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  1. #151
    Awesomest guy ALIVE Captain_Kaos's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable"

    This is the best at the moment i think it is really detailed with just enough action I can't wait till the next chapter is posted


    Click these eggs, if you don't want them to die

  2. #152
    Fanfic Writer some colour no doubt's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable"

    Well, after several hours of reading, from Celadon City and the battle with Erika to this point, i can tell you i don't regret it at all.

    DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMNNNNNNNNN SON!

    This story is awesome! Keith, Criss and Tim make a good trio, their characters balancing each other well to make a good whole. Add this to the fact that their progression as characters throughout the story is awesome, with a lot of realisation, coming to terms with past events and in general great character growth. These factors alone make a good "journey fic"

    However, this is no mere journey fic! It has evolved from a simple "travel and collect badges" into a great story. Everything is there! Villains, Heroes, morally ambigious side characters, henchmen, evil Skarmory riding Captains. All the main plot elements are there! I can't wait to see the climax of the Saffron section here, and hopefully Rainer will appear! I have a thought on what you might do, and if pulled off would be fantastic!

    Your introduction of new concepts into this world, such as the double battle with Blaine and the preliminary round at the Viridian Tournament are well implemented and fit in smoothly, rather than looking rather shoehorned as many new takes on set up mediums can, so good job on that front!

    Keith is a great main character, and you did well to make him seem powerful but no overly so, which was an initial concern when you first began to introduce psychic based abilities. He is flawed, strong, brave and scared all at the same time. all in all, he is human. To achieve this, especially from a first person perspective and successfully immersing a reader, is a damn fine job.

    Grammar wise, no major mistakes that i noticed, or at least nothing that broke up the flow of the text enough for me to notice it on my initial read. Your use of description has certainly improved but could do with a bit more minor work, though nothing that really affects the story.

    Plot holes i didn't pick up on any, though sometimes it can appear that Keith's doubts about an issue don't seem to last very long, and tends to be quite easily swayed at points, particularly when involving Criss. Whilst this is understandable due to his own reasons for hating Team Rocket, i would prefer to see him challenging Criss on a few more points. Whilst it does happen at points, i feel as the protagonist he should stand up a bit more to his side characters to have a bit more say on how things are progressing.


    You best tell me when you update this or i'm gonna have to come find you and extract it from your mind!!!


    P.S. I think you need to link your last couple of chapters to the contents.

  3. #153
    CEO of the Monsters Lugion's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable"

    Okay, so chapter one.

    I really like how you just dive right on in, and fill us in on the details as you go. It can be a gamble doing that, but it really paid off here, as we get to skip the tedious same old-same old of getting the starter, battling the rival, etc.... Though I think maybe the prologue (which I also read :P) could've been saved and revealed during the story in much the same way.

    For your characters, Keith is pretty relatable. I like him. I like how he's so nervous about his journey, about facing off against Brock, and just in general. He seems to progress through the story a bit too quickly, but I can't really hold that against him this early. (By that, I mean, going from being happy about defeating Brock to wanting revenge on Team Rocket.) Criss is interesting as well, and it's always nice to have a good foil for your protagonist. She's very no-nonsense, and it's refreshing to read a female character like that in a story like this.

    Plot-wise, it's really nothing we haven't seen before, but that's really not a mark against the story. It's an adaptation of the R/G/B/Y games as far as I can tell, but it seems to be set in a slightly different version of Kanto, where there's a bit more real-world logic. I really liked your world-building here, with special mention going out to the "battling universities" you mentioned. It's an interesting concept.

    I've been meaning to read this story for a while, but I just got around to it. I guess I'll stick with it. :P

  4. #154
    Your mind is a world AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable"

    Holy poopface I haven't had this many responses since the first page! Replies:


    With those out of the way, I bring you the first part of the epic climax! I've had to add in one more chapter than I thought, and this one's quite long anyway. Enjoy!

    This time: Silph Tower!

    Chapter 39

    Last edited by AetherX; 6th March 2013 at 09:36 PM.

  5. #155
    Fanfic Writer some colour no doubt's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable"

    RAIIIINNNNNEEERRR YOOOUUUUUU BEASSSST!

    I knew he was gonna come back, i knew it! :D :D :D

    A very well written chapter, capturing the essence of all the different characters very well! Of course, we all came for the Keith sections and they really shone through. The sad thing is that this is nearly over :(.

