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  1. #16
    J'ai Envie De Toi AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: uA's "Different Eyes" (May 08: Ch4)

    Good stuff! I figured I'd try a combination of my two different review styles-

    Specific Responses:


    General Responses:
    PLOT: You've already introduced the concept quite nicely, which is all that the first chapter really needs to do. Being a sci-fi nerd, I find this stuff fascinating. Many of my doubts and the plot holes I noticed could be baseless given that I'm only one chapter in, so I'll only bring up one. If the pokemorph project is the hybridization of Pokemon and humans, then where's Salem's human side? Do they just change Pokemon to have human features and intelligence, or are they actually combining them with humans? Anyway, this looks interesting and well thought out. I look forward to reading on.

    CHARACTERS: They're decent so far. All two of them. This is only the first chapter, but you still did a decent job of describing Mark, though Salem seems empty. That's the point though, so it's forgivable. You did a good job of conveying her panic and desperation to find something to concentrate on that wouldn't hurt her brain. I also like the trouble you went through to give her animal-like personality traits and challenges in adapting to a human body. Again, you obviously put a lot of thought into this.

    WRITING: Perfection. The only beef that I have is that I enjoy more detailed environmental description, but yours was sufficient and I'm too picky. I couldn't find a single spelling, grammar, or punctuation error, which is always a good sign. I can't judge you on dialogue quite yet, given that Salem wasn't prone to speaking, but what dialogue there was was very well done.

    OVERALL: Well written and interesting. I can't find any real problems yet, but I'll be looking It's a cool concept, regardless of any perceived association with the furry fandom, and I look forward to reading the next chapter.

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  2. #17
    Let's get funky! Gama's Avatar Former Head Administrator
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    Default Re: uA's "Different Eyes" (May 08: Ch4)

    I've heard positive things about this fic, and noticed that it was only four chapters in, so I decided to read it. I have to say, I wasn't disappointed.

    As with most of my reviews, I'll start with the technical side of things. I didn't notice much, but there were two things, both in Chapter 4. One: at one point you don't capitalise the word "I". Two: When (presumably) Proctor splits up the building aggression between Dusk and Pyre, you don't use his name, or even refer to him before he speaks, just saying "he". Since you had just been speaking about Pyre, who is part of the fight, it is pretty confusing. At first glance, I thought Pyre was splitting up the impending fight between himself and Dusk, which didn't make a lot of sense.

    First thing that really comes to my attention in this fic - communication. It's obvious you're very good at looking at how people speak and interact with one another. As Salem is only recently morphed, she interacts in more Pokemon ways than the others do. She tends to use body language that humans and morphs don't interpret as easily. You also capture her struggles with human language really well. It's subtle, but it's definitely there. For example, I noticed that she rarely uses contractions, and it really comes across that this is partly because she is taking great care to pronounce her words with as much precision as possible.

    Dusk, on the other hand, seems quite confident in her speech. She blurts things out quickly and without much thought.

    There's something which I'm not sure is accidental or not with the other characters. I wonder if this issue comes from the fact that you're obviously very well spoken and linguistic yourself. Essentially, the issue is that some of your characters sound uncharacteristically formal. Nathan does sound formal, but it feels fitting. Verity also sounded very formal. I'm not sure whether this was intentional or not. I would've imagined, from her characterisation, that she would speak in a fairly intimate tone, implying a friendliness that perhaps doesn't exist. Similarly, there were points where Pyre seemed oddly formal. For example, at one point I'm sure he says "or some such thing" or something along those lines. Given that he's a former wild Pokemon and seems fairly aggressive, even implicitly seeming to resent the education that Nathan and Salem have received, I wouldn't have expected him to talk that well. Of course, an explanation for this is that they are all developing their human speech together, and are likely to speak in similar ways, so perhaps that explains Pyre's unexpectedly educated sound?

