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  1. #136
    Stray Dog Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable"

    I have to admit that the chapter was pretty good. The fight between Tim and Criss was mostly...summarized but it was still really interesting to read it actually. Also I like how you expanded on the multiple ranks that Team Rocket has, it really gives an edge to things.

    I'm starting to see more KeithxCriss here xD though maybe they've just gotten that close, so much that she's finally letting stuff out to him.

    Overall, I think it's a good returnign chapter, not too actiony but enough to move the plot along after the three months of no chapters. I hope you don't take as long with the next chapter though :)

  2. #137
    ポケモン Tsutarja's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable"

    Hey! This "review" won't be even nearly as long as the one you did for my story, but seeing how I missed only three chapters - I hope you find it satisfying as well as my comments and slight critiques.


    Chapter 31:

    Wow, this was an amazing chapter. I don't think I spotted any big mistakes but I was blown away by the writing of your battles, they were simply descriptive and I could exactly imagine what was going on on the battlefield. I also the way you described the audience as well as Keith's reaction to the audience, the audience was a part of this chapter and I loved it when they all went silent for that one moment in the battle between Baron and Electabuzz. Battles are definitely one of your strong sides, simply amazing, in my opinion.

    Chapter 32:

    I'm kinda disappointed that you rushed through some battles as it was Keith's brother in question. It may have turned out longer, but I don't think that a two-parter would have hurt. :P And while I do like the character development Keith went through, it kinda seemed sudden and ... forced? I don't know, I simply feel as if it came out of nowhere. But yeah, I'm glad that Keith finally realized that his Pokémon are not just some battle machines of his, it's an important development indeed.

    The battles were good though not as good as the ones in the previous chapter, if I may be honest.

    Of course, Criss just keeps being more mysterious. Though I do love the fact she was ready to go there and evoke people to make a revolution - it just fits her character very much.

    Chapter 33:

    This was a good chapter. Not much battle wise since I didn't really expect Tim to triumph over Criss but plot wise, it was very interesting. I was shocked to see that Criss returned all covered in blood as it makes Team Rocket seem like a deadly threat now, especially those Skyguard members. I'm glad that Criss opened up to Keith a little but there's still something missing ... I don't know, something unpredictable has yet to happen.

    I'm very curious on what will happen and what's so unpredictable about the whole thing.

    Overall, you're a good writer and you have a talent for writing battles. Your descriptions are quite good as I didn't notice any mistakes and - you're just much better of a writer than I am, hehe. I hope this will suffice, I did my best. :S


  3. #138
    Your mind is a world AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable"

    Quote Originally Posted by Tsutarja View Post
    And while I do like the character development Keith went through, it kinda seemed sudden and ... forced? I don't know, I simply feel as if it came out of nowhere. But yeah, I'm glad that Keith finally realized that his Pokémon are not just some battle machines of his, it's an important development indeed.
    I totally understand where you'e coming from here and I completely agree. That was terribly done. I should have been building up to that moment for several chapters if not the whole fic, but I'm unfortunately getting quite lazy. That entire chapter was pretty much a freewrite. I had a basic idea what I wanted to have happen, and then I just wrote whatever popped into my head. I don't particularly like how it turned out and I apologize. I'm glad you liked Chapter 31's battle, I'm trying to channel some of that into this chapter.

    Anyway, it's been two months... TWO MONTHS? FFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU I suck at this. Once I get out of the tournament arc, my inspiration should take hold and help me pound out a chapter a week again. Hopefully. Just bear with me here.

    Tags: @Stellar Haze ; @sharktooth162 ; @Tsutarja ;

    This time: The much anticipated full six on six battle between Criss and Keith (Part 1). Also, I couldn't resist throwing in some more buildup for the big climax (there's a certain character who has been missing for... I dunno, nine chapters now?).


    Chapter 34

    Last edited by AetherX; 12th July 2012 at 11:42 PM.

  4. #139
    Stray Dog Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable"

    The battle was good though it got a bit over descriptive around the middle back when Baron was fighting. It got better later on so what I can suggest is that you don't stay too long in Keith's thoughts sometimes you focus too much on what he's thinking and it kind of takes away from the action.

