I probably won't use it. Probably.

    P.S. This chapter is the first time in which a Gen V feature (a move, in this case) is... featured. I didn't think that sentence through properly. Anyway, I love White Version so I might be throwing in some other Gen V stuff in the future. Surprising, I know, besides Nolan I've barely used anything but Gen I stuff. That's kind of the point of the fic though. Kanto = Gen I, forever and always. I wrote this for the nostalgia after all. Hey! I told you to slap me when I got off topic!

    Edit: Wow, after reading this through again I realized just how repetitive my sentence structure is. I used the word "He" waaayyy too much. I actually find it kind of annoying. Maybe this wasn't as well written as I thought. That's what I get for not waiting a day before posting it I guess. I'll work on that.
    Last edited by AetherX; 13th June 2012 at 05:38 PM.

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  2. #62
    User #50,000 Mr Metagross's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    One good turn deserves another, so I decided to have a look over your fic. I think it was really good, details here.

    Prologue:
    Very good. I like how you skip between the past and present through italics, making their contrast an obvious point. Short prologues are often the most powerful, and the same goes for sentences:
    “Mmk… bye.”

    “Bye, Keith.” He patted me on the shoulder and left my room.

    Forever.
    That last sentence--or word, more specifically--is a strong, final method that I think really works. It's sometimes hard to input them successfully in sentences, and it worked like a charm here. Also:
    My mother cried as my brother stared ahead, emotionless. We were crowded around the TV as a single stretcher worked its way across the screen. A single stretcher with my father on top of it. Bleeding. Burnt. My brother turned away as my mother let out a sob.

    I just stared in disbelief.
    I have two points here. You'll notice I've bold'd the pair of "stared"s, because even though they are quite a way apart, they sort of stood out to me as using the same adjective twice. So, altering the sentence structure slightly you could've had: "My mother cried as my brother gaped at the screen, emotionless." Ah well, that's just my opinion but I'm pretty sure that a writer as good as you are could have changed that easily.

    Ch.1:
    I definitely enjoyed this, in spite of it being based upon the anime. It had a small sprinkle of mystery that spiced it up a little, though I really hope it's not just Go Mt. Moon, beat Team Rocket, beat Kanto league, though I can sort of tell that it's not.
    I think you could've added more description to Criss, since I didn't really have much to go on apart from "long dark hair and piercing blue eyes". You could have added more description, to her hair in particular. I doubt it's just "long dark hair" when you imagined it.
    Other than that, I enjoyed the gym battle and the pace of the writing. You didn't linger too much on description but you didn't skip straight through it.
    There were a few grammatical errors, but I'll leave that out now. Also, I found this odd:

    “Hey!” I cried. “What are you doing?” I took a step towards the pair. With lightning fast reflexes, the girl pulled a five inch sheathe knife from her belt and threw it at me with her free hand. It missed me by a matter of inches, instead sticking into the sign post with a loud “thunk!” where it quivered ominously.
    This is being told from Keith's perspective, right? How could he tell it was five inch if it was in his vision for a fraction of a moment? Plus, why was Criss trying to kill Keith, if he wasn't really consciously doing anything wrong.

    I liked how you were constantly mixing between in-depth description and cocky swearing:

    “HEY!” I yelled at it.

    It stopped instantly and stared at me, frightened.

    Chansey ran past me, out the door, wailing insanely.

    “WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING?!?”

    The bug type landed at my feet and bowed its head. I recalled it back into its Poké Ball. “Damn Butterfree,” I muttered under my breath.

    I turned to leave, but the door was blocked by the nurse, who looked rather indignant. “Is that how you handle all of your Pokémon?” she said acrimoniously.

    “No,” I sighed. “Just the ones that are a complete PAIN IN THE ASS!” I directed the last four words at the Poké Ball still in my hand. I pushed past her and walked back into the main room of the center, where I picked up my other two Pokémon from the nurse that was there.
    Alright, maybe that was a bad example since all the swearing was in the speech, but I notice, when I'm writing, that when I switch directly between description and speech, the dialogue is a little off-centre and sounds like narrative. That's where indirect/reported speech comes in, and you pulled that off wonderfully here:

    I realized that I didn’t even know this girl’s name, so I asked her.

