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  1. #1
    J'ai Envie De Toi AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Post "Unpredictable"

    Yes, this is a journey fic. If you don't like journey fics, don't read this. That said, this story will depart from cliches as it goes on.

    This story is about a boy named Keith Anders and his adventures through the Pokemon World. He's enthusiastic at first but as time goes on he discovers the harsh realities of the world that he had apparently been protected from. This isn't a darkfic, but neither is it incredibly happy and cheesy. I tried to find a combination of the two, as I get really depressed when I read darkfics and I don't find fics without some morbidity very exciting. Therefore the story has both dark moments of death and violence, but it has just as many moments of lighthearted happiness.

    I've severely edited and revised the first couple chapters over time, so they may seem a little blocky with lots of flashbacks, but I think it flows better. I've written about seven chapters so far, but they all need to be edited before I put them up. I feel like I just need to post something, otherwise I'll be kept in a constant loop of editing and tweaking. Please keep in mind that this is the first story I have ever really written. Also, the main characters in this story are 16-19 years old. They will act and talk like 16-19 year olds. So expect some swearing and slight perversion.

    By the way, yes, the main character does nickname his Pokemon after Pokegods.

    GLORIOUS AWARDS:




    Table of Contents:

    Prologue - Pallet Town (below)

    Arc I: The Journey Begins
    Chapter 1 - Pewter City (below)
    Chapter 2 - Mt. Moon
    Chapter 2.5 - Skies above Kanto

    Arc II: Cerulean City
    Chapter 3 - Cerulean City
    Chapters 3.5 & 4 - Forest near Celadon & Nugget Bridge
    Chapter 5 - Battle vs Misty
    Chapter 6 - On and around Cerulean Cave and in the City
    Chapter 6.5 - Celadon City
    Chapter 7 - Tim vs. Misty

    Arc III: Sabrina's Training: Power of the Mind
    Chapter 8 - Saffron City
    Chapter 9 - Sabrina's Gym
    Chapter 9.5 - Forest near Celadon
    Chapter 10 - Sabrina's Gym, final training

    Arc IV: The Turning of the Tides
    Chapter 11 - Battle vs. Lt. Surge
    Chapter 12 - Pokemon Tower
    Chapter 13 - Lavender Town
    Chapter 14 - Routes 8 and 7

    Arc V: Celadon City
    Chapter 15 - Forest North of Celadon
    Chapter 16 - Celadon Hospital and the City
    Chapter 16.5 - Celadon City again
    Chapter 17 - Erika's Gym
    Chapter 18 - Battle vs. Erika
    Chapter 19 - Celadon Department Store and Hotel
    Chapter 20 - Rocket Game Corner

    Arc VI: Koga's Training: Power of the Body
    Chapter 21 - Routes 16-18
    Chapter 22 - Fuchsia City
    Chapter 23 - Ocean South of Fuchsia
    Chapter 24 - Tim vs. Koga
    Chapter 25 - The Safari Zone and one last night in Fuchsia City

    Arc VII: Calm Before the Storm
    Chapter 26 - Cinnabar Island
    Chapter 27 - Battle vs. Blaine
    Chapter 28 - Pallet Town

    Arc VIII: The Spring Battle Festival Tournament
    Chapter 29 - Preliminary Round
    Chapter 30 - Primary Round 1: Keith vs Anna
    Chapter 31 - Primary Rounds 2 & 3: Keith vs Neil
    Chapter 32 - Championship Semi Finals: Keith vs Spencer
    Chapter 33 - Championship Semi Finals: Tim vs Criss
    Chapter 34 - Championship Finals: Keith vs Criss Part 1/2
    Chapter 35 - Championship Finals: Keith vs Criss Part 2/2

    In 'verse One-Shot: Unsung Heroes

    Arc IX: The Battle for Saffron City
    Chapter 36 - Twilight
    Chapter 37 - Dawn
    Chapter 38 - Midday
    Chapter 39 - Silph Tower
    Chapter 40 - Dusk (Part 1)
    *Chapter 41 - Dusk (Part 2)*
    Chapter 42 - Project Titan
    Chapter 42.5 - Nolan vs Reese