    Two other quick comments - Dusk says both "ass" and "arse" in different chapters. I know you're British, so I guess "arse" is what you'd naturally use. There's nothing necessarily wrong with having her use both interchangeably, as this is something some people do, but I wanted to flag it up in case it wasn't a mistake. Also, she refers to someone called "Pariah", saying he's a decent guy for a potential mentor, in an earlier chapter. Perhaps this isn't a mistake, but I was wondering if perhaps 'Pariah' was an early name for a different character, possibly Nathan?

    Also, I think you've given something away...


    Anyway, enough of that. On to something I think you do really, really well. That's your portrayal of a group dynamic. In a lot of subtle and very effective ways you make it clear that each of the morphs in this group have a different opinion of one another.

    Dusk seems quite volatile and as if she rubs people the wrong way, but ultimately kind. I think she kind of wants someone who she can feel is a real friend to her too, as she seems quite aware that she's not particularly liked within their squad. Perhaps this is why she hangs out with the Hoennese - maybe she has a friend or two among them who gets on with much better.

    Nathan and Pyre seem to get on quite well, although I think Pyre does seem quite aware on some level of a privilege that Salem and Nathan have had that he has been denied. Although Nathan explains that it's unusual for a domestic to learn to read, Pyre's immediate conclusion is just that domestics get the best of everything while wild Pokemon, like him, get all the shit. At the risk of saying something controversial (particularly as I don't know what part of the UK you're from), it's something I've noticed within the North/South divide since I've been at uni, particularly with regards to London. My Northern friends, when discussing the privilege of someone else, or their superior background, are quick to attribute someone's "Southernness" as just a broad reason for why they act in a certain way that suggests they're used to having money or other certain privileges, even though talking to them, I (Southern) can say that I've had no such similar privilege and that actually people of all classes, wealth etc. exist in the South just as they do in the North. Anyway, rambling point over, that seems to be akin to Pyre's attitude to domestic/trained pokemon.

    Verity is particularly interesting. I'm guessing she's quite two faced. Everyone seems to hate her more than anyone else. I'll have to read on to see more from her as the story progresses.

    I also really liked how their pasts have affected them in ways other than that. The battle between Pyre and Nathan was particularly interesting not because the battle itself was action packed (it was entertaining, but not incredibly exciting) but because of the insight it gave into the different ways their pasts have affected them. The idea that Pyre's style differs from Nathan's so much because Pyre was a wild Pokemon and Nathan was a League challenger is really interesting. The difference between Kanto and Johto typical styles is also great.

    Also, I was wondering based on something an earlier commenter said. How do you think a pokemorph would feel about a non-morphed pokemon of their own species being served as meat? On the one hand, I think they have a distinct memory of their time in that form, and therefore might object to it on some level, but on the other hand, Nathan and Pyre's strong objections to being treated like pets suggests that they see themselves as quite distinct from their non-morphed cousins.

    Anyway, this is a great fic, you're a stunning writer. Keep it up, I look forward to reading more.

  3. #18
    Clarion of Revelations Feliciano's Avatar Social Media Editor
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    Default Re: uA's "Different Eyes" (May 08: Ch4)

    Another really good chapter. I just found one thing, though. In this sentence:

    Quote Originally Posted by unrepentantAuthor
    Nathan calmly walked past the sneasel, brushing her effortlessly aside, and Pyre followed suite, not deigning to look her way.
    I think you meant "followed suit," not "followed suite."

    I kind of agree with Tsutarja: Dusk hasn't exactly been unlikable up until this point, but there has definitely seemed to be some sort of motive for her treating Salem the way she does, especially pushing her into training like she did. I still get that kind of vibe from her, but it's lessened a lot in this chapter.

    I was glad to finally meet Pyre, though that may be my own bias towards fire types (and Quilava in general, and on a personal level it's really interesting how much he contrasts with Teddy from my fic). He seems like a really fun character, and injects some (in my opinion) much-needed energy into the group. Nathan, Verity, and Salem all seem very quiet and reserved, and while Dusk is sharp, she comes off as quite calculating, which allows her to mesh more easily with the other three. Pyre's personality, while seeming to draw more than a little on stereotypes of his type (fire types being easily angered, proud, and eager to fight), does have enough counteracting elements (regarding his relative friendliness towards Salem and willingness to listen to her impression of him, as well as his friendship with the bookish, quiet Nathan) that it doesn't feel too stereotypical.

