Thread: There's No I In Team! Chapter 1-- The Journey Begins!

My first FanFic! Hopefully it will go well. I got the whole school idea from Rexasaur and his Shadow Of The Pokemon FanFic.

Rated 13, for swearing, it may turn into a 15 dependent on what happens. Anyhow onto my first and hopefully not last FF!

Chapter 1---The Journey Begins!

"Wake up! Godammit Phoenix! Why do you always wake up late?!"

"Calm down Simon, im up." Pheonix said to his best friend and roomate.

"Come on! Its our final day!" Simon shouted.

"Oh shit, I forgot!" Phoenix said as he got out of bed. He looked around his room, it was a small room, and he was suprised it could fit two people in. On the other side of the room, opposite to his own bed was Simon's bed. Simon had stuck up posters of his 'Role Models'. Phoenix only recognised a few. Bill the Kanto pokemaniac, Cynthia the Sinnoh Champion and Phoenix's favourite, Lance. He kept looking around the small room. The academy was full of small bedrooms like this. The Johto Academy is probably the smallest Academy out of the five Pokemon Regions.

It wasnt a surprise for Phoenix to see that Simon was already fully dressed. "Simon, why dont you go ahead, il see you in the auditorium." Phoenix said with a slight smile.

"Ok then, good luck in the tests!"

The worst thing about the last day was the tests, they were so boring but theu would help you gain your first pokemon. Phoenix walked towards the mirror resting against the wall. His blonde hair was spiked up just the way he liked, his blue eyes helped the look more. He got changed and looked at himself in the mirror again, His black jacket clashed with his blue t-shirt underneath the jumper, although you could only see the t-shirts collar. His blue jeans and trainers topped it off.

As he walked to the auditorium, he stopped as his eyes lingereeld on the most beautiful girl in the Academy. Alicia Lowe. His eyes lingered until her boyfriend came and then they seemed glued to each other's lips. He carried on walking not taking a glance back. If her boyfriend saw another boy 'chatting his girl up' he'd probably beat them to a pulp. When Phoenix got to the Auditorium, he say down in seat 91 and waited for the test to begin.

"Pens out, heads down, and begin your History test!" Shouted the Headmaster, Mr. Kensuki.

Straight away Phoenix knew he would never get a pokemon. He never listened in history.

He read the first question:
Q1: Who invented the capsule system known as the Pokéball?

He skipped to the back of the test paper:
Q50: What was the very first pokemon ever seen?

Great. Just great. Once he had done all the questions he could have done, he set down the paper and waited for the next test: General Pokemon Knowledge

"Hmph, this should be alright." He said. He completed all the questions, and yet again waited for the next test. The only one he'd been looking forward to: The Practical

All he had to do was win a battle. With a typebdisadvantage.

After recieving a Pikachu and going against abGraveler, it took him just 3 turns to win, an Iron Tail and two Quick attacks he had won the battle amnd proceeded to go back to the auditorium.

The headmaster proceeded to the stage and said,"Five lucky people with the highest test scores will gain a pokemon!"

Is that it? But what about all the other people?

He read names of a list starting from the highest sciring of the 5 to the least.
Two girls each gained a Chikorita and a Totodile respectiavely. Next came a boy who got the last of the rarest pokemon, a Cyndaquil. Next in 4th place was was another girl who got a Pikachu. This left fitfth place to get an Eevee. Phoemix couldnt wait to see how happy Simon would be once he got his Eevee.

"And in Fifth place! Carter, Phoenix!"

"Wait, what the fuck?" Phoenix git up and walked to the center if the stage to recieve his prize. But what the hell was going on? No way he got a high score on the tests! Yeah, maybe the Practical but... He took his prize to a rally ofapplause and walked slowly back to his seat and sat down. He stole a glance to afew seats away to Simon. He looked on the verge of tears and just shouted. "Seriously?! What the fuck man!?"

And Phoenix didnt say anything. He had just lost his best friend fir nothing.

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Im sorry about the puntuality. Im on my phone so its quite hard.

Hi there.

Welcome to this side of the forum. It's nice to see fresh faces around.

And onto the review:

Firstly I'd just like to say that (for me at least) this was quite a fresh idea. The only other fics I've seen following a school theme have been related to research rather than tests and practicals to help you gain a Pokemon. So that among numerous different plots is quite an interesting way to start.

I enjoyed the flow, and that you're very good at keeping things moving, but sometimes this can be a bit of a hindrance too as it's quite nice for the reader to be able to take their time over characters and their introduction to them. Saying that though, you don't want it to drag out, so it's a matter of finding a good patter. So for example I'm just going to slightly modify one of your sentences to show what I mean:

"Wake up! Godammit Phoenix! Why do you always wake up late?!"

You could write the above like:

"Wake up! Godammit Phoenix! Why do you always wake up late?!" a young boy hastily said as he tried to finish putting his socks on while balancing on his other leg.

That was just a top of the head example but it just shows us a little more character and story to the situation and it'll help us get a better idea for a characters personality too.

The other thing I'd like to add to that is it'd be great to see the two boys relationship at the beginning as well in a bit more detail, maybe have them reminisce on their time in school, or growing up together etc. and that way it can help show us their bond, while also dropping hints at how hurt Simon could become if his best friend almost 'stole' his right to a Pokemon. It'd be a great way to really make that moment seem so much more dramatic and suspenseful as well. Your readers will be wondering what on earth was going to happen between the two as well.

Besides that, I'd also just point out a tid bit about spelling. Maybe next time write it up in advance on a Word Processor and then you'd be able to read through it before posting and spot some simple mistakes, and it also helps point out phrasing or grammatical errors too. It may also help you in your planning and prep for your story if you're still working on that too.

All the best with your further installments and I hope that I could have been of help.

Thanks a lot! I will make another chapter and follow yiur ti0s !

Very clever idea, I agree. I agree with harryheart, a little more description would go a long way. Keep up the great work!

Like the others say you need to add more description. However, for you I think it's better to go one step at a time. For example, try to make your chapters longer. In the first chapter you moved way too fast I mean the guy was getting up from bed at one moment and by the end he had already taken the test and all. It would've been nice to dedicate more time to describing the academy itself, maybe exploring more on his feelings and his past as well as his friendship with Simon. The chapter was good but, it needs a lot of work to be done at this point.

Don't take this badly though, I think that if you really apply yourself you can accomplish something, though I recommend that you reread the chapters so that you don't have as many spelling errors in them.

Stellar Gale makes a good point. Don't get overwhelmed by people's advice. Just focus on one thing to get better at each time you write. You already show tremendous potential and talent so don't fret!

Wow. Thanks everyone, im currently making this chapter, sorry for the delays. Thanks everyone for the tips!

Sorry but I cant continue this. Especially with the ideas I have.