True Evil Never Sleeps (or, Nekusagi attempts to write comedy)

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    Badass office lady Nekusagi's Avatar
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    Default True Evil Never Sleeps (or, Nekusagi attempts to write comedy)

    'kay.. I was bored one night. I was in the mood to write a parody of my Giovanni fics (which are all dark and along the lines of "I am evil, therefore life sucks). I came up with this. Enjoy.
    **************************************

    True Evil Never Sleeps

    The paperwork never seemed to cease. Here it was, one in the morning, and it seemed that all Giovanni could see in his near future were more piles of forms. Yes, it was that time of the year that Lance sent out his biannual barrage of charts and the like to keep tabs on the Gym Leaders. It was a small sacrifice- a night without sleep in exchange for another six months or so of blissful ignorance on behalf of the Pokemon League, but one he could do without.
    "More damn forms. It had to be more damn forms"
    To say that he'd lost his marbles was a bit of a misstatement. At this point, he was on his last eight prized steelies, and the world was playing for keeps.
    Hey, you're the one who decided to put things off, brilliant.
    "Shutupshutupshutupshutup"
    Yes, just ignore the plain truth. You keep on procrastinating...
    Giovanni didn't know if the voice in his head was his conscience or his subconcious. Either way, he wished it would just shut the hell up.
    There was no way he could get through this night on just coffee and the deep urge for self preservation. He reached for the phone for the one other thing that would be his key to keeping his sanity intact.
    A familiar, comforting voice on the other end responded.
    "God, is that you again, Giovanni?''
    "Who do you think?" he responded. It was waaay too late for this crap.
    "Let me guess.. the usual, right?"
    "You ought to know what I like by now."
    "Okay then, two large pepperonis, extra cheese."
    He grumbled something unintelligible under his breath in assent.
    "You know, if it wasn't for you, the only action we'd get this hour of the night would be from the potheads and conspiracy freaks."
    "Really now?"
    "Yeah."
    "Look, just get the pizzas here."
    "Consider it done. Just want to thank you on behalf of the rest of the Viridian Pizza Shack for keeping the late shift from being as creepy as it would otherwise be."
    Click.
    That took care of that.
    It was far too quiet within the confines of his office. To the best of anyone's knowledge, the rest of headquarters was empty. The cruel taunts of the silence were offputting at this hour.
    Ha ha. There's no one here... except you and your cat.
    "Shutupshutupsohelpmegodshutup"
    His cat.
    Yes... respite from all the loneliness.
    At last.
    "Persian?"
    No good. The feline was curled up in a ball, purring contentedly to itself, sound asleep.
    Ha. Even the cat is sleeping. Bet you would like to be in that little fleabag's place, wouldn't you?
    Giovanni had had enough of the voices in his head mocking him like this.
    A random string of curse words issued from his mouth.
    A knock on the door. He looked up.
    Oh thank God.
    "Come in," he said, in an almost desperate tone, then returned to his swearing.
    The green haired HR girl stood frozen on the spot, perplexed by the sight of her employer cursing to himself.
    "Wendy? What are you doing at this hour?"
    "I was finishing the paperwork that somehow finds itself lodged on my desk every morning" she said, cheerfully.
    So he wasn't the only one stuck filling out papers in these ungodly hours. Suddenly, this girl was his only link to the cruel, cold reality that he was seemingly trapped in. An instant bond between the two formed in his mind.
    Wendy found herself being warmly stared down.
    "Is ... anything wrong?"
    "Wendy..."he whimpered, "...have I ever told you how much I loved you?"
    Ookay, really weird. Might as well drop the bomb on him now.
    Not that she had any real choice in the matter.
    She reached into her bag and revealed two fat file folders.
    "Well, if that's the case, you shouldn't have any problem with these."
    These? This did not bode well...
    "That last pronoun you just used had better not have referred to those two folders you're holding."
    Wendy would have laughed in sadistic glee right now, were it not for the fact that her boss was currently 1) sleep deprived, 2) clearly in a worse mood than he was normally, and 3) right in front of her.
    Still, she had to admit it was pretty darned funny to see the tables turned like this.
    "Unfortunately, it did." she said, sliding the folders onto the desk and praying like mad he wouldn't shoot the messenger.
    Which, given the climate in which she worked, was a real possibility. In fact, it happened twice last week.
    "WHAT?!" He thumbed through the paperwork that had been presented to him.
    "Aren't these the same documents I gave you this morning?!"
    "They are, but you have to sign off on all of them before I can do anything else with them."
    Oh yeah! Score one more for the evil genius! Yatta ne, ganbarre, and et cetera.
    A low growl.
    Wait, et cetera isn't Japanese, it's Latin. Stop insulting my intelligence. Two could play at this mind game.
    She gave him a concerned look, remembering the first lesson she learned as an intern.
    Rule numero uno of working in the Personnel department of Team Rocket: Never ever underestimate the power of a little ass kissing. Rule numero dos: If in doubt, refer to rule #1.
    "Is there any way I can help? I could have left hours ago, but there was just so much to be done, and you know how I am about deadlines... I'm really tired, but if you need help, I'm not afraid to work a little more overtime."
    Gah. She really was rubbing it in. As much as he could use it, there was no way he could accept assistance from an employee so treacherous, so blasphemous that she could make a point that she was not only staying late voluntarily, but out of personal preference, and still seem relatively unfazed..
    Heh... seems like little miss Wendy has her work cut out for her.
    Look, you foul spawn of hell's fire, if you're going to insist upon driving me mad, at least be sure not to let me forget to cut this idiot girl's pay.
    "I believe I can handle this myself, Wendy. Leave."
    Wendy smiled to herself.
    "Good night."
    With a slight smirk, she headed out the door.
    One of these days, Wendy... one of these days.
    Another knock.
    "Two large pepperonis?"
    The pizza was here.
    "Those would be mine."
    The teenager delivering the pizza stared in wonderment at Giovanni's predicament.
    As he left, he tried to force back a laugh, and failed miserably.
    Yes boy... you just wait until I take over the world and you're one of my subjects... then let's see you laugh.
    The reminder of the ultimate goal of all this reassured him ever so slightly.
    That's the spirit, old chap.
    "I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP!"
    Reluctantly, and with a new pile of troubles upon his desk, he put his pen to the paper and resumed his seemingly Sisyphean torment.
    ....Number of badges given in the past 6 months....
    The answer "screw you" was tempting, but sadly, it wasn't the answer Lance was looking for.

