MATURE: The Seventeen [Fourth Chapter Up]

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    Default The Seventeen [Fourth Chapter Up]

    I know I'm already writing a fic, but I really like this idea, and I can write both stories at once. Anyways, this is a pokemon themed noir story, and it is not really all that appropriate. It has kinda graphic violence, drugs, language, and sex (not REALLY explicit sex, but sex nonetheless). I would really appreciate it if you would comment on it, no matter what you say. If you think it is a bad or mediocre story, then I REALLY want you to comment on it. If I don't know that I need to improve, then you will be stuck reading crap for a really long time. Also, I'll update it when I have the next chapter written. If I set a deadline, I'll miss is, so I'm not going to. Anyways, without further ado, here is The Seventeen:


    Chapter 1: Death.

    Fuck.

    I look up at the scyther standing over me, arm raised to cut me down. I’m crouching on the ground, back against a wall, clutching my leg. My life flashes before my eyes.

    I never should have accepted this job. I knew it was dangerous, but I was just happy to get such an important job. Stupid me. For a mission this important they should have sent Looker. There was only one reason why they would send a junior inspector.

    I was expendable.

    Well, knowing that now isn’t going to help me out much. I should have refused when they asked me to take this case. I should have known that expendability was the only reason why a junior inspector like me would be assigned to investigate death matches, but I didn’t. I also should have known that a simple raid of one of the illegal arenas would be suicide, but once again, I was stupid.

    It had seemed so simple five minutes earlier. Charge it, point some guns at people, and arrest everyone I see. I honestly didn’t expect them to point guns back, or for the traps that killed my backup. But most of all, I didn’t expect their pokemon to be so vicious.

    My partner was the first one killed, her head turning into a cloud of blood as a hitmonchan nailed her with a mach punch. Then chaos reigned as pokemon fought pokemon, and human shot human. I was facing off against the ringleader, a tall hulking man with a large scar on his face. He ran to open the cage behind him right as I shot him. I should have killed him, but he was wearing body armor under his clothes. He pulled open the lock, and I shot him again, this time in the head. Still, I was too late.

    The cage door swung open and a large scyther flew out. I shot it a few times to no effect, then I threw out sneasel. No moment in my life was ever so bad as seeing that scyther turn my poor sneasel into mincemeat. I just stared in shock and almost broke down crying. Big mistake.

    The scyther, having torn my poor sneasel to shreds, it went looking for something else to kill. It saw me. I looked into its eyes and saw something I hadn’t ever seen in a pokemon’s eyes before. Hatred. Not of me, not even of humans in general, but of the whole world. This thing in front of me wasn’t even a pokemon anymore, but a machine bent on killing the world.

    I ran. Had I stayed with the others and fought on, we might have won, but I ran away. The scythe followed, but didn’t try to overtake me, savoring my fear. Finally, I turned and found a dead end. I looked behind me and saw the scyther slowly walking down the hall, blades glinting in the semi-darkness. Suddenly, it slashed downwards, cutting my leg open and leaving me on the ground, and then it raised its arm over it’s head.
    And now, I’m going to die. I close my eyes and wait for the blade to fall.

    *WHAM*

    That wasn’t the sound of me dying. I peer out from beneath one of my eyelids, and get a big surprise. Where the scyther was, there is now a metagross. Or I guess I should say there is a metagross’s foot. I can still see one of the scyther’s arms sticking out from underneath it, twitching weakly. I then stare at the foot. It’s actually taller than me, at over six feet, and seems to be about as wide around as a trash can. I can see the leg sticking through the wall to my right, where it broke through to smush the scyther. Now the only question is if it killed the scyther to save me, or because it wanted me to itself.

    A psychic force grabs me and flings me through the wall. It hurts, but now I’m outside, and the fighting in the distance has lessened. I stare up at the metagross. It’s huge, the biggest pokemon I’ve ever seen. It has a series of scratches next to its left eye that resemble the Roman numeral XVI. It stares down at me for a moment, then disappears. I’m left sitting in an empty alley with one leg cut open.

    I hear footsteps coming my direction from inside the building. I turn and run, hoping my leg will hold out. It doesn’t matter who it is who is coming, I can’t be found by either of them. If it’s the people who run the death matches, they will kill me as soon as they see me. I think my comrades would do the same. I abandoned them to die.

    I decide to hide. When I ran away, I forfeited my right to be a police officer, which means I can be held accountable for anyone I killed. The maximum penalty for murder is death, and because of how many police officers died because of my stupid raid, I have no doubt what a judge would say.

    I have some friends in the underworld, contacts I made who don’t know that I’m a cop. I also could sell information about the force for my safety, but I don’t want to betray them any more than I already have. I also need to get another pokemon.

