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  1. #16
    J'ai Envie De Toi AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    Quote Originally Posted by Flygon 101 View Post
    While it makes the characters seem mysterious, it can get dull and frustrating if you don't know someone's name 15 chapters after they were introduced. I'm not saying you do this, but be careful you don't start doing it.
    The next chapter will fix this. Looking back, I'm not sure why I needed the mystery, especially as his name is inconsequential.

    Eg. A smart and responsible 16 y/o does not normally run over to an eerie cave after someone just told them it was dangerous. But then again, Keith doesn't sound smart or responsible.
    Although I would never do something like that, I have friends who would. I'm toying with having his general stupidity at this point explained in later chapters but unfortunately my planned storyline is waaayy too long. That's what I get for reading Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings. For now, the only explanation I have is that Keith thinks he's a badass after Mt. Moon.

    Eg. If he went to college, why didn't he know simple attacks or that Abra only knows Teleport.
    He didn't go to college. I'm having difficulty finding a way to put this in the story, but I have worked out how the educational system works. They go to school just like we do, except they graduate "high school" at sixteen. While at school they learn the same things we do, math, history, etc. After you graduate, education having to do with Pokemon can be pursued. This story's world doesn't revolve around Pokemon, although they are important to everyday life. Perhaps I should find a way to work that in...

    I'm not 100% sure what you're basing this on. Anime or games, its a little unclear but I think it's anime.
    Neither, but it draws inspiration from both.

    If you are really bothered you could get a Beta reader or type it into MS Word, spellcheck it, then copy/paste it into your fic.
    That's what I've been doing. Never rely on spellcheck I guess. I am considering finding a beta reader.


    I hope I'm not coming across as too defensive. I really do appreciate the review. It's given me some good things to think about for future chapters. Thank you so much!

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  2. #17
    Fanfic Writer some colour no doubt's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    Finally had the chance to read this, and when i started, I couldn't stop!
    Characters are great, the gym battle with Misty showed a side of Trainers which is not often shown, stopping the battle to avoid heavy injuries.
    There are also a good contrast of themes, making a good, well-rounded story, especially the difference with the chapters with Kriss, which show the gritty realism, to the chapters at the gyms, showing the side of pokémon we all love.
    I enjoy journey fics, and this is one of the better ones i read, I like your take on how trainers leave at 16, choosing whether to go to the League, but surely, they could start at any age over 16, simply not getting a normal job? It sounded like when you wrote it that you either started at 16, or didn't start at all, which couldn't be true.
    Grammar is fine, i couldn't pick out any mistakes on my first read through, yet in times you are lacking description, especially of the landscape/area the characters are in.
    Overall, a good fic, good plot, great potential.
    Keep it up!

  3. #18
    EL-OH-EL Italics's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    Cha know the drill. -- Italics.

    Chapter Two:



    This chapter, I can see, is the one that's going to set the tone of this fic. (Dark, broody, bloody.) So, instead of talking about that just yet, I'm just going to put in a few things about characterization. If I'm spot-on (or at least close) then I think you're good.

    Narrator Dude Whose Name I Either Forgot or You Didn't Give: Hates Rockets, is a family man, a dreamer, likes being involved, nosy, very bad secret-keeper, innocent, loyal to a fault, an opportunist, a go-with-the-flow kind of guy, oblivious, dense, determined, holds grudges for long periods of time, resourceful, immature, dogged, and persevering.

    Questions: Is he going to end up falling in love with Criss? (If he does, I'm afraid for him.) This journey is about him growing up and losing his innocence, I assume -- so is he going to become jaded in the future? Why did he decide to go on his journey at sixteen? Is it for personal reasons? idiotic reasons? money issues? just-because-you-want-to reasons? Did you ever say his name?

    Predictions: He's gonna become a murderer!Ash Ketchum. Dunno if that's a good thing. We'll see.

    Criss: She's got a bad past, has no qualms killing, has obviously had some sort of training, patient when needed, hates Team Rocket, had a bonding-thing with Flareon before, has a MEGATON PUNCH!, sarcastic at times, employed as a police investigator, and is mysterious.

