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  1. #1
    welcome to my world Nour386's Avatar
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    Lightbulb A twist to the regular story

    HI I am still kind of new so this is my first attempt at a story that I thought up. If you would like to suggest anything plz post it and I will consider. It is mainly a mix between the dream world in B/W games but in stead lead to.. Wait I'm not ruining the plot.
    And just so you know I WILL return a previous character.
    So here goes:

    Chapter 1: A strange wake up.

    As the Sun rose of the horizon Ash ketchum began to awaken. Okay to be more precise It was 11:00 am and Cilian and Iris where ready to get going but Ash was still asleep. So pikachu took the honers of waking him up... With thunder. "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" He screamed.
    "Thanks Pikachu. What time is it again?" "It's 11.05 just so you know kiddy and where all set to move except you!" screamed iris in his face creeping him out. "uhh iris maybe you should be a tad gentler on him I mean he only just finished a gym battle that took almost all of yesterday" Said Cilan in a nervous voice obviously scared of iris' rath *cough*axew'sdragonrage*cough*After about 5 minutes of Ash rushing to get dressed and eat breakfast, they were off. Little be known to them (per-usual) that someone was watching them. Dun Dun DUN!(screen slowly fades to a black)
    As the group trekked of what were left of the few daylight hours no thanks to SOMEONE. after a while They decided to get ready for lunch in which Iris forced ash to go look for fire wood alone in a nearby forest alone where any wild pokemon could attack him. not that this bothered iris. Pikachu And the rest of Ash s pokemon had to help with getting the food. So Ash set off into the foreboding forest which he realized was mearly a large clearing surrounded by several
    tall trees that were connected at the top, many other trees were growing in the middle of this clearing. Ash began to look for some broken branchs on the grass, when ( you notice that not much action happens but a lot of description ?) a group of wild Galvantula began to attack the defenseless ash, or was he. just as they where going to lunge at him and begin to consume him a strange, thin blue shield surrounded ash. He recognized it to be like the ones Riley from iron Island to use. this stopped the Galvantula in there tracks and they began to back off. some nearby bushes began to rustle but nothing came out. So our completely creeped out hero grabbed some wood and ran like hell.(scene end) fades into black.



    Sorry for it being so short it's really embarrassing if my parents find out
    tell me what you think and try to be as positive as usual

    ( I am soooooo going to regret saying that)
    Last edited by Nour386; 22nd April 2011 at 09:13 PM.

  2. #2
    welcome to my world Nour386's Avatar
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    Default Re: A twist to the regular story

    chapter two/2/too/to? : Quick and easy.

    Ash ran as fast as his black trousered legs could him. When he tried to tell iris and cilian about the incident iris told him " Stop being such a child and imagining things all the time." cilian for once agreed. This really struck Ash as this was the first time anyone of his friends had disbelieved him. well this would be expected as probably noone in unvoa knows about aura. which if none of you watch the anime can go watch the eighth movie because i'm not explaining the aura concept.So back to the story! Let's where were we? hmmmmmmmm..... aha! ash wakes uuuu. no wait fast forward >> here we are ash dies, whoops wrong again, went to the alternate ending. there we go. Ash surprised and decided to explain aura to them. to which iris in her grumpy mood seemed o think as a lie for him to get away with, which she gives him a scolding. Cilian on the other hand believes him. the three go to their sleeping bags meanwhile a rustle in the bushes nearby brings the camera to it.



    In the bushes some PLASMA grunts giggle to each other at their latest discovery. "That brat was exactly what the boss wants as his test subject." and those white suited rocketeirs simply gave us their binoculars."











    scene fades to black.
    TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK plz

  3. #3
    is obsessed with Noivern! Zekurom's Avatar
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    Default Re: A twist to the regular story

    "As positive as usual", you say?

    Well, being the critical person I am when reviewing fanfics, that may not be as positive as you want it to be... >_>

    So what is the twist here, really? From what I gather, it's just the fact that Ash somehow gains aura powers. In which case, you should probably update the title accordingly, instead of just saying "a twist to the regular story".

    The fourth wall breaking was okay (e.g. the fast-forwarding to Ash's death and back again), but it might get lost on a few people.

    Also, you're going to want to space out your paragraphs. Right now, I can barely tell what's happening because everything happens so suddenly. While that sometimes is a stylistic choice, in cases like this it's probably because you haven't included enough details about what really is going on.

    That's it for now, come back for more later.
    The word "quadragonal" is the only word with "dragon" in it where "dragon" is not a root word. That makes it awesome.

  4. #4
    welcome to my world Nour386's Avatar
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    Default Re: A twist to the regular story

    yeah i think i have to be more careful i really suck at stroies so i'm trying to add some humour to it and, also the TWist isn't actually supposed to be rev iled in the very begining

    EDIT: and that was a typo it was supposed to be as positive as possible
    Last edited by Nour386; 29th April 2011 at 12:50 AM.

  5. #5
    welcome to my world Nour386's Avatar
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    Default Re: A twist to the regular story

    101views wooooooooow i'll make another entry!

    the plasma grunts received a transmission from N. he was telling them to obey the orders of the fellow agent.

    back to our gang/ threesome/ club/ friends/ associates/ etc. they had found a natural hot spring and decided to enjoy it. after sending out all of their pokemon , although exadrill stayed well you know how he is. anyway while they were enjoying themselves a boulder from the cliff above them was slowly falling iris noticed this and warned everyone, but was a fraction of a second too late. the boulder fell and some how *cough*all of ash and cilan's pokemons attacks*cough* missed them and shattered into several pieces. behind the ex-boulder's ex- standing point there were three shadowy figures of EQUAL hieght.
    (scene fades to black)

  6. #6
    welcome to my world Nour386's Avatar
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    Default Re: A twist to the regular story

    okay no more bludges

    As the dream team began to pack up Team rocket literary burst in. Seriously there was a large tear in the sky, not that this bothered TR. After doing a motto, they said "twerps grab on!" "why?" "Because this is all fake! It's nothing more than some kind of simulator to make you think this is real." This explained a lot why there where less pokemon but " why did you drop the boulder on Ash?" "That wasn't us it was them!" pointed TR And from the darkness emerged four shadowy figures, three plasma grunts and Iris!

