TEEN: Seviper's Journey

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Thread: Seviper's Journey

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    Marukaite Chikyuu~ ShinySceptile1's Avatar
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    Talking Seviper's Journey

    This is one of my first shots at fanfiction, so constructive criticism is always appreciated!

    One-

    Seviper looked up. The sky was so clear, unlike the tall grass below it. Seviper and Zangoose were scattered everywhere, some dead, some alive. It was a battle to the end- one that she couldn't take part in.

    Somehow it felt like a betrayal to hide in safety while her parents were raked by savage claws on that distant battlefield. Though, her exclusion from the clash was simply because her level was too low to be of use, so despite Seviper's uneasy feelings she was grudgingly grateful for that safety. Yet... the group of mongoose-like Pokemon had a gleeful light in their eyes. They were winning. Every snake in the valley was outnumbered two to one.

    Seviper couldn't take any more. She closed her eyes. Maybe it was a dream? No, it wasn't. A Zangoose who had strayed from the crowd ran past her, claws wet with both the evidence of the failed poison attack and- she closed her eyes. Of course blood was natural in battle, but the thought of it being on her worst enemy's evil claws was sickening beyond all recognition.

    Just as a snake's luck would have it, the Zangoose noticed the slight movement, and saw the helpless Seviper trapped between two tree stumps, a gesture that was supposed to save her life. He inched closer, the thought of an easy win seeming to sharpen his claws. The helpless reptile thrashed about, entirely unable to reach out just a few feet and deliver a savage wound. The scarred mammal standing imperiously in front of her just laughed roughly at her weakness, raising his claws up in a deadly and gloating manner. The snake looked at the background, preparing for the final slash that would end her so early. Or would it? Her friends and family were fighting savagely, so why couldn't she? Seviper resolved to keep striking with any means until her eminent doom, both through words, and by physical use if she could just lure the Pokemon in front of her a few inches closer....

    "You don't wan't to do this!" The Zangoose's demeanor of pure relish vanished in an instant. It was obvious that these Pokemon did not appreciate being told what to do on any level. He spat at her with more venom than any Seviper could ever hold, "Don't tell me what to do! Give me one good reason why I shouldn't kill you, and I'll make sure you go quickly and painlessly, unlike the rest."

    "M-My family will get to you and tear you apart!"

    The mongoose sighed, replying in a flaunting, uninterested manner. "Guess what? Most of you serpents are on the ground, dead. Corpses don't attack as far as I know, so I don't think I have anything to be worried about."

    "I... don't... care!"

    The Poison-type suddenly redoubled her struggles, only restoring the smile on the twisted Zangoose's face. He had a sudden strike of inspiration.

    "Here- let me help." he said before lunging at her chest. The sick shadow of a Pokemon raked his claws down her scales, all too easily slicing through. Seviper felt blood dripping down her chest, accompanied by searing pain and the hearty chuckles of the killer she'd grown to loath with a frosty passion.

    Her first scar. Zangoose stepped back again, admiring his work. "There. At least now you'll die with a Seviper's stupid trademark cut down your throat. Now, back to your real reason. Why shouldn't I kill you?" He barely inched towards her, possibly preparing for another strike if he didn't like her negotiating- but this snake wouldn't stand for that again if she could help it.

    Riding on a burst of adrenaline and primal instinct, the venomous snake found the strength to wrap what little she could then use of her tail around the foul mammal. He was not expecting this abrupt stunt, of course, and could do nothing as the harsh tables of battle were turned. The choking mongoose struggled, though his efforts were futile. Seviper continued to exert more and more pressure onto the smaller body, slowly squeezing the life out of the abhorrent Zangoose like an almost empty tube of toothpaste.

    "Okay!" he gasped in a strangled whisper. "If you let me go, I'll help you....I promise...." This took Seviper aback and a small Wurmple of doubt began to form in the back of her mind.

    "Let me go!" the Pokemon was getting weaker.... The heavily fanged snake realized with a jolt that she hadn't stopped asphyxiating him. Though, she didn't want to kill, as much as she loathed the creature that she held in her coils much like a Vanillish would loathe ice-cream trucks.