    I did want to say something about Salem's impressions, though. They seem a bit...exposition-y, in a way. While you do do an excellent job with describing the body language and mannerisms of those around her, having Salem list her observances about them upon meeting them feels like a quick and easy way to give an info dump about the character we're meeting, as well as set up possible future character arcs for them. I'm not saying that they're bad, and they certainly seem in-character for Salem, but something about them feels like a character bio you'd throw up when signing up for an RP; a quick, easily accessible list of character traits that you can start with and build from there without taking up time in the story.

    I've gotta say, I'm really excited to meet Haze, though I agree with GaMa's observance about your signature possibly spoiling his evolution. The shipper in me already hopes that he and Salem would make an adorable couple (or at least Dusk would constantly tease them about it), but given that we know nothing about him, I have to squash that idea for now. That made me curious, though - are morphs who would originally evolve by use of a stone still be affected by one? As for happiness-based evolutions, who's happiness is it based off of? I would guess their own, especially since they obviously don't have trainers anymore.

    I'm also very curious about this Hoenn team that keeps coming up (jeez, this isn't so much a review as a list of things that made me curious or excited...still, I suppose that says a lot on it's own). Dusk mentioning that she was going to hang out with them struck me as a little odd; I don't believe we've seen any instance thus far of morphs interacting with other morphs that aren't on their team, and I remember something being mentioned about the Hoenn team being a little more aggressive than usual. I get the feeling they're going to become important later on, but for now I really can't put my finger on it.

    Already waiting for the next one - this is a really intriguing fic, and you've done an amazing job with it so far.
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  4. #19
    Wordsmith unrepentantAuthor's Avatar
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    Default Re: uA's "Different Eyes" (May 08: Ch4)

    Firstly, I'd like to say that this succession of reviews has left me stunned with gratitude and pride. Thank you everyone for turning my dearth of confidence into an abundance.

    Quote Originally Posted by AetherX View Post
    [Nurse Proctor is] a convenient name.
    [The Syndicate is] not sinister or anything. The good guys are always called teams, leagues, or orders. I have yet to hear of a well intentioned, do-good syndicate.
    Nodded vaguely? You're not going to, I don't know... ask what the hell they're "training" you to do? Naive characters are frustrating (but not bad).
    That's convenient, why WOULDN'T he read her file? It only seems to make sense. Yeah, yeah, I know, suspense, whatever.
    Do you know, naming him 'proctor' was totally accidental? It was simply the first thing that came to mind.
    The Syndicate is a subversion. I intend to make them as sympathetic as possible. (I note you say good guys are called 'teams' even though the convention for pokémon villains is 'team x'~)
    Salem isn't naive so much as she is in shock. She's a quiet personality at the best of times and has enough to come to terms with as it is.
    He didn't read the file because he's actually completely hopeless. This becomes important later.

    Quote Originally Posted by AetherX View Post
    Many of my doubts and the plot holes I noticed could be baseless given that I'm only one chapter in, so I'll only bring up one. If the pokemorph project is the hybridization of Pokemon and humans, then where's Salem's human side? Do they just change Pokemon to have human features and intelligence, or are they actually combining them with humans?
    Well, if you still see plot holes a couple chapters in, I'd really like to know. I've had trouble with those, you see.
    The nature of being a morph is explored over a series of chapters. It's a fic-wide issue.