    Can't wait for the climax now! Its gonna be awesome!

  6. #156
    Awesomest guy ALIVE Captain_Kaos's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable"

    That was a cool way of reintroducing rainer, beside what SCND said it was a very well written chapter and i cant wait till the next chapter


    Click these eggs, if you don't want them to die

  7. #157
    Stray Dog Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable"

    Okay before I start with my review.

    DAMN YOU SCND YOUR REVIEW WAS THE FIRST THING I SAW WHEN I OPENED THIS AND IT SPOILED!

    *coughs* anyways.

    I really enjoyed this chapter, and there are multiple reasons for that. First of all it had everything you could ask for a chapter such as this, it focused and developed the plot some more as well as the characters. It had action, drama, comedy and a plot twist/cliff hanger that we've all been waiting to see, so in my opinion it was a base breaker.

    Second of all I liked how you focused on all of the main players that you've set up as well as introducing new characters, I enjoy the Resistance characters cause they're personalities just seem...intriguing to me, especially Harry, who's character description I particularly liked if I may say so myself.

    And then there's Rainer...what can I say about Rainer, except that I'm glad to finally see him back and I honestly hope that he hasn't changed too much since the last time we've seen him. Anyways I think this chapter is one of the things that sets your fic apart from all the other journey fics that have come before them...and I do mean all of them. Sure it's rough around the edges some times but every fic has that but you always manage to come back with something special that revolutionizes the whole thing and that's what I find most enjoyable.

  8. #158
    ◓Gypsy Vanner Horse Kyuuketsuki's Avatar
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    Default Arc I: The Journey Begins Review

    From the Prologue to Chapter 2.5. I understand that this was written a long time ago, and you must've improved a lot since writing these chapters, but maybe this attemp-at-a-review could be helpful in some way. Hopefully. Maybe. Probably not.

    Anyway, getting into the main story. Personally, Journey fics are a favourite of mine when it comes to Pokémon fan-fiction, and that is what drew me to this story. I think it is done wonderfully here, because it's very easy for them to start out bland and boring. Starting the story while the main character, Keith, was already away from him home was a good new twist to the story, but I couldn't help but feel that it lacked the proper beginnings of a journey. At first, I thought it was a jarring aspect, because even though saying goodbye to one's family and receiving their first Pokémon and gushing over it is not an exciting aspect, it still feels necessary.

    Of course, as I progressed through the story and got to know the main character, I grew to like that beginning. Whether it was intentional or not, Keith didn't start his journey with a new page of the book that is his life, but carried all the baggage that came before it, specifically, his father's death. The aspects I mentioned above are always used to signify the start of a new beginning, and a new chapter, and removing it from the story created a wonderful emphasis on Keith's own detracted new chapter.

    Keith himself is a very mysterious character. Whatever reason he had for accompanying Criss was not portrayed as well as I hoped it would be, and is still largely unknown. You might have addressed it in one of the chapters you posted, or plan to address it in the future, or plan to leave it open for interpretation. My own understanding is that Keith wanted a hand to hold, as he was repeatedly shocked by Criss's apathy, but refused to leave her. He is also quickly formed an unreasonable attachment to Criss. I can also see it being the reason for Criss allowing Keith to accompany her, especially considering how she's an official-of-sorts member of the Police, yet allowed a civilian to put himself in danger. As of this Arc, their relationship is strained and disconnected; it works at most of the time, as they have just met.

    The battles were my personal favourite part of the story, especially in the second chapter. I thought the contrast between the whimsical Pokémon battles, and the more serious, quick human clashes was great. It's definitely an aspect I enjoyed, and I thought it is was done even better in Chapter 2.5. It was one big, long action sequence, and it did its job. This unnamed man has become an intriguing character thanks to this chapter, something that I thought Chapter 2 failed to achieve.

    The major flaw I saw is Criss's backstory. Being undiscovered is not what I take issue with, but that practically nothing about it is known to raise the reader's interest in it. While it's supposed to be exciting, it comes across as a forced characteristic for Criss. We know that Flareon saved her life, and that she endangers herself a lot, but nothing else. Dropping some hints could have fixed that problem; leading the reader to make their own assumption, even if false, would've been more successful at doing that job.

