Taking Flight Chapter 9 going to college

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Thread: Taking Flight Chapter 9 going to college

  1. #1
    One lost to time boondockArtist's Avatar
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    Default Taking Flight Chapter 9 going to college

    -Table of contents-

    -Chapter one, just look down the post

    -Chapter Two-Discoveries

    -Chapter Three-A Library Apprentice

    -Chapter Four-Leaflet

    -Chapter Five-Meeting

    -Chapter Six-Louis Attack!

    -Chapter Seven-Memories

    -Chapter Eight-Pilot

    -Chaper Nine-College

    here is my redone chapter 1
    ______________________________________
    Chapter 1-A Wing Broken

    Humment

    Dang this is hard. I have no other thing to do, so I guess I should start out by writing how this all started.
    My horrible excuse of a family was free, but then a dictator that refers to himself as “The Minister” took over and set up a new set of harsh laws that limited
    everything I and many others basically did every day.
    • A curfew that wasn’t even needed, as no bird could fly at night.
    • A sedition that keeps anybody from under speaking him.
    • Only natural nectar was allowed, which meant that only flowers were the only source of food, and no Feeders.
    • And a lot many other limits, regarding feeding, travel, and even moving.

    And me, and teens from all over the flock, had enough of the pigeon bile.
    So, once we gathered about a dozen to
    his family’s nest and destroyed it while they
    were away.
    But everything went wrong so quickly. We were caught in the act when the Minister and his son came back (which we thought they were gone for a meeting) and everybody, sparing one, escaped.
    And guess who was that? Me.
    When I was caught by his guards, he had said to me; “Teenagers like you are trash. And trash is something that the flock does not need. Guards, escort this brat out of the flock. He needs to be taught a lesson.”
    So I was banished. Since then, I have been scrounging around, starved from not
    being able to find enough nectar flowers so
    far from the flock. I also didn’t “want to break the law”.
    But after a couple more hours, I had finally cracked down and ate from a feeder that was in a human’s yard a good while away from the trees.
    So I was slurping the sugary fluid down my throat, I heard barking from a Great Dane that lived at the yard that the feeder was on, but it was distant. I should of left then.
    The dog had soon noticed me and charged up to the feeder and attacked me

    while I was in the air. I tried to get away, but it had me in a tight spot.
    Out of desperation, I started attacking it’s muzzle with my talons and beak, staining it with a few droplets of blood.
    But that only made it angrier.
    With annoyance, it started to snap at me with it’s briar-sharp teeth, missing me every time. But I knew it couldn’t miss me forever.
    After a few minutes, it finally got hold of me, biting down hard. Having it’s teeth stabbed in my right wing, I noticed that it had no intent of letting go and was going even deeper into my underskin and closer to the bone.
    But just as I thought he was going to continue mauling on me, a male voice shouted to stop: “Louis get off of it now!”
    Though he couldn’t tell my gender, what he said did the trick-the dog had let go and stalked away, making speech-like grunts while going.

    In that instant, I fainted possibly from blood loss.
    When I had woke up a few hours later, a state of confusion and fear got me. Where was I? Was I dead? Then I remembered what had happened. I checked my wing and I saw it was in bandage.
    So then the last thing to worry about where I was. I was inside of a house, on a “kitchen counter”. It was nearing dusk outside, but the inside was well lit.
    But as soon as I started to get a look around, the human that rescued me came in.
    "Oh, you’re awake, tiny hummer," he said as he brought in a bowl of liquid that seemed oddly familiar. "I hope my dog didn't harm you enough to keep you grounded for life. Heck, I don't even know why I'm talking to you; it's not like you can
    understand me."
    But the truth was that I had understood every word that passed his teeth.
    "Go ahead, drink it," the man pestered.
    I guessed that it wasn't poisonous, so I went ahead and slurped some through my beak. It had tasted exactly like the nectar from before the accident, making me
    recall the recent, painful memories, but I still drank it
    until it was empty.

