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  1. #1
    Back on Track BlueRose's Avatar
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    Default The Song

    Disclaimer: I do not own Pokemon or any of the songs I reference in this. It is strongly suggested that you know Pokemon and listen to these songs, though.

    Rated Teen for swearing and possibly gore.


    INDEX:



    Now, I present to you

    The Song

    Chapter 1-Endless Rain

    It was a dark, small city. A lone figure walked the large city streets of the City of Rain. It was always raining, so much so that the sewer system had been blocked up for years. The figure, who was decidedly female, strolled down the street, uncaring that the water was up to her ankles. Her long, wavy copper hair hung limply out from under the hood of her pink jacket, like it had been placed there on purpose. Even if her head hadn't been hung low, her hood still would have hidden her eyes from view. Her white sneakers stood out against the dark gray of the street and the soft grays and blues of the buildings. The street lights flickered behind her, illuminating the cold drops of rain that fell on her.

    This city was known as Rain City, the most infamous city in the Tenkou Region. The only people who ever walked the streets were the inspectors for the water company on the northern side of town, the few trainers who dared to challenge the Rain City Gym, and this girl in pink. She stopped in front of one of the taller gray buildings. The old neon sign above the doors read in bold letters:

    Rain City Hospital
    .

    The girl walked up to the doors and grabbed the small piece of paper on it. On it was printed "Visiting hours over," but the girl walked in anyway. A security guard immediately pushed her back out the door and to the ground, splattering water all over her dark-wash jeans. Her hood slid off her head, revealing her crystal blue eyes that glowed like the rain around her and poofy side bangs that were brushed to the left.

    "Can't you read?! Visitor hours are over!" the guard barked angrily at the thirteen-year-old girl he had pushed to the ground.

    The girl silently got up, brushed herself off, and began walking off in the other direction. She stuck her hands in her now-soaked jean pockets, not even bothering to put her hood back up. Again she walked until she came to another building. This blue building had a neon sign that depicted a cloud and falling rain, the symbol of the Rain City Gym. A young boy in simple t-shirt and shorts ran out the doors and into the freezing rain. He bolted off toward the Pokemon Center, unaware of the girl. She sighed and stepped through the doors.

    The gym was just as she remembered it. There was a thin tile walkway going across a large pool. Almost unseeable jets lined that walkway. These jets would shoot off powerful blasts of water at any trainer that tripped an invisible wire, a wire that was at a different height for each jet. The blasts of water would push a person off the walkway and into the pool where a trainer was waiting to battle, hidden by the thick mist that covered the gym. The girl walked along the walkway, expertly dodging the wires that were scattered across it.

    She made quick time of getting to the Gym Leader's battlefield, an enclosed section of the pool. Another thirteen-year-old girl in a deep gray trench coat was at the far end of the pool working on a fuse box. She growled angrily and shook her head, causing her medium length navy blue hair to shake violently behind her.

    "Need some help?" the girl in the pink jacket asked, causing the blue haired girl to jump and turn around to angrily face the intruder. Her scowl softened to a look of disbelief when she saw who was talking.

    "Sunny?! Is that you?! I haven't seen you in three years! How's it been?" the nave blue haired girl cheered as she saw her old friend.

    "Marina... still as cheerful as ever," Sunny muttered, walking over to the fuse box, the look of indifference never leaving her face. She quietly fixed the fuses and closed the box. "What happened there?" she asked, pointing to the fuse box.


    Marina sighed. "My last challenger hit it with a bad Discharge attack. He short circuited the sprinkler system and almost electrocuted everyone. Not only that, but when he lost, he threw a tantrum. I mean, come on! Someone like that shouldn't be a trainer and..." She cut her rant short, glancing at her quiet companion. "Why are you here, anyway?"

    "What? Is it wrong to congratulate my best friend on becoming Gym Leader?" Sunny questioned, staring up at the ceiling as if it were interesting.

    "No, it's fine. Come on, let's go to my place," Marina said, leading Sunny over to a staircase that was hidden by the mist.

    The interior of the apartment was as dreary as the rain outside. The walls were painted a sky blue color. The windows had no curtains. A black T.V. and couch combo occupied one corner of the large room. The half leading to the bathroom and bedrooms was a kitchen area with white appliances and a simple oak table and chairs. Letters were scattered across the table.