    "Fine!" Seviper set Zangoose free right where she could strike again, but not before harshly tightening her coils just one more time to snap his claws.
    Last edited by ShinySceptile1; 10th March 2013 at 09:18 AM.
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    Default Re: Seviper's Journey

    Two-

    “Ughh....er...” Zangoose's voice seemed to cut through the rumbling chaos of battle as he looked at his mangled, slightly bleeding claws. It was obvious that this was nothing like what he had expected.

    Seviper stayed silent, praying to Arceus that this mammalian Pokemon had no other tricks up its sleeve, that he had been telling the truth in the first place and wasn't a liar as well as a murderer. The Zangoose almost appeared to have picked up on her train of thought.

    “Here,” he said, torn between shock, rage, and... something else. "I know what you just did and I detest you for it, but I'm still willing to lead you to somewhere else, where you'll be safe for the remainder of this battle. Follow me."

    Not wanting to show weakness despite her aching wound, Seviper replied with the coldness of a Glaceon.

    “No, you lying warmblood, I'm not going to mindlessly follow you to some trap. In fact, take a step closer to me and I'll make sure not a sound comes from you again!"

    This was, of course, a bluff. The Fang Snake wanted nothing to do with killing, let alone fainting anything, whether Weedle or Zangoose.

    “Whatever. I just gave you the opportunity of your short, sad lifetime, and you threw it away.” the Cat Ferret Pokemon growled.

    With that final sentence still ringing in Seviper's hearing organs, he lifted his head towards the heavens, proceeding to let out a mind-bending screech that seemed to rend the air itself. Seviper had no appendages to cover her ears, and was therefore left in a pained daze after the cacophony finally ended.

    Outside the cautiousness of that particular serpent, however, every Zangoose in the bloodstained valley immediately raised their claws to their eyes in a well-drilled salute. This particular Zangoose who antagonized Seviper was, after all, their commander in chief, their leader.

    “We have won this battle. Lucky for these sad little reptiles, we won't be forcing them to extinction during this sunset. However, let us take a small... souvenir in memoriam of our humiliating victory.”

    He gestured toward the mewling Seviper behind him with a malicious glint in his eye. “See these claws?” he asked, speaking to both the Pokemon in front of him and the group of three dozen or so other Zangoose of his species. “This pathetic, idiotic, excuse of a worm did this to me in its natural cold-blooded treachery. We'll drag this thing back to camp, where it will be punished beyond all recognition.”

    Every standing Seviper in the crowd wriggled uneasily, having recovered from the harsh Screech but still in a different state of futility. None were willing to protect the small snake about to be taken hostage.

    The leader Zangoose smiled. It looked like a twisted thing, as though he had never seen true happiness in his life.

    The lone Seviper in question, a dozen feet from the majority of the crowd and yet right on the spotlight, finally raised her head. If only to wipe that smirk off that arrogant face, she'd fight like she never had.

    “I'm... not... an... it.” She, in a bubbling fit of rage, shot a stream of acid at the mongoose in front of her. He dodged the attack as though it were a laughable BubbleBeam before effortlessly using the tip of perhaps his only uninjured claw to finish off the weaker Fang Snake Pokemon. The last thing the serpent saw before curling up in a faint was the countenance of the mammal. I hate them all, she thought. THUD!

    A trio of Zangoose marched from the small group of Pokemon, picked her limp body up, pulled her from the tree that bound her, and dragged their load to camp before the eyes of her watching relatives.
    ..................................................


    I would absolutely love constructive criticism! Also, sorry, for some reason my indents won't work.
    Last edited by ShinySceptile1; 24th February 2013 at 08:29 AM.
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    Default Re: Seviper's Journey

    Ooo, great so far! I'm looking forward to the next chapter. :D

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    Default Re: Seviper's Journey

    Quote Originally Posted by Kululu View Post
    Ooo, great so far! I'm looking forward to the next chapter. :D
    Thanks! ^^ I'm so glad that people like it! Anyways, I'll try and get on another this weekend or Friday. :D
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    Default Re: Seviper's Journey

    Hey ShinySceptile, I saw your fic and decided to take a look. I was initially interested in the story firstly because it was new, and I'm interested in reading new stories popping up on the forum lately, and secondly because while stories from a pokemon's perspective aren't exactly uncommon, stories from a Seviper's perspective are, I feel. It seemed an interesting pokemon to choose, so I figured I would give it a shot. I wanted to see where you would go with it, and I'm glad I did! I've written a review here for you, so I hope that you find it useful to your writing.