    Quote Originally Posted by AetherX View Post
    CHARACTERS: They're decent so far. All two of them. This is only the first chapter, but you still did a decent job of describing Mark, though Salem seems empty. That's the point though, so it's forgivable. You did a good job of conveying her panic and desperation to find something to concentrate on that wouldn't hurt her brain.
    WRITING: Perfection. The only beef that I have is that I enjoy more detailed environmental description, but yours was sufficient and I'm too picky. I couldn't find a single spelling, grammar, or punctuation error, which is always a good sign. I can't judge you on dialogue quite yet, given that Salem wasn't prone to speaking, but what dialogue there was was very well done.
    It's true that the first chapter lacks interaction beyond the somewhat one-sided discourse between Salem and Mark. I'm not sure if I can rectify that, but I'm sure it's worth a shot. As for environmental description - I'll make a mental note not to disregard it so much. I think it's one of my weak points, actually, thanks for bring my attention to it.

    Thank you very much for your various notes of praise, they are much appreciated. It is always a delight to hear what I've succeeded in, despite my embarrassment at having my prose referred to as 'perfection'. I assure you, if I was capable of it, I would be flushing. As it stands, I am merely flailing wildly. Be proud of this effect you have induced in me!

    Quote Originally Posted by Gastly's Mama View Post
    I've heard positive things about this fic, and noticed that it was only four chapters in, so I decided to read it. I have to say, I wasn't disappointed.
    Given that this is a rather lengthy review from a prestigious mod, I spent fully half an hour flailing before daring to read this, I’ll have you know. It’s all very overwhelming, to believe oneself mediocre and then hear that an individual such as yourself has heard positive things about one’s work… nevertheless, I am honoured.

    Quote Originally Posted by Gastly's Mama View Post
    I didn't notice much, but there were two things, both in Chapter 4. One: at one point you don't capitalise the word "I". Two: When (presumably) Proctor splits up the building aggression between Dusk and Pyre, you don't use his name, or even refer to him before he speaks, just saying "he". Since you had just been speaking about Pyre, who is part of the fight, it is pretty confusing.
    The non-capitalisation of the “I” was intentional, if you’re referring to the italicised segment. It’s a stylistic choice to impress upon the reader that it’s a fragment of her memory from the morphing process itself. The person who breaks up the fight is Nathan, and I’m not sure how to make that more explicit than it already is. I’ll make a note for when I make the second revision of the chapter, though.

    Quote Originally Posted by Gastly's Mama View Post
    First thing that really comes to my attention in this fic - communication. It's obvious you're very good at looking at how people speak and interact with one another. […] It's subtle, but it's definitely there. For example, I noticed that she rarely uses contractions, and it really comes across that this is partly because she is taking great care to pronounce her words with as much precision as possible.
    I’m so glad it’s not so subtle that it isn’t noticed. The contractions are something at least one reader has criticised me for, and I was concerned that it wasn’t showing Salem’s unfamiliarity with speech adequately.

    Quote Originally Posted by Gastly's Mama View Post
    There's something which I'm not sure is accidental or not with the other characters. I wonder if this issue comes from the fact that you're obviously very well spoken and linguistic yourself. Essentially, the issue is that some of your characters sound uncharacteristically formal.
    You’re right to think the characters are too formal and well-spoken. I am a prime example of sesquipedalian loquaciousness myself, and unless I constantly keep myself in check, I inevitably write my characters as if they were all ardent fans of classical literature. I’ll try to correct that. However, it is also true that the group’s speech patterns will coalesce, hence Pyre’s use of ‘some such thing,’ a phrase likely borrowed from Nathan’s idiolect. (It wasn’t intentional, it was just a subconscious result of writing them as good friends from the start.)

    Quote Originally Posted by Gastly's Mama View Post
    Two other quick comments - Dusk says both "ass" and "arse" in different chapters. […] Also, she refers to someone called "Pariah", saying he's a decent guy for a potential mentor, in an earlier chapter. Perhaps this isn't a mistake, but I was wondering if perhaps 'Pariah' was an early name for a different character, possibly Nathan?
    I’ll homogenise the references to buttocks.
    Pariah was indeed a working name for Nathan and I’m filled with chagrin that I didn’t fix that example. It’s not even a good name, augh.

