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  1. #31
    J'ai Envie De Toi AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    Quote Originally Posted by Italics View Post
    Trying to finish all the chapters you have out so I can execute my FORUM-WIDE REVIEWING ATTACK...

    I'm trying out this new style of reviewing, since I can never shut up when I read something. Tell me what you think?
    Excellent. Have I ever told you that your reviews are as entertaining to read as the actual stories (sometimes)? You sir, are hilarious. I'm excited that you noticed my originally unintended rhyming skillz in the first line. I noticed that when I went back to read and edit but decided to leave it like that for teh lulz.

    On to business:

    "This isn't something you can just montage your way through."
    -Old Man

    Yes. Every hero needs a montage. This is the literary equivalent of the cliche epic training montage. Oh, and I threw in some dialogue, character development, and foreshadowing (including some red herrings ).

    So, put on some Eye of the Tiger because Mr. Main Character is about to get a lot more badass.

    Chapter 9


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  2. #32
    EL-OH-EL Italics's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    Quote Originally Posted by AetherX View Post
    Excellent. Have I ever told you that your reviews are as entertaining to read as the actual stories (sometimes)? You sir, are hilarious.
    Well, about that....There's one thing wrong with this quote. I'll let you figure it out by yourself. You know, for fun. (Hint: It has to do with my avatar.)

    Quote Originally Posted by AetherX View Post
    I'm excited that you noticed my originally unintended rhyming skillz in the first line. I noticed that when I went back to read and edit but decided to leave it like that for teh lulz.
    Heh, well, I am a bit of a rapper myself....You know --

    Hey, yo, hi, how y'all doin'?
    Me? I'm cool, but who we foolin'?
    You know who's the best, oh, you know it's right --
    I'm the best reviewer, the rest be
    tight.

    Yessirree. Me.

    MOVING ON.

    Chapter three-point-five:



    Chapter four:



    HOMEWORK TIME: Click this link for pointers on semi-colons. I think you'll like it. Trust me.

    I'M AN UTTER BADASS.
    Also, my fan fics, my episode recaps, and my reviewing badge.

  3. #33
    J'ai Envie De Toi AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    Quote Originally Posted by Italics View Post
    Well, about that....There's one thing wrong with this quote. I'll let you figure it out by yourself. You know, for fun. (Hint: It has to do with my avatar.)
    Mah bad. Sometimes I talk, err... type without thinking.

    I found those chapters to be rather poorly written. I'm nervous for when you read the next couple because they don't get any better. Especially chapter six. I shudder at the thought. But that's why you're here, right?

    Yes, both characters were supposed to come across as a pompous douche bags in that chapter. And of course they'll sound like nerds, they're my characters after all. And I write freaking POKEMON FAN FICTION. NERDINESS FTW!

    Quote Originally Posted by Italics View Post
    HOMEWORK TIME: Click this link for pointers on semi-colons. I think you'll like it. Trust me.
    You have successfully taught me more about the written English language than my last five years of Language Arts teachers. *Applause*

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  4. #34
    EL-OH-EL Italics's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    Quote Originally Posted by AetherX View Post
    Mah bad. Sometimes I talk, err... type without thinking.

    I found those chapters to be rather poorly written. I'm nervous for when you read the next couple because they don't get any better. Especially chapter six. I shudder at the thought. But that's why you're here, right?
    Wait. Are we still talking about my gender?

    And I'm here for you ALL THE WAY, MAN. Believe in the heart of the cards, or something like that! BELIEVE.

    Quote Originally Posted by AetherX View Post
    Yes, both characters were supposed to come across as a pompous douche bags in that chapter. And of course they'll sound like nerds, they're my characters after all. And I write freaking POKEMON FAN FICTION. NERDINESS FTW!
    I do like douchebag-gy characters....

    Quote Originally Posted by AetherX View Post
    You have successfully taught me more about the written English language than my last five years of Language Arts teachers. *Applause*
    Thank the Oatmeal. Thank it, and be glad.

    Chapter five:



    You're improving so much, man. And I don't really have much to say this chapter. I'm commented out.

    I'M AN UTTER BADASS.
    Also, my fan fics, my episode recaps, and my reviewing badge.

  5. #35
    J'ai Envie De Toi AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    I should probably be going to bed right now, but I just got back from band practice. Playing Journey's "Separate Ways" at high volume without a shirt on can be a great bonding experience for those who care (especially if you're a keyboardist, *musicgasm*). It woke me up, at least.

    So, earlier than I had originally planned, Chapter 9.5. It's been a while since the last decent action scene so I just had to throw this in here. Flygon and Nolan have healed up over the past month or so (awfully convenient for the plot, I know) and are ready to get back to business. Yes, this is what Nolan does for a living.