    After a couple of blocks, my leg gives out and I stumble. I need a doctor before I can think about anything else. I wander through back allies before stopping in front of an herbal medicine shop. It’s really a front for an illegal clinic where people on the run can get cheap medical care. They don’t ask any questions, and they only take cash.

    An hour later, my leg is patched up and I’m out of there. I spent most of my money on my leg, so I need work. I walk around the red light district, looking for a place where there are sure to be drugs. I find one called “The Flaming Oddish” and walk up to the door. Sure enough, a bouncer steps out and blocks my way. I slam my fist into his gut, my knee in his crotch, and the flat of my other had into his face. While he lies on the ground, I kick him until he starts crying. I feel sorry for him, but I need his job.
    A short man steps out from the crack-house. He asks whether I want to be the new bouncer, and I say yes. He then asks whether I want to be paid in drugs or money. I say money. I might be a criminal now, but that doesn’t mean that I’ve given up all my values.

    I stand in the doorway for six hours, kicking out people who get too high, and keeping a sharp eye out for cops. Not that any cops would come here. Everyone’s given up on this section of Jubilife. Ever since the gym closed down and DevonCorp went out of business, this city has steadily fallen downhill. Now, crime is the only business that pays.

    As I stand on guard, I think about the pokemon that saved me. Whose was it, or was it wild? I had heard tales of wild metagross in Unova, but they were rare, a wild metagross had never before been seen in Hoen. It must belong to someone, but who? I don’t know anyone with a metagross, and police aren’t allowed to use any really powerful pokemon.

    I puzzle over this while looking for a place to stay. My mind keeps on coming back to its tattoo. What relevance did the number 16 have? Route sixteen in a region? Was the metagross someone’s sixteenth pokemon? The questions and others like them kept whizzing through my mind until I finally found a place to stay and fell asleep.

    As I dream, I see things. Things that don’t make sense. It’s like someone is talking to me, but the words are being attacked by moths. Colors that are only half there paint a landscape with large holes. Syllables without coherency or meaning flow through the air. I can’t think straight, my head hurts. There is a sense of urgency, like I must know this, but the dream is breaking up. It’s going dark, like there is nothing there. My mind empties, and I drift into a peaceful, meaningless dream.



    Well, how did you like it?
    Last edited by Megaman; 14th March 2011 at 01:22 PM.
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    Default Re: The Seventeen (R)

    Wow. That was very impressive. I really felt the mood of the story. It was a little bit fast and at times kinda overexaggerated. Overall I'd like to see what happens next.

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    True Blue Bomber Megaman's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Seventeen (R)

    Quote Originally Posted by WingullStrike View Post
    Wow. That was very impressive. I really felt the mood of the story. It was a little bit fast and at times kinda overexaggerated. Overall I'd like to see what happens next.
    Sorry about how fast it went. I'll try to slow it down in the following chapters.
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    Default Re: The Seventeen (R)

    Ok, so here is the second chapter of my story. Just a bit of a warning, this chapter has a scene that is pretty danged unpleasant. Lets just say that the hero takes a bit of a wrong turn, morally.



    Chapter 2: Waking Nightmare


    I wake up with a huge headache. I don’t drink, but I assume this is what a hangover feels like. First thing I need to do is catch a pokemon. God I feel bad for what happened yesterday. I know plenty of people died in my badly planned raid, but I find that I miss sneasel more than all of them put together. It was like losing a part of me, watching him get chopped to pieces by that scyther. Right then and there, I decide to continue my mission to stop the pokemon death matches, even though I am no longer a police officer. I was determined to kill the bastard who had made it so that my sneasel had to die!

    The first place I visit is the pokemart, and I purchase three pokeballs there. I then go down into the sewers, looking for poison types. One of the first things you learn when you join the force is how to find pokemon in the city. A large swalot goes by, drinking the filth. I don’t try to catch it. I’m not stupid. After a few more brushes with swalot, I find some electrical wiring. A magnemite is leeching power from a frayed wire. Perfect.

    I leap forward and grab the magnemite, getting a painful shock for my effort. I hold on, slamming the small pokemon into the wall until it’s knocked out. I let it fall to the ground, then throw a pokeball to catch it. Proud of myself, I pick up the pokeball and turn around.

    Standing right behind me are two men wearing suits. The both have slicked back hair and sunglasses, so I couldn’t tell them apart. They also were both carrying two guns, one by their side, and one in a shoulder holster.

    “Who the fuck are you?” I ask belligerently.

    The one on the left spoke first, “We are agents working for the government. We are here to inform you that you are under arrest for running death matches.”

    “Please come quietly and you will not be harmed. You have the right to re GAH!” I shot the second one before he got the chance to finish his sentence.

    I knew they weren’t agents from the instant the first one spoke. I know all of the agents who work in Jubilife, and these I didn’t recognize these two. I knew that they were going to kill me, and that I had to strike first.