    "Wow you were hungry."
    Really, I didn’t know that! I thought angrily.
    Then the Great Dane walked in, and started to speech-bark at me again, like he was trying to tell me: “Just you wait, I’m going to kill you in the end.”
    "Louis, shut up!" He scolded and it ran away with it's tail between it’s legs.
    "Wow, it getting late. Time to go to bed."
    As for me, just waking up, I couldn't go back to sleep.
    So I decided to finally explore the building without getting interrupted.
    Along the way I had found the typewriter I'm on now, and the thought came by that I should write what happened so far, just in case I need it to get everything gathered in my head.
    After an hour of typing away with my beak (you’d be surprised what a beak can do) I fell asleep with the feeling like I should of just died…
    _____________________________
    Last edited by boondockArtist; 27th May 2011 at 11:15 AM.

  2. #2
    The People's Champion Roulette's Avatar
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    Default Re: taking flight (non pokemon) (PG for violence)

    Well, it's far to short to really be considered a story. Is this a one-shot or a chapter? I would label it as such. Also, the plot is sort of odd. A bird recounting his experience on a typewriter? I would add a lot more detail on what happened which could also add to the length.

    There are a few grammatical errors as well.
    "But instinct told me I should of left earlier" that should be 'have'.
    You have a tendency to use 'had' a lot before your verbs. "Before I had woke up" is one example. I would remove a lot of those.
    "As I was eat (drinking)" doesn't make a lot of sense. Maybe try "As I was eat- drinking, or As I was eating (or rather, drinking). Something like that. Yours just says "As I was eat". Parentheses should be used to surround something that isn't necessary for the sentence to make sense.

    Other than the length and grammatical problems, you should definitely run it through spell check, maybe try typing it in word if you aren't already, and having someone beta read it first. Just by adding detail you should be able to add a LOT of length to your story. Give us a little more info on the main character, these mysterious laws, and things like that and the story will have potential.

  3. #3
    is obsessed with Noivern! Zekurom's Avatar
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    Default Re: taking flight (non pokemon) (PG for violence)

    Alright, let's stop at the first two sentences.

    I was free, able to do anything in my limitations. Then a governmental system was formed, along with laws. A few days later, I was forced out for unnessicery behaveior (I'll get to that, eventually), unable to see friends or family unless otherwise admitted back.
    Those sentences are too vague and hand-wavy to actually establish any setting. Try describing what life was like when your character was free.
    The word "quadragonal" is the only word with "dragon" in it where "dragon" is not a root word. That makes it awesome.

  4. #4
    One lost to time boondockArtist's Avatar
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    Default Re: taking flight (non pokemon) (PG for violence)

    Quote Originally Posted by Roulette Dares View Post
    Well, it's far to short to really be considered a story. Is this a one-shot or a chapter? I would label it as such. Also, the plot is sort of odd. A bird recounting his experience on a typewriter? I would add a lot more detail on what happened which could also add to the length.

    There are a few grammatical errors as well.
    "But instinct told me I should of left earlier" that should be 'have'.
    You have a tendency to use 'had' a lot before your verbs. "Before I had woke up" is one example. I would remove a lot of those.
    "As I was eat (drinking)" doesn't make a lot of sense. Maybe try "As I was eat- drinking, or As I was eating (or rather, drinking). Something like that. Yours just says "As I was eat". Parentheses should be used to surround something that isn't necessary for the sentence to make sense.

    Other than the length and grammatical problems, you should definitely run it through spell check, maybe try typing it in word if you aren't already, and having someone beta read it first. Just by adding detail you should be able to add a LOT of length to your story. Give us a little more info on the main character, these mysterious laws, and things like that and the story will have potential.
    Well, as of now, I'm writing this on a droid so.. yeah. I,m sorry for using had too much. Humment will reveal more about himself. I will also fix it up okay and get started on my rough draft for chapter 2 okay

  5. #5
    Unregistered User Rakarei's Avatar
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    Default Re: taking flight (non pokemon) (PG for violence)

    Oooo, mysterious. I have a guess, is your main character a hummingbird?

    This looks interesting, I'll be coming back to this one.
    Secret butt fun!

    Avatar made by this guy. I have a YouTube account and a twitter.
    In Soviet Bulbagarden, anime is butthurt over all aspects of YOU!