    Now, onto the technical points.

    In Chapter 1:

    Quote Originally Posted by AetherX View Post
    Onix shuddered and winced under the barrage of water, but didn’t react.
    Changing the bolded part to "but otherwise, he didn't react" would annihilate that contradiction.

    In Chapter 2:

    Quote Originally Posted by AetherX View Post
    Being born by the sea, I was not much used to mountains, so I was very interested by the increasingly rocky terrain.
    "Raised" would have been a better option.

    Quote Originally Posted by AetherX View Post
    Okay then, I thought to myself, I guess her past is a little bit of a touchy subject.
    More of a formatting issue. From my understanding, inner dialogue should be italicised, and inner thoughts should be left as they are. The above line is inner dialogue, so it should be:

    Quote Originally Posted by AetherX View Post
    Okay then, I thought to myself, I guess her past is a little bit of a touchy subject.
    I don't know about whether the comma after "myself" should stay a comma or become a period, though...

    Quote Originally Posted by AetherX View Post
    The flaming red cat-like Pokémon pranced ahead into the darkness, illuminating the cave with an eerie red glow. Criss followed. I recalled Baron [?] went in too, albeit reluctantly.
    "And".

    Quote Originally Posted by AetherX View Post
    As his mutterings dwindled away down the tunnel, Criss began to stand, but I pulled her back down. “Wait,” I hissed, “I thought I [?] something moving over by those crates.”
    Description and dialogue should be separated, and "saw" should be added.

    Quote Originally Posted by AetherX View Post
    No one knew seemed to know anything about this man beyond the fact that he existed.
    Extra word.

    In Chapter 2.5:

    Quote Originally Posted by AetherX View Post
    “The boss? I guess that explains a lot,” exclaimed the man. “That letter to Goldenrod must have been a diversion, and we fell for it. At least we didn’t take the bait, huh, Flygon?”
    I get what you're trying to say in that line, but it could've been better worded, because it's just a contradiction right now.

    Quote Originally Posted by AetherX View Post
    The first Fearow had managed to recover by this time and now dove back down, landing a wing attack.
    Conflicts between the tense of this sentence and the tense of the rest of the chapter. Should be reworded.

    Quote Originally Posted by AetherX View Post
    The man sighed. “A Pokémon Center could probably save it, but we don’t have time. Come on[?] Flygon….”
    "The man sighed." should go to the previous paragraph, and the question mark should be replaced by a comma.

    And that's it for now. Sorry for not having a better, more in-depth review. Considering these few chapters are some of the beginning ones, I doubt this was very helpful, but if I provided even very little, limited help, then that'll be great.

    Great job; keep it up!

  9. #159
    Not A Piece of Cake Bubble Frog's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable"

    Chapter 36 & 37

    Loved em', the first one being a nice breather and set-up chapter after chapters of intense battling. As usual Criss continues to be the most interesting and dynamic character of the story to me. Examples:

    “I have no idea where Tim is, but I’m leaving in fifteen minutes regardless of who decides to come along."
    “Casualties happen,” said Criss as Flareon leaped onto the table and tenderly nudged Anna’s head.

    “What the hell’s that supposed to mean?” Neil said, looking at Criss incredulously. “You’d feel different if it was one of your Pokémon.”

    “Would I? Do you know that?”
    It's just, her behavior and demeanor is steeled and refined in a badass way. She isn't a weakly by any means and isn't afraid to get her hands dirty for the sake of her endeavor and fight against Team Rocket. I love that about her character and you characterize her really really well. Even her words about the Skyguard and how blunt and direct they are have their own flavor about them that I really like when it comes to Criss. You have crafted a well-done character like her and I continue and continue to really care for her. Reese Walker, the Skyguard, the Rocket agents, the interactions and set-up between them was just pitch perfect paced and I enjoyed their talk about their impending plans. Mr.Silph being held against his will gave the entire fight more of a sense of end-all be-all and apparently TR plans to flee. That makes things all the more engrossing for me, on the split side of things I wonder how the meeting of Nolan and Criss will go.