    "Let me take that," Marina said, taking Sunny's jacket and hanging it up on the coat rack next to the door, revealing the plain white t-shirt and teardrop shaped pendant that was filled with shimmering blue water that Sunny was wearing.

    Sunny sat down at the oak table. She glanced at the letters and noticed that two of them were addressed to her.

    "Marina, why do you have my mail?" Sunny asked as the blue haired teen walked into the room.

    "Oh! Those? I was going to have my Pelipper deliver those to you," Marina answered, clearing away the other letters.

    Sunny silently opened the first letter. Marina stared at the envelope, which was from the hospital. She quietly maneuvered to stand behind Sunny. Both read the letter,

    Dear Miss Sunny Akimora:

    The payment for a Mr. Hikaru Akimora's hospital bill is required by June 2nd. The total is 500,000 P. If this fee is not paid by the required date, your brother will be taken out of our care
    -Dr. Neil Harthway

    "Sunny..." Marina said, staring at her friend.

    Sunny touched her pendant and closed her eyes. She could remember her older brother's smiling face as he handed it to her on her tenth birthday, the day of his Tenkou League Championship battle, and the day he fell into his coma. That was the last time she had truly smiled, a day almost four years ago. His shaggy black hair and copper eyes seemed to shine as he handed her her first Pokemon, a Piplup offspring of his Empoleon. A tear trickled down her cheek as she muttered the twenty-five year old's name. "Hikaru..."

    "What does the other one say?" Marina asked, trying to distract Sunny from the thoughts of her brother, who was still in a coma in the Rain City Hospital.

    Sunny absentmindedly opened the second letter. It read:

    Dear Sunny,

    I need your help. Tomorrow I'm supposed to give out this year's starter Pokemon, but I've been called out to the annual Professor's Conference, held in Hoenn this year. Three trainers should arrive to pick either a Treecko, a Cyndaquil, or a Squirtle. If a fourth trainer arrives, he/she is to be given a Castform.
    Thanks in advance,
    Professor Redwood


    Sunny scanned the top of the page. She sighed a sigh of relief when she realized that it had that day's date, May 30, printed on it. The small clock in the apartment read 11:45 P.M. in bright red letters. The Professor's lab was in Breeze Town, which was five hours away on foot and it would take two hours to do a maintenance check of the lab. Trainers usually showed up at 7:00 A.M. at earliest, so the logical answer would be to sleep and then fly there in the morning on a flying Pokemon. Just as she thought this, thunder rumbled in the distance. She pulled out a small black rectangular device, a PokeGadget, and pressed the weather forecast button.

    "I should get going," Sunny said, staring at the screen that called for heavy thunderstorms all week.

    "You're leaving already?" Marina asked nervously.

    "Yeah... I am," Sunny muttered, getting up and grabbing her jacked. She left without even a good-bye.

    "What happened to my cheerful best friend? I want her back..." Marina whispered to the air.

    ---------------------

    So, tell me if you like this. Seriously. Review it. Please?
    Last edited by BlueRose; 14th August 2011 at 09:59 PM.
    Check out my fanfic: The Song

    Stop the hate.
    I don't calculate stat values, and I don't care about natures. I catch my Pokemon the way they are. I just play the game normally. If you agree copy & paste this in your sig.

  2. #2
    May Still Have Hope TeamGalacticMercury's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Song (Possible PG-13)

    Nice job!!! One question- you say that the water is ankle-deep and that the sewer is plogged. That water must be muddy, so why tell about the shoes?

  3. #3
    Back on Track BlueRose's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Song (Possible PG-13)

    Huh... I'm not sure. I think I just wanted to get her outfit down.
    Check out my fanfic: The Song

    Stop the hate.
    I don't calculate stat values, and I don't care about natures. I catch my Pokemon the way they are. I just play the game normally. If you agree copy & paste this in your sig.

  4. #4
    BF Author alster08's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Song (Possible PG-13)

    Nice! It has a very detailed discription.