    So far I find your characterization to be excellent. Zangoose and Seviper being mortal enemies is completely canon, I like that you took advantage of that fact. Jumping into a fierce battlefield between the two groups of pokemon was a great choice and I think it works well here. We don't know much about the main character yet, but what I've seen so far, I like. That she seems to have a heightened sense of morality and empathy is, I think, a different interpretation of a Seviper than usual (as snakes, people usually make them evil.) The role switch, with Zangoose being in the villainous role and Seviper in the sympathetic one feels pretty fresh, and I'm digging it. Seviper herself, while we haven't seen much of her, seems spunky but also sweet, and I like her a lot. The Zangoose chief comes of as appropriately menacing but his offer to bring her to safety implies a bit of depth, which is awesome. I'm really interested in his character in particular and I hope to see more of him. I think my soft spot for badasses is showing O_O

    Aside from this, there's really not that much I can say yet in terms of plot, since this is such a short two chapters, and because nothing stood out to me as bad and its a little early to make judgements, so I'll come back to this in the future when there's more to talk about. Let me just say I think so far you're doing well, and I want to see more. I'm already pondering what could happen to her when she wakes up from her faint. Will she be a prisoner of the chief mongoose because he just can't bring himself to kill her and they fall in love and make peace between their clans? Well, maybe not, but I'm a romantic! I can dream, can't I? I can and I will.

    I find it interesting that the pokemon don't have names. While as wild pokemon I can easily see that that might be the case, I worry that this might make things confusing in the future, if you start getting into multiple characters who are the same species. Now you will know better than I will how much of a problem that will be, but it's something to keep in mind. If you don't intend to give any names but still have more than one pokemon of the same species, I'll suggest having Seviper give characters names or certain ways of referring to different character that are the same species, at least to herself. This though will again depend on where this goes. I also want to mention the length of your chapters. I can't help wishing that they were longer. Just a little bit. I personally love long chapters (and by long, I mean like, +10k words at least), but I think chapters as short as 1k~1,500 or so can be effective. Right now yours are about 600-ish. What you have works here for me since you had two chapters up for me to read, which equals about that 1,500 range, so it was like reading one chapter. But really, chapters as short as your now worry me a little. I feel like anything shorter than 1k words risks bad pacing and makes it harder for readers to stay interested, as so little can happen in each chapter when they are that short. I would highly recommend trying to stretch out your chapters to around 1,000 words, especially since you are so close already. I just think it would make your chapters a little more effective, and help things along as you go and really get into the story. I'll admit though, that this is somewhat of a personal preference.

    Now for the technical aspects, that is to say spelling, grammar, etc. For the most part it was clean and well done. I saw a couple little mistakes in punctuation, but you'd used punctuation correctly most of the rest of the time, so I assume they are type-os, and not bother talking about them. Just go over you chapters again and you'll probably be able to eliminate them completely, so good job there.

    You're writing was pretty stilted in a few places int he first chapter, with very short, staccato sentences, and that threw me off in the beginning, especially in the first paragraph, but luckily it resolves itself later and you no longer do that. Since it's pretty isolated I think this is mostly a case of start-of-the-story-wonkiness (the beginning of stories are almost always wonky in some ways on the first draft for some reason. I am not remotely immune to this, mine tend to be too O_O), I'll still address it, though.