    Chapter 9.5

    Last edited by AetherX; 7th February 2011 at 08:31 PM.

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  6. #36
    J'ai Envie De Toi AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    Well, it's been a week so I figure it's time for a new chapter. Nothing special to say about this one, besides that it's kind of boring (yet important).

    This time: Keith finishes his training in Saffron.

    Chapter 10



    I do have this to say though: It's been ten chapters now (well, technically thirteen or something like that), so I've kind of hit a checkpoint. From this point onward I have decided to actually spend some more time on chapters. For the most part, up until now, I've just uploaded a revised version of what I originally wrote when I had little to no experience with writing. But now I would like to upload only top quality chapters that are the very best that I can make them. This, combined with the fact that this is where the plot really takes off, should make the next chapters much more enjoyable. As of right now, within the next ten chapters I can promise (vague spoilers ahead) two gym battles (both awesome), four action scenes, two evolutions, one new Pokemon for Keith, and a couple plot twists.

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    Registered User sharktooth162's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    Okay I've read it and It's really good but you really will have to be careful with the mind merging thing as you have built it up quite a bit now and you cant just use it willy nilly but I have faith that you will so good chapter
    Read my fanfic Tales of the Gym leader's and comment if you like or dislike it thanks

    A massive thanks to Kyuujux for the amazing banner

  8. #38
    Fanfic Writer some colour no doubt's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    Right. Finaaaaaally I've managed to catch up, and I'm impressed. I'll try to keep up with it now haha.
    Some of the ideas in this are very close to my ideas for Seasons! (Flygon saddle, and being able to connect with pokémon)....
    My reasons for it though are much, much different to yours though, but I guess its true what they say, great minds think alike!
    My only issue is sometimes this lacks in description, but the story telling is very well presented which kinda makes up for it, so even though I just read like 4 chapters, it didn't feel strenuous, I actually enjoyed reading them :D
    At any rate, I'm looking forward to see Keith's new training in action!

  9. #39
    Rampant Writer. Dawn_Hero's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    Aether! :3 You've been so kind as to review my story, so when I saw you had one posted here as well I naturally felt inclined to do the same. I'm glad I did so; this is quite the interesting read. I've gone through your Prologue and Chapter One and I'm posting my reviews of those two pieces. Seeing as how I'm quite strapped for time at the moment, later on I'll continue reading the rest of your chapters and post individual reviews for those as well (if that's alright with you). Anyways, here goes nothing. :D

    Prologue:


    Chapter One-Pewter City:

    I'm absolutely loving your story. Kanto's never been my favorite region, but it's definitely the most nostalgic one, that's for sure. I look forward to seeing you make the other locations come to life as well as you have Viridian "Hellhole" forest and Pewter City. :P Kudos, Aether, and definitely an excellent read. It's refreshing to see new, unique characters and an original plot. Congrats.

    (Credit for the banner goes to myself. Click it to see my newest fan fic; comments & reviews appreciated!)

  10. #40
    J'ai Envie De Toi AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    Quote Originally Posted by sharktooth162 View Post
    Okay I've read it and It's really good but you really will have to be careful with the mind merging thing as you have built it up quite a bit now and you cant just use it willy nilly but I have faith that you will so good chapter
    Thank you for pointing this out. I have my doubts about how this will work out and its good to know that you have the same concern. In all honesty, the ability won't get much exposition as far as the story goes for a long time. I'll work hard to keep it relevant and important. Thanks for keeping up!

    Quote Originally Posted by some colour no doubt View Post
    Right. Finaaaaaally I've managed to catch up, and I'm impressed. I'll try to keep up with it now haha.
    Some of the ideas in this are very close to my ideas for Seasons! (Flygon saddle, and being able to connect with pokémon)....
    My reasons for it though are much, much different to yours though, but I guess its true what they say, great minds think alike!
    My only issue is sometimes this lacks in description, but the story telling is very well presented which kinda makes up for it, so even though I just read like 4 chapters, it didn't feel strenuous, I actually enjoyed reading them :D
    At any rate, I'm looking forward to see Keith's new training in action!
    I'm pretty sure there are also similarities between this and Rival's Story if I'm not mistaken. But it wasn't on purpose! The connection has been in my head as an idea since I started writing. And the saddle idea was kind of an afterthought after Italics pointed out how tough it would be to hold on during flight. I'm working on my descriptions, hopefully this next chapter is better. Thanks for reading!