  5. #5
    Let's get funky! Gama's Avatar Former Head Administrator
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    Default Re: The Song (Possible PG-13)

    I really like this story. You've done really well in creating your own region, I can really get a good feel of it and I can seriously imagine myself becoming a fan of this. Just please don't do what so many writers of fanfiction do, which is give up on their fanfics or update horrendously irregularly.

    On a grammatical note - you don't need a comma at the end of speech if you already have ellipsis (that is three full stops). You need to do a proof read, just to iron out a few basic errors, you'll be able to spot them, I think they were typos rather than actual mistakes. There were two that I noticed, but I can't remember where they were.

    Anyway, I'm really looking forward to seeing more. Oh, one thing I noticed was, I can't help but think a letter like that about Sunny's brother would probably include her brother's first name and surname. You soon told us his name was Hikaru, I just think that would've been a quicker and more realistic way of telling us.

    I think it's really cool that her first Pokemon was his Pokemon's offspring btw. I think the City of Rain sounds cool and it's really interesting that the main character is flying off to give some kids their starting pokemon. The choice of Pokemon is interesting, a mixture of regions. I'm curious as to what has happened to Hikaru's Pokemon during the last four years - has Sunny taken over their care?

    My main concern is that your username and character's name are very similar. One thing that tends to ruin a story is when the writer makes themselves into a character. Obviously that isn't a hard and fast rule and it's probably worked many times but as a general rule, that isn't a brilliant way of doing things.

    Anyway, on the whole, this was very good and I will definitely be reading. Keep it up.

  6. #6
    Back on Track BlueRose's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Song (Possible PG-13)

    Hey, thanks to anyone who has read or posted on this. And thanks Gastly's Mama for nominating this in the Best Other Fic category of the Fanfiction Awards. I was really touched when I saw that. I'm currently writing Chapter 2 and I hope to get that up soon. I will reveal that one of the new trainers joins Sunny (much to her dislike) and I'd like to see if anyone can guess what starter he/she will have. (Hah! I'm not revealing the new character's gender yet! You'll just have to find out yourself.)

    Again, thank-you anyone who has read this story and commented on it. Just knowing that people are taking the time to read this is really encouraging to me.
    Check out my fanfic: The Song

    Stop the hate.
    I don't calculate stat values, and I don't care about natures. I catch my Pokemon the way they are. I just play the game normally. If you agree copy & paste this in your sig.

  7. #7
    Hyper Satellite Cannon! Bishie Karis-chan's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Song (Possible PG-13)

    I've been wanting to comment on this from Day 1, I just couldn't figure out what to say. But now I do: This looks promising, and I'll be waiting for Chapter 2!

  8. #8
    Back on Track BlueRose's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Song (Possible PG-13)

    Finally! I FINALLY finished Chapter 2! I had up to Chapter for written when my computer deleted the files and I haven't had time to rewrite them due to summer homework.

    "You need to read 'To Kill a Mockingbird', 'Anthem', and 'The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens', all while doing 500 math problems that could be either algebra or geometry. We don't know which, and neither do you!"

    That's basically what it sounds like to me. 'To Kill a Mockingbird' is killing me! I had to buy a book that summarizes the whole story and rent the movie and I still don't get it!

    Anyway, that's enough complaining. You probably don't even care about what this section says. This chapter was a lot of fun to write... At 12 AM... On coffee...


    Chapter 2- The Mystery of the Mansion

    Sunny silently strolled down the rain filled streets. She had had it with the dreary town she was in. She sighed as she remembered growing up here. Her only friends were her brother and Marina and now her brother was in a coma and Marina would be too busy with her job to talk very much, something unusual for the blue-haired girl.

    Thunder rumbled and lightning flashed across the sky. Sunny looked down and pulled a simple red-and-white Poke Ball from her pocket. This simple sphere held her ticket to anywhere in the world, her Staraptor. A quick glance at the sky and she put the Poke Ball away. The weather was too dangerous to just fly away unless she wanted to get electrocuted.

    “Stupid rain,” she muttered under her breath, kicking a rock that disappeared into the darkness that seemed abundant in the city. She cursed under her breath remembering that she still had a few hours until she had to be at the lab. Although handing out starters wouldn’t be enjoyable for her, it was still something to do, and that was better than nothing.