    Overall a really good prologue and chapter. I'd rate it:

    7.5/10.

    Excellent writing, I'm definitely coming back.
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  3. #63
    J'ai Envie De Toi AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    Thanks for the review Mr. Metagross! Response in the spoiler:


    Oh to the Kay, it's new chapter time again. I promise I'll talk less here. I hope this one is fairly well written, despite the fact that not much happens.

    This time: Keith steels himself for the battle against Erika.


    Chapter 17



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  4. #64
    J'ai Envie De Toi AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    Sorry this took so long to get out. I'm still not completely satisfied with it. It's a little rushed but hopefully you all like it.

    This time: Keith vs Erika!

    Chapter 18

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  5. #65
    Fanfic Writer some colour no doubt's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    I managed to catch up with all the chapters I missed, and in a way, I'm glad i did. The narrative from chapter to chapter, paragraph to paragrah flows beautifully, your battle scenes are well thought out with standard conventions of pokémon being challenged (like calling out commands) and even the way trainers interact with their pokémon seemed fresh and new in the form you presented it. I love this fic, and as it goes on the strengths get stronger and the weaknesses eb away.

    Keep it up, keep writing and I'll be more than willing to keep reading!

  6. #66
    Writer Trouble's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    Ooooh, I like this! This is really well-written first-person narrative. First-person is hard to do, but you do it well. I'll be keeping up with this for sure! You give a really good feel for what it's like to be a Pokemon trainer in your fic here. Your first-person descriptions are pretty much flawless. I'll be reading as often as I can!

  7. #67
    Registered User sharktooth162's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    I'm finally back and I really liked your battle. It was full of energy and excitement and I really enjoyed it. Wasnt to sure about Erika bringing back Tangela before the end was a bit odd but other than that it was really good.
    Read my fanfic Tales of the Gym leader's and comment if you like or dislike it thanks

    A massive thanks to Kyuujux for the amazing banner

  8. #68
    J'ai Envie De Toi AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    Quote Originally Posted by some colour no doubt View Post
    I managed to catch up with all the chapters I missed, and in a way, I'm glad i did. The narrative from chapter to chapter, paragraph to paragrah flows beautifully, your battle scenes are well thought out with standard conventions of pokémon being challenged (like calling out commands) and even the way trainers interact with their pokémon seemed fresh and new in the form you presented it. I love this fic, and as it goes on the strengths get stronger and the weaknesses eb away.

    Keep it up, keep writing and I'll be more than willing to keep reading!
    I'm glad you like it so much. This is about where I was in the writing when I first started getting feedback on here so my writing (hopefully) will improve even more from here on out.

    Quote Originally Posted by Trouble View Post
    Ooooh, I like this! This is really well-written first-person narrative. First-person is hard to do, but you do it well. I'll be keeping up with this for sure! You give a really good feel for what it's like to be a Pokemon trainer in your fic here. Your first-person descriptions are pretty much flawless. I'll be reading as often as I can!
    Thanks! I always have felt more comfortable writing in first-person. It's easier for me. Let me know when you're all caught up, I'll add you to the VM list if you'd like.

    Quote Originally Posted by sharktooth162 View Post
    I'm finally back and I really liked your battle. It was full of energy and excitement and I really enjoyed it. Wasnt to sure about Erika bringing back Tangela before the end was a bit odd but other than that it was really good.
    Thanks for the feedback! I spent a lot of time on writing that battle. The reason Erika called the battle before Tangela fainted was because she had no way of escaping. Baron would have finished it in a few more seconds anyway, she was just stopping the battle before Tangela really got hurt. Erika's smart. After all, in my 'verse she's the best Gym leader in Kanto besides Sabrina /foreshadowing.

    Thanks for all of your replies, I love hearing from you guys. Hopefully I'll be able to write Ch 19 this weekend and have it uploaded by Monday. Track ends in a couple weeks so that will free up a lot of time for me and we can go back to twice a week updates.