  5. #140
    Your mind is a world AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable"

    I worked my ass off on this one. Sorry again that it's been so long. Enjoy!

    Tags: @Stellar Gale ; @sharktooth162 ; @Tsutarja ;

    This time: The explosive finale of the climactic battle between Criss and Keith!

    Chapter 35


  6. #141
    Stray Dog Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable"

    Well Keith's loss was something I was actually expecting xD I mean Criss is not one that you can just see losing in a battle. But yeah I'm glad Keith finally lost and also I'm glad that we got another mention of Rainer in this chapter cause I had already forgotten about him and that's no good. Your chapter was pretty solid, you really managed to grasp the emotion in this one and even allowed me to imagine what was actually happening, plus I liked the fact that it wasn't as long and it didn't take as long with the battles as other chapters.

  7. #142
    Not A Piece of Cake Bubble Frog's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable"

    Wooo, finally have my review exchange for you. Sorry for the wait, I managed to read a bit of your story because I was able to save the webpage on my 3DS this morning before I lost the internet connection by going to school so I read up on it during my respective first period and third period classes.

    There's no reason for you to tell us that his Butterfree is named "Locustod" we can figure that out by it be stated in the story or with the flashback which happens later.

    Two days ago I turned sixteen. Two days ago I got my Pokémon license and my Squirtle, Rainer. Two days ago, I knew what I was doing. Now, not so much. This journeying stuff was tough. Only three nights ago I had lain with my best friend Tim on the roof of his house, looking up at the stars.
    So, you've made a few changes to the typical formula, your journey starts at 16? That's interesting.

    Butterfree were supposed to be rare in the Viridian Forest, as they usually migrated away immediately after evolving. This would be an opportunity too rare to miss out on.
    Creative explanation.
    “Tackle, string shot, stun spore, poison powder, sleep powder, and confusion.”
    You're breaking the four move formula, too? Interesting. I guess it would make sense a Pokemon could never forget something like tackling someone.
    I was witnessing my first Pokémon evolution. The newly evolved Arbok was much larger than the Ekans had been.
    Evolution already? Chapter 1 no less.

    An official battle against an official gym leader on an official field with an official… official.
    Nice line of dialogue, that.

    “You get eight more of those,” Brock continued, “and you can challenge the Elite Four. That’s quite a ways away though.”
    So, I'm assuming this is another break from canon since it takes 8 badges to challenge the Elite Four in-game while it seems to take nine here.


    Anyway, your story caught my attention, I don't mind journey fic. if they're something that's not cliche or overdone and have interesting plot and characters. Keith seems interesting enough as well as his cryptic past with his father and his dad's death. His three Pokemon, Locustod, Rainer, and Baron haven't done too much yet, but I like how you've established Locustod as being a more eccentric and bustling Pokemon early on. I hope to see some more out of Keith's Pokemon in the future.

    I'm kinda wondering if that stone Keith received was the "Old Amber"? Criss easily interested me with her unadulterated distaste toward Team Rocket, I don't get the feeling that Keith hates Team Rocket. He just hasn't really shown it much at all. Criss seems to be an already ready trainer with badges and nicely powered Pokemon from the start of the fic. which isn't bad. The battle against Brock almost seemed too quick, Locustod, being newly caught seemed to bring down Geodude too quickly with one Confusion. The same for Rainer against Onix, it never took damage and beat Onix easily.

    I also thought the eventual combination of Criss and Keith was a bit too speedy, I don't see why Criss and Keith would travel together so easily. They only just met a little while back and I didn't get strong feelings of friendship or interaction between either, but it's not too bad. They only just now met. Keith catches a new Pokemon, earns a new badge, and Criss' Ekans evolves. A lot certainly did happen in this one chapter.

    Otherwise, you did a good job and you should keep it up.