    Now, in that third paragraph, I think it can stay that way. It actually sort of gives an interesting distant feel, as if even though Seviper is there and watching, she's having trouble processing it, as it's so intense an experience, seeing all that battle and death. In the first paragraph, though, you write this:

    The sky was so clear. Unlike the tall grass below it.
    Now this definitely needs combined with a comma. Putting the period in between there renders that second sentence a fragment and unintelligible without a second read. There are plenty of instances where a writer doesn't have to worry too much about writing sentence fragments, especially in dialogue or if they are being very informal, but here I think it's really necessary to eliminate it. When I leave off that first sentence and then start the next one and read, "Unlike the grass below it," as a separate statement, I'm like "Wait...what unlike what?". It's confusing, I'm expecting more to explain what the grass is unlike and why, when really the answer is in the previous statement, which becomes apparent on that second read. Now, I personally feel kind of stupid making a big deal out of this to you, and ordinarily I wouldn't even mention it, but since it's in the very first paragraph it's both very noticeable and potentially off-putting to perspective readers to be confused so early in the story. I stayed, but there are other people who might not, anticipating the whole to be that way (which it's not, so it would be a shame to loss a reader for something like that).

    Now as I said before, your grammar and such is actually very clean and correct, which I love. Props to you. What that means is I don't have to lecture you on boring stuff like tense rules and crap. I do think that there are some ways that you can improve your writing though, and I'll address them now. The most obvious one that came to me while reading this is paying attention to your wording/flow and word choice. That is, looking at each word, the order, placement and definition and making sure it is communicating exactly what you want to say, in the best, most efficient way possible. There's a couple places where I think you're a little off, for various different reasons.

    I'll start with this early one that stood out to me:

    Screeching Seviper and Zangoose were scattered everywhere, some dead, some alive.
    This sentence is an example of what I like to call word-weirdness. It's a sentence that seems perfectly innocuous, until you start looking into what it is actually saying and then you're like, oh, whoops! In this case, I'm talking about the word "Screeching", which is clearly being implied to refer to the actions of both the Seviper and Zangoose, some of which you go on to say are dead. So according to this sentence, there are dead Seviper and Zangoose who are screeching. Now, I would hope that dead pokemon don't screech, and I'm assuming that's not what you meant with this sentence, obviously you meant the screeching to apply to the live ones, but the wording implies something else. This is one of those things that's easy, even common to do (I catch myself writing a few of these as well), but also easy to fix once you've spotted them, though they tend to fly under the radar and get missed by most writers and betas alike. I consider this sort of advanced, I guess, since the average reader of a fanfic is probably not even going to notice this (except for me, because I'm a ninja), but for the already competent writer who is looking for the ways to keep improving, this is one of those things to start looking out for.

    Probably the best way to fix this sentence in particular is just to get rid of the word 'screeching' altogether, but a little rewriting and an additional sentence is probably in order to really communicate both the fact that things are noisy and chaotic, and that there are also some bodies laying on the ground being decidedly neither noisy nor chaotic on account of being dead. I saw a few more of these 'word-wierdness' mistakes in both chapters, but I'll let you look for them yourself.

    Now this one:

    She somehow felt that it was betrayal that she was all safe in a hiding place while her parent's were out there, getting raked by savage claws at every turn.
    Now there's a few things after this I'm going to talk about, but I'll start with the first sentence. Mostly it's worded awkwardly, with some superfluous words. I really had trouble reading it, it didn't flow smoothly or how my mind wanted or expected it to. I would just love to give you nice rules to help you out with wording but...well, I don't know anyth sure-fire ones, its kind of situational, but I'll give you a few to keep in mind that usually work:

    - Read it aloud and if you stumble, there could be a problem.
    - If you repeat a word twice in one sentence (like you repeat the word 'that', yes, those kinds of words count) you might want to move things around until you don't need the word anymore, or replace it with something else, if you can.
    - If you can eliminate words without changing the meaning, you probably should go ahead and do that.
    - don't use the word 'got', or any of its variations (in this case 'getting'), as it is both vague and boring, and what we want is precise and interesting. This applies to a few other ultra-common words, but they escape me at the moment, sorry.
    - If you can replace any other boring or vague word or phrase with a more descriptive one, then go for it.

    Now I don't usually like to give 'sample sentences' or say how things 'should' have been written, but I don't really know how else to show you what I mean. Just keep in mind this isn't how it should be, I'm not saying you should write it exactly like this or copy me or anything, I'm just giving an example of one way you might make it make more sense, and hopefully that will give you your own ideas of how to improve your sentences in a way that reflects your style and intentions with your writing. So, just as an example of how that sentence might look with those rules applied, I came up with this:

    Somehow it felt like a betrayal to hide in safety while her parents were raked by savage claws at every turn on the battlefield.
    Since you're the writer, it's really up to you which you like better, or how you would want to change it, though. Only you really know what you want to say.