    Sunny continued wandering until she came upon the city entrance, or for her, the city exit. She took one last glance back at the deserted streets before exiting Rain City. She knew that there were no rest stops or hotels or, really, anything on Route 503, the route that connected Rain City to the ever popular Breeze Town. She didn’t care. Outside of Rain City, rain was almost nonexistent. All rain was because of Pokémon, except for the rain in her little hometown. Sleeping under the stars in a grassy patch was always an option, and that suited Sunny just fine.

    Route 503 was always a pleasant route, even at midnight. The sky was always clear, there was always a breeze, it was quiet, and people rarely ever came down the dirt path that was the route, anyway. Sunny didn’t know why this section of the region had few visitors, nor did she particularly care as long as she got some peace and quiet. She strolled down the street, letting the wind dry off her clothes and her hair and taking in the sounds of the night, although they were very few. She closed her eyes as she walked, listening to the grass rustling and the soft chirps of Kricketot and Kricketune in the distance. She continued walking, listening to the sound and taking in the moonlight until the moonlight stopped shining on her. She opened her eyes, expecting a cloud to be over the moon, but was shocked when she realized the true reason that the moon was no longer there. She was standing in the shadow of a huge mansion.

    “Huh? I’ve never seen this place before, and I’ve walked this route more than anyone else,” Sunny muttered to herself. She had genuine right to be confused. This mansion seemed to be incredibly old. Moss covered the brick walls of the colossal building, the iron that the balconies were made of seemed to be rusty, and some of the shutters had fallen off of their respective windows. There was no gate, only a single cobblestone path that led to the front doors.

    Sunny stepped closer to the mysterious place. As she did, the wind howled, seemingly in warning to stay back. This didn’t bother the girl at all. In fact, it seemed to pose a challenge, daring her to step foot in the building that shouldn’t have been there, and she had never refused a challenge before, so she walked confidently toward the building. She strolled right up to the door and opened it, letting a blast of icy cold wind free from the ghostly manor. Stepping inside, she closed the door, letting it echo loudly throughout the silent building.

    “Helooo? Anyone here?” she asked sarcastically, chuckling at her poor attempt at a joke. She was startled when she heard a child’s voice.

    “Who’s there? Are you going to hurt me? I-I’ll scream,” a high-pitched, feminine voice called out from the darkness.

    “I’m Sunny. I’m, uhhh, sorry I barged in like this. I was just curious about who lives here, that’s all. Are you all alone here? What’s your name?” Sunny responded with mock-kindness. The last thing she needed was for some family to call the cops on her.

    “I-I’m Kasumi. I’m not alone, but nobody lives here anymore,” the little girl responded. She shuffled forward a little into the moonlight. Her face was still shrouded in darkness, but her clothes could be easily made out. Bare feet, a pink dress, and even a small plush doll she was holding were made visible in the moonlight.

    “But you live here, right? Do Pokémon live here? Is that what you meant?” Sunny asked irritably. She had no tolerance for people who refused to give straight answers. She stepped forward a little to see if she could make out the girl’s face and somehow ended up standing right in front of the child. Huh? I only remember taking one step… Do I have short term memory loss or something? She thought, trying to place a logical explanation on the situation.

    “Do you fear the darkness? Do you dwell in the light? Are you lonely because your loved ones are gone? Do you wish you could go back in time to save them?” Kasumi queried ominously. She looked up, her short, black hair falling off her face to reveal glowing golden eyes.

    “Answer my questins first,” Sunny demanded. Something in the back of her mind told her to run, but she didn’t listen. She wasn’t listening to anything anymore. Her mind was racing, trying to put logic to what was happening and failing. No eyes looked like that… None. The wind picked up outside and wind began howling inside as well. Moans were heard echoing throughout the rooms and corridors. Any sane person would have run away right then, trying to convince themselves that it was a nightmare, but Sunny stayed. She never ran away. Ever. It had gotten her into some trouble in the past, but nothing could compare to this.

    “Fine, then.” Kasumi said, her voice becoming demonic. “Nobody lives here because nobody here lives. Congratulations, Sunny! You just found the House of Abandoned Souls. Prepare to join us. I believe you will make a fine addition to my toys… I still need a loner, and I believe that you’ll do nicely!” The demon-girl lunged at Sunny, who spun around and ran for the door. Kasumi grabbed her leg causing Sunny to fall to the ground. She struggled against the incredible strength of the girl, who slowly made her way to look Sunny in the eye while still holding her down with what seemed like a psychic force.