    Don't worry about the length, length doesn't bother me if the work is quality. ;p

  8. #143
    Your mind is a world AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable"

    Quote Originally Posted by Stellar Gale View Post
    Well Keith's loss was something I was actually expecting xD I mean Criss is not one that you can just see losing in a battle. But yeah I'm glad Keith finally lost and also I'm glad that we got another mention of Rainer in this chapter cause I had already forgotten about him and that's no good. Your chapter was pretty solid, you really managed to grasp the emotion in this one and even allowed me to imagine what was actually happening, plus I liked the fact that it wasn't as long and it didn't take as long with the battles as other chapters.
    Glad you liked it, I worked really hard to make this the best battle yet. I didn't think that anyone would honestly believe Criss would lose, but I hope I pulled it off well. I'm pumped you think I got the emotion down, I've been working on that for a while. I'm trying to tone down the length of chapters too, so hopefully that will make things better. Thanks for reading!

    Quote Originally Posted by Gotpika View Post

    “You get eight more of those,” Brock continued, “and you can challenge the Elite Four. That’s quite a ways away though.”
    So, I'm assuming this is another break from canon since it takes 8 badges to challenge the Elite Four in-game while it seems to take nine here.
    *seven

    Hi! My name's AetherX and I'm a complete f*cking idiot! HURPADURRR. Haha, I'm surprised no one else caught that. I might have meant to not say "more."

    Anyway, my first few arcs were awfully written, in my opinion. They don't get much better. The battle with Brock was kind of forced, I don't think I really wanted to write it at all. Character consistency and motivations are important and something that I struggled with early on. The overarching plot went through so many changes as I was writing the first three arcs that by the time I posted anything, it was all convoluted. In my first iteration of the story, Criss had a reason to actually be interested in Keith specifically. I ended up overhauling her background though, and when I went back to alter Chapter 1 so that it made sense, I got lazy. Important lesson there...

    Thanks a bunch for the review! It reminded me of some things I need to keep in mind while writing.

  9. #144
    Your mind is a world AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable"

    Time for a new chapter! This one's a little different than usual.

    Tags: @Stellar Gale ; @sharktooth162 ; @Tsutarja ;

    This time: Both sides prepare for the battle of a lifetime.

    Chapter 36



    I'm planning on doing the whole arc jumping between a few different POVs, we'll see how that goes. Advice on how I could improve would be welcome.

  10. #145
    Stray Dog Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable"

    The chapter was really good, it's nice to finally start on a new arc especially that now we'll finally get a chance to see our heroes in action once more. The chapter was pretty fresh, especially since it gave us a sort of break from the tournament, not that I didn't like that arc but I myself know how tournaments can be a bit of a hassle some times and it's always better after you're done.

    Your grammar and description were good, at least in my opinion so overall I say that this chapter was perfect for the start of an arc, we got to see new characters, foreshadowing and also the action is starting once more, so keep it up.

  11. #146
    Your mind is a world AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable"

    I've had this ready for a while, I just kept forgetting to post it.

    Tags: @Stellar Gale ; @sharktooth162 ; @Tsutarja ;

    This time: The battle begins!

    Chapter 37


  12. #147
    Reader and Writer Legacy's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable"

    I saw you were back and so I wanted to review your fic. Overall, really well done. Like people have mentioned, perhaps starting new paragraphs more often would make it a bit easier to read, but that's really my only gripe.

    I am a sucker for the original Kanto-based stories, and this doesn't disappoint. Very awesome takes on all of the characters/gym leaders, especially Misty. They all have that signature essence about them but while still allowing you to get creative and expand on their personalities, which work very well with Keith in varying ways.

    I also like your ability to use foreshadowing and suspense, especially in the later chapters.

    That's all I got for now! Cheers!

    Welcome back!

    Coming Soon...

  13. #148
    Your mind is a world AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable"

    Quote Originally Posted by Legacy View Post
    I saw you were back and so I wanted to review your fic. Overall, really well done. Like people have mentioned, perhaps starting new paragraphs more often would make it a bit easier to read, but that's really my only gripe.

