Originally Posted by G-Mama
Yeah. I try to put in a lot of neat intricacies, details, and little things you can infer. For example, Fritz had the same impression about the girl in the tank top as Reika did about the girl's mom. And when describing the Gyarados, he notes that it might "only yield to hard bludgeoning," Which is pretty much what he has Tangela do when they battle it. I plan to hopefully make a list of all those little things readers might not notice at some point in the future.
One problem that you persistently have though, throughout both chapters (or is it all three chapters?) is that you switch tenses a lot. I think you're mainly trying to tell the story in the past tense but now and again you switch to "is" instead of "was" and things like "need" instead of "needed". That's something that's easily fixable though.
Two chapters. Although FUN FACT: those were originally one whole before I split it.
And yeah, the semi-present comes out as awkward, sadly. There IS
a payoff/reasoning to it all, but we'll get into that later. ;) I do try to keep a consistency, though - generally speaking, the faster the action or greater Fritz is in-thought, the more of that tense-switching.
At the beginning of this section he knew exactly how long it was until class began. A little inconsistency.
Ack, that's what happens when you write in a weird order. >_< Now that I think about it, though...it might not be necessarily be an inconsistency. After all, the assembly started late. Fritz could've be under the initial pretense that it ended on time, rather than ending later than expected as well.
In fact, I'm not sure Aporon is really that much more of a jerk than Fritz himself. His description of the boy and girl who push Reika over as well as his attitude when he first meets Aporon make him seem like a bit of a mean guy. Still, he's an interesting character, and I'm looking forward to hearing more from him.
Fritz is indeed a jerk, to an extent. He did have a bad impression/opinion of both parties, after all. So it makes sense that he'd use less than pleasant terms to describe them. More on his personality will be revealed as time goes on, naturally.