    Arc X: Aftermath
    -



    This introduction has gotten pretty long so I should probably stop. Here goes, let me know what you think. I hope the chapters aren't too long:

    Prologue



    Chapter 1

    Attached Thumbnails Attached Thumbnails springbestsupporting.png   bestsupportingcharacter.png  
    Last edited by AetherX; 31st March 2014 at 01:19 AM.
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    J'ai Envie De Toi AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Post Re: "Unpredictable" (Journey Fic)

    Still no responses? I suppose labeling it as a journey fic tends to scare away readers. Here's the second chapter anyways, I tried to take the events from the game and make them a little more realistic, while at the same time keeping it original.

    The little bit in italics at the beginning was added recently. It has to do with a character that I originally hadn't planned on having show up for a LONG time, but I figured that it adds to the story and will help the reader like the character a little more when he actually does appear.

    I also have a more personal thing to say about this chapter. It entails the general loss of innocence of the main character, which is important to the rest of the story. I wrote it so that Keith reacts to death and violence in much the same way as I do. Although I'm sure that many people on this forum would disagree with me, video games and movies have slightly desensitized us to violence. It's true, but not to the point where many people take it. In a life threatening situation I'm sure that all of you would react just the same as if you hadn't played any video games at all. As far as viewing death and violence from the outside though, people seem to forget the value of life. I portray significantly less carnage in my story as in some of the others I have read on here, but Keith reacts in a much bigger way. Anyone who has actually experienced a life threatening situation I'm sure would agree that Keith's reaction is slightly more realistic for someone his age, although it is still dumbed down quite a lot.

    But I digress, here's the chapter in all its much too long glory:

    Chapter 2



    I'll try to keep them a little bit shorter in the future :P
    Last edited by AetherX; 29th January 2011 at 08:57 PM.

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    Registered User sharktooth162's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (Journey Fic)

    Really good fic I think your descriptions are good and the main character is good and is pretty much how any teen would act with his pokemon but you might want to give him a name cause I couldn't find it. Also I think criss' character is good and I like the how ruthless she is for an eighteen year old which means that team rocket must have killed her brother in a pretty nasty way. I also think its good how you main character isn't instantly good at battling and even resorts to telling Baron to "get him" showing that at the moment the power of his pokemon is getting him through which is how most trainers start out. You also might want to put more description in your battles to stretch them out a bit as they seem a bit short but if you want to get more story into each chapter just keep them the way they are. So to sum up I really like your fic so if you can pm me when you put up another chapter
    Read my fanfic Tales of the Gym leader's and comment if you like or dislike it thanks

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    J'ai Envie De Toi AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Post Re: "Unpredictable" (Journey Fic)

    Thanks for the feedback, the main character's name is Keith. I think I put that in there somewhere, it's tough to introduce him when its in 1st person. The battles will get better, longer, and more detailed as time goes on. I did write these early chapters a long time ago for the most part, so they aren't as high quality.

    Here's the next chapter, its actually more of an in-between account of what happens to that creepy guy with a Flygon so its much shorter. I just wrote this for fun the other day and I think it turned out pretty good.

    (Note: I won't include background music for most of my stuff but some scenes, like this one, were inspired by specific songs. I'll link them when this is the case: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SZ1GbBlS9wM)

    Chapter 2.5

    Last edited by AetherX; 29th January 2011 at 09:08 PM.

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    Registered User sharktooth162's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (Journey Fic)

    really good chapter and I'm hoping Flygon survives because its one of my favourite pokemon. wondering how the man is going to fit into the story but I'm sure that will be revealed and your description is much better and feels less rushed
    Read my fanfic Tales of the Gym leader's and comment if you like or dislike it thanks

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    J'ai Envie De Toi AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Post Re: "Unpredictable" (Journey Fic)

    Fortunately, you won't have to wait long to find out what happens to Mr. Flygon, I have another half chapter on the way. Unfortunately, he won't fit into the story for quite a long time, aside from cameo appearances. The only reason I'm saying this is because I originally wrote the fic without the italicized parts, so don't get your hopes up yet.

