TEEN: The Trainer and the Professor

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  1. #1
    A cute little robot girl. Satoshi-kun's Avatar Social Media Deputy Coordinator
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    Default The Trainer and the Professor

    I am giving this story a Teen rating. There most likely will be minor violence at various points, we well as some minor language. If you are looking for a G-Rated story, this most likely will not be it. If you don't mind a story that doesn't go out of its way to be squeaky clean, I hope that y'all enjoy.

    Also, this is my first serious story that I am writing here. I hope to have many chapters, but we will see where the story takes us.

    The Trainer and the Professor

    Our story begins with an introduction. An introduction of two children, a boy and a girl, and their life.

    The boy, Toby, who is thirteen in age, is a strong-willed boy, although he is a bit weak in strength. His life has been built around books, and the worlds that he can find within them. His earliest memories were of his mother reading to him from a Professor Oak bedtime story book. From the wondrous worlds that were created in his imagination from the words that entered his ears, he soon learned that life could be a bit more interesting with the help of fiction.

    The girl, Sarah, just turned eleven a week before the start of this story. She is strong-willed as well, but is a bit stronger than Toby, her brother. While Toby prefers the world contained within a hardback binding, Sarah finds that adventuring is more suited for her. In the heavily wooded area in which they live, Sarah can usually be found birdwatching, or watching the various land Pokemon who find the forests to be their home. Sometimes she finds herself frustrated at Toby's refusal to adventure, but she is still thankful to have him around.

    Both siblings have tan skin, dark brown hair and brown eyes. Toby's eyesight is not perfect, so he wears glasses to correct this, whereas Sarah's eyesight is perfect. Toby, as has been previously said, is not the strongest in his village, but he is far from being a wimp. Sarah, who has been described as being stronger than Toby is this way because of her activities and hobbies. She is far from being a stereotypical tomboy, but she is strong enough to be of help to her brother when he needs it. While both siblings have differences, their strengths balance out the others weaknesses, and they would fight to protect the other.

    Life for Toby and Sarah is not as pleasant as it is for some children. Four years ago, both of their parents died in the largest train crash that their area had ever seen. They were on a commuter train, one that took them to the city where they worked, when a rock slide from a mountain crushed the entire train. Fortunately, the small house that Toby and Sarah lived in had been paid off, but without parents, the two had to learn to support each other.

    Toby left school, which is not uncommon for children to do at his age in this land, and he took on a job at the library in the nearby village. Sarah continued to go to school, where she was hoping to learn enough to someday go on a pokemon journey. The life of a journeying pokemon trainer was one that she felt would suit her the best, as it would give her a chance to explore the world that fascinated her. Toby preferred the idea of continuing his studies outside of school, and spent every spare moment at the library deep in study. The library job is enough to keep the family fed, and because of this, both children are healthy.

    This afternoon, like most afternoons in their lives, finds Toby leaving work, a backpack with several books strapped to his back. He decides that he should do some light shopping for dinner, so he takes the path that leads to the village's market. Fortunately for Toby, all the sellers in the market understand his situation, and offer him the best prices that they are able to, while still selling him quality meats, fruits, and vegetables. The health of all their friends and family is of utmost importance everyone in the village, as this helps keep smiles on everyone's faces as everyone goes through life. After purchasing some meat, some potatoes, and some carrots, Toby heads down the trail to his forest home. Within ten minutes, he finds himself starting a fire in his kitchen, and starting to prepare a stew for him and his sister to enjoy. Once the meats and vegetables are cut and are cooking in a pot, he sits down at a table in the kitchen to read through one of the books that be brought home with him.

    Toby reads his book, this one being about the history of the area in which he lives, and of his ancestors, who have lived in this land for thousands of years. While fiction was his preference, learning about the world, and about the people and creatures that inhabited it came first. As he was reading, Sarah walked in the door and set her bag down next to the table, and sat down across from Toby.

    "Welcome home," said Toby, "how was your day?" This was a question that he asked everyday, as he enjoyed hearing about his sister's school life, and he also wanted to be available to offer any advice that she may need.

    "Boring, so boring. I'm already ahead in most of my studies, and the pokemon trainer class still has not started. Can't wait for next semester, so that I can finally start to ready myself for a journey," replied Sarah. Having conversations with her brother about what he was currently researching and reading generally kept her ahead of her class, and her school would not start with trainer classes until the autumn semester. Fortunately, it was spring, and the current semester was close to ending. This would give her more free time in which to hike around in her area and discover more about the world, thus giving her a head start on the trainer classes.

    While waiting on the stew to finish cooking so that they could eat, the two discussed the book that Toby was currently reading, and Sarah told Toby about some of the local wildlife that she had observed while walking home from school.