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    is obsessed with Noivern! Zekurom's Avatar
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    Default Re: A twist to the regular story

    Your chapters are getting shorter and shorter...
    The word "quadragonal" is the only word with "dragon" in it where "dragon" is not a root word. That makes it awesome.

  8. #8
    welcome to my world Nour386's Avatar
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    Default Re: A twist to the regular story

    sorry about that typing in secret and my parents are always on my tail so i send what ever before they discover and it's looks longer in the quickreply bar!

    New entry!

    As the four shadowy figure emerged three were regular grunts and the other was Iris!
    This left Ash and Cilan Flabbergasted as the three grunts pulled out a funny looking gun that shot a funny looking bullet that whizzed past the twosome and hit a tree. the bullet then ripped a hole in.... well really I don't know what it ripped a hole in it probably led to the dream world but.. the bullet was half blue and pink meaning dialga and palkia but you can use whats left your working creativity and just guess. Any way as the giant wormhole appeared it started to suck cilan, ash and tr. It didn't affect the plasma grunts iris, (apparently they were nailed to the floor)
    As TR prepares to help the two...

    (scene fades to black)


    OOOOOOOOkay now viewers choice!


    Should ash and cilan accept tr help or ignore it as if it is a trap.
    or if the latter is chosen should ash sacrifce himself to save cilan because from the litwik episode we can tell he is a butter fingers?

  9. #9
    welcome to my world Nour386's Avatar
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    Default Re: A twist to the regular story

    oh and for the fun of it WOULD ANYONE WHO ENJOYS THE STORY PLEASE POST Oh and Sazand*ra do YOU enjoy the story?

  10. #10
    is obsessed with Noivern! Zekurom's Avatar
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    Default Re: A twist to the regular story

    Quote Originally Posted by Nour386 View Post
    sorry about that typing in secret and my parents are always on my tail so i send what ever before they discover and it's looks longer in the quickreply bar!
    Hm... are your parents against you typing up this fanfiction or something?
    The word "quadragonal" is the only word with "dragon" in it where "dragon" is not a root word. That makes it awesome.

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    i am guro an illegible mess.'s Avatar
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    Default Re: A twist to the regular story

    Wat. I'm confused... This... No... Now Ash seems more like a gary-stu now that he has aura powers :P

    You really need to work on grammar, and the pacing in the story. Everything's going waaaay too fast. And the chapters are short. And there's no spacing in between paragraphs. Plus that whole *fades to black* thing is... Getting on my nerves. It's more like a script than a story when you do that.

    I hope I didn't offend you any, this is your first time and practice makes perfect.

  12. #12
    welcome to my world Nour386's Avatar
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    Default Re: A twist to the regular story

    NO They just don't know about it and i think they'd call it waste of time. and no you didn't offend me but quite the opposite (scene fades to black) is supposed to be light humour itt isn't supposed to piss people off but if you insist... NO! that is the story's catch phrase so deal. p.s. It pisses you off how? p.s.s. how am i supposed to pace the story? im only 14, p.s.s.s no one complained when ttgl did it

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    Rocking the Lucario Thundagere's Avatar
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    Default Re: A twist to the regular story

    Quote Originally Posted by Nour386 View Post
    NO They just don't know about it and i think they'd call it waste of time. and no you didn't offend me but quite the opposite (scene fades to black) is supposed to be light humour itt isn't supposed to piss people off but if you insist... NO! that is the story's catch phrase so deal. p.s. It pisses you off how? p.s.s. how am i supposed to pace the story? im only 14, p.s.s.s no one complained when ttgl did it
    Well, you can write a good fanfic no matter what age you are, really.
    I'm not going to repeat what's already been said, but consider this. He's already been spotted by Plasma, and is rushing all over the place. You need there to be time for character development, before the evil villains start their plan.
    And here's the other thing; you're not using OCs. Consequently, you have to develop these characters in a different way. I haven't seen that many good fics using anime characters; maybe 2 (Rival's Story was about a Video game character, it's different). You'll have to do an exceptional job to make a good fanfic. For this, I'd encourage you to, rather than shoot off 3 sentence chapters, type it all up on one word document, work on the spacing, make as many editions as possible, then post it here.

    Made by Blue Dragon!

  14. #14
    welcome to my world Nour386's Avatar
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    Default Re: A twist to the regular story

    brilliant idea will take ur advice and use it from now on!

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    User #50,000 Mr Metagross's Avatar
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    Default Re: A twist to the regular story

    Well, you can write a good fanfic no matter what age you are, really.
    I second this. I know a lot of TWELVE year-olds who are so much better at writing than me. I also echo what everyone has said: practice really does make perfect. Looking a particularly bulky essay I did last year (I mean BULKY bulky; 205 pages) and comparing it with my current fanfic, I can see a huge difference in quality.
    If you're struggling, something that every author, literature agent or writing editor has told me is to read. I mean, seriously, if you don't read enough books you're missing a huge part of writing. It doesn't have to be a chore or a tedious job, just a casual pace and a book you like (it could be two pages a week casual, two pages a day casual or three chapters a day casual). That's my only advice, besides make your chapters longer. I don't see why your parents should stop you from WRITING, which is a large part of the curriculum.
    Look, I make music! Yay!

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