    Now the next sentence:

    It was simply because her level was so low, however, and she was somewhat grateful nonetheless.
    This one...I personally found it questionable for a few reasons. The obvious one is that in the sentence directly following it, you start of with the word 'however' again, and that's not the kind of word you should repeat in such quick succession, as it is very noticeable, but that is easily fixed by switching it out with 'though' or 'although', or something similar. No big deal. The thing that really bothers me most though, is that in this sentance we have a pronoun ("it") but we aren't told what "it" is referring to. Reading the previous sentence, we can assume that by 'it', you probably mean the fact that she's hiding and not in battle, since that's what that sentence is talking about, but a reader shouldn't have to guess what you are referring to. And you really shouldn't use a pronoun like 'it' for something someone is doing anyway, since "it" is a pro-noun and generally a noun as opposed to a verb or phrase. So instead you might want to be more clear and say something like this:

    But her exclusion from the battle was simply because her level was too low to be of use, and despite Seviper's uneasy feelings she was grateful for that safety.
    Again, this isn't how it should be just a way you might change it to make it more intelligible.

    Now I'm not going to go over this next sentence, since this review is getting novel-length and you are probably tired of reading it, but I'll just point it out to you as a bit awkward and you can think about what to do with it yourself. It's int he second chapter.

    Outside the cautiousness of that particular serpent, however, every Zangoose in the bloodstained valley immediately turned their attention to the one who had let loose the powerful Screech in a well-drilled salute, whilst the unlucky arm-less Seviper not fainted or ready for an eternal rest in the Pokemon Tower yet writhed in the pain of the clamor hitting their exposed heads.
    And I guess that is it for me. I definitively enjoyed the story though, and I look forward to reading more! I hope this review was of some help to you. Please keep up the good work!

    (P.S. And what the heck did you mean, this is your 'last shot' at fanfiction? It better not be! Keep going! Keep improving! I know you can do it! Just keep writing and you'll definitely become great at it!)
    ShinySceptile1 likes this.

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    Default Re: Seviper's Journey

    @NoirGrimoir; I would like to thank you, I really would. ^^ Your tips and eye for errors really helps out, in my opinion. (And, I said it was my last shot at fanfiction because I posted the first chapter a pretty long time ago and wasn't sure if I'd try again or not. It's about time to take that little notice down.) Anyways, I'll scour my writing to go ahead and correct some of those mistakes, as well as hopefully figure out where I'm going with the story. I truly appreciate your review!

    P.S. Right, the Pokemon names. ^^' I knew that would end up with a problem with that. Erm... I'll try and give them nicknames at the very least.
    Last edited by ShinySceptile1; 22nd February 2013 at 08:31 AM.
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    Default Re: Seviper's Journey

    Sorry, I meant to read this sooner. Like I said before, this is amazing. I love the way your characters express themselves! Keep up the amazing work!
    ShinySceptile1 likes this.

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    Default Re: Seviper's Journey

    @SummerRose; *Squee* Thank you so much! I always get so stressed out before posting a new chapter. ^^
    Last edited by ShinySceptile1; 24th February 2013 at 08:30 AM.
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    Default Re: Seviper's Journey

    Three-

    It was mid afternoon when Seviper woke up from her fainted stupor. As her vision blearily swam into focus, the first thing she noticed was the fact that she was on her back, with frantic eyes left searching the cloudless sky. This was never regarded as a good position for any snake. She attempted to roll over; it didn't work. After trying again, no surprise, she was being held entirely immobile- helpless. Her actions became increasingly exuberant as she struggled against whatever evil bonds were rooting her in such a way. She gave up- it was absolutely hopeless, and what did it matter? Her worst enemy had offered her a chance at safety, she turned it down twice, and then her family hadn't lifted a tail as she was hauled away in a dead faint. For the first time, the Seviper understood the meaning of depression.