    Anyways, until I get some more readers and feedback I might as well plow ahead. This chapter is kind of a filler so I'll post the next one soon, maybe tomorrow. Nevertheless, its important.

    Chapter 3

    Last edited by AetherX; 7th January 2011 at 10:32 PM.

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    J'ai Envie De Toi AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (Journey Fic)

    Woohoo double whammy! but the first chapter is pretty short so it hardly counts. I have plans for a few edits to help the fic's curb appeal. Not that I really care how many people read it, I just want more feedback! The edits should be online in the next week or so.

    Anyways, this time, Sir Flygon's story continues (he'll be named soon enough, just give me time), albeit briefly. Then, Keith goes out to practice with his newest Pokemon on Nugget Bridge, where he meets a relatively hostile young woman. Several journey fic cliches are explained in the process and you get some back story on Keith.

    Chapter 3.5



    Chapter 4

    Last edited by AetherX; 7th January 2011 at 10:34 PM.

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    Registered User sharktooth162's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (Journey Fic)

    Another really good pair of chapters and I particularly liked the way that people who challenge the league are thought of as delusional and childish seen as it does seem like an odd thing to want to do and it also explains why everyone isnt challenging the league. I must admit it would have been nice for magnemite to put up some of a fight seen as it seemed like the other trainer should really have got it but its still good and I'm glad Flygon is alive. If you wouldnt mind I could do with a review of my fics and the links in the sig so if you've got time have a look and tell me what you think
    Read my fanfic Tales of the Gym leader's and comment if you like or dislike it thanks

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    J'ai Envie De Toi AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Post Re: "Unpredictable" (Journey Fic)

    Like I said, that wasn't a very well written chapter (#3). I originally had a later scene where that other trainer became relevant, but I ended up scrapping it. I should have gone back and took him out. I have actually read your fic before but I was too lazy to write a response, which I have just gone back and done.

    This next chapter will be the last one for a little while. The main reason for this: chapter 6 is HORRIBLE. I have decided to rewrite it completely, which will take some time. Other reasons: I want to take some time to go back and change some previous chapters as well as edit the first post to see if I can attract some potential reviewers. I also want to continue the actual writing, where I am on to chapter 18. I probably won't catch up for a while anyways, but if I keep editing rather than writing I will eventually. As soon as I get through with writing the next action scene I will continue posting.

    Anyways, on to the chapter. Keith battles Misty... yeah.

    Chapter 5

    Last edited by AetherX; 7th January 2011 at 10:37 PM.

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    Registered User sharktooth162's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (Journey Fic)

    Another good chapter and I like the innovative way sonic boom was used as it shows more imagination than just using the moves in their basic forms. I also like the way Keith returned Tesla before he fainted as it shows he actually cares about his pokemon and doesnt want to see them hurt. I look forward to the next chapter
    Read my fanfic Tales of the Gym leader's and comment if you like or dislike it thanks

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    J'ai Envie De Toi AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Post Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    Okey dokey I'm back now. I'm not quite as far as I want with my writing but I have the next three chapters all proofread and ready to be posted. It's finals week for me starting Tuesday so this is it until next weekend.

    I completely rewrote this chapter from the ground up but I'm still not entirely satisfied. Nevertheless I don't really know how to make it better so here it is. It's incredibly important to the whole overall plot line in about a million ways so its not like I could skip it.

    This time: something "unpredictable" happens to Keith, Tim finally catches up, and Keith goes for a new Pokemon. The way Keith and Tim act around each other is largely based off how me and my friends act minus the inside jokes and most of the sexual innuendos (but I couldn't keep all of those out, wheres the fun in that?). Feedback is much appreciated and encouraged. I am seriously considering murdering the grammar and spelling in the first chapter just to get people's attention and to get them to comment (not really, Firefox has spell check and red lines are a pet peeve. Spelling and grammar will remain intact). But I digress:

    Chapter 6



    Next: The mysterious Flygon trainer gets a name, a personality, and a little background.