    Quote Originally Posted by Gastly's Mama View Post
    Also, I think you've given something away...
    Your powers of deduction would impress Holmes himself. ;D
    It’s a deliberate teaser: I chose to have an espeon rather than eevee eye when discussing the banner with my illustrator.

    Quote Originally Posted by Gastly's Mama View Post
    Anyway, enough of that. On to something I think you do really, really well. That's your portrayal of a group dynamic. In a lot of subtle and very effective ways you make it clear that each of the morphs in this group have a different opinion of one another. […] I think Pyre does seem quite aware on some level of a privilege that Salem and Nathan have had that he has been denied. Although Nathan explains that it's unusual for a domestic to learn to read, Pyre's immediate conclusion is just that domestics get the best of everything while wild Pokemon, like him, get all the shit. […] Verity is particularly interesting. I'm guessing she's quite two faced. Everyone seems to hate her more than anyone else. I'll have to read on to see more from her as the story progresses.
    Thank you very much! One of the things which I regard as most important is the depth of the characters, and the presentation of ambiguity to the reader. Your impressions of the characters are more or less what I intended to get across, too, so there’s been some success there.

    I’m actually from the southwest of England and my family is moderately affluent, however, I am intensely aware of my own enormous social privilege. This is not unlikely to have ended up subconsciously affecting Pyre’s reaction to Salem’s casual assumption that everyone is as bookish as her. However, his resentfulness isn’t so much an envy of human-owned pokémon as it is a reflection of his own particularly gruelling life. Now that you’ve brought attention to it, I think I could do more with that, though, thanks for touching upon it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Gastly's Mama View Post
    I also really liked how their pasts have affected them in ways other than that. The battle between Pyre and Nathan was particularly interesting not because the battle itself was action packed (it was entertaining, but not incredibly exciting) but because of the insight it gave into the different ways their pasts have affected them. The idea that Pyre's style differs from Nathan's so much because Pyre was a wild Pokemon and Nathan was a League challenger is really interesting. The difference between Kanto and Johto typical styles is also great.
    The way I see it, there are a million battle scenes in existence, and since I can’t hope to easily outdo those of others, then interesting auxiliary aspects are a better way of drawing reader interest. It seems the style difference is quite popular!

    Quote Originally Posted by Gastly's Mama View Post
    Also, I was wondering based on something an earlier commenter said. How do you think a pokemorph would feel about a non-morphed pokemon of their own species being served as meat? On the one hand, I think they have a distinct memory of their time in that form, and therefore might object to it on some level, but on the other hand, Nathan and Pyre's strong objections to being treated like pets suggests that they see themselves as quite distinct from their non-morphed cousins.
    This is something I’ll inevitably bring up in the fic itself, but what I’m currently working with is the notion that not all pokémon are equally sentient. So far the food has been fish, fowl and insect for that very reason. That, and a ‘circle of life’-esque view of things retained by the morphs: they have no moral hangups about eating others. This is where the divide between humans and morphs begins to show, you see.

    Quote Originally Posted by Gastly's Mama View Post
    Anyway, this is a great fic, you're a stunning writer. Keep it up, I look forward to reading more.
    *bows* Your praise is greater than I deserve. (I’m not complaining – it’s made me really want to write for the first time in a couple weeks.) =D

    Quote Originally Posted by Feliciano View Post
    I think you meant "followed suit," not "followed suite."
    Thanks for the catch.

    Quote Originally Posted by Feliciano View Post
    I kind of agree with Tsutarja: Dusk hasn't exactly been unlikable up until this point, but there has definitely seemed to be some sort of motive for her treating Salem the way she does, especially pushing her into training like she did. I still get that kind of vibe from her, but it's lessened a lot in this chapter.
    Hmm. What I was trying to go for is that she may be boisterous and cutting, but is genuinely well-meaning towards Salem. Hopefully she’ll be more sympathetic by the time you get to her apology in the fourth chapter.