    I am a sucker for the original Kanto-based stories, and this doesn't disappoint. Very awesome takes on all of the characters/gym leaders, especially Misty. They all have that signature essence about them but while still allowing you to get creative and expand on their personalities, which work very well with Keith in varying ways.

    I also like your ability to use foreshadowing and suspense, especially in the later chapters.

    That's all I got for now! Cheers!

    Welcome back!
    Thanks so much for reading, I hope you liked it enough to continue! The original concept behind this story was to retell the game's story but focus on characters: the main character, game canon characters, and anyone else I felt like putting in. Are the more recent chapters better in terms of paragraphs? Sometimes I feel like I have too many, I just want to know if that's more of a complaint about my early chapters. Maybe my eyes are just weird.

    Also, quick note: I'm going to completely dump the old tags list, since I've been gone so long. So if you still want to be tagged, let me know.

    This time: To the tower, and meeting someone on the way.

    Chapter 38



  14. #149
    Stray Dog Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable"

    Well I've always thought Koga was sketchy to begin with so I wouldn't say that was your fault dude xD

    Okay chapter 37 and 38 were actually pretty good, even if there wasn't any action I still liked them cause it got the plot moving more. I think it would be better if you added a little more description at some parts but you've been doing pretty good on that end lately, though maybe try to focus on the character's feelings and reactions a little more, especially during the next few chapters.

    It looks like the end is finally near and you've been doing great so far so I have no doubt in my mind that the next few chapters are going to be the best ones. As someone that has finished a fic my only advised to you is to not rush it, if you really are reaching the conclusion then this is the point where you should focus more and put all you have into it.

  15. #150
    Not A Piece of Cake Bubble Frog's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable"

    Chapter 34

    Anyway, I'm finally here, I'll start by reviewing the battle two-parter. Lemme just say, I like the tournament idea however I don't care Keith's huge amount of success as a trainer. He has never lost a battle, he's gotten very rare Pokemon with little effort, he's praised as a hero by his town pretty much, he even made it to the finals of the tournament along with Criss. It almost seems too good to be true, like you're making him out to be entirely too good a trainer. Especially when he was just starting out and most new trainers do make mistakes that cost them battles. That doesn't seem to be the case with Keith a lot of the time however, iirc, he fights TR and gets a Growlithe, how lucky. He catches a Dragon-type(Which are traditionally hard to come by and very strong) after releasing Locustod like that.....he gets a fossil Pokemon. On top of near flawless win-record and a team of rare and easily gotten Pokemon, he also has the ability to telepathically communicate with his Pokemon and the ability apparently exceeds that of Criss's own. It all just seems too good. The fact he's beaten every trainer he's come across is just forced for a new trainer, he even managed to beat his brother. There were hardly any grammatical errors, at least none I caught. I liked the actions overall and liked your use of Pokemon and moves. Something I want to point out regarding the use of Toxic Spikes is, while Keith's Pokemon were in danger of being Poisoned, none of them actually did. It would have been a lot more intense if one or two of them had been effected by the toxic field but they never were and it's usually good, imo, to have something like that be of use. Especially since they had a sense of heightened hazard after the Spikes were spread. You do a good job of writing battles, I managed to picture everything in my head. Your wording wasn't too flowery nor did I find any awkward dialogue or description. Nice job in that regard, I liked the opening with Keith's nervousness also. Very nicely done beginning to an epic battle.

    Chapter 35

    The continuation of the battle was great, again, I commend you on your ability to write exceptional battles. I also liked the little characterization you gave Psyke, choosing to show-off during the battle for example is a large contrast to Kadabra who is typically a stoic and focused Pokemon. Gotta say, I'm not surprised Criss ended up winning. Especially after the prebattle spiel Keith was giving himself to prepare. I certainly didn't expect Criss to lose in the slightest, maybe struggle a lot, which she did, but not lose. Now that that's over, I'm curious how the Saffron Confrontation will play out. Nice description with Keith likening defeat to mud. The pacing was quite fitting and I wonder how or if Keith will be a bit broken from this defeat, seems fitting given he's been pretty invincible up until this point. He did come off as empty at the end, which might be foreshadowing.

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