    Giovanni had always known the old cliche about true evil never sleeping.
    Unfortunately, only now did he realize it was all too true.
    LJ~dA~R100~YT~Twitter~Facebook~Last.fm~Tumblr~Glacidia Network


    A bitch lives as free as a bird that can never be caught. I'm a bitch. I'll crush anyone that stands in my way! And I do what the hell I want!

  2. #2
    A black and white world Blackjack Gabbiani's Avatar
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    *giggle* Oh my.

    And...it's probably true.

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    Badass office lady Nekusagi's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Blackjack Gabbiani
    *giggle* Oh my.

    And...it's probably true.
    What? The paperwork?
    LJ~dA~R100~YT~Twitter~Facebook~Last.fm~Tumblr~Glacidia Network


    A bitch lives as free as a bird that can never be caught. I'm a bitch. I'll crush anyone that stands in my way! And I do what the hell I want!

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    A black and white world Blackjack Gabbiani's Avatar
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    All of it.

  5. #5
    Java Girl Barb's Avatar Retired Staff
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    This was really funny and, as BJ pointed out, most likely true. Just because some terrorist organizations dont' have WMDs doesn't mean they don't have to fill everything out in triplicate.

  6. #6
    A black and white world Blackjack Gabbiani's Avatar
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    Actually, they *might*. In Dues and Don'ts, there's missles on the side of the HQ.

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