    Quote Originally Posted by Feliciano View Post
    [Pyre] seems like a really fun character, and injects some much-needed energy into the group. Nathan, Verity, and Salem all seem very quiet and reserved, and while Dusk is sharp, she comes off as quite calculating, which allows her to mesh more easily with the other three. Pyre's personality, while seeming to draw more than a little on stereotypes of his type (fire types being easily angered, proud, and eager to fight), does have enough counteracting elements (regarding his relative friendliness towards Salem and willingness to listen to her impression of him, as well as his friendship with the bookish, quiet Nathan) that it doesn't feel too stereotypical.
    Part of Pyre’s character is directly drawn from a desire to subvert stereotypes. Pyre can be volatile, but it’s not simply a case of “fire = aggression,” but a troubled history. The stereotype may be something I could discuss in-fic, even. (Seconding the love for quilava~)

    Quote Originally Posted by Feliciano View Post
    I did want to say something about Salem's impressions, though. They seem a bit...exposition-y, in a way.
    They do, a little. Is there any way I could lessen that feeling, do you think?

    Quote Originally Posted by Feliciano View Post
    The shipper in me already hopes that [Haze] and Salem would make an adorable couple. That made me curious, though - are morphs who would originally evolve by use of a stone still be affected by one? As for happiness-based evolutions, who's happiness is it based off of? I would guess their own, especially since they obviously don't have trainers anymore.
    Haze/Salem is a perfectly valid ship, actually, though I doubt I’ll make anything canon for a long while, if at all. I prefer to tease my readers by having the entire cast be as shippable as possible. ;D

    Happiness evolution has been expanded into a more general trigger based on emotional maturity in this canon. More on that later. Stones work as before.

    Quote Originally Posted by Feliciano View Post
    I'm also very curious about this Hoenn team that keeps coming up (jeez, this isn't so much a review as a list of things that made me curious or excited...still, I suppose that says a lot on it's own). Dusk mentioning that she was going to hang out with them struck me as a little odd; I don't believe we've seen any instance thus far of morphs interacting with other morphs that aren't on their team, and I remember something being mentioned about the Hoenn team being a little more aggressive than usual. I get the feeling they're going to become important later on, but for now I really can't put my finger on it.
    This list of things you’re excited about is still useful, and definitely uplifting! The Hoenn team are indeed significant, and you’ll see more of them soon. I thought Dusk said somewhere in an early chapter that she wanted to emulate them due to their competence? The implication being that she admires them.

    Quote Originally Posted by Feliciano View Post
    Already waiting for the next one - this is a really intriguing fic, and you've done an amazing job with it so far.
    Thank you so very much for your kind words, Feli~ I feel spurred to write as fast as I am capable!

    Thanks again to all three of you. These reviews are of immeasurable worth to me.

    Chapter Five is due for the end of next week.

  5. #20
    J'ai Envie De Toi AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: uA's "Different Eyes"

    Review for Chapter 2:

    I had a lot more comments to make this time.


    PLOT: Still no real plot quite yet, but that's okay. You're setting it up, and I can see that the characters are going to be the most important part of the fic. Given that I read a lot of scifi, I find myself wondering more than anything about the motivations and machinations of the Syndicate, as well as their means. Dusk seems to be the connection to knowing the basics of what's going on, but since Salem is too busy angst-ing, she isn't really asking any questions. The complex looks pretty cool, I look forward to getting closer looks at its different bits in upcoming chapters. Hopefully in the future Salem will encounter some morphs of more... interesting Pokemon, particularly ghost-types (although I have nothing against your current selection).

    CHARACTERS: Dusk was obviously the focal point of this chapter, and I can guess that she will be important as the mentor character (unless someone more personable comes along). I hope not everyone is quite so... intense. It was Salem, though, that got a lot of insight. Like I pointed out before, I liked the introduction of this chapter. Salem's psych is obviously a little damaged in one way or another. She's a deep character, and I'm sure future chapters will pick away at her background and insecurities one by one.

