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  1. #46
    Fanfic Writer some colour no doubt's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    Keith there, his pokémon handling themselves but he gets his ass handed to him. haha.
    Still a very good chapter, and you did a good job of successfully getting key points in the sort of carnage that would have ensued when all those pokémon collided.
    At the beginning though, you wrote:
    Lavender Town was a good few days’ hike from Viridian City
    Forgive me if I'm wrong, but had they not just come from Vermillion?

  2. #47
    J'ai Envie De Toi AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    Quote Originally Posted by sharktooth162 View Post
    Man, poor Keith good battle scene and I liked the idea of nest of mourner flowers. To be honest it seemed a bit odd that the channellers hadn't stopped the rockets from getting up the tower but apart from that really good
    Glad you liked it. It took me a while to think of something that the Marowak could build her nest out of and I think the result is very symbolic in a way.

    Quote Originally Posted by some colour no doubt View Post
    Keith there, his pokémon handling themselves but he gets his ass handed to him. haha.
    Still a very good chapter, and you did a good job of successfully getting key points in the sort of carnage that would have ensued when all those pokémon collided.
    At the beginning though, you wrote:

    Forgive me if I'm wrong, but had they not just come from Vermillion?
    Oh shi-
    Fixed! I'm glad you appreciated the battle description, it took me a couple of rewrites to get right.

    It looks like there will be a snow day for me tomorrow so I'm celebrating by spending yet another day putting off this essay that was originally due a week ago but I got an extension on. But I digress, on to the chapter. This makes three in a row that I am very proud of, hopefully you all will like it. I tried to give some insight into Keith's character and emotions. Losing Rainer is the first of four big events that force Keith to recognize and correct his flaws. Enjoy!

    This time: Keith mourns the loss of Rainer and the duo leaves Lavender Town.

    Note: This chapter was written while listening to various remixes of the original Lavender Town song. Like this (or alternately, my own!). I find it adds to the feel.

    Chapter 13


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  3. #48
    Registered User sharktooth162's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    In answer to your question the ceiling and really good chapter. I like how Keith is acting maturely and not storming off after rocket to get Rainer back it shows that he is older than the average beginner trainer and therefore wiser. I also like how Raticate is shown to be seriously hurt by the non pokemon attack as it shows that pokemon are not just invincible machines that can take any hit. I think maybe Keith should have spent more time mourning rainer rather than deciding on getting a new pokemon about five minutes later but apart from that great chapter.
    Read my fanfic Tales of the Gym leader's and comment if you like or dislike it thanks

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  4. #49
    Fanfic Writer some colour no doubt's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    A good chapter, you showed how Keith felt very well, wanting vengeance but not wanting to make the same mistakes as in the tower. As sharktooth said, it shows he is a bit more mature than the average trainer.
    I would also like to say, this has evolved to much more than just a journey fic. It has it's own feel to it that makes it stand out from others on the site.
    Keep it up! (But don't forget to do your essay!)

  5. #50
    J'ai Envie De Toi AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    Quote Originally Posted by sharktooth162 View Post
    In answer to your question the ceiling and really good chapter. I like how Keith is acting maturely and not storming off after rocket to get Rainer back it shows that he is older than the average beginner trainer and therefore wiser. I also like how Raticate is shown to be seriously hurt by the non pokemon attack as it shows that pokemon are not just invincible machines that can take any hit. I think maybe Keith should have spent more time mourning rainer rather than deciding on getting a new pokemon about five minutes later but apart from that great chapter.
    Ooh you're punny ;) I was under the impression I would be attacked for haphazardly throwing out Raticate to make room on Tim's team. But it had to happen eventually and I'm glad you appreciated the way I did it. Keith is still mourning, the tomb just reminds him of his lifelong dream of owning a Dragonite. Things will get distracting for a while, but his sorrow will return.