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  9. #69
    J'ai Envie De Toi AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    Yeeeaaah, about that "write it this weekend, upload on Monday" thing. That didn't really work. But I'm not dead! In fact, I've been quite busy. Track's over now so I have much more time. What have I been doing, then? Remember this?
    I actually came up with an awesome twist while I was writing this chapter but it would screw up my story plans too much so I probably won't use it. Probably.
    Well, I'm implementing that plot twist. It took a long time to read through all of my work so far and assemble a reference of "What the reader knows so far" but it was worth it. I'm a consistency whore, so my new storyline had to make sense with what has been going on until now. It will be a little bit of a stretch, but not as much as "I am your father!" (which is a totally separate discussion on its own).

    Anyway, once that was done and out of the way I finally sat down to write Chapter 19 here. Not much happens, and I found it a little boring, so I joined it with then next chapter as well. I am actually quite proud of the result, I think it is fairly well written. But here we go again, I'm talking too much. It's fairly long (3,000 words) so enjoy.

    This time: Criss is back for good, the next chapter is set up, and Kieth sees something... shocking?

    Chapter 19

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  10. #70
    Registered User sharktooth162's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    Man, you're making my Erika chapter seem like a noddy episode. I really liked the way you put the growlithe's thoughts across and also how tesla is cut up by rainers loss showing magnemite have feelings to. Looking forward to seeing the game corner raid and my guess is they were trying to sell Rainer and that's how Keith gets him back if he does.
    Read my fanfic Tales of the Gym leader's and comment if you like or dislike it thanks

    A massive thanks to Kyuujux for the amazing banner

  11. #71
    J'ai Envie De Toi AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    Quote Originally Posted by sharktooth162 View Post
    Man, you're making my Erika chapter seem like a noddy episode. I really liked the way you put the growlithe's thoughts across and also how tesla is cut up by rainers loss showing magnemite have feelings to. Looking forward to seeing the game corner raid and my guess is they were trying to sell Rainer and that's how Keith gets him back if he does.
    Glad you liked it! I like the guessing. Keep those predictions coming, it gives me a good idea of what you think of the characters and situations. As for whether you're right or wrong... we'll just have to wait and see.

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  12. #72
    J'ai Envie De Toi AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    Yay! The forums are back up! This chapter has been ready for a while now, and I've been aching to post it. This chapter is the climax of the Celadon arc, so a lot goes on. Pay attention, there's a lot of foreshadowing here (and, as always, some red herrings). Anyway, on to the chapter...

    This time: The trio infiltrates the Rocket hideout

    Chapter 20

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  13. #73
    Registered User sharktooth162's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    Very nice. I'm glad magneton evolved and I'm still curious as to whether hes going to get rainer back but its really cool.
    Read my fanfic Tales of the Gym leader's and comment if you like or dislike it thanks

    A massive thanks to Kyuujux for the amazing banner

  14. #74
    J'ai Envie De Toi AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    Quote Originally Posted by sharktooth162 View Post
    Very nice. I'm glad magneton evolved and I'm still curious as to whether hes going to get rainer back but its really cool.
    Heh, I'd like to talk about what's going to happen, but I shouldn't. It'd ruin any surprises.

    Mostly filler in this chapter but its all necessary. Hopefully it's interesting.

    This time: the crew hikes to Fuchsia City

    Chapter 21

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  15. #75
    Registered User sharktooth162's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    Nothing much happened but it was still anice change of pace and I liked it. I'm curious as to whether tim will end up losing one of his pokemon for the gyarados as considering the way he lost his raticate I would be surprised if he would be prepared to lose someone again. I think he might end up catching a Gyarados and then release it after realising he cant bear to lose any of is pokemon. I kind of don't know if I want keith to get a dratini or not seen as I still want him to get rainer back and stuff but we'll see what happens.
    Read my fanfic Tales of the Gym leader's and comment if you like or dislike it thanks

    A massive thanks to Kyuujux for the amazing banner

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