  6. #6
    is obsessed with Noivern! Zekurom's Avatar
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    Default Re: taking flight (non pokemon) (PG for violence)

    Quote Originally Posted by godo156 View Post
    Well, as of now, I'm writing this on a droid so.. yeah. I,m sorry for using had too much. Humment will reveal more about himself. I will also fix it up okay and get started on my rough draft for chapter 2 okay
    You could consider... not working on a Droid...?

    That alone would probably make your writing a lot better because you're less rushed and less prone to making mistakes due to mistyping something. So really, it takes less time.
    The word "quadragonal" is the only word with "dragon" in it where "dragon" is not a root word. That makes it awesome.

  7. #7
    One lost to time boondockArtist's Avatar
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    Default Re: taking flight (non pokemon) (PG for violence)

    Quote Originally Posted by Zekurom View Post
    You could consider... not working on a Droid...?

    That alone would probably make your writing a lot better because you're less rushed and less prone to making mistakes due to mistyping something. So really, it takes less time.
    Well it's not my fualt that I live in the contry with no wifi/internet connection and anyway if I did I couldn't,I broke the charger for my laptop and it's dead

  8. #8
    is obsessed with Noivern! Zekurom's Avatar
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    Default Re: taking flight (non pokemon) (PG for violence)

    Quote Originally Posted by godo156 View Post
    Well it's not my fault that I live in the country with no wifi/internet connection and anyway if I did I couldn't, I broke the charger for my laptop and it's dead
    Which country is that? I'm sure there's more than one...
    The word "quadragonal" is the only word with "dragon" in it where "dragon" is not a root word. That makes it awesome.

  9. #9
    One lost to time boondockArtist's Avatar
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    Default Re: taking flight (non pokemon) (PG for violence) chapter 2 up

    Chapter 2-Discoveries

    Humment

    Why does nothing go the way I plan?

    I slept surprisingly good, considering the horrible events of yesterday, but I woke up still in great pain.

    Well at least I’m not dead. I thought glumly.

    But then I saw the man pick up the papers that I typed out last night. Crap! Why didn’t I think about hiding them? Oh yeah I was sleeping… I thought glumly.

    “Well, well, well, what is this?” he said, as he held the sheets. But then after reading it, he gave me a puzzled look.

    “Wait a minute… did you type this?”

    I guess I had no choice, so I typed in

    Well you were even reading it?
    “Yes I did. But how do you understand--

    -English? Well, I'm not a rotting lump on a log. Also researching about it for a branch-grow helps
    “Why would you do this? And what is a branch-grow” he questioned.

    I’m not telling you why I did, but a branch-grow in human terms is a year, but much, much shorter.
    Now, just because I did not want to tell him why I did is mainly for pride sake, does not mean I will not write it out. The main reason why I was even interested was because I was the least favored in the family.

    This meant that I was the one that got beat up by my siblings. I was the one that had to do the chores. I was the one always punished for no reason, and many other things of the sort.

    Just to keep my sanity, I had to escape my life by going to the library and drown out everything by reading over a dozen of leaflets. Over a time, I developed an interest of the lives of humans and soon I observed a family not far from here.

    I'm writing these notes because seeing as though Daniel (the man) has took a interest in what I type.

    “Well, before I ask you any more questions, let’s have breakfast,” Daniel said optimistically.

    For this meal, “breakfast”, he gave me a bowl of nectar, while he had a bowl of oats.

    After the meal, we left the “kitchen” and went back to room with the typewriter.

    "First off, what is your name?" He asked.

    Humment.
    “Good, now I know that you already stated in these papers,” he started, holding up the sheets. “…but why did you choose my bird feeder, out of all in the neighborhood I live in?”

    [QUOTE] Because it was not only the closest place I could go, but it was one of the few places I am familiar with. [QUOTE]

    “I understand, but why did…”

    The questions rolled on for at least a hour, leaving my beak feel like I flew into a window pane.

    "Wow, that took four hours!" Daniel sighed.

    Yeah, no kidding!

    "I think we both deserve to head outside to get some fresh air."

    Thank Huitzilo!
    Last edited by boondockArtist; 17th February 2011 at 01:33 PM.