    Quote Originally Posted by some colour no doubt View Post
    A good chapter, you showed how Keith felt very well, wanting vengeance but not wanting to make the same mistakes as in the tower. As sharktooth said, it shows he is a bit more mature than the average trainer.
    I would also like to say, this has evolved to much more than just a journey fic. It has it's own feel to it that makes it stand out from others on the site.
    Keep it up! (But don't forget to do your essay!)
    This is as much a coming of age story as anything. When I started writing, Keith was a very dry character without much to offer. Over time though, he's developed flaws and intricacies that make him interesting. Now I'm just trying to lead the story in a direction that lets him correct his mistakes and improve himself.
    Thanks, and yet only a few people are reading it :P Hopefully the sequel will garner some more attention.

    Glad you two liked it!

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  6. #51
    J'ai Envie De Toi AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    Welp, time to keep myself on the front page. I tried to write a slightly more upbeat action scene here. It sort of worked, but the chapter turned out to be as moody as the previous two. I guess I don't have any control over my characters :P More BG music too for this one, just because the song is awesome and inspired me to write the scene.

    This time: Action scene on Route 8, a fan favorite returns ;)

    Chapter 14

    Last edited by AetherX; 27th February 2011 at 02:55 PM.

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  7. #52
    Registered User sharktooth162's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    Good chapter and I like the reintroduction of Criss but I think your battle scene needed more description as it just seemed a bit rushed. Also you could have done a bit more with gastly's evo as it seemed a bit thrown in for the sake of it. All in all a good chapter but you really need more description
    Read my fanfic Tales of the Gym leader's and comment if you like or dislike it thanks

    A massive thanks to Kyuujux for the amazing banner

  8. #53
    Fanfic Writer some colour no doubt's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    Yay! Criss comes back kicking ass! Can't wait to see her coming in with both Nidoking and Nidoqueen agaisnt TR, gonna be awesomezz.
    I predict (and hope) that Criss will end up helping Keith get Rainer beack from TR, but this fic has thrown so many spanners in what i think would happen, I'm not gonna stick to it too religiously.
    My only fault was that in the fight scene, it wasn't very clear what was happening. Some things really stood out, but the rest seemed to not really paint a clear picture, but it must be hard to write something like that, I've not had to do it (yet).

  9. #54
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    Quote Originally Posted by sharktooth162 View Post
    Good chapter and I like the reintroduction of Criss but I think your battle scene needed more description as it just seemed a bit rushed. Also you could have done a bit more with gastly's evo as it seemed a bit thrown in for the sake of it. All in all a good chapter but you really need more description
    Yes, this is not one of my better fight scenes. I probably should have spent some more time on it. It's tough with these big, multi-trainer, multi-Pokemon battles. I have to find a balance between listing each and every thing that happens and only saying the important stuff. Gastly's evolution was kind of an afterthought, it was either give it two sentences here or have it happen while Keith wasn't present in another chapter. I probably should have gone with the latter. Glad you liked it overall.

    Quote Originally Posted by some colour no doubt View Post
    Yay! Criss comes back kicking ass! Can't wait to see her coming in with both Nidoking and Nidoqueen agaisnt TR, gonna be awesomezz.
    I predict (and hope) that Criss will end up helping Keith get Rainer beack from TR, but this fic has thrown so many spanners in what i think would happen, I'm not gonna stick to it too religiously.
    My only fault was that in the fight scene, it wasn't very clear what was happening. Some things really stood out, but the rest seemed to not really paint a clear picture, but it must be hard to write something like that, I've not had to do it (yet).
    Nidoking has always been one of my favorites, and I seriously considered him for Keith's final team, but it didn't work out. I thought it would be cool to give both of the Nidos to Criss though, they fit her fighting style (sheer power). It seems we've reached an agreement that this battle scene wasn't very good. Like I said to sharktooth, its tough. Multi-Pokemon battles are awesome, but would probably do better in a more visual medium like the anime.

    And sorry to disappoint, but Criss disappears for a few chapters here. Once she shows up again, however, the three of them stick together for a looong time. Like, four more badges.