    The Fang Snake's pondering was cut short as she noticed something at the very corner of her vision; she recognized that visage; and it left her thirsting for its blood. Zangoose. The same one with the mangled claws.

    “Hello, little Seviper.” he cooed almost hungrily. “Of course you recognize me- the one that... eliminated almost everyone you know, right?”

    She resentfully acknowledged the fact that the mammal was intentionally spurring her on; he wanted the unfair battle, if only for the sticky red liquid dripping off his ruined claws.

    “Oh, how boring. Don't you know a challenge when you see one? Fine then, let's get to the fun part.” He began to laugh. It was just as dead inside as his eyes- void of nothing but that peculiar rage deep inside. It started soft, almost with a sane ring to it, before rising into a wild crescendo. Soon, it was joined by other voices- accompanying Zangoose.

    Seviper knew nothing to help her in this situation. Her breathing intensified, the unhinged laughter echoing through both the place she was bound and her soul. Yet her vision was still locked onto that one segment of sky. She saw as the clouds above her floated by without a care, oblivious to the presence of undiluted fear below them.

    The head Zangoose eventually ended the clamor and ordered the others to leave with a sharp bark. Still muttering and chuckling amongst themselves, they ran off and left only the lead Cat Ferret Pokemon and snake in the entire clearing.

    The heartless mammal suddenly spoke in a hushed whisper, yet still keeping that harsh expression. “Now, stay still while I undo the bonds and you can go do anything that your little serpent heart desires. Just don't come back here, okay?”

    Seviper's eyes widened in surprise. After all this, he was going to... let her free?

    “Yes, you heard me right. Now I told you to stay still. I can cover up your disappearance with the other Zangoose. No, no- don't say a word. Where other Seviper have failed to fight back in the face of defeat, you curled around me and almost sent my soul to Poké-Heaven. That's never happened before.... I won't up and waste a rarity like you, because I'm not entirely the monster you think I am. My name's Zang.”

    He lifted his claws- they had almost healed within the course of two days.

    When Zang brought them down again, they sliced through whatever was holding Seviper down like a hot knife through butter.

    Seviper felt that she had to say something.

    “My name would be... er... Cerbera!” She swiftly made up a nickname for herself, worried that Zang would go through one of his unusually fluctuating moods if she didn't reply.

    The mongoose nodded slightly in response and then spoke in that same urgent whisper. “Fine then. Now run, or slither as fast as your little body can carry you away from here. Don't go back to anywhere you know, and that includes your clan. You have more potential than to spend the rest of your days being nothing more than a piece in battle.”

    Cerbera wasn't sure how to react. The truth was, she had no objections to getting far away from that place. But was it a good move to trust Zang at all?

    She shook her scaly head slightly. For the first time, there was something honest in his voice, so he sincerely wanted her gone and... safe, strangely enough. But why would he suggest-

    Move! Just go already! The other Zangoose are coming, and I'll be killing you right in front of them if you don't take the chance.”

    Cerbera didn't have to be told twice. She practically leaped through the trees, heading out of the clearing that she was to be most likely clawed to death in. She simply didn't stop for anything the whole time, feeling as though Zangoose eyes were stalking her- though she tried her best to shake the sensation off. Just being paranoid, just being paranoid. She forced herself to not turn around just in case there was a feral Pokémon there. She kept going, never turning back at any point and traveling for miles. Rather predictably, however, her insides were in agony, simply engulfed in flames from all the strenuous activity.

    Breathing heavily, the snake flicked out her tongue to make sure she wasn't being followed. The taste of the air was clear in this part of the forest, only punctuated by some Rattata and Eevee. In fact, the thought itself of those small morsels was pretty appetizing.

    However, Cerbera refrained from catching anything for the moment. She had a lot to think about and reconsider, as well as her scales beginning to get antsy. It had been days since she last shed her skin. Eager to get the procedure over with, the Seviper rubbed up against a tree trunk to create a hole in her older layer of covering. She proceeded to think about her next movement while she did so. Should I just go back to my camp? No, maybe I should listen to Zang and get the Mew out of here. Cerbera disregarded her own idea. That would plainly be cowardice to my clan. I'm not the most courageous Pokémon out there, but I have my basic ideals. I'm going back, whether a petty Zangoose likes it or not.