    The first one drew his gun and fired the instant I killed his partner. He managed to get off three shots, all of which missed, before I shot him in the arm. He immediately reached for the gun in his shoulder holster with his left hand, but I shot that too. He falls down to the ground only after I shoot him in the legs. He’s tough, obviously a professional.

    I stand over him, gun pointed at his head.

    “Once again, who the fuck are you.”

    “I told you, we’re detectives in service of the government! You are in so much trouble you little shit! Do you know what the penalty for UFFFF!” I kick him in the side.

    “Listen up. I know you don’t work for the government. I want to know who it is who sent you after me, and if you don’t tell me…” With that, I walk over to the wire the magnemite was sucking power from and cut it in half. I drag him over and move the wires close to his head.

    “Do you want to know what it feels like to have your nuts fried off? I don’t think it feels very nice.”

    “You wouldn’t. I know your type. You think you can scare people while you’re really just a big wimp. You don’t have the guts. We both know that I’m not gonna AHHHHHHHHHH!” I touch the tips of the wire to

    his crotch. I remove them after three seconds.

    “Now, I believe you were just about to tell me who you work for.”

    “No fucking way! I’ll neYAHHHHHHHHHH!!!” I zap him again, this time for five seconds.

    “Tell me NOW.” No response. I zap him again, but halfway through he stops screaming and his eyes go blank.

    “Damn it! Now how will I find out who sent them?” I say to myself.

    I exit the sewers, steaming mad. Why did that motherfucker have to die on me! I go to my new job and take out my anger on some crackhead who looked at me funny. My boss doesn’t seem too happy about that, but since that act earned me a reputation for ruthlessness, it looks like he’s willing to let it slide.

    I’m also getting over sneasel’s death.

    After my shift is done, I return to my apartment and fall asleep.

    I’m dreaming again tonight, but this time it’s different. It’s like a nightmare that feels good. A dark shape comes in and out of focus, just like me. It’s like a succubus, inviting and hideous all at the same time, and I feel tainted by its very presence in my mind. A smaller cloud of darkness flits around, pushing me away from the demon. Its cold touch is familiar, reassuring and accusing me while it pushes. Words issue forth from the demon in the center of my dream, but I can’t understand them. It’s like a cloud of insects is circling my head, blurring out the words. Suddenly, the dream is smashed! Not like the gentle erosion that happened yesterday, but a powerful explosion that shatters reality. I wake with a start and stare at the shadow above my bed. It bellows and flies towards me. Throw the first thing I can grab at it.

    The pokeball passes straight through the monster, opening when it hits the wall. To my shock, it isn’t the magnemite that I caught this afternoon that comes out, but a froslass! The shadow, still diving for my body, finally makes contact. I brace myself for pain, but I don’t feel any. The shadow is gone. Gone like that miserable fucker who died today before he told me who he was!

    I feel anger and hatred swell up inside my chest. I should have tortured that son of a bitch longer, then he would have talked! As I revel in my daydreams of causing great pain to whoever sent those goons to whack me, I don’t notice the froslass slowly drifting over to me. Suddenly, I feel another presence within me. It’s the same feeling I got when the little cloud in my dream was pushing me back. Familiar, almost as if a missing part of me had been returned. The feelings of rage and hate are drowned out, and I turn to look at the froslass, who is gently touching my arm.

    “Sneasel?” I ask, thinking it’s too good to be true.

    “Lass!” she happily squeals as she flings her arms around me. When this happens, all the hate inside me disappears, and I realize what exactly I did today. My happiness is squelched by the knowledge that I tortured someone to death.

    “Yessss, and wasn’t it wonderfulllll?”

    I turn towards the hissing whisper, and to my shock I see a pokemon. A darkrai floats behind me, a white V blazing on its chest like fire. I see the same hatred in its eyes that I saw in the eyes of that scyther.

    “Hatred givesssss me a reason for llllliving. Hatred for humanssss lllllike you. If you persssssisssst on your path, I guessssss that I willllll have to KILLLLLLL you.” Saying that, it charges me, a sphere of darkness forming in its hand.

    Froslass jumps in front of me, her hand glowing as she prepares to fire out an ice beam. However, before either of them can attack, the wall gets wrecked and a metal foot speeds at darkrai. Sensing danger, darkrai zooms out of the way, but stops charging his attack. Froslass takes advantage of this opportunity to blast him with her ice beam. Screaming bloody murder, the darkrai, went flying out the door, its upper body incased in ice.

    That left me with froslass, staring at the metagross that had now saved my life twice.