    WRITING: Dialogue took the forefront a bit more in this chapter, so I got to see what you could really do. I liked how Salem didn't use contractions, it shows her unfamiliarity with human speech. The dialogue fit the characters where appropriate, which is a good sign. Your ability to slip in a bit of humor here and there, be it through the mouths of the characters or your descriptions, was a welcome relief. Too often is humor shunted aside in favor of a "serious" feel. This is a serious fic, but the humor doesn't detract. Given how rarely it's pulled of without feeling forced or cheesy goes to show your quality as a writer. Your level of description was suitable, but again a little less than my taste here and there. Still didn't catch any grammar or spelling errors.

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  6. #21
    The Dimension Wizard Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: uA's "Different Eyes" (May 08: Ch4)

    I finally caught up and I honestly feel bad cause I probably won't be able to give that good of a review :( but I'll try my best so bear with me.

    Technical: Your grammar is perfect, there might've been some rough patches back in the first chapter but it was overall great, 100 percent. Your pacing is pretty good too, it's not too quick and at the same time not too slow and the wayyou introduce your characters is pretty good and doesn't seem rushed at all either.

    While your description could use some improvement at times it is really well done, when you describes surroundings or appearances I can easily imagine how it looks like, this is because you don't shower us with description but rather give us the key details and let our minds wander; which is a good thing if it's done right, and trust me it was done right in this story.

    I shouldn't really comment on your wording xD cause that's where I fall low myself but you, you're really good, I know you like hard words as well as different kinds of words, the good thing is that you were able to use words that could get their point across and that people could understand without repeating them too much.


    Plot: I remember Thabet mentioning that it was a furry fic xD and honestly when I first heard that it used Pokemorphs I was like "oh god," and you did follow the usual morph genre cliche of giving them nice bodies and all that.

    But, and this goes to anyone that judged this story based on that, you came out of that mold completely as soon as the second chapter, your idea on how Pokemon become morphs is way more original and logical than that of those stories people think it would be, a plot of Pokemorphs teaming up and going on missions, even if we're still gathering the group you can tell that it's going to be great.

    I also like how you mix the Pokemorphs own past into this, it isn't just an add on plotline but more that their past and their reasons for being there is also a large part of the plot, it's not just action or fighting or mystery but it also has drama and emotion mixed into it as well.

    Characters:Your characters are pretty good, they each have a different and unique personality that differentiates them from the others. Salem is a fish out of water with a hidden past that she doesn't even know

    I actually like Dusk xD she seems like a really quirky yet mysterioius character, mostly cause she thinks she's the best of the best and doesn't realize how much people actually dislike her. I don't have much to say about Nathan or Pyre just yet, except that I like the difference between their characters, and I like how Verity is a serious yet knowledgeble character.

    But like I said they're all unique and different in their own way and they all have their own problems and flaws. That's another thing, I like how Salem is able to point out other's characteristics while just getting to know them xD I thought it was a pretty good thing to add.

    Honestly, I wish I could give you a better review :( I know my review isn't as good in comparison to Gama's and Feli's but I want you to know three things. I really liked this, I'm sorry for not catching up earlier, and that I'll keep on reading it :) good work and good luck and you definitily deserve the award of best dark fic, even though it's not that dark xD guess I made a mistake when I nominated it...sorry.

    I usually don't give ratings, but I'll make an exception for you.

    Overall Rating: 93%

  7. #22
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    Default Re: uA's "Different Eyes" (May 08: Ch4)

    Heyyy, looks like I've finally remembered that reviewing this is a thing I should do! (and, as per usual, completely forgotton everything I said during betaing)

    Irrelevant to this specific chapter but important to the story as a whole is that you need to start stepping up the pace. I know it's supposed to be character-centric, but you still need something in there other than character interaction. I'd say introduce Haze within a couple of chapters, then have Plot strike shortly after that.

    OK, I am pretty certain I bitched about 'smiled evenly' when I beta'd (or was it 'smiled coolly'? or even 'smirked'? WHATEVER, I CAN'T REMEMBER). When you say 'Dusk smiled evenly' the implication I get is that Dusk is remaining outwardly calm despite the fact that the scientist is pissing her off for some reason. Add 'smiling evenly' to the list of things which should only be done by dick characters unless there's a good reason for it.