    Defiantly, she finally managed to remove the last bit of remaining skin and, refreshed, turned around to head back to the large valley she came from- only to meet a strangely colored spherical object head-on. There was a flash of bright red light, a powerful sucking sensation, and then darkness.
    Last edited by ShinySceptile1; 24th February 2013 at 10:10 AM.
    Proud Claimer of Natalya Arlovskaya, Tino Väinämöinen, and Lukas Bondevik from Hetalia~! (= ヮ=)೨


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    Floofy Floofy Deer Lalonde's Avatar
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    Default Re: Seviper's Journey

    Yet again, an exiting chapter! Cerbera is one of those characters who is impossible to dislike! I like your Pokemon equivalences of human sayings (Get the mew out of here! b^_^b) I really like the cliffhanger. Hence, I can't wait to keep reading! Do you know how many chapters you plan on making this?

  11. #11
    Marukaite Chikyuu~ ShinySceptile1's Avatar
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    Default Re: Seviper's Journey

    Quote Originally Posted by SummerRose View Post
    Yet again, an exiting chapter! Cerbera is one of those characters who is impossible to dislike! I like your Pokemon equivalences of human sayings (Get the mew out of here! b^_^b) I really like the cliffhanger. Hence, I can't wait to keep reading! Do you know how many chapters you plan on making this?
    Thank you very much once again! (I wasn't sure if I manged to pull of a cliffhanger right. :D) Also, I really do enjoy doing this, so I might plan around... *Counts on fingers* Well, I'd estimate twelve chapters or something, but I'm really not quite sure yet. I'll just keep at it until finished. Either way, I really love reading these reviews. ^^ Even ones without constructive criticism help so very much.

    P.S. I chose Cerbera's name after the poisonous plant- just a small fun fact. ^^ I'm terrible at making names myself.
    Lalonde likes this.
    Proud Claimer of Natalya Arlovskaya, Tino Väinämöinen, and Lukas Bondevik from Hetalia~! (= ヮ=)೨


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    Marukaite Chikyuu~ ShinySceptile1's Avatar
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    Default Re: Seviper's Journey

    The air itself seemed to tighten, and the soft winds whispering in Cerbera's ears silenced themselves. For just a moment, time froze,and the sensation of weightlessness reigned in the air. Thunk! The small plastic capsule hit the ground and the Seviper opened her eyes from a stupor she didn't realize she was in. It was no time after awareness came into existence once again that pure panic hit and any thoughts about traveling back to her clan were entirely forgotten.


    What's going on? The snake became frantic- then more with every passing millisecond. One minute in a lush forest, foliage tickling your nose, and the next in darkness- it was disconcerting, to say the least. Her senses seemed to grow numb from the lack of anything to process or take in.


    Tink....


    “Hm? Wh-what's happening?” Cerbera quit her futile struggling and took note of the sound, relishing in its brief presence. The noise filled her hearing organs, and it felt like an angel from heaven.


    Tink....


    At this point the serpent shook herself back to present, no longer in primal terror, and began to feel that this was most likely not an ideal situation. “Is anybody th-”


    Tink....


    “W-wait! What's going on? Who are you?” The ticking had lost its charm; all that remained familiar and comforting was the Seviper's heart clanging like a church bell gone mad.


    Click.


    Cerbera noticed that she suddenly felt so... restrained. Where she could writhe freely moments ago was replaced with binds- too similar to her brief time spent in that bloodstained valley, trapped between two trees, or feeling so vulnerable at the claws of a Zangoose, having been tied immobile. However, this trap felt like ice cold talons, acute and deliberate, squeezing into her soul as well as her body. It seemed to grow tighter every time she breathed. Is this what it feels like when I hunt?


    Her pondering was cut short as the talons sliced their way across Cerbera's breaking point, and her eyelids fell as the pressure grew too much to handle.




    Meanwhile.................................................................


    “Yes! Yes! Yesyesyes!” Ace Trainer Daniel betrayed his respectable title's stereotype as he spun around in circles. “Oi, Sceppie! Come on out, mate!”