    In a booming voice like two pans being beaten against each other, it said “I’m sure you have many questions. I had hoped not to have to answer them, but now that you have met 5 I see I have no choice. Let me tell you about the world you have entered, and why you are soon going to wish that you had never been born”


    So, did you like it, hate it, find it mediocre? If you had ANY opinion about it at all, please tell me! Personally, I don't really like the torture sequence, and am thinking of changing it. In hindsight, it seems a bit excessive.
    Last edited by Megaman; 10th March 2011 at 03:41 PM.
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    Default Re: The Seventeen (R) [Second Chapter Up]

    I think this chapter captured My attention more then the last. I don't know why people won't review this. It's quite good. Though it may be too dark for some peoples tastes.

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    Default Re: The Seventeen (R) [Second Chapter Up]

    Quote Originally Posted by WingullStrike View Post
    I think this chapter captured My attention more then the last. I don't know why people won't review this. It's quite good. Though it may be too dark for some peoples tastes.
    Thanks, I'm glad you like it! I think people aren't reviewing it for 2 reasons: 1, Its probably in the running for the darkest fan-fic on the site; and 2, no-one has any clue who I am, so they aren't taking the time to read it.
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    Default Re: The Seventeen (R) [Second Chapter Up]

    Well, it was a good start. Not usually my taste, but good. And I have to admit, this story is pretty dark. And the Pokemon are quite unusual to be honest. You also seemed to have read my mind about how I view Jubilife City o.O. Kind of strange, actually.

    Keep it up.

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    is obsessed with Noivern! Zekurom's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Seventeen (R) [Second Chapter Up]

    Well, to tell the truth, it was a bit confusing. I get the fact that the guy is a police officer that abandoned his crew, but he changes his heart a bit too quickly. The story appears to be rushing a bit, and not in the "quick-paced" way of an escape sequence.

    You also seem to be making too many summary points. Like this one:

    I was determined to kill the bastard who had made it so that my sneasel had to die!
    You're telling his emotions in such a detached way that it sticks out. You never want that to happen, at least not without a good reason.

    Same with this one:

    I then go down into the sewers, looking for poison types.
    A little too quick. It's all over your story.

    Also, this:

    That left me with froslass, staring at the metagross that had now saved my life twice.
    I can understand the "metagross", but "Froslass" is a proper noun in this case, because you're not saying "the froslass" or anything like that.
    The word "quadragonal" is the only word with "dragon" in it where "dragon" is not a root word. That makes it awesome.

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    Default Re: The Seventeen (R) [Second Chapter Up]

    Quote Originally Posted by Zek(u)rom View Post
    Well, to tell the truth, it was a bit confusing. I get the fact that the guy is a police officer that abandoned his crew, but he changes his heart a bit too quickly. The story appears to be rushing a bit, and not in the "quick-paced" way of an escape sequence.

    You also seem to be making too many summary points. Like this one:


    You're telling his emotions in such a detached way that it sticks out. You never want that to happen, at least not without a good reason.

    Same with this one:


    A little too quick. It's all over your story.

    Also, this:



    I can understand the "metagross", but "Froslass" is a proper noun in this case, because you're not saying "the froslass" or anything like that.
    Sorry about how fast it is, I'm kinda new at writing, so I'm not quite sure how to handle speed. The thing with the emotions was purposeful, but badly executed. I wanted to make his emotions detached because of what the darkrai did to him, but didn't really know how to do it. I'm sorry about the summery, I'll try not to have so much in the next chapters.
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    Default Re: The Seventeen (R) [Third Chapter Up]

    Here is the third chapter of my story. Most of this chapter is being told to the main character by 16, the giant metagross. If 16 uses a numeral (such as 6 or 8) he's talking about a pokemon. If the number is spelled out, it's a number. Yes, the metagross is talking. I would really like to know what you think about this story.


    Chapter 3: A Brief History of Crime


    “As you know, pokemon are intelligent. I know that there are some exceptions, such as slowpoke, magikarp, and bidoof, but generally most pokemon are quite bright. In fact, some pokemon, specifically psychic types, are far more intelligent than humans. So why do humans rule the world, instead of, say, alakazam?”

    “Humans have three traits that pokemon lack: creativity, long term ambition, and greed. No pokemon has ever created a device to do something that they could do themselves, and the whole idea of invention is foreign to them. Pokemon are also content with what they have, and have infinite loyalty to their masters. They don’t begrudge those who have attained a station above them. Humans, however, always desire what they do not have, and make plans to attain it. Through this ambition, humans create and conquer.”

    “I can see that you are wondering why I told you what you already knew. Well, let me tell you a story. Once upon a time, around twenty years ago, there was a meowth that could talk and think like a human. It was a member of a criminal empire that spanned two whole regions, and it was unique amongst all the pokemon the empire ever encountered. Slowly, the leader of the cartel realized the potential of pokemon minions who had the minds of humans, and he ordered that his scientists attempt to create more pokemon like that. They experimented on around forty pokemon, but only three were successful.”