    “Back off or I swear I’ll-”

    “You’ll what?” Kasumi giggled, amused at the fight her prey was giving her. Most people didn’t have the willpower to even move once she used her psychic powers on them. Sunny didn’t respond, so the demon-girl continued taunting her. “You seem to have some bad memories. What better way to kill you then to let the pain from your past consume you until you can’t take it anymore?”

    Kasumi stared straight into Sunny’s eyes, searching for just the right memories to destroy her prey with. She stopped when she found one that would suffice. The demon-child focused on that memory for a few seconds before standing up to examine her work. Sunny’s eyes had gone slightly out of focus. Her body was twitching slightly and her ears kept ringing with a memory of the sound of of her own scream. Kasumi smiled sadistically, watching the girl shake. The only thing that would make this kill more fun than any other would be if Sunny screamed. Not just a yelp of pain or a small shout, but a blood-curdling scream. That, however never happened.

    “I won’t just sit here… and die, you know…? I’m stronger… than anyone you’ve ever met before. I’m not… some little brat’s play thing,” Sunny muttered, trying to sound confident. She slowly got up to her feet and ran as fast as she could to what she hoped was the door. Her vision was blurred. She was off balance, tripping over her own feet. Kasumi shrieked, angered by the fact that someone was actually fighting back and succeeding, but by the time she regained her composure, Sunny was out of the house.

    Sunny walked a few steps away from the door before she collapsed. Pain and exhaustion took over her body as she lay on the grass, twitching. Although unconscious, her eyes were half open.

    ---------------------

    Mansions and demons and ghosts... Oh my!

    Hahahahahah! Don't be shy. Review this, please! I can't get better if you don't help me.

    Oh! And thanks to anyone who wished me a Happy Birthday. As usual, there was a thunderstorm where I live that day. I love thunder, so that was great. (Btw, I did absolutely nothing that day.) Thanks!
    Check out my fanfic: The Song

    Stop the hate.
    I don't calculate stat values, and I don't care about natures. I catch my Pokemon the way they are. I just play the game normally. If you agree copy & paste this in your sig.

  9. #9
    Hyper Satellite Cannon! Bishie Karis-chan's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Song (Possible PG-13)

    ...Wow. That was freaky. I'm surprised someone like Sunny was that resilient.

    What can I say? Keep up the good work.

  10. #10
    May Still Have Hope TeamGalacticMercury's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Song (Possible PG-13)

    I loved it! Demon girl <3 Very nice chapter

  11. #11
    Back on Track BlueRose's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Song (Possible PG-13)

    All right! Chapter 3! I'm going to try and update every Saturday now. Oh and also, I'M BACK!!!! I'm going to give some characters character themes. Sunny's theme is...
    Emotion/ Unwavering Emotions from Pokemon Black and White

    I also have artwork of Sunny in my gallery. LINK

    Chapter 3- New Trainers, New Problems

    “…he’s not…”

    “I swear! It was an accident!”

    “Hello…?”

    “…I can’t…”

    “Hey! Wake up!”

    Sunny groaned. The world started coming into focus as she blinked a few times. Her whole body was sore and she had a splitting headache. It took her a few seconds to realize that someone was shaking her and shouting in her ear.

    “Are you alive?! Come on! Respond or something!” the voice shouted, clearly worried.

    “Stop screaming in my ear…” Sunny muttered, getting into a somewhat upright position so that she could shout in whoever was yelling’s face. Her heart almost stopped when she saw his face, though.

    He looked just like Hikaru. He had the same brown eyes and the look he was giving her now was exactly like Hikaru’s worried look. Sunny blinked up at him before mentally sighing. Whoever this was, he was obviously a kid, ten years old at most. His hair was also different. Where Hikaru would have had slightly shaggy black hair, this kid had scarlet hair that spiked out in all directions, partially covered by a gold cap awkwardly placed on his head. Sunny was amazed that this kid’s face looked so mature, or maybe it was the fact that her brother always acted like a little kid that made their faces similar.