    Questions: Since she's a) mysterious, b) not the viewpoint character, and c) a static character, I can excuse the fact that she's a bit underdeveloped compared to Mister Nameless Dude above. But I cannot accept it. Will her past be explained? Will more character traits be shown, besides being some kind of low-grade assassin? Will she become more hateful as time goes on? Will she become less stabby-stabby the more time she spends with Nameless Dude?

    Predictions: She will kill Giovanni after a long, bloody quest that included her Flareon's murder, and will end up a psychopath that will kill Nameless Dude.

    General Notes:

    1. I'm seeing with each passing chapter your improvement. However, I'm also noticing more emphasis on scene description than characters' feelings and emotions. It makes me feel as though Nameless Dude (as we're using him as our eyes) is an emotionless robot that doesn't care too much for killing a few thugs.

    2. You're starting to list things more than describe what's happening. It's starting to become more of a "tell, don't show" kind of thing rather than a "show, don't tell" story. Me no likey.

    3. However, I've noticed that with important things, like with Criss's throwing her knife at Giovanni, you definitely don't skimp out on description. If you keep at that level, then I definitely think things will be less list-y and more show-y.

    4. You sometimes mix up tenses whenever you use the words "could," "should," and "would." These are the usual mistakes everyone makes, but in any case, pay attention whenever you use those words.

    5. Why, thank you. Now I know never to say "Eat all your vegetables, kids!" with my future kids when there's brussel sprouts on the plate.

    I'll get reviewing soon.

    I'M AN UTTER BADASS.
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  4. #19
    J'ai Envie De Toi AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    This chapter, I can see, is the one that's going to set the tone of this fic. (Dark, broody, bloody.)
    Not exactly, take a look at my notes in the OP. The tone changes around.

    Narrator Dude Whose Name I Either Forgot or You Didn't Give: Hates Rockets, is a family man, a dreamer, likes being involved, nosy, very bad secret-keeper, innocent, loyal to a fault, an opportunist, a go-with-the-flow kind of guy, oblivious, dense, determined, holds grudges for long periods of time, resourceful, immature, dogged, and persevering.
    Name's Keith. I made the mistake of deleting the chapter in which I formally introduced him without adding it into the ones I have posted. I say his name in the OP. Anyway, this is pretty much correct. But I'd say overly curious rather than nosy. And although I can see where you get it from, he's not supposed to be dense as much as inexperienced and suffering from a severe case of Genre Blindness.

    Questions: Is he going to end up falling in love with Criss? (If he does, I'm afraid for him.) This journey is about him growing up and losing his innocence, I assume -- so is he going to become jaded in the future? Why did he decide to go on his journey at sixteen? Is it for personal reasons? idiotic reasons? money issues? just-because-you-want-to reasons? Did you ever say his name?
    Most of these are answered in later chapters. I don't know if I'll add romance at all, I'm still struggling with conveying proper emotion.

    Criss: She's got a bad past, has no qualms killing, has obviously had some sort of training, patient when needed, hates Team Rocket, had a bonding-thing with Flareon before, has a MEGATON PUNCH!, sarcastic at times, employed as a police investigator, and is mysterious.
    Exactly.

    Questions: Since she's a) mysterious, b) not the viewpoint character, and c) a static character, I can excuse the fact that she's a bit underdeveloped compared to Mister Nameless Dude above. But I cannot accept it. Will her past be explained? Will more character traits be shown, besides being some kind of low-grade assassin? Will she become more hateful as time goes on? Will she become less stabby-stabby the more time she spends with Nameless Dude?
    I actually have a very comprehensive back story for Criss. I may post it as a one-shot if I ever get around to it. It's pretty badass. Her past will be explained later, more and more as time goes on. Unfortunately that may be a very long time. My current prediction is 40 chapters before Keith is even done with Kanto .

    Thanks again for another amazingly comprehensive review!!! It's very helpful.

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  5. #20
    Now available in 4D! Flygon 101's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    Quote Originally Posted by AetherX View Post
    The next chapter will fix this. Looking back, I'm not sure why I needed the mystery, especially as his name is inconsequential.



    Although I would never do something like that, I have friends who would. I'm toying with having his general stupidity at this point explained in later chapters but unfortunately my planned storyline is waaayy too long. That's what I get for reading Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings. For now, the only explanation I have is that Keith thinks he's a badass after Mt. Moon.