    “I was one of those three, along with a gallade and a slowking. We all took to our apotheosis very differently. The gallade, X, was ecstatic about his new abilities, convinced that a creature with the power of a pokemon and the mind of a human was greater than either of the two seperatly. He planned to rise through the ranks of the cartel and become one of the greatest leaders in history, ushering the world into a golden age. The slowking, II, was more cautious, thinking that just because we could now think like humans didn’t mean that we would be treated like humans. He was worried that we would be consumed by ambitions that we could never achieve because we were just pokemon. I, unlike the other two, was angry about the change that was forced upon me. My mind had been changed against my will, and I wanted revenge against the humans who had done this to me. We all had plans, but before we could carry them out, the organization was disbanded, and we were released back into the wild. There, we discovered the full extent of the changes that had been made.”

    “We could no longer understand other pokemon.”

    “This blow was too much for 10 to bear. His plan of leading both races to an age of peace and understanding had been smashed, and he wanted someone to blame. Instead of targeting the humans who did this to him, he attempted to gather up some followers to destroy ALL humans. We might not be able to understand our fellows, but they were able to understand us. When 10 tried gathering followers for his mad quest, he was scorned. You don’t need to be able to understand someone’s words to tell when they’re laughing at you. I sympathized with him, for I too shared his anger at what the humans had done too us, but I didn’t share his belief that all humans were guilty, just the ones who had done this to me. I will admit that I criticized his plans as heavy handed and overly brutal, not knowing how wrong I was. Compared to what followed, his plans could be called merciful.”

    “His mind already made unstable by the experiments, the further strain placed on 10 by the scorn broke something in his mind. One day, he left the forest that we had been dumped in after the syndicate fell apart. I assumed that he was going to fight his war by himself, and that he would be dead before the month was out. I was very wrong.”

    “He made his way back to the laboratory where we had been created and learned how it worked. Through experimentation he perfected the process and decided to put other pokemon through what had happened to us, in the hopes of creating some followers. He recruited some human helpers to be the ‘scientists’ who ran the experiments and to capture pokemon. He ordered them to collect one pokemon of each type, leaving out steel, fighting, and water, so that his army would have no weaknesses. I don’t know why he left steel and water out, but I assume that his reasons were sentimental. Maybe he thought that I and 2 would join him after he proved to us that he wasn’t mad.”

    “After the experiments were completed, he broke into the lab and slaughtered his helpers, ‘rescuing’ the pokemon. He had missed something though. While the experiments had given us minds like humans, they had also done other things. Around the time that 10’s experiments were completed, I had started growing and 2 had started seeing glimpses of the future. 10’s improved experiment didn’t remove these side effects only sped up when they would appear. IV, a gardevoir, had gained the ability to read minds, and had seen through 10 the instant she saw him. She hurried to inform the other pokemon about 10’s trickery, and together they managed to capture 10.”

    “4 thought it would end there, but some of the pokemon agreed with 10. Because 10 had captured pokemon who he thought would have an instinctive hatred of humans, he stole quite a few from death arenas, thinking that they would want their combination of killing instinct and hatred for humans would make them the perfect minions. These pokemon, as well as a few motivated solely by greed, rose up against 4 and freed 10, escaping into the night. Out of the fourteen pokemon 10 had captured, eight decided to join him. The six left in the lab decided that they had to stop 10, but they were badly outnumbered. They all had noticed that there were no experiments numbered 2 or 16, and had deduced that there were at least two other pokemon like themselves in existence, and decided to look for us in the hope that we were not in league with 10. 2 had seen them coming months before they arrived, so we started making preparations. We enlisted the help of various pokemon and humans who believed us, and by the time 4 and the others arrived we were ready to go to war.”

    “With our army of volunteers, we badly outnumbered 10’s forces, and the first time we clashed they were soundly beaten. Realizing that he needed more troops, he took the minor problem of pokemon death matches and turned it into an epidemic, enlisting the help of the most vicious pokemon to come out of the arenas. He also started hiring sadists and psychopaths, teaching them to use pokemon to commit murder instead of using normal weapons. We still outnumbered them, but they were far more vicious, willing to do anything to accomplish their goals. Still, we found that we could still win. Then 5 came.”

    “Originally, the dark type that 10 had picked to serve him had been a bisharp he had found in an arena. That 5 was bad enough, but one day he disappeared. Soon after that things started going bad. Many of the trainers who fought for us were found dead, either from murder or suicide. A few of the survivors actually turned against us, attempting to assassinate 2 and 4. We placed the remaining trainers under watch, hoping to find out what was going wrong. That’s how we found out about 5.”

