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Thread: Tales of Mossdeep

  1. #1
    FOOLED YOU! Squeaky the sixth's Avatar
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    Default Tales of Mossdeep

    Right, Squeaky here. Now I am determined that this does not turn into a dead fic like my other one. So I've got this Chapter Written and Chapter two is around 80% done, not including proof reading. When reviewing please be honest. I like most writers value criticism and good honest criticism is rare resource hard to come by.
    So I say , internet unknowns If you could could nitpick and review this, I would be very grateful. (God this sounds like a really formal letter!)
    Right, now this is the story

    Last edited by Squeaky the sixth; 1st June 2013 at 02:29 PM.
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    FOOLED YOU! Squeaky the sixth's Avatar
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    Default Re: Tales of Mossdeep

    Right, Chapter Two is up, review if you can please. Chapter three is around 10% done.
    Smart enough to use forth in the wrong context
    Claims: Metagross and Travis Touchdown

  3. #3
    East Unova Resident SuperTrainStationH's Avatar
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    Default Re: Tales of Mossdeep

    So I read Chapter 1.

    The pissed off, sardonic mood of the chapter kind of reminded me of something akin to if Raymond Carver had lived in the Pokémon world and wrote a fic about it, though the similarities are admittedly vague, just what came to mind.

    Surprised to see a third person present tense fic. I haven't stumbled upon too many of those that I can remember, in fact I don't think I can even remember much present tense stuff going on that I've run across aside from a couple of itty bitty one shots I've written.

    After Mike lost his challenge attempt and the fic seemed to shift to the gym leaders, I wondered if this was going to become a fic about the challenges of running a Pokémon Gym in the context of imposing some realistic considerations upon the Pokémon World, but as the Chapter ends with Mike about to tell the story of his team, I guess I'll be finding out as things go along the full scope of what this story entails.

    Also, I smiled at the line regarding "X Drugs" for whatever reason.

    I enjoyed it.

    I hope to get to the second chapter sometime.

    Now for some technical suggestions:

    “The last he needs was for his commands to come out as gibbering.” - The "needs was" thing seems clunky to me here. Should it read "needs is"? The fact that it's present tense adds to the confusion here.

    The fourth paragraph was a bit confusing because it seemed to without warning slip from a third person narrator to it becoming SECOND PERSON narration with the reader seeming to become Mike.

  4. #4
    FOOLED YOU! Squeaky the sixth's Avatar
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    Default Re: Tales of Mossdeep

    Quote Originally Posted by SuperTrainStationH View Post
    So I read Chapter 1.

    The pissed off, sardonic mood of the chapter kind of reminded me of something akin to if Raymond Carver had lived in the Pokémon world and wrote a fic about it, though the similarities are admittedly vague, just what came to mind.

    Surprised to see a third person present tense fic. I haven't stumbled upon too many of those that I can remember, in fact I don't think I can even remember much present tense stuff going on that I've run across aside from a couple of itty bitty one shots I've written.

    After Mike lost his challenge attempt and the fic seemed to shift to the gym leaders, I wondered if this was going to become a fic about the challenges of running a Pokémon Gym in the context of imposing some realistic considerations upon the Pokémon World, but as the Chapter ends with Mike about to tell the story of his team, I guess I'll be finding out as things go along the full scope of what this story entails.

    Also, I smiled at the line regarding "X Drugs" for whatever reason.

    I enjoyed it.

    I hope to get to the second chapter sometime.

    Now for some technical suggestions:

    “The last he needs was for his commands to come out as gibbering.” - The "needs was" thing seems clunky to me here. Should it read "needs is"? The fact that it's present tense adds to the confusion here.

    The fourth paragraph was a bit confusing because it seemed to without warning slip from a third person narrator to it becoming SECOND PERSON narration with the reader seeming to become Mike.
    Cheers. I'll try to polish it up when I get the chance.
    Smart enough to use forth in the wrong context
    Claims: Metagross and Travis Touchdown

  5. #5
    FOOLED YOU! Squeaky the sixth's Avatar
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    Default Re: Tales of Mossdeep



    Bit of crummy ending I know, but I need to update this. Next chapter will focus of Steven and the gym leaders.
    Squeaky out.
    Smart enough to use forth in the wrong context
    Claims: Metagross and Travis Touchdown

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