    He didn't go to college. I'm having difficulty finding a way to put this in the story, but I have worked out how the educational system works. They go to school just like we do, except they graduate "high school" at sixteen. While at school they learn the same things we do, math, history, etc. After you graduate, education having to do with Pokemon can be pursued. This story's world doesn't revolve around Pokemon, although they are important to everyday life. Perhaps I should find a way to work that in...



    Neither, but it draws inspiration from both.



    That's what I've been doing. Never rely on spellcheck I guess. I am considering finding a beta reader.


    I hope I'm not coming across as too defensive. I really do appreciate the review. It's given me some good things to think about for future chapters. Thank you so much!


    No, not too defensive. Youre just justifying your views, thats all. And thats part of what a reviewer is meant to do - give pointers of how to improve. At least thats what I think Im meant to do....
    I extend my hand to the marvelous authors of this forum. I have read your works and I know that your imagination knows no bounds. Can you help me create a region? I will dedicate the series of fics I intend to use this region for to the gracious people who choose to help me on this audacious task.


    So Im asking you once again Bulbagarden - can you help me?



    http://bmgf.bulbagarden.net/f512/new-region-help-95004/

  6. #21
    J'ai Envie De Toi AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    Yay, finals are over! Now I can get back to writing... Big thanks to everyone who has reviewed, you have been a tremendous help.

    This chapter was interesting to write. I had some trouble figuring out the best ways to convey emotion and give subtle hints as to the personality of the character himself. My apologies for any possible lack of realism in the hospital scene, I've been smart fortunate enough to stay out of hospitals and avoid major injuries (for the most part).

    Time to step back into the shoes of the Flygon trainer. He gets a name this time, I don't know why I've been holding it back. You'll get a lot of background on his character. For those of you worried about Flygon, this is the chapter to look to. No action here, by the way, just character development, deal with it ("You look stressed. Here, let me give you a neck rub" /tankmenquote).

    Chapter 6.5


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  7. #22
    Fanfic Writer some colour no doubt's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    Ah i found it!
    I wondered where this fic had dissapeared to... lol
    Another great chapter! Nice to get a bit of a backstory on the mysterious Flygon trainer, and his 'flashback' sequence was good as well.
    I can't wait to see how all these characters come together in the greater plot. ooo I'm getting giddy just thinking about it.

  8. #23
    J'ai Envie De Toi AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    Quote Originally Posted by some colour no doubt View Post
    Ah i found it!
    I wondered where this fic had dissapeared to... lol
    Another great chapter! Nice to get a bit of a backstory on the mysterious Flygon trainer, and his 'flashback' sequence was good as well.
    I can't wait to see how all these characters come together in the greater plot. ooo I'm getting giddy just thinking about it.
    Yeah really, nothing stays on the front page for long anymore besides the popular fics. I'm glad you liked the chapter. Despite how much I like the X.5 chapters, I think I made a mistake in writing them. Don't get your hopes up, he won't make anything beyond a cameo appearance for a while yet. But I'm working hard to make the cameos extra badass. By the way, I don't think I answered your question from your first post here. Yes, all trainers are welcome to take the gym challenge, they just won't be "sponsored" by the Pokemon League. That's the point I was trying to convey.

    Anyway, on to this chapter. I'm going to be updating more often now, as I have several chapters queued up and ready to go (up to ch 10 is edited and I just finished writing ch 21). Plus, I would prefer that this stay on the front page as much as possible to attract more viewers.

    Back when I started writing I was torn between Keith catching a Magnemite or a Bellsprout. I decided on Magnemite (obviously), but Bellsprout got a new life with Tim. This chapter will showcase the battle strategy I was originally going to have Keith use with Bellsprout. Besides that, this chapter is relatively useless. Sooo... the next one will be up soon (tomorrow).

    This time: Tim battles Misty! ("What? another Misty battle? GAAAAY." Shut up. It would sound stupid if I just said "BEE TEE DUBS GUYZ TIM GOTS TEH CASCADEBADGE", so that's why I have this in here.)

    Chapter 7

    Last edited by AetherX; 28th January 2011 at 06:58 PM.

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  9. #24
    Banana eating Gengar GengarEatBanana's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    Great story. Very intresting that you gave him a Magnemite as I've never read a Bulbagarden story where it's one of the main characters Pokemon.