    Also, I added a prologue to the OP. Check it out.

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    EL-OH-EL Italics's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    Corrections in yellow, my notes in bold. Cool? -- Italics

    Prologue:



    Chapter One:


    This has a lot of potential. Look up "speech tags" on Google. Use the Enter key more often. Eat your vegetables. I'll review the rest of the story later. I'll focus on characterization and plot after chapter two, all right?

    Sorry I'm not as "asky-asky" as I usually am, but I haven't slept in forever and I need some rest. A lot. Have any questions? Just, like, VM or PM me, or something. After I've slept, of course.

    Also, you can choose whether or not to use my corrections. I think you should, but since I'm biased, you don't have to. But I suggest you do.

    And do brussel sprouts count as vegetables?

    I'M AN UTTER BADASS.
    Also, my fan fics, my episode recaps, and my reviewing badge.

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    J'ai Envie De Toi AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    Wow. Thank you so much. My enter key gets more use in later chapters, I've just been too busy to come back and fix the earlier stuff. I'm not going to go into each and every correction you made but I will say that I am going to use most of them, but not all. I've decided, for example, not to capitalize the names of attacks. Also, I realize that "anyways" isn't a word, but people use it anyway (see what I did there?), so I went ahead and used it in dialogue. At least it's not as bad as saying "could of" or "should of" (my own English teacher has been guilty of that ).

    Take your time, I'm surprised that you made as comprehensive of a review as you did in such little time. I'll get to work making changes, thanks for the help!

    I'm pretty sure brussel sprouts are vegetables... aren't they a kind of cabbage ?

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    Registered User sharktooth162's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    The chapter was good and I like how the gym was used as a place where people train regularly rather than just a place to battle gym leaders. could have done with a bit more description in some places but that's just being nit-picky so all in all good chapter. Also I should have my new Gym leader tale up by the end of the week so look out for that and I'l PM you when its up
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  15. #15
    Now available in 4D! Flygon 101's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Unpredictable" (PG-13)

    Very good, very good

    Character developement is not the greatest. You have gone for the "If I do it slowly, people will want to read more" approach. This is fine for some, but not so fine for others. While it makes the characters seem mysterious, it can get dull and frustrating if you don't know someone's name 15 chapters after they were introduced. I'm not saying you do this, but be careful you don't start doing it.

    Apart from the innuendos, Keith is not really portrayed as a 16 y/o. To me, he feels like a general Ash character but without the blaring obliviousness to certain things.
    Eg. A smart and responsible 16 y/o does not normally run over to an eerie cave after someone just told them it was dangerous. But then again, Keith doesn't sound smart or responsible.
    I like how you tackled some of the cliches for pokemon. Some things didn't completely tie in with others.
    Eg. If he went to college, why didn't he know simple attacks or that Abra only knows Teleport.
    Apart from that, you have dealt with it appropriately.

    I'm not 100% sure what you're basing this on. Anime or games, its a little unclear but I think it's anime.

    Spelling / Grammar is to be expected. Simple mistakes caused by honest unknowing or accidrntal typing. If you are really bothered you could get a Beta reader or type it into MS Word, spellcheck it, then copy/paste it into your fic.


    Also, I'm going to have to take points off for harming a Flygon. Joke, but seriously, he better not die.

    Overall score:

    6/10
    Don't worry, that's a good score.



    Finally, Brussels Sprouts are a vegetable.
    I extend my hand to the marvelous authors of this forum. I have read your works and I know that your imagination knows no bounds. Can you help me create a region? I will dedicate the series of fics I intend to use this region for to the gracious people who choose to help me on this audacious task.


    So Im asking you once again Bulbagarden - can you help me?



    http://bmgf.bulbagarden.net/f512/new-region-help-95004/

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