    Soon enough, perhaps too soon for the two, their dinner was finished cooking. Soon after, the two finished eating, and they both lit a lamp to carry up into their bedrooms. Sarah wrote about her day in a journal, and wrote her daily observations of the local pokemon. After that, she blew out the flame in her lamp and then she quickly fell asleep, getting her rest so that she would be energized for a brand new day. Toby read by the lamplight for a half hour, but his eyelids soon felt heavy, and he placed a bookmark in his book, extinguished his lamp, and fell asleep as well.

  2. #2
    I don't get blue balls. Dragonite Orbs's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Trainer and the Professor

    Decent start.

    IMHO it felt a bit formulaic and robotic at times, particularly where you took turns to describe traits of each character at the start.
    Maybe that was the sorta style you were going for though?

    Either way, I look forward to reading the next chapter :)

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    The First Homunculus Pride's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Trainer and the Professor

    Nice work!! It seems like something good, I can't wait to read more!

    Keep it up!

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    A cute little robot girl. Satoshi-kun's Avatar Social Media Deputy Coordinator
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    Default Re: The Trainer and the Professor

    Quote Originally Posted by Dragonite Orbs View Post
    IMHO it felt a bit formulaic and robotic at times, particularly where you took turns to describe traits of each character at the start.
    Maybe that was the sorta style you were going for though?
    Thanks for the feedback and criticism. I have to agree with you, some parts weren't as free flowing as I had wished, especially the part where I describe the two characters. I am used to writing fiction where either I am using characters that people know already, or characters who are just going to be around for a single story, so no need to really let the readers get to know them. So, I've had quite a few firsts with this story, at least with this first chapter, and probably will have more firsts as I go along.

    Let's all cross our fingers and hope that things go a lot smoother as the story progresses.

  5. #5
    I don't get blue balls. Dragonite Orbs's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Trainer and the Professor

    Yeah I got the feeling that that paragraph was just a way for you to lay the foundations for the characters to develop in later chapters.

    Perhaps it would flow better if you spent a paragraph describing just Toby and then a paragraph for just Sarah. It would help the reader build up two detailed pictures of the protagonists instead of something fragmented. Just something to consider for your next story / character

    I look forward to seeing how the story develops when you've set everything in place!

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    Default Re: The Trainer and the Professor

    Quote Originally Posted by Satoshi-kun View Post

    The Trainer and the Professor

    Our story begins with an introduction. An introduction of two children, a boy and a girl, and their life.

    The boy, Toby, who is thirteen in age, is a strong-willed boy, although he is a bit weak in strength. His life has been built around books, and the worlds that he can find within them. His earliest memories were of his mother reading to him from a Professor Oak bedtime story book. From the wondrous worlds that were created in his imagination from the words that entered his ears, he soon learned that life could be a bit more interesting with the help of fiction.

    The girl, Sarah, just turned eleven a week before the start of this story. She is strong-willed as well, but is a bit stronger than Toby, her brother. While Toby prefers the world contained within a hardback binding, Sarah finds that adventuring is more suited for her. In the heavily wooded area in which they live, Sarah can usually be found birdwatching, or watching the various land Pokemon who find the forests to be their home. Sometimes she finds herself frustrated at Toby's refusal to adventure, but she is still thankful to have him around.
    Show not tell, you can easily use a character in the story to describe the character's behavior. However you have to remember that it's much more entertaining to learn about these things about the characters in the story rather then just naming them over and over, characterization is key. Make us feel for the characters.
    Both siblings have tan skin, dark brown hair and brown eyes. Toby's eyesight is not perfect, so he wears glasses to correct this, whereas Sarah's eyesight is perfect. Toby, as has been previously said, is not the strongest in his village, but he is far from being a wimp. Sarah, who has been described as being stronger than Toby is this way because of her activities and hobbies. She is far from being a stereotypical tomboy, but she is strong enough to be of help to her brother when he needs it. While both siblings have differences, their strengths balance out the others weaknesses, and they would fight to protect the other.
    You see, this is a problem. I get it that you want to let us know what the boy & girl is wearing/look like but it can be done in a much more creative way. You can't just go, 'he was wearing this, he was wearing that,', you need to show, not tell. Be realistic also, I doubt Sarah or any human being has 100 percent perfect eyesight and I'm pretty sure the readers will know that Toby's eyesight is off since he wears glasses, unless he wears shades and is a blind character, I don't see any reason to be so blatant about.

    "Hmmmm." The two children both starred at themselves in the puddle of water left from the day's rain fall. Toby's glasses were very clear, the azure rectangular shape was always a bit embarrassing for him it's times like this he wished he had such eyesight as Sarah's.