    Good Job.

  10. #25
    Registered User sharktooth162's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    I feel kind of sorry for Misty I mean she was destroyed twice by two complete rookies but I'm sure she'll get over it. Not utterly convinced by tim's character yet but I think it needs more time to develop and you battle's seem a bit quick and could do with more description.having said this its still a good fic and I cant wait for wepinbell to evolve cause I love victreebell
    Read my fanfic Tales of the Gym leader's and comment if you like or dislike it thanks

    A massive thanks to Kyuujux for the amazing banner

  11. #26
    J'ai Envie De Toi AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    Quote Originally Posted by GengarEatBanana View Post
    Great story. Very intresting that you gave him a Magnemite as I've never read a Bulbagarden story where it's one of the main characters Pokemon.
    Really? I've always though it was popular for some reason... Thanks for reading, I'm surprised you took the time to go through the whole thing.

    Quote Originally Posted by sharktooth162 View Post
    Not utterly convinced by tim's character yet but I think it needs more time to develop and you battle's seem a bit quick and could do with more description.having said this its still a good fic and I cant wait for wepinbell to evolve cause I love victreebell
    If you think Tim's character is dry now, you should have seen my first draft. Admittedly, I'm using him as a sidekick character so he won't get too much development, but I need to work on that. Besides being a dumb goof-off, I don't really have a direction for him to go in. And thanks for reminding me; at the point where I am with writing the story, I gave Tim a leaf stone but he still hasn't used it. Thanks for the continued readership!

    Hokey dokey. It's chapter time. When I first came up with the idea for this chapter (and the next couple), I thought I was being pretty original. But at the same time I felt like people would get all pissy and say that it was a stupid plot device. But now that I've been reading more and more fics around here and watching more episodes of the anime, this isn't entirely uncommon and is in fact fairly well received.Hopefully it will be the same for my fic, but we'll see. I desperately need to work on descriptions. You probably have no idea what I'm talking about but it'll make sense when you read the chapter. I'll shut up now.

    Chapter 8


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  12. #27
    EL-OH-EL Italics's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    Heya. Sorry I've been slipping on reviewing this, cap'n. Lots of things came up, so I'll make it up to you with more reviews whenever I have time. Also, sorry if I sounded like a dick in my last review, 'cause I think I sounded like a dick before. Yeah, so you know what I'm gonna do, right? -- Italics

    Chapter two-point-five:



    You're awesome at action scenes, by the way. I DEMAND MOAR.

    I'M AN UTTER BADASS.
    Also, my fan fics, my episode recaps, and my reviewing badge.

  13. #28
    J'ai Envie De Toi AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    Quote Originally Posted by Italics View Post
    Heya. Sorry I've been slipping on reviewing this, cap'n. Lots of things came up, so I'll make it up to you with more reviews whenever I have time. Also, sorry if I sounded like a dick in my last review, 'cause I think I sounded like a dick before. Yeah, so you know what I'm gonna do, right? -- Italics

    You're awesome at action scenes, by the way. I DEMAND MOAR.
    Not a problem! I've seen your reviews all around and they're always entertaining to read, so I understand how busy you must be. Feel free to take all the time you need. I always appreciate your comments.

    I detected no dickery in the previous post, I actually thought it was rather good insight.

    Thanks for the comments, compliments and criticisms. I am rather proud of my action scenes, and I definitely need to work on my descriptions.

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  14. #29
    Registered User sharktooth162's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    good chapter and I like the way you portray Sabrina though I thought Evan could have done with more description as I find it hard to get him in my mind. I like how you dealt with abra's teleportation as I aways thought it would be weird for teleporting to be anything other than instant so well done.
    Read my fanfic Tales of the Gym leader's and comment if you like or dislike it thanks

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  15. #30
    EL-OH-EL Italics's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    Trying to finish all the chapters you have out so I can execute my FORUM-WIDE REVIEWING ATTACK. You know what's I'm doin', right? -- Italics

    Chapter three:



    I'm trying out this new style of reviewing, since I can never shut up when I read something. Tell me what you think?

    I'M AN UTTER BADASS.
    Also, my fan fics, my episode recaps, and my reviewing badge.

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