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  10. #55
    Registered User sharktooth162's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    It seems we've reached an agreement that this battle scene wasn't very good. Like I said to sharktooth, its tough. Multi-Pokemon battles are awesome, but would probably do better in a more visual medium like the anime
    I think you may have slightly misconstrued what I was saying as I don't think the battle scene was bad I just think it needs a little bit more time spent with it and it'll be great. Also you have one of the best plots I've read in the workshop so don't just look at the negatives look at the positives and look how far you've come from the first chapter to now. Trust me with just a little more work this will be one of the best fics in the workshop.
    Read my fanfic Tales of the Gym leader's and comment if you like or dislike it thanks

    A massive thanks to Kyuujux for the amazing banner

  11. #56
    Registered User sharktooth162's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    It seems we've reached an agreement that this battle scene wasn't very good. Like I said to sharktooth, its tough. Multi-Pokemon battles are awesome, but would probably do better in a more visual medium like the anime
    I think you may have slightly misconstrued what I was saying as I don't think the battle scene was bad I just think it needs a little bit more time spent with it and it'll be great. Also you have one of the best plots I've read in the workshop so don't just look at the negatives look at the positives and look how far you've come from the first chapter to now. Trust me with just a little more work this will be one of the best fics in the workshop.
    Read my fanfic Tales of the Gym leader's and comment if you like or dislike it thanks

    A massive thanks to Kyuujux for the amazing banner

  12. #57
    J'ai Envie De Toi AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    Hopefully you guys appreciate this, I took time off from my valuable White version playing time to finish it. Yes, it was a little rushed. Yes, its short. Yes, I do think the quality of my writing is starting to go downhill again. But we will prevail! Chapter 17 is where it becomes naturally well written, and will require less editing. Quick note: the next few chapters will be pretty short (except maybe 16.5, I wouldn't know, I haven't written it yet :P), but it's all for a good reason. I wanted to to fit the entire gym battle with Erika into one chapter without it getting too long due to an introduction scene and whatnot.

    This time: Keith trains with Baron for the battle against Erika!

    Chapter 15


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  13. #58
    J'ai Envie De Toi AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    Another rushed, kinda crappy chapter. Hopefully it will get better from here. I have next week off for spring break so I should be able to spend plenty of time on 16.5. From there, it goes on to the gym battle with Erika, which is actually pretty good in my own humble opinion.

    Also, this fic has been nominated for best journey fic for the spring awards and Criss as best supporting character. Voting closes tomorrow, but whatever, go vote if you haven't. Thanks for all of the support you guys!

    This time: I suppose this isn't filler as much as just tying stuff together. It's kinda boring anyway. New Pokemon, though.

    Chapter 16



    You know what I'd like to hear? Some speculation. I've given plenty of foreshadowing, so I kind of want to know if you guys have any guesses as to what's going to happen yet. Who's Criss? What's she up too? What was her past like? Who's Nolan? What's HE up too? What's HIS past like? What will happen to Keith and Tim? What about David? I won't say if you guess right, but I will give you a virtual high-five if/when it's revealed and you guessed correctly.

    PS: I edited the first chapter pretty extensively because of the awards. It's a lot better now, but nothing changed story-wise. Check it out if you've got time and let me know what you think.

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  14. #59
    Registered User sharktooth162's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    Interesting chapter and I like the fact he's got a fire type though I must admit I was hoping he'd somehow get a magmar but at least it wasn't a vulpix. I cant wait to see this battle against Erika as it sounds pretty cool but I am hoping locustod still gets a chance to battle (Locustod is the butterfree isnt it?)
    Read my fanfic Tales of the Gym leader's and comment if you like or dislike it thanks

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    J'ai Envie De Toi AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    Quote Originally Posted by sharktooth162 View Post
    Interesting chapter and I like the fact he's got a fire type though I must admit I was hoping he'd somehow get a magmar but at least it wasn't a vulpix. I cant wait to see this battle against Erika as it sounds pretty cool but I am hoping locustod still gets a chance to battle (Locustod is the butterfree isnt it?)
    Yeah Locustod is the Butterfree. I seriously considered giving him a Magmar, but Arcanine is one of my very favorites. I'm glad you liked it.

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