    “We don’t know what happened to him, but 5 is the same as the rest of the seventeen. He talks, thinks, and acts like a human. We don’t know if 10 has started up the lab again, but we doubt it. We destroyed everything, from the devices that were used to run the experiments to the stickynotes the original researchers left for themselves. All we know is that 5 can bring out the darker side of any human, and that makes him extremely dangerous. We suspect that he spends most of his time converting people who work for the government, trying to cripple the police force so that they don’t shut down 10’s arenas. It takes a while for 5’s influence to reach its peak, but when it does you become like a different person. You stop caring about anyone besides yourself, you become vicious, vengeful, sadistic, any flaw in your personality, no matter how minor, becomes one of your defining characteristics.”

    While he says this, I remember the past 48 hours. I deserted my comrades, killed two men, tortured another to death, and probably hospitalized two men who didn’t deserve it. If Sneasel hadn’t come back and saved me from myself, I would probably be doing much worse right now. I turn towards 16.

    “So, how can I help?”





    So, what did you think? Feeling the urge to comment on the new chapter or the story so far? Please do so!
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  11. #11
    Requiem Raver Drakon's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Seventeen (R) [Third Chapter Up]

    Okay, here is your full review I promised.

    ----------

    Chapter 1:

    You jump right into the action from the get-go with a high octane scene of stakeout gone bad. The battle scene is sparsely described but I find that adds to the frantic feel of the scene.

    I like how you mentioned Jubilife City’s downfall from a clean, high-tech wonder-city to a crime infested city where drug dealing and other crimes reign supreme. On a side note, perhaps a little more background on that fall can be provided?

    I like the ending; its dreamy surreal quality makes it seem like the man is high, which seems to fit with his underworld persona.

    On the bad side, I think the pacing was a little too fast. I mean, he goes from cop to underworld bouncer in what I assume to be two-three hours at most. I also think you should have placed a little more exposition on his stint as a bouncer in crackhouse.

    Now for the details:

    On a personal preference note: attacks and pokémon names are capitalized. Your way is not incorrect, though.

    “Pokemon” has an accented e (Pokémon)

    The scythe followed
    I think that is supposed to be “Scyther”.

    […]and then it raised its arm over it’s head.
    “it’s” should be “its”. “It’s” is a contraction. “Its” is the possessive forum I assume you are looking for.

    back allies
    “Alleys” is the proper plural of “alley” you are looking for.

    in Hoen
    Jubilife City is in Sinnoh.

    the number 16 have
    Write out the number.

    Ever since the gym closed down and DevonCorp went out of business,
    Jubilife City does not have a gym and Devon Corp is only in Hoenn. The Pokétch Company, GTS and Jubilife TV are the three major landmarks there.

    Chapter 2:

    I the first few paragraphs; you captured the dark, gritty ambiance of a decaying city.

    The torture scene was well done too. Dark and disturbing.

    The last part with the dream and the pokémon battle with the Darkrai, Metagross, Magnemite (Froslass) was kind of out of place for a gritty Pokémon city-noir story.

    Finally, the point at which you ended it made the story seem incomplete.

    Now for the details:

    “Once again, who the fuck are you.”
    End with a question mark

    If the Magnemite is sucking electricity from a main power line, the man getting shocked should have been killed or seriously injured. Say nothing of the rogue cop cutting the wire unless he was using an insulated tool.

    wall gets wrecked
    “Destroyed” seems like a better choice of words.

    its upper body incased in ice
    The word you want is “encased”.

    Keep Darkrai’s gender consistent. You refer to Darkrai as it most of the time but in the third to last paragraph, you refer to Darkrai as male.

    I do like Darkrai’s speech pattern. Ominous and dark befitting said pokémon.

    Chapter 3:

    One huge issue. This chapter has way, way, way too much dialogue. And it is far too one sided as the chapter consists of the Metagross doing an infodump to the main character. I think adding the main character’s reactions and having him interrupt the Metagross with additional questions would make this chapter flow a lot better.

    So this is set in the future of the Pokémon anime? Nice touch. I wonder how else the future has changed?

    I like how X, who had his dreams totally smashed, became so corrupted by grief that he turned into a depraved cult leader. Not to mention how he increased the demand for pokémon death matches and hires the worst that humanity – serial killers, sociopaths, etc – has to offer just to bolster his army. It adds a whole new creepy twist.

    And wow, X owns the majority of the criminal pokémon death arenas? I guess it shows how amoral he is.

    Hinting that V may be responsible for the main character’s corruption was a pretty unexpected twist.

    On a small technical note, I think using Roman numerals for the pokémon’s names instead of Arabic numerals is more aesthetically appealing.