  10. #10
    One lost to time boondockArtist's Avatar
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    Default Re: taking flight (non pokemon) (PG for violence) chapter 3 up

    Chapter 3-A Library Apprentice

    Humment

    Now I know that I have someone to trust.

    As we (but mostly he) walked through the door, I was instantly relieved to get some fresh air after the whole day indoors.

    But then after staying out for only a minute, I noticed the effects of the upcoming season, with the trees and bushes were in the tint of orange and scarlet, the ground covered in a few fallen leaves, and the air was beginning to chill.

    So out of desperation, I jumped out of Daniel’s hand and into the air, trying to fly in the process. But the result ended in me flapping my wings in the air like a duck, and falling to the ground.

    “Idiot! Doing something stupid like that will keep you completely grounded!” Daniel scolded, picking him up.

    “Anyway, your wing will not be healed completely for a good while.”

    Well that is just great! When I will be back in the air, everyone will all be down south! Even better, I am thinking like a depressed dove!

    After that small breakdown, I heard the steady hum of wings.

    Great someone is here. Maybe they will can help me, which would be good; or they might go and tell the Minister and he’ll send a brigade to fetch me and try to probably sentence me to death, which is not good at all…

    But then coming closer in the air, I noticed that it was my best friend, Cean.

    The day that me and Cean met was one of the times that I was studying at the library of the flock, when he came and offered help for my research.

    “Hey, I see that you are studying about humans, would you possibly want any help?” he asked as he walked up to my bookstand.

    “Who are you again? And just so you know, my name is Humment.” I replied, disturbed from my research.

    “Why I am Cean, the apprentice of this fine library. I have wrote a few leaflets about humans regarding language, behavior, the tools they use for a living, and a good stack of other things.” he explained. “Would you like to see them?”

    “Sure.” I had said, bored from his chatting.

    And so I kept coming back to the library, talking to my new and only best friend. I even tried to encourage him to come and help trash the Minister’s nest, but he backed down. He said he would not do it, because he would have got in trouble.

    Now, he is here now, flying in the air ahead.

    “Is that you Humment?” he asked, surprised to see me.

    “Afraid so.” I replied.

    “What happened? I know that you and a few others went to attack the Minister’s nest, but it went haywire.” he said.

    So then I told him what happened yesterday and today.

    “Darn it, I wish I could do something about this. The minister said horrible things about you. I won't even attempt to say what he said.” Cean said. “I am sorry Humment, but I have to go collect some leaflet leaves for my master. See you later.”

    Cean had left right as the sky was reaching the end of twilight and Daniel took me inside.
    Last edited by boondockArtist; 31st December 2010 at 08:24 PM.

  11. #11
    that gigantic tub of lard bigJ19's Avatar
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    Default Re: taking flight (non pokemon) CHAPTER 3 UP!!

    Good story so far godo

  12. #12
    One lost to time boondockArtist's Avatar
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    Default Re: taking flight (non pokemon) CHAPTER 4 UP!!

    Chapter 4-Leaflet

    Humment



    After Cean flew away to finish his task, Daniel brought me back inside because the sun was setting.

    When he lain me down on the table in his kitchen, he said, “You must know that you have to write down what you said to that other bird, do you not?”

    Answering his question, I hopped over to his “laptop”, because it was similar in design, and typed in:

    Why do I?
    “For one, if you want me to help, you need to keep writing. And two, I am planning on using what you write for a story for college. Now let’s go to the desk!” he explained with a raise in his voice, scooping me back up.

    When he put me back on his desk, I sullenly perched onto the typewriter and started typing away. A hour later, I fell asleep, beak flat on the space key.

    ***************************************************

    Cean

    I was quite shocked to see Humment in a “cast” as he called it. (I may know English, but I have a very limited vocab of it.)

    After I left from Humment’s location, I immediately started searching for the leaves that I was assigned to get.

    The reason for my rush was not only because my master would be prinned at me, but I (along with the whole species) become blind as a bat at night.

    After a half-hour of flying around almost blindly, I collected at least enough to make a small novella. So I flew back to the library.