    “Where… where’s the demon…?” Sunny asked.

    “Huh? What are you talking about?” The boy gave Sunny an odd look as he said this.

    “The one in the mansion…” Sunny muttered.

    “There is no mansion. At least, not here,” he replied. Sunny looked behind her and, sure enough, there was nothing there. She looked back up at this mysterious boy, trying hard to read his face and see if he was lying about knowing nothing about the mansion.

    The kid fidgeted a little. Sunny was staring at him like he was a criminal that needed to be caught and it was making him nervous. He quickly glanced away before he began talking. “What were you doing out here at 10:00 in the morning? I’ve never seen anyone out on this route before.”

    “10:00?!” Sunny shouted, jumping up onto her feet, completely forgetting about the mansion. She didn’t care that her body ached as she got up, 10:00 was three hours past the time she should have been at Professor Redwood’s lab to hand out starters. It was true Sunny hated kids, the one who woke her up included, but she made a promise to be there as Professor Redwood was one of the only people she liked in the world.

    Sunny ran to the middle of the dirt path that led to Breeze Town and reached into her pocket to pull out her Staraptor’s Poke Ball. She brushed her hand past one, the ball belonging to her Empoleon, and moved her hand around some more before she realized that that was the only Poke Ball in her pocket. She checked all of her other pockets, but her Staraptor’s Poke Ball was nowhere to be found. Sunny was usually calm. This was one of the times when she wasn’t. She sent her Empoleon out and started shouting and freaking out. The blue penguin Pokémon gave its trainer a quizzical look before Sunny shouted the problem.

    “Aquamarine! Melody’s Poke Ball is gone!” the trainer girl shouted to her large blue penguin, who in turn stared at her trainer in shock. Sunny never lost anything, let alone her Poke Balls. The two immediately started searching for the missing object, but did, eventually, give up.

    The Emperor Pokémon made a sound typical of its species, which Sunny took to mean that it was upset that they lost not only a good friend, but the only means of transportation they had from place to place besides walking. Sunny sighed in response. Now how am I going to get to Breeze Town, Sunny thought to herself, but almost as in response, the kid from before piped up.

    “If you need to get somewhere fast, you can use my bike,” he said, pointing to a bright red bicycle tossed carelessly on the ground.

    Without a word, Sunny recalled her Pokémon and grabbed the bike. She got on and began pedaling away without even a thank-you or goodbye to the person who lent her his bike.
    “If you go to Breeze Town, could you tell them that ‘Damien’ is out here? My family lives there.” The kid called out. Sunny gave a quick thumbs-up before pedaling full force toward her destination.

    ---

    Sunny pedaled as hard as she could and within 45 minutes, she had reached Breeze Town. She skidded to a halt and dropped the bike on the ground. The many hills that made up Breeze Town were a pain to navigate a bike over and any path around the hills was covered in tall grass. She ran with the wind that was blowing through the town and finally arrived at the Redwood Labs. She burst through the doors of the lab to come face to face with the professor’s right hand man, his assistant Dr. Usagi. The tall man stared menacingly down at the girl, who stared up threateningly back at him.

    “Where have you been?” the researcher asked Sunny, distaste apparent in his voice.

    “I lost my Staraptor and had to take the long way here,” she replied curtly.

    “You just missed all of the trainers coming in. We had to give out all of the starters instead, which has set our research behind, thank-you very much,” the man replied, pushing up the glasses that framed his face.

    “I’m very sorry,” Sunny replied sarcastically, turning to walk toward the back of the lab.

    Dr. Usagi ran a hand through his neatly combed black hair. “First the Professor’s grandson goes missing and now you come in late… What else could go wrong?”

    Sunny stopped walking and looked back quizzically at Dr. Usagi. “I didn’t know Redwood had a grandson,” she stated flatly.

    The doctor looked back at Sunny before responding, “Yes, his grandson’s name is Damien Redwood.”

    -----------------------------------

    Well? How was it? Comment or review. If you liked this, encourage me. If you didn't, tell me why.
    Last edited by BlueRose; 18th July 2011 at 06:51 PM.
    Check out my fanfic: The Song

    Stop the hate.
    I don't calculate stat values, and I don't care about natures. I catch my Pokemon the way they are. I just play the game normally. If you agree copy & paste this in your sig.