    ---------------

    Well, enjoy and good luck!
    What are the Legendaries really like? Find out in The Life of the Legendaries

    Humans and pokémon no longer live in harmony. Hear their tales in The Poké Wars Chronicles: Tales From A World At War

    Cynthia once had it all: powerful pokémon, fame and hordes of adoring fans. But Ho-oh's campaign tears her life asunder. Now to survive this deadly new world, she must do the one thing that she never wanted: kill. Follow her trials through a world at war in Poké Wars: Downfall of a Champion

  12. #12
    True Blue Bomber Megaman's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Seventeen (R) [Third Chapter Up]

    Sorry about the spelling errors. I know I'm not the best speller in the world, but I'll try to do better. I originally planned to use roman numerals for the pokemon's names, but all the I's got kinda confusing. I'm also sorry about how fast it is. Almost everyone who has reviewed it has said that, and I'm trying to fix it. Thanks for reviewing!
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  13. #13
    True Blue Bomber Megaman's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Seventeen (R) [Third Chapter Up]

    Here is chapter four. In response to comments that this story moves too fast, I tried to slow it down. Tell me what you think. Also I know it's short, and probably kinda lame. This version of the chapter might be edited later, so if you think up anything that could improve it, please tell me.




    Chapter 4: Legend

    It’s two weeks after the fight in my room. After I offered my assistance to 16, he said that he’d contact me as soon as he located one of 10’s arenas. While I have been waiting, I’ve been training Magneton on how to fight alongside me. I also bought a shotgun. I don’t want to have to face anything as big as that scyther with just a pistol.

    Yesterday, I got a phone call from an unknown number. When I answered, a voice I didn’t recognize told me that it was time, and that I would hear from my friend tomorrow. They hung up before I could ask them any questions.

    Now, I’m standing at the bus stop in front of my apartment building, waiting for 16 to show up. It’s raining, and the bus stop is full of bums looking for shelter. The only other person here who doesn’t look like shit is the guy sitting on the opposite side of the stop. He’s dressed like a cowboy, spurs and all. He would look stupid if not for two guns on his belt. A cop walks by, and most of the bums scatter. I’m left sitting there with the cowboy, who’s walking over towards me.

    “Nice town ya’ll have here.”

    “It has its charms, one of which is that most people here know to mind their own business.” I growl at him. I’m not in the mood for idle chatter.

    “Now ya see, I don’t think of that as one of this here town’s good points. Most of the people I’ve talked to have been downright anti-social. A feller can only be told to shut the fuck up so many times afore he starts to feel likes he’s unwanted.”

    “So you understand?” He’s really starting to bug me. I wish 16 would arrive soon.

    “Awww, now don’t be like that. I’m just tryin’ to be friendly. It would be a damn shame if ya’ll didn’t hear what I had to say.”

    So that’s it. He’s trying to sell me something. Stupid street venders.

    “Whatever you’re selling, I don’t want it.”

    “I aint tryin’ to sell ya something! I’m talkin’ to your sorry ass ‘cause a mutual friend of ours asked me! Do ya’ll really think a giant metagross could just up an’ walk into a bus stop and talk to someone?”

    Actually, that was exactly what I had thought would happen, but I don’t say that.

    “Then why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

    “16 forgot to tell me what ya’ll looked like. I wan’t just gonna start asking folks if they knew a talkin’ metagross, so I needed to figure out who ya’ll were. I didn’t know fer shure until that cop moseyed on by an’ all those .”

    What he said makes sense, so I don’t push the point any farther.

    “What did 16 tell you to say?”

    “We got ourselves a big ’un! 4 found an arena right underneath the old gym in this here city, an’ we’re takin’ it out tonight. We think that one of them traitors is holed up in there, and were aimin’ to catch ‘em!”

    I find his enthusiasm annoying. I remember the raid that started all this and shudder. Attacking one of those places is not something anyone should be excited about.

    The bus pulls up and we get inside. The driver looks at the cowboy’s guns, they points to a sign that reads “Driver is armed. Any violence shall be dealt with using lethal force.” We pay our fare, then wait until the bus stops in front of the gym. The cowboy has gone quiet, and during the ride he checks out his guns. He might be more professional than I previously thought.

    The bus pulls up to the curb, and we step out. A man with a guitar case exits the bus with us, along with two young women with backpacks. 16 steps out from the shadows beside the gym, accompanied by 4.

    “The gym’s entrance is empty, but there are guards in the main area. If we can take them out, we can use the service halls to get down to the basement, where the arena is. Then, we have to kill everything that moves. I assume you all know what to do now.”

    Everyone nods and readies their weapons. The man with the case opens it up and withdraws an assault rifle, while the two women both take out smaller automatic weapons. I draw my pistol and my sawed off shotgun. Then we all send out our pokemon. Along with my magneton, there are two rhyperiors, one machoke, a haunter, and a blitzle. The cowboy didn’t send out a pokemon, just loaded his guns and walked towards the doors.