    The Skyguard attack scenes were intense and had quite a lot of momentum. I really enjoyed each and everyone and Keith's outlook on it all, temporary deafness, fear of death, gradual character development in the sense he's gaining what Criss herself had, watching the slaughtering and deaths of various people before his eyes. It's all having an impact on him in some form and the constant moments of exposition where we truly "feel" it as the readers are, once again, a treat to read because they're not dragged out and fairly exceptionally written. Didn't expect Tim to make the scene that quickly either, still liking Sabrina's personality. Now if I have one technical thing to criticize, your description is a bit lacking in some areas. Don't get me wrong it's not bad, not a cause for concern either. I just think it could be improved, honestly when it comes to reviewing your fic. during some chapters I have to try to do a little more in-depth nitpicking because you've gotten everything down pact well. Grammar, characterization, pacing, and a lot of other aspects of this fic. have improved sharply compared to when I first started reading it. I truly can tell you're putting a lot of effort into keeping it all good.

  10. #160
    .______. Elysia's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    Hi, so I was browsing through fics that I saw in people's signatures when I came across this one, and it actually piqued my interest quite a bit. I especially liked how you skipped the whole "wake up/go to lab/get starter/generic battle against route bird/generic battle against rival" introduction, which kept me reading until the good stuff happened.

    Uh. Anyways. I was going to do a full review of the fanfic as a whole when I finally caught up with all of the chapters (I'm a tad too lazy busy to do the much for the earlier chapters/have assumed that your writing style has altered significantly in the past two years, so most of my comments would be outdated anyways), and I'm still going to do that, hopefully, but I wanted to point out this gem from one of the Nolan chapters:

    Quote Originally Posted by AetherX View Post

    “I said don’t come any closer!” cried the grunt a little less shakily. He finally drew a gun from his jacket pocket and aimed it at Nolan. “Stop! I have a gun!”

    Nolan and his entourage halted. “Do you?” he said calmly, “I have a dragon.”

    I couldn't find a completely accurate GIF, but the exchange goes "I have an army."/"*dismissive laugh* We have a hulk."

    And at first the little alarm bells in my head were going off and I was like "PFFFT, YOU CAN'T PLAGIARIZE FROM JOSS WHEDON. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, CASSANDRA CLAIRE? RAGGGGEEEEEEE!!!!!111!"

    And then I checked the date, and the last edit was a year before Le Avengers, at which point I was colored impressed. also the comma after "calmly" should be a period.

    ...so that's my story for the day, if you cared. It's not thread necromancy if I'm saying something productive and this isn't a deadfic, right? (And this isn't a deadfic, right? XD) Anyways, I'll try to give a more helpful review for later chapters, when I eventually catch up. I like what I'm seeing in the early bits so far a lot, but again, your writing style's probably changed/improved by now so there's hardly much of a point to go in depth yet, if you don't mind? I wasn't planning on posting until I'd caught up, but when I saw the quote, I couldn't resist.

  11. #161
    Your mind is a world AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable"

    Hi guys! I realize it's been a really long time and I'm really sorry about that. I really can't complain about no one reading my fic anymore, can I? I'm blown away by the responses to the last chapter, so I'll go ahead and reply to those before making a bit of an announcement.

    @some colour no doubt; All caps responses are the best. I hope you reappear again to read the rest!
    @Flaze; Wow, that's a lot of high praise! I'm glad that you think so highly of this fic and I hope the next few chapters will stay up to that par of quality.
    @Kyuuketsuki; Thanks for reading and reviewing. It was hard to provoke more interest in Criss's past without giving away key details, but I tried my best. Looking back, I don't think I did very well in establishing any characters at all, which has unfortunately hurt the entirety of the fic. Those first few chapters were some of the first serious fiction I ever wrote of my own volition, so they're a bit lackluster. Thanks for the corrections, I should really go back and fix some of that stuff.
    @Gotpika; I'm glad you like Criss, I've put more and more effort into her over the course of the fic. I honestly thought she was a bit cliche when I first created her, but as I've written her more I've kind of discovered just how deep she is. Expect more of that in the future. Thanks for the comment on my description, I've noticed that too and I've been working really hard to improve. Hopefully the next few chapters are better.
    @Elysia; Glad to see I'm still attracting new readers! I love The Avengers, but no I did not copy it :P I was kind of going for the cheesy action movie badass one-liner thing, so I'm glad that was caught. I hope you keep reading!