  12. #12
    Hyper Satellite Cannon! Bishie Karis-chan's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Song (Possible PG-13)

    Staraptor's missing!? That's not good! I hope he gets found soon. D:

  13. #13
    Registered User NeoMiniTails's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Song (Possible PG-13)

    Hmm... I've just finished reading your three chapters. Very nice...

    Chapter One:
    question: Is this Marina the same girl from Chronicles? I doubt it...

    So we're introduced to your main character whom is well-written. I do enjoy your beautiful characterization of her, making her backstory fit with her personality. I found myself feeling pity for the young girl, appreciating that you discreetly didn't over-emphasize the dramatic death of her brother, making it easier to feel for your character.

    I also found that your simple explanation of her brother's relationship to be touching...

    -----
    Now, I believe there was one misspelled word but I went back to go check but being lazy, I didn't find it for I got too lazy after scanning one paragraph. And, to be honest, I'm not sure if my brain is still thinking about the last fic I read.
    ----

    The City of Rain & Marina:

    Your description was very realistic of the city, I went to check to see if the city was real on bulbapedia. It gave me a nice visual of the city and oddly, I was reminded of the depressingly wonderfully made Gothan City.

    While Marina is only a bg character, I like her and how she seemed to kno Marina so well in the story.
    -----
    The letters:
    nice. Good job.
    ------
    Chapter Two and three:
    Really good! Excellent! The creepy girl came off as actually creepy.

    Recently one of my associates wrote a story involving Sabrina, the season psychic because he wanted a creepy character for the fictional piece.

    Nevertheless, she, although an amazing chactacter.

    The little boy said his own was Damien, right? How exciting...

    Both chapters were amazing. Update soon.

    - Neo

    PS: Could you read the story I posted called: Our Intertwined.

    Q: Will there will be any canon vhati
    Can you hear me?

  14. #14
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    Default Re: The Song (Possible PG-13)


  15. #15
    Back on Track BlueRose's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Song (Possible PG-13)

    Quote Originally Posted by NeoMiniTails View Post
    Hmm... I've just finished reading your three chapters. Very nice...

    Chapter One:
    question: Is this Marina the same girl from Chronicles? I doubt it...

    So we're introduced to your main character whom is well-written. I do enjoy your beautiful characterization of her, making her backstory fit with her personality. I found myself feeling pity for the young girl, appreciating that you discreetly didn't over-emphasize the dramatic death of her brother, making it easier to feel for your character.

    I also found that your simple explanation of her brother's relationship to be touching...

    -----
    Now, I believe there was one misspelled word but I went back to go check but being lazy, I didn't find it for I got too lazy after scanning one paragraph. And, to be honest, I'm not sure if my brain is still thinking about the last fic I read.
    ----

    The City of Rain & Marina:

    Your description was very realistic of the city, I went to check to see if the city was real on bulbapedia. It gave me a nice visual of the city and oddly, I was reminded of the depressingly wonderfully made Gothan City.

    While Marina is only a bg character, I like her and how she seemed to kno Marina so well in the story.
    -----
    The letters:
    nice. Good job.
    ------
    Chapter Two and three:
    Really good! Excellent! The creepy girl came off as actually creepy.

    Recently one of my associates wrote a story involving Sabrina, the season psychic because he wanted a creepy character for the fictional piece.

    Nevertheless, she, although an amazing chactacter.

    The little boy said his own was Damien, right? How exciting...

    Both chapters were amazing. Update soon.

    - Neo

    PS: Could you read the story I posted called: Our Intertwined.

    Q: Will there will be any canon vhati
    Wow. Thanks for the review. It's nice to know that people are starting to read this story more.

    Here you stated that Hikaru was dead, however I stated that he was in a coma. I just don't want you to get confused.

    And, what is a vhati? I'm sorry, I just have no idea what that is.
    Check out my fanfic: The Song

    Stop the hate.
    I don't calculate stat values, and I don't care about natures. I catch my Pokemon the way they are. I just play the game normally. If you agree copy & paste this in your sig.

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