    We enter the gym carefully, making sure not to trigger any traps. As we move to the door that leads to the main room, 4 raises three fingers and points towards the door. The cowboy nods, kicks the door open, and fires three shots. I hear the sound of people slumping to the floor, and go inside. He killed them all before they could even draw their weapons. I begin to respect him a bit more.

    16 floats over to a door in the side of the wall, then punches one huge metal fist through it. I hear yelling from below. It’s started.

    The man with the rifle leads the way into the hall, gun in front, ready to shoot. 4 is behind him, the cowboy and women behind her, and I bring up the rear. 16 is staying behind to make sure no-one escapes, while the pokemon are with their respective trainers. Suddenly, we reach a staircase, and 4 signals us to stop. She mimes throwing something down the stairs. Nodding, one of the women reaches into her pack and pulls out a grenade. She chucks it down the stairs, and bounces down and disappears around the bend. The explosion is deafening, but I can still hear the people who survived the blast screaming.

    We run down the stairs, pausing only to finish off the guards who survived the explosion. We reach another door, and one of the rhyperiors pushes it open. Through the open doorway I see a large ring, surrounded with cages full of snarling pokemon. I can’t see any more gaurds, but 4 points at various spots around the room.

    The cowboy walks in, arms low, by his sides. He looks around, seeming completely unworried.

    “Come out, come out, wherever you are! I don’t wanna…” One of the guards jumps out from behind a cage, and faster than my eyes can track, the cowboy whirls around and puts a bullet in his head. Then all hell breaks loose.

    Guards jump out from behind almost everything and start firing. Most of them aim at the cowboy, but he dives for cover and escapes injury. The man with the rifle isn’t so lucky. A couple of the guards fired at those of us standing in the door, and he took all the bullets. We all dash for cover, and most of us reach it before the man’s body hits the floor. One of the women gets hit in her arm, but she doesn’t seem to notice. The rhyperiors just stand and stare at the dead body, bullets bouncing off their stone armor. Then, bellowing in rage, they charge the guards.

    The first one they reach tries taking them down with his gun, but they just bulldoze right over him, leaving his crushed body behind them. The other guards run for the cages, trying to get their own pokemon out before they share their comrades fate. I shoot down two, and the cowboy downs four, but the others rip open the latches on the cages and get out of the way. A swarm of snarling pokemon runs onto the battlefield, killing everything they see. Some go after the guards, wanting revenge for the cruelty that the guards must have treated them with, and some ran at us, still loyal to their masters, but most turned on themselves and started fighting.

    I run out from my hiding place, telling Magneton to protect me. I take out my shotgun and blow the head off of a houndoom that was rushing at 4. Some of the gaurds shoot at me, but Magneton attracts the bullets to his metal body, which they just bounce off of. The fight rages for a few more minutes, with heavy casualties on both sides. The woman who was shot earlier gets eviscerated by a charging haxoraus, and both the blitzle and the machoke are taken out by an electrode. The cowboy takes care of most of the horde, leaving me and the surviving woman to take care of the rest. The rhyperiors, still outraged by their master’s death, take care of most of the guards. Finally, I shoot the last rouge pokemon, and silence fills the room. The woman walks up to me and says,

    “Funny, I thought one of the seventeen was supposed to be here.”

    Suddenly, she flies apart, as if someone had planted a bomb. As her blood goes flying, I see a shape behind her, covered in gore. It looks like a large bear, and it has huge scar shaped like the letter I on its stomach. It shakes itself, and the blood flies off, rendering it invisible again. I hear the door behind us close, and I see a holding a long knife enter the room. The cowboy walks over to me, guns at the ready.

    “Somethin’ here is tellin’ me that we’ve fallen right into a goddamn trap.”

    Looking at the psychopathic smile on the new arrivals face, and remembering the brutal death of the woman only a moment before, I can only nod in agreement.






    Well, whaddid ya think? Too slow, too much talking, boring, not enough story, really good, mediocre? Did you like the new character introduced, or did you find him boring/lame? Are you looking forward to the next chapter? Did you think I left anything out? ONLY YOU can answer these questions, and I would really appreciate it if you did. Without feedback, this story would never get any better. Please comment.
    Last edited by Megaman; 14th March 2011 at 12:45 PM.
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  14. #14
    is obsessed with Noivern! Zekurom's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Seventeen (R) [Third Chapter Up]

    Quote Originally Posted by Drakon View Post
    End with a question mark
    If a person is deadpanning a question, it sometimes does end in a period, as a stylistic device. In this case, however, it probably was a mistake.
    The word "quadragonal" is the only word with "dragon" in it where "dragon" is not a root word. That makes it awesome.

  15. #15
    True Blue Bomber Megaman's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Seventeen [Fourth Chapter Up]

    Yeah, while I would love to say that it was a stylistic choice that I made, it was a mistake.
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