Tick Tock (Pokémon POV)

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Thread: Tick Tock (Pokémon POV)

  1. #1
    Oh Oh. . .The Sustenance! Eneko55's Avatar
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    Default Tick Tock (Pokémon POV)

    Hi, this is my first fic on these forums, hope I categorised it correctly. Please read and review, I'd greatly appreciate feedback on this fic.

    Prologue


    A Feebas's dreams were always of being caught by a loving trainer who’ll feed them Pokéblocks to make them into strong and beautiful Milotic. Most Feebas hide to make it tough for trainers to catch them, a sort of test they derived to prove that the trainer is worthy. Once found, a Feebas will gladly welcome whatever ball is thrown at them and comfortably settle into their new homes.

    Well. . .most Feebas are like that anyway. There was one Feebas, in particular, who was very anxious to be caught. He wanted so desperately to evolve and be shown off at a contest in a fabulous place like Lilycove or Fallarbor. However, when he was caught, he was stuffed full of Pokéblocks, fed a Rare Candy to evolve him and then trapped inside his Ultra Ball, only to be released for a Contest.

    He was brought out, Contest after Contest, continuously fed Pokéblocks until he was sick. His trainer would train him so hard that the poor Milotic hated to be seen by humans. During a Contest, with all those humans watching him, the Milotic felt ashamed because he had become one of their slaves, a thing to be looked at and nothing more.

    He had always thought that it would be better than this. He thought that he would be respected and treated with love and care, not hatred. He wanted to work with his trainer, not for him.

    The Milotic, named Tick, when he was a Feebas, would let himself drift in the rivers near Fortree City, gazing up at the moon and stars. He would dream he was a Milotic and in a Contest, all eyes on him as he performed his attacks, the crowd cheering for him, encouraging him as his trainer looked on and helped him through it all.

    Now Tick dreams of anything else except the twisted pleasure his trainer gets out of watching him and forcing him to perform for humans, like some kind of object, something to be looked at, regardless of whether or not it has feelings.

    It was during the Master Rank Contest when Tick decided to escape his abusive trainer. When ordered to fire his most impressive Water Pulse towards the back of the stage, he turned to the side and shot his trainer and escaped through the back.

    While fleeing the scene, Tick used another Water Pulse to confuse any humans nearby. Three humans fell to the ground in confusion – two guards sent to stop the Milotic and a little girl squeezing the hand of her Azumarill.

    As the girl fell, the Azumarill ran after Tick. Tick assumed that she wanted revenge for what he had done to her trainer and decided to attack. He turned round and prepared to use Twister.

    “Wait!” Azumarill shouted and held up her hands as a sign that she didn’t want to fight.

    Tick stopped and stared at the Azumarill, waiting for an explanation as to why he should stop.

    “Thank you, for saving me from her.” Azumarill bowed her head in appreciation.

    “Uh. . .yeah, no problem.” Tick shrugged once before turning his back and running away once more.

    The Azumarill smiled and said no more and walked away in the opposite direction, leaving behind her trainer as well. . .

    ------------------------


    Well, i hope you enjoyed the Prologue, the first chapter will hopefully be up at the end of the weekend.
    Last edited by Eneko55; 9th July 2005 at 05:51 AM.
    ~Eneko

  2. #2
    Java Girl Barb's Avatar Retired Staff
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    An interesting start to a fanfic. However, you might want to use a beta reader or a grammer check to avoid more of this: "While fleeing the seen..." The word you're looking for is scene.

    A little more description would help as well. You stated that this Feebas wanted nothing more than to be entered into a Contest. Well, he had his life's dream realized, but he didn't like it. Maybe a description of what Feebas thinks the Contest life is about would help, and this would contrast well with the description of the overbearing trainer that you've got.

  3. #3
    Oh Oh. . .The Sustenance! Eneko55's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Barb
    An interesting start to a fanfic. However, you might want to use a beta reader or a grammer check to avoid more of this: "While fleeing the seen..." The word you're looking for is scene.
    I actually did use a Grammar Check and have a Beta Reader. . .it's kinda odd how that was missed I'll fix that

    Quote Originally Posted by Barb
    A little more description would help as well. You stated that this Feebas wanted nothing more than to be entered into a Contest. Well, he had his life's dream realized, but he didn't like it. Maybe a description of what Feebas thinks the Contest life is about would help, and this would contrast well with the description of the overbearing trainer that you've got.
    That's a really good idea, thanx :D I'll edit it that into the Prologue as soon as I can.
    Thank you very much for the review, for pointing out the mistake and for suggesting a way to imrpove the fic. I hope you continue to read and review future chapters
    ~Eneko

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