    Hmm, actually wondering about the advisability of attempting the Change on malnutritoned strays. It's possible that I'm completely wrong about this because I don't know how to surgery, but I think most operations are quite dangerous procedures and also that most people who die from them are the ones who don't have decent energy reserves? I kinda wanna see a behind-the-scenes thing now, all these scientists panicking about the poor malnutritioned eevee and putting him on a diet designed to get him up to something approaching a proper weight and then they have to mix up a special nutrient broth to put in his feeding tubes during the Change because he'd end up dying if they just used the normal broth. OR SOMETHING I guess I just really love behind-the-scenes things.

    OK, so if the Change is based on evolution... hmm, that's actually quite interesting! It works for seviper and zangoose who have no ability to evolve at all, so... are we saying that all pokemon have the ability to evolve and it's just that sometimes the correct trigger for their evolution can't be found in normal existence? Would it be possible, for instance, for a blastoise to evolve again with a laboratory-generated stimulus? oh my god so much gorgeous potential for mad science and abominations against nature yes good.

    Anyway I really like the fact that you've explained and justified the whole tubes-of-liquid thing instead of just going 'hey it's a common sci-fi trope I don't really need to explain it or anything'.

    'he was likely to be several inches shorter than her, which she found amusing' yes Salem it's hilarious that this poor borderline-starved eevee will be forever stunted because of his life full of malnutrition. Don't be a dick.

    Dusk is also a dick stop being a dick Dusk.

    Still don't like 'spiked stare' because what actually is this. I know what you were intending to portray with it, but I don't like it, it could be worded better. And IIRC (too lazy to check right now), there was never anything about Pyre being angry or scary or whatever, so those shouldn't be attributes she should associate with him yet. (I just checked, I was right, and also in chapter two you've still got 'Pariah' where you should have 'Nathan')

    'Dusk stared back evenly at him.' yes good see THIS is where you should use 'evenly' to describe things. They're sniping at each other, but she's choosing to be calm rather than aggravated, and it comes across as reasonable for the situation instead of wow Dusk is a dick what did that scientist say to piss her off so bad? which is not what you want.

    I know other reviewers have objected to Salem's magic character exposition powers, but they don't really bother me? I'm pretty sure this is at least 80% because I already know all of the characters so I'm not feeling cheated out of learning about them.

    Good Team Evil, best evil team. I know I've said this several times before, but I just love how much they're trying to make the morphs happy and comfortable and not being dicks about it even in the slightest.

    'drily' sounds like she's saying it sarcastically or otherwise insincerely, and that comes off as dickish. Salem, there's no reason to be a dick about this, it really is a good thing that Team Evil are being so nice and trying so hard to make everyone happy.

    Also some people just prefer movies to books, there doesn't need to be some big inquisition about it. Hell, you know that Pyre can't always control his fire, maybe he's been banned from the library until he's less likely to accidentally burn all the books! (and joining everybody else in hoping that Salem's thoughtless privilage causes some conflict between her and Pyre)

    This is also the correct use of 'coolly'. Well done Nathan for calling Salem out on her privilage.

    Everyone's been talking about how awesome the differences in fighting style are, so I thought I'd add my voice to theirs. I also like Dusk's comment about morphs being in the best position to develop their skills: it's a nice suggestion that morphing is has general benefits and isn't just a body-dysmorphic-disorder thing.

    Salem, it's pretty obvious that you'd be uncomfortable with the fact that your teammates spend 90% of their time bickering like immature brats, it's something most people would experience rather than something specific to you which Dusk has somehow managed to magically divine. I thought you were supposed to be perceptive! It shouldn't amaze you that other people occasionally show flashes of insight.

    All in all, I liked the things which were explained in this chapter, but Salem kept acting like a thoughtless dick. Don't be a dick, Salem!
    I have an art thread!

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