    I flew into the tree that the library was in and walked over to the counter where master was perched behind, and focused on him over the lightning bugs used to light up the place.

    “What took you this long just to get a hatchard’s short story leaflet!” my master scolded me.

    “Umm… I guess it is because of the time of the year…” I lied in attempt.

    “It is useless to try to lie to me, I used my own fair of them back in my day,” he countered.

    “And now, since you just flat out lied, your punishment is to do several new stories and/or reports, with the stories in the genre being your choice of fiction or nonfiction. Now get the supplies and head home boy!”

    I grabbed a few dozen leaves, a nut-container of tree sap (“ink”), and a loose feather from the pile of them (inhumane but the best), and headed for home.

    When I got there, I went to my nest, and started to write down what happened today until I was exhausted.
    Last edited by boondockArtist; 17th February 2011 at 01:35 PM.

  13. #13
    that gigantic tub of lard bigJ19's Avatar
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    Default Re: taking flight (non pokemon) CHAPTER 4 UP!!

    Please ignore that last message. It was written by my pet dolphin. I have locked him out and he will not get in again. I've got to go eat this cheeseburger now. HEY!! HOW DID THAT DOLPHIN GET IN HERE!!!

  14. #14
    One lost to time boondockArtist's Avatar
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    Default Re: taking flight CHAPTER 5 UP, and is flyin' out of the nest

    ^ okay.... that was erm... strange, even for you James! Anyway, here's chapter 5:
    ____________________________________________________________________
    Chapter 5-The Flock Meeting
    Cean
    "Cean get up, the flock meeting is today!"
    I woke up to these word that my parents said, unruffled my feathers, and flew over to the "living room" , a separate nest that has the family materials, and announced, "Let's go."
    Our "Family Branch" (house) wasn't very far from the Meeting Tree, so it took us very little time to get there, and we arrived on time for it to start.
    "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen of the flock. Today's meeting is going to concern the time of the year, and the new migration laws. As you all know, the year is coming to an end, with the air turning colder and the sun getting further. This is the sign that we need to migrate." The minister said, but got interrupted by a assistant (probably to tell him to speed it up, as the crowd's falling asleep), so he got to the point; "Ahem... just to brew down what I was going to say, in previous migrations there has been a record of death, murder, getting lost, confusion, et cetera, et cetera. But with my new law, we won't have to worry about that any more by signing this formal document stating whether you're going to go to the south via manually or by flying on larger birds," he finished.
    Liar, I thought. There was never any record of this in any of the leaflets I've read. He just wants all the power he can get! Besides, I don't want to be controlled by an idiot.
    "Now, will everyone fly over and sign your name with your beak in the appropriate area on the document," the minister stated.
    I wasn't going to sign the document, but my mom just kept moving me forward saying; "Keep moving Cean, we don't need any trouble from the minister."
    After we moved up almost to the now filled document, I finally managed to struggle free and fly away in attempt.
    "Guards, get him!" The minister shouted with his face a red tint, with the guards following his command.
    I had almost got away too, but the guards caught up to me and stabbed me in the wing with their beaks until I fainted from blood loss and fell several feet until I fell onto a branch.
    "Now listen here brat. Don't*ever*try to do that again or I'll--" the minister threatened half way when he flew over and put his talon on my beak.
    "Don't do it Agonin, he's just a kid for Huitzilo's sake!" My parents shouted in worry.
    "Fine just this once I'll let it pass, but if it happens again, I'll teach him a lesson, permanently!" The minister muttered darkly.

    ************
    All I know is that three days after that event, I woke up with my mother staring at me with tears in her eyes.
    "Son, you're okay!"
    I wrote these occurrences in the new leaflet I had got from master and went back to sleep


    ---------------------------
    There you go! I added more info on the government, added some backstory to Cean, and included some dark action to it (by the way, the Minister is like a dictator)!
    Last edited by boondockArtist; 4th December 2010 at 05:48 PM.

  15. #15
    that gigantic tub of lard bigJ19's Avatar
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    Default Re: taking flight CHAPTER 5 UP, and is flyin' out of the nest

    For the last time Godo, my name is Billy, James is my brother! (he just thought of the username should be based off him)

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