Summer's Dying Days [oneshot, G8+]

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  1. #1
    Avenging Remora of Doom Jedi_Amara's Avatar
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    Default Summer's Dying Days [oneshot, G8+]

    Summer's Dying Days
    by Jedi_Amara


    For once, characters aren't named after famous musicians, although you could imagine they were if you wanted - although I can't think of any with those names. (OK, fine, maybe I can think of Alex Kapranos from Franz Ferdinand... but he's not named after him.) The story's short. Surely you've realised by now that I don't usually write super-long oneshots.

    Disclaimers: I don't own Pokémon or any related names/indicia. I own my OCs.

    Warnings: Rated G8+ for 'adult' themes.

    Spelling/Language: Australian ('-our', '-tre'). Autumn is the season known as 'fall' in some parts of the world.


    ---------------------------

    The room was white, sterile, stark. A shape lay silently on the low cot; by now, it was fading away, almost ethereal. He sat beside his friend, watching, waiting. He was beyond tears, too tired to let emotion swamp him. Outside the shaded window, the sun still shone on the Bellossom, the Butterfree still frolicked among the white-flowered bushes, but in the room there was only the darkness within that light.

    He remembers...

    Nurse Joy emerges from the operating theatre, a serious look on her usually smiling face. She twists a strand of her hair around her index finger.
    "Alexander, I'm afraid I have some bad news for you," she starts, nervously.
    "Chansey! Chansey," says her Chansey, but it is something even Chansey's miraculous egg cannot help.
    "We found a malignant tumour next to Linoone's spine. It's inoperable," she tells him. Alexander looks confused.
    "I'm sorry. Linoone has cancer."
    Alexander makes an odd noise, almost a bitten-off sob, and runs from the Pokémon Centre, into the sunshine outside.

    She finds him there later, sitting on the edge of the fountain, bathed in rays of light from the dying sun.
    "Nurse Joy told me," she says softly. He turns away, stares into the sunset.
    "You need to talk about it. It'll help."
    Alexander glances into the water, picking at his fingernails.
    "Why now?" he asks finally, bleakly.


    The days were getting shorter now. Soon it would be autumn, with the dead leaves forming a glorious red carpet to cover the ground.

    Dead leaves... Linoone always loved to play in those leaves, burying itself under a layer of them, running through to leave the carpet rippling in its wake.

    "Noone..."
    Linoone was still awake, although barely there. Does it know what's happening to it? he wondered, hoping it didn't.

    He remembers...

    "I won! I won," crows his opponent, but Alexander has eyes for no one other than his best friend, his partner. It seems that Linoone is unable to move, and he is worried. He scoops it into his arms, though it's near as big as he is, and runs for the nearest Pokémon Centre. Emily follows him, leaving the other trainer shouting curses after the two children.


    Patients should not be touched, he knew, but there was nothing more that touching could do to Linoone. Nothing was worse than this slow diminishing of the friend that he had known, now clinging to the last vestiges of life. Reaching out, he laid a hand on Linoone's head, and was rewarded with what could pass for a smile.

    On a whim, he stood, pulled the cord, letting the sun shine through the west-facing window. It lit the flaccid form on the cot, making it seem more alive than it had for a long time. Sinking into the hard chair, he sat and simply stroked the soft fur.

    He remembers...

    Zigzagoon runs by his side, touching one point, then another on the other side of the path, creating an endearingly jagged pattern...

    Zigzagoon runs at a Wurmple, knocking it off its feet with a Headbutt...

    Zigzagoon plays happily in the mud, splashing it all over Alexander and Emily; they look at each other and laugh...

    A white light that comes from the inside - Zigzagoon glows, and changes shape...

    Linoone jumps up, places its paws on his shoulders, chattering gleefully...

    Linoone smashes a rock, giggling at the Shuckle that pokes its head out...

    Linoone dances among the autumn leaves...

    ...the dead leaves...

    ...summer is gone.


    Linoone sighed slightly, summoned some great effort to lift a front leg. They touched once again, hand to paw; then Linoone expelled a final breath, and was gone.

    He stared out the window, into the rich sunset; the sun fell beyond the horizon, ready to return in the morning.

    A single note sounded from the heart monitor, and held. He took the cord in one hand, pulled.

    Silence.

  2. #2
    A black and white world Blackjack Gabbiani's Avatar
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    Your notes are strange...I think the part of the world that uses "fall" uses "autumn" interchangibly, at least the US does anyway.

    Anyway, I think this is the best fic of the lot. It doesn't meander like the others, gets to the point, and pulls it off in a very touching way.

  3. #3
    Small and Deadly
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    That was very well written, and rather touching. Could have been overly sappy but you kept it nice and short.

    One minor thing. You need to pick one tense and stick with it, or reverse the way you've done it, with the italisized bits in past tense(except for the "he remembers") and the rest in present. It's a bit weird having his memories in present tense while the more recent events are in past.
    Riding Fire
    A (very short and completed) original character fanfic about Rapidash Racing.

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    Java Girl Barb's Avatar Retired Staff
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    Very simple, very touching, and also very short. Stories don't have to be multi-part epics to hold the reader's attention.

  5. #5
    Avenging Remora of Doom Jedi_Amara's Avatar
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    Thanks for the comments/suggestions. I also consider this to be my best fic, and it's the one that scored highest on PC too (from the great Frostweaver :3).

    I do strange things with tenses sometimes :) In this case, I used present tense for the memories to kind of go into his mind, so you can feel what he's thinking ^^; Reliving the memories, in a way, if you know what I mean XD

  6. #6
    Small and Deadly
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    I recognize what you were going for; it unfortunately doesn't work that way ^^;; I don't know how to explain it, but it just doesnt't. The only way you can get away with those bits being in present tense is if it's written in the first person POV. It's fine for a character to, in their head, switch to present like that, but you can't do it with the narration.

    I guess you can also pull it off if you change the "He remembers..." to "He remembered..." and not have them be in italics.

    Sorry, I'm just really picky about certain things. Tenses exist because events have an order and if you're going to screw with them you have to do it in a way that says, "Look, I know what I'm doing" and not "Well...I though it'd be cool?" ^^
    Riding Fire
    A (very short and completed) original character fanfic about Rapidash Racing.

  7. #7
    Avenging Remora of Doom Jedi_Amara's Avatar
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    Ah, but I do know what I'm doing :P Kind of XD. I've been writing for years (since I was about 6), I figured it was OK to see if I could pull this off XD. If you don't think it works I'll try something else next time~

  8. #8
    Small and Deadly
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    I don't think it quite works ^^ Something needs to change, even if it's just one of the small things I suggested.

    It is okay to try things. Trying new things is good, because sometimes, they do work and you invent something cool. So don't stop experimenting. Just be aware of the fact that it doesn't always work. ^_^
    Riding Fire
    A (very short and completed) original character fanfic about Rapidash Racing.

  9. #9
    Avenging Remora of Doom Jedi_Amara's Avatar
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    LOL, OK. I won't change this one but I'll keep it in mind XD.

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