    "I'm like an ant, strength wise, in comparison to her." Toby thought slightly shy around the much stronger adolescence who looked like a school athlete, though for being so much stronger despite the superior strength Toby was sure she was no tomboy "Perhaps I'm just weak for a male." he thought as he looked up into the girls tanned face.

    "We've got similar eyes," Sarah commented to the boy who looked like a nearly spitting image of her, sporting a very similar skin tone and the very same chocolately brown Lillipup eyes she had been known for since she was a toddler.

    "The dark hair is also another similarity," Toby added.


    Be honest - which do you find more interesting? You need to step outside your comfort zone. For example, I used the puddle of water and characters as a way of telling of what they looked like and where wearing. With the right words and adjectives you can make your storytelling quite captivating.



    Another good example is right here.
    The somewhat tan although clearly skinny, teenage boy glanced upon his reflection of the mirror in the room. He was not exactly muscular but he always thought of himself as good-looking. His clothes were modern, so to say, his gray jacket matched well his black sweat pants. If there was one thing he liked the most about himself, it was his gentle-like, light brown eyes that seemed to tap into one's soul when looked at.


    Life for Toby and Sarah is not as pleasant as it is for some children. Four years ago, both of their parents died in the largest train crash that their area had ever seen. They were on a commuter train, one that took them to the city where they worked, when a rock slide from a mountain crushed the entire train. Fortunately, the small house that Toby and Sarah lived in had been paid off, but without parents, the two had to learn to support each other.
    Again, SHOW not tell. Have the characters have a heart to heart moment telling each other about it, I also recommend a flashback. You could use Newspapers for example or just do a flashback to it. It's no fun and doesn't make me care a load for the dead characters if we don't even get to know who they are and how they affected things for the characters.
    Toby left school, which is not uncommon for children to do at his age in this land, and he took on a job at the library in the nearby village. Sarah continued to go to school, where she was hoping to learn enough to someday go on a pokemon journey. The life of a journeying pokemon trainer was one that she felt would suit her the best, as it would give her a chance to explore the world that fascinated her. Toby preferred the idea of continuing his studies outside of school, and spent every spare moment at the library deep in study. The library job is enough to keep the family fed, and because of this, both children are healthy.
    Show that Sarah has this drive for journeying, show her tenacity. This is a perfect attempt at characterization.
    This afternoon, like most afternoons in their lives, finds Toby leaving work, a backpack with several books strapped to his back. He decides that he should do some light shopping for dinner, so he takes the path that leads to the village's market. Fortunately for Toby, all the sellers in the market understand his situation, and offer him the best prices that they are able to, while still selling him quality meats, fruits, and vegetables. The health of all their friends and family is of utmost importance everyone in the village, as this helps keep smiles on everyone's faces as everyone goes through life. After purchasing some meat, some potatoes, and some carrots, Toby heads down the trail to his forest home. Within ten minutes, he finds himself starting a fire in his kitchen, and starting to prepare a stew for him and his sister to enjoy. Once the meats and vegetables are cut and are cooking in a pot, he sits down at a table in the kitchen to read through one of the books that be brought home with him.
    Do some showing, have the characters think or talk about this. It comes off as a bit too "lucky" for Toby if you just out right say he gets high quality low price foods this easily.

    "Boring, so boring. I'm already ahead in most of my studies, and the pokemon trainer class still has not started. Can't wait for next semester, so that I can finally start to ready myself for a journey," replied Sarah. Having conversations with her brother about what he was currently researching and reading generally kept her ahead of her class, and her school would not start with trainer classes until the autumn semester. Fortunately, it was spring, and the current semester was close to ending. This would give her more free time in which to hike around in her area and discover more about the world, thus giving her a head start on the trainer classes.

    While waiting on the stew to finish cooking so that they could eat, the two discussed the book that Toby was currently reading, and Sarah told Toby about some of the local wildlife that she had observed while walking home from school.
    Try to work on the word variation and characterization. I don't find either's personality to be interesting in the slightest or back story. Maybe I'm being too picky with this being the first chapter.

    Soon enough, perhaps too soon for the two, their dinner was finished cooking. Soon after, the two finished eating, and they both lit a lamp to carry up into their bedrooms. Sarah wrote about her day in a journal, and wrote her daily observations of the local pokemon. After that, she blew out the flame in her lamp and then she quickly fell asleep, getting her rest so that she would be energized for a brand new day. Toby read by the lamplight for a half hour, but his eyelids soon felt heavy, and he placed a bookmark in his book, extinguished his lamp, and fell asleep as well.
    Show not tell, this is the prime chance for interactions so we can get to know your characters. We didn't learn anything about their personalities and behaviors around each other other then what you told us, but we have to see to believe.

    This first chapter was also a tad too short.

    I'm actually curious how long you've been developing this story? :0

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