    Quote Originally Posted by Dawn_Hero View Post
    Aether! :3 You've been so kind as to review my story, so when I saw you had one posted here as well I naturally felt inclined to do the same. I'm glad I did so; this is quite the interesting read. I've gone through your Prologue and Chapter One and I'm posting my reviews of those two pieces. Seeing as how I'm quite strapped for time at the moment, later on I'll continue reading the rest of your chapters and post individual reviews for those as well (if that's alright with you). Anyways, here goes nothing. :D

    I'm absolutely loving your story. Kanto's never been my favorite region, but it's definitely the most nostalgic one, that's for sure. I look forward to seeing you make the other locations come to life as well as you have Viridian "Hellhole" forest and Pewter City. :P Kudos, Aether, and definitely an excellent read. It's refreshing to see new, unique characters and an original plot. Congrats.
    I'll likely be making those changes as soon as I get around to it. Chapter by chapter reviews are great. I'm glad you think my characters are unique, I'm surprised that Keith hasn't been accused of Marty-Sueism yet. The locations are actually something I'm trying to focus on. I love hiking and looking at landscapes, cityscapes, etc, so setting description is really important to me. I want to build settings that you could put any sort of character in and they would have an adventure. I'm glad you like it!

    And now, here's my first try at a "high-quality" chapter. I really like how it turned out, hopefully you all will too.

    More background music for this one. It doesn't fit incredibly well, but it conveys the right feel, and it was what I listened to almost exclusively while writing the chapter. Maybe it shows. I'll tell you when to cue it up.

    This time: Keith fights Lt. Surge!

    Chapter 11




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  11. #41
    Fanfic Writer some colour no doubt's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    A good battle scene! Whilst I do love a good battle scene, what i particularly enjoyed was how you portrayed Surge in the chapter.

    It matched his canon character perfectly, and I could only imagine what he would do if he caught up with Keith.

    Again, Keith showed good development here, mainly due to his training with Sabrina, but I'd be careful not to make him too powerful too soon, otherwise nothing would be a challenge for him (This is what I'm having to be careful with in my own fic :D)

    At any rate, keep it up and let me know when your next chapter comes out!

  12. #42
    J'ai Envie De Toi AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    Quote Originally Posted by some colour no doubt View Post
    A good battle scene! Whilst I do love a good battle scene, what i particularly enjoyed was how you portrayed Surge in the chapter.

    It matched his canon character perfectly, and I could only imagine what he would do if he caught up with Keith.

    Again, Keith showed good development here, mainly due to his training with Sabrina, but I'd be careful not to make him too powerful too soon, otherwise nothing would be a challenge for him (This is what I'm having to be careful with in my own fic :D)

    At any rate, keep it up and let me know when your next chapter comes out!
    I'm glad you liked it. I tried to do something a little different as far as gym battles go, to keep things interesting. You should have seen my first draft, this chapter was 100% filler originally (yes, even with a gym battle. It was that bad). I'm happy that the rewrite worked out.

    I'm trying hard to keep Keith from getting too overpowered, but rest assured that the rest of his gym battles won't go by so easily. Remember what Sabrina said about Erika.

    I'd imagine that you're finding difficulty in making problems for Samia, given how he's already Grand Champ.

    Thanks for the support!

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  13. #43
    Registered User sharktooth162's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    Good chapter and I loved how you portrayed surge with his attitude towards Tim's 'victory'. The one touch I didnt like was the fact he didnt give out badges as I always got the impression that the gym leader was the only one who could but thats pretty minor. Other than that good chapter and I've got an update on Erika in my thread if your interested
    Read my fanfic Tales of the Gym leader's and comment if you like or dislike it thanks

    A massive thanks to Kyuujux for the amazing banner

  14. #44
    J'ai Envie De Toi AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    Quote Originally Posted by sharktooth162 View Post
    Good chapter and I loved how you portrayed surge with his attitude towards Tim's 'victory'. The one touch I didnt like was the fact he didnt give out badges as I always got the impression that the gym leader was the only one who could but thats pretty minor. Other than that good chapter and I've got an update on Erika in my thread if your interested
    Yeah I get where you're coming from, I just had trouble envisioning a scene where Keith confronts a furious Surge after the battle.

    Well my loyal followers, here is chapter the twelfth. It's a little earlier than I had originally planned, but when it's done, it's done. I'll save most of my normal long-winded author's commentary for after the chapter, to avoid spoilers. Enjoy!

    This time: Keith and Tim take a detour through Lavender Town to meet Mr. Fuji.

    Chapter 12



    P.S. 100th post!
    Last edited by AetherX; 19th February 2011 at 03:29 PM.

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  15. #45
    Registered User sharktooth162's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    Man, poor Keith good battle scene and I liked the idea of nest of mourner flowers. To be honest it seemed a bit odd that the channellers hadn't stopped the rockets from getting up the tower but apart from that really good
    Read my fanfic Tales of the Gym leader's and comment if you like or dislike it thanks

    A massive thanks to Kyuujux for the amazing banner

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