Oops, I completely missed all of this feedback! I am a terrible author.
Yeah, I'm sick of the bright eyed youths with a penchant for adventure, ready to save the world from the disasters they cause. I was so sick of it that I vowed one day to make my own Pokemon game, and how the story starts off here is pretty much how I brainstormed the start of that story. I wanted to be different, and I guess I did it.
Originally Posted by SuperTrainStationH
Well, I'm imagining Storm Island (or at least the southern coastline) as a very balmy, tropical place. While I myself don't live in a tropical area, my local area gets "warm breezes" on hot days which are anything but refreshing, especially if you're out in direct sunlight. I imagine this would only be worse in humid areas like in the tropics. Although maybe not. You tend to sweat a lot in these areas and the action of the wind hitting your damp skin is often refreshing.
When in the narration you described “A light but refreshing breeze”, I personally find the idea of a “light breeze” to be refreshing in and of itself. The “but” in there doesn’t seem nescessary to me, if you had described “a light, refreshing breeze” I wouldn’t have found anything amiss.
I don't know where I'm going with this, so let's move on.
Ehhh, possibly. I do like to describe things in detail, even if it does end up being too much at times. The better question to ask is... did I overstay my welcome with details on a consistent basis, or was it only here and there that a few details less would have sufficed?
Also, I could suggest when you describe in the narration that “There wasn't a single cloud in sight all the way to the horizon.”, if there wasn’t a single cloud in sight, that would most surely include out the the horizon. What you intended was clear, but perhaps you overdescribed it a bit?
I'm surprised how much I've fallen in love with the name Crimson Crawdaunt. It was something I just pulled out of the air one day when my room mate was talking about Red Lobster. Never thought I'd like it, as I never intended to make it an important thing relating to any of the characters. But I did simply because I thought I was unusually witty with it.
I love your invention of the “Crimson Crawdaunt” restaurant, it’s little touches like that that really make individuals conceptions of the Pokémon world worth checking out in the form of fics.
I intentionally tried to avoid naming any specific denomination of currency, as the franchise has always been very vague about it. The famous "Pokedollar" just sounds dumb to me, so I opted for nameless coins (for now?) that come in iron, brass, silver and gold varieties.
Out of curiosity, with the line “If I had a silver coin for every trainer who did that...”, are you using “silver coin” as a device to allow you to avoid mentioning any particular country’s coins and currency? If so it was a brilliant idea, and even if that wasn’t your intention, the decision to say “silver coin” rather than “nickel” or something like that interests me. Did any particular through to into that?
That, and I'm still not entirely certain on Storm Islands relation to the "Pokemon Nation". It follows Sinnoh in route numbers, but other than that I never really made a connection. My only reference (which I don't believe I've made in the story yet) is that it's far to the south in the middle of the ocean, and as such may not be part of the group of regions we know.
That's my daughter getting through. She only knows "Pikerchu", "Charlizard" and "Bubbysarr". If she comes up with any adorable corruptions for Pokemon names that'd fit the context of Andrea's experience level, I'll be sure to include them :D
Also, it’s cute when Andrea messes up Charizard’s name, but also not at all unrealistic given her background.
Mmm, looking back at it, I'm not sure how I like my portrayal of it. Parts did feel a bit forced, or maybe I did pace it correctly and I just don't feel like I did.
The encounter with Dr. Spruce was neat. It felt exactly like one of those moments from early in the game where someone from your home town gives you a key item or device, without it seeming too contrived.
My idea for the R-Kit was for it to be basically what the Pokedex should have been; an actual index on everything related to Pokemon, ranging from research, battle strategies, coordination skills. I kind of want it to be kind of like the computer system aboard the Enterprise in Star Trek; all knowing, can do no harm and overall just convenient.
The R-Kit is neat! It incorperates ideas like the PokéGear and Poketch into something even better! I’d love for the upcoming generations of Pokémon to have something like that on the bottom screen, incorporating the features of the Gen V C-Gear into something far more useful.
Thanks, I struggled to find a way to portray battles properly. A lot of fanfics I read before I started to write my own were very generic with their battles, very boring. It was tradeback of "Use x, dodge, use y, counterattack with z". So I tried to imagine what it'd be like in the real world, especially to a beginner. We wouldn't have specific names for everything. If you had animals fighting for you, you'd basically just say "go kill that thing!" rather than say "tackle it! bite it! sand attack it!" This means I won't be using move names for the most part, though I'll obviously slip up every now and then. It'll make it easier for me to portray levels of inexperience among my characters, as they won't have the magic knowledge in front of them.
“Alright, Furret... uhh..." she started. "Kick the crap out of that thing!” - while obviously humorous, there’s something very honest and realistic about that moment. It’s kind of unrealistic to expect beginning trainers to always know all their Pokémon’s moves as though they are literally sitting in front of a video game screen with all the options spelled out for them. Same goes for Kyle’s goof of having his Gastly using Shadow Ball.
As for Gastly using Shadow Ball, I chose to do that to show that Kyle basically talks out of his ass about his supposed skill, and this will play heavily into his character development, hopefully.
Most comets probably aren't ideal for travel, yes. They come, they go, and they disappear for decades. However, I chose to make this comet special. I imagine it's quite large in the sky, as it has an orbit that takes it very close to the planet compared to comets in our solar system.
I’m not sure if the comment about people using the comet to navigate by is scientifically accurate since comets move fairly rapidly and wouldn’t nescessarily remain consistent in the night sky, but who cares, we just had a scene with a giant weasel fighting both a giant purse snatching spider and a ghost, some people might get hung up over that, but given the nature of this universe I would consider any serious complaints over that detail in THIS context to be seriously nitpicky.
When I originally conceptualized the comet, I took inspiration from the Red Meteor in Game of Thrones, a ball of fire that hung in the sky, visible during the daytime, used as an omen by some people to show that the dragons had returned, and by others to show the fire god's power. The comet being highly visible and used as a travel aid during its stay in the night sky is meant to symbolize that this comet is important and will be playing a role further on.
All in the plan of "being different", though I think this was mostly me being so god damn tired (or maybe inspired) of the two-week heat wave that plagued my area two years ago.
As this chapter begins I consider for the first time how unusual it is in my experience for someone’s “trainer journey” to begin with inconsistent, non-ideal weather. It usually always seems perfect and sunny, its nice for it to be uncomfortably hot during one of these stories for a change.
Yep. This was a subtle hint that denied Dr. Spruce's superiority, having his assistant say that he's "ahead" of Professor Ansen. She may have a small lab and not as many people working under her, but she doesn't let that stop her from sticking it to Mr. Bigshot.
Wow, they get new R-Kits already! Talk about moving up in the world!
Back before I rewrote this story, Cyndaquil's presence in the fridge was originally meant to be a scary sight for Andrea, who was expecting to just find something cold. This is one of those little things that got carried over into the rewrite but lost its original meaning. I guess I could make something of it in the future, if this Cyndaquil reappears.
Cyndaquil in the fridge! How unexpected! Have to admit, Cyndaquil is not my first choice for a Pokémon that would need to go to such extremes to hide from the heat, but hey, maybe this Cyndaquil is eccentric or something, eh? :P
That is my main aim, to explore how Pokemon have effects on nervous wrecks like Andrea. I fear I'll end up writing her into a comfortable position too quickly, but hopeful
Originally Posted by Kyuuketsuki
Anyways, thanks a bunch for the critique, suggestions and time you've spent reading it!