    Groaning, a mint-colored Sceptile swished out of his Pokeball as though just waking from a hundred-year nap.


    What do you want? I've followed you around this region for too long now. Just let me rest for a few minutes.” His eyes' golden lids were drooping- he appeared about ready to snap.


    Daniel, of course, only heard the proud cry of the Grass starter and disregarded any note of negativity coming from it.


    He spoke, still in a daze of happiness. “Oh, Sceppie, I can't believe it! After all these terrible years, we've found one 'a these serpents! And, best of all, I could catch it with only one Pokeball!”


    The leafy Pokemon seemed exasperated for a moment, and was about ready to dish out a stinging remark to his trainer, but his conscience won out. After all, the two had been searching for a Pokemon like this a long time. Sceppie gave a faint smile and clapped the Ace Trainer on the back. “Happy for you, mate.”


    Daniel looked to the lone Pokeball sitting in the clearing. His grin never faltered as he reached down to pick it up.


    Gazing discreetly at the capsule, he regained all former pride of an Ace and with that, pressed the prominent button on the Pokeball.


    With a flash of pure red energy, the snake roughly hit the ground, torn between relief that the talons had released their hold on her and regret that she had no limbs to break her own fall. “Ow....”


    Sceppie appeared hesitant to greet the newest member of the team; he wasn't very fond of foot-long fangs. However, Daniel sped up to Cerbera and welcomed her to the team. Throughout the entire thing, the Seviper was in a world of her own, the most basic of instincts ingrained into her psyche taking control. Escape, escape, escape.But how? I'm too slow to make a run for it, but I could bite both of them... no, that blue-ish scaly one's keeping a close eye on me, and he looks too fast. What the Spinda am I supposed to do? It was at this point that a desperate, cornered serpent did what any would do in this situation; hiss and then see if things needed to get any more violent.


    The blue-haired trainer was just finishing up his cordial introduction to the team when he was interrupted by a chilling noise. Cerbera's hiss rose up in volume and created a type of frigid aura around her. Malignant red eyes, filled to the brim with bubbling malice, locked into his sky-colored ones.


    “H-hey! I didn't mean you any harm!” Daniel's cautious voice betrayed a speck of fear.


    Sceppie was somewhat well-versed in the ways of the snake, and took note of the fact that his beloved trainer hadn't given the snake a respectable amount of room. This could lead to serious injury, and nobody wants to waste an Antidote in such an overgrown forest. His rasp of a shout rang out, “Look, hissy-fit! I'm not dealing with this garbage, so if you go ahead and bite Daniel, I swear to Arceus that I'll leave nothing but bloody scraps of you, and I don't care if it takes another three years to find a Seviper!” Indeed, despite he and his trainer not constantly on the best of terms, that did nothing to the fact that a Starter Pokemon would not stop at anything to keep its trainer safe from harm.


    Cerbera stopped dead; this Grass-type meant business, and the blades on his arms suddenly appeared even more knife-like. Whatever means of fleeing she was planning, it wasn't going to be easy.


    The torrent of hissing having ended, the Ace Trainer shook himself-at this point he was on his hands and feet in horror. Usually Pokemon fresh from the tall grass were a bit less homicidal. Seeing an opportunity, his arm was like a bullet at he recalled Cerbera back into the Pokeball. Breathing heavily, Daniel glanced back at his loyal Sceptile and squeaked, “Sceppie, mate, remind me to thank you later, for whatever you said to that Seviper... didn't seem too happy, did it?”


    The Sceptile let out a genuine smile this time. Daniel still had a lot to learn, as an Ace Trainer, but they had finally achieved a new teammate, and that was good enough.

    ..........................................................
    Final Notes-

    Hm... yup, that was the new chapter. ^^ Sorry about the delay. Constructive criticism and reviews are always appreciated. (Please? :3)
    Last edited by ShinySceptile1; 9th March 2013 at 12:04 PM.
    Proud Claimer of Natalya Arlovskaya, Tino Väinämöinen, and Lukas Bondevik from Hetalia~! (= ヮ=)೨


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