    OKAY. So... No new chapter yet. I've started it, but I honestly have no idea how long it's going to be. Hopefully I'll have it done in the next few weeks *knock on wood* but for now, if you want something to read, I haven't been entirely lazy over the past several months. I've been writing a long one-shot about Harry and the resistance. That can be found here: UNSUNG HEROES. Hopefully that tides you over until I can get Chapter 40 up.

  12. #162
    Your mind is a world AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable"

    Hey everyone! Thanks for waiting so patiently (those of you still with me). The fic isn't dead and won't be for the foreseeable future. I've been busy as hell for the last several months, so this chapter has been very slow in the making. I did do Unsung Heroes, though. It's a spin-off one shot about Harry that you all should really read if you haven't.

    I apologize for any decline in quality. I didn't spend long proofreading, as I wanted to get this out as soon as possible. Also in the spirit of getting this out as quickly as possible, I decided to split this final battle chapter into two bits. So this isn't exactly the "finale-ish" as promised before, but that doesn't mean it's short. Far from it! I'll try really hard to get the next one out in a few weeks. NOT NINE MONTHS I PROMISE.

    It's been a while, so here's a quick summary of recent events to get you all caught up:

    Enjoy~

    This time: The fight for Saffron reaches a fever pitch, and Keith and co. discover some hints as to what Team Rocket has been up to.

    Chapter 40

    Last edited by AetherX; 8th February 2014 at 05:28 AM.

  13. #163
    Stray Dog Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable"

    Sorry I took so long to read this ;-;

    But. BEST.CHAPTER.EVER at least in this fic xD my whole comment's going to be in spoilers otherwsie so I'll just say this now. On a technical sense I think the chapter was perfect, there weren't any mistakes and the description had just the right amount of grab. The actions flowed nicely and at least for me were easy to imagine in my head to the point that I'm actually feel winded as if all of that had just happened in my head, it just made it all the better. The dialogue was quick but very easy to follow at the same time and it was easy to get a grasp of the emotion that each character wanted to reflect.

    Now for the plot stuff


  14. #164
    Less cute in person Beth Pavell's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable"

    So I just read through the first arc, up to the end of Chapter 2.5. I don't like to do things by half-measures though, so I will read and review the other arcs when I have the time! First impressions first - well it was very readable. I didn't have trouble getting into the flow of the plot. Switching back and forth across different times and perspectives works quite well in the first arc. I found the business of getting to Pewter City and the first Badge a bit pacey but I get the feeling that the Badge quest is really background so it's not much of a gripe.

    Characters are fine, though I'm not grabbed yet. I did enjoy Keith's discipline of his Butterfree - more trainers should be sterner with misbehaving pokémon! His motives in general are believable enough, though I'll be interested to see if he really has shrugged off the death in Mt Moon. As for Criss, she is interesting enough in her own way. I've got to say that her dialogue is the strongest part of her character.

    I'd like to see more world building as I keep reading. You can obviously invent and expand places in the world - the offhand references to the geography in Viridian Forest show that - but Pewter City felt a bit empty to me. The gym was described nicely, but the rest of the city almost read as if it were three buildings standing next to one another.

    The whole Mt Moon sequence was well done - particularly moving about the caves, which was clear as to what was going on. Nothing in the battles made me go "Really?" so that's a bonus. The battles were nice and tight, and an improvement on the Pewter Gym battle. Best praise I can give is that you didn't get melodramatic, which for me would have killed the tenser mood.

    That's about all I can think of for the moment. As I say, I intend to read further and comment when I do
    The Long Walk
    For Joshua Cook, it's a long walk away from his dull life to the Pokémon League. But does he really want to be the very best? A coming-of-age story of adventure, friendship and growing up in the world of Pokémon.


    Pavell's Scribbledegook Week XII - Adapting the games: Little Details

  15. #165
    Less cute in person Beth Pavell's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable"

    It occurs to me now that reviewing each arc as I intended wouldn't be all that useful unless you were going to reboot, so instead here's a few general comments on the story and a review of Chapter 40:



    Aaaand, for the Chapter 40 review

    The Long Walk
    For Joshua Cook, it's a long walk away from his dull life to the Pokémon League. But does he really want to be the very best? A coming-of-age story of adventure, friendship and growing up in the world of Pokémon.


    Pavell's Scribbledegook Week XII - Adapting the games: Little Details

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