Setting Sun

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  1. #1
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    Default Setting Sun

    Started a new Pokémon themed story. =] I blame Pokémon Platinum for this. :P Anyways, please enjoy. All comments and such will be appreciated.

    Prolouge
    His name was Looker. That wasn't his biological name, but if he told anyone the truth, he would be fired. That's right. Fired. Fired from his job with the International Police. The International Police was a force started to take down notorious forces such as Team Galactic. Team Galactic was defiantly starting to become a notorious gang. That was why Looker was assigned to stop them. Looker, the clumsy member of the International Police, and his trusty partner Croagunk, as well as his fellow human partner, Ashleigh and her trusty Piplup, will journey through the Sinnoh region during it's most insane climatical times to stop Team Galactic and save the world.

    ~Chapter 1~ The Mission
    Looker took a good look around his office. It seemed to be quite messy, but he didn't mind one bit. A knock on the door, followed by familiar Pokémon sounds, made Looker straighten up quickly. When the door opened, Looker was able to relax a bit. It was only his partner and her Pokémon, Ashleigh and Piplup. She closed the door behind her and smiled happily.

    "Hey, Looker! Guess what?!" Ashleigh happily asked. Looker shrugged; he was never good at guessing things. Ashleigh pulled out a folder from inside her black trenchcoat and held it out for Looker to take. He took it from her hands and placed it on top of a mass of other papers on his desk. Looker opened the folder to find a picture of a man with blue hair. The name had him listed as Cyrus, the boss of Team Galactic. Looker moved the paper to see another Galactic member. This one had red hair and was listed as one of the four commanders of Team Galactic.

    Four? Looker remembered hearing about three commanders, but defiantly not four of them! Looker closed the folder and looked up at Ashleigh. "Ashleigh, what's our mission?" Ashleigh, who had comfortably taken a seat in one of the unoccupied chairs and was tying a ribbon around her Piplup's neck, looked up when Looker said her name.

    "To find out whatever it is that Team Galactic is up to and stop whatever it is they're trying to do," Ashleigh replied. Looker nodded and stood up. Ashleigh blinked and looked up at her co-worker. "Then let's get a move on. You know where to meet me, right?" Looker asked as he walked over to the door. Ashleigh nodded just as her "boss" walked out the door.
    ~~
    Looker tapped his foot impatiently on the ground as he waited for his partner. It wasn't unusual for her to be fashionably late. That's just who Ashleigh was. Fashionably late, crazy, but unnaturally loveable. One could say that's what Looker liked about her most. He watched his co-workers pass by, but there was still no sign on Ashleigh. Looker wanted to at least reach Sinnoh by night. Then the two of them could stay at Canalave City or Snowpoint City - depending on where the S.S. Aqua dropped Looker and Ashleigh off at.

    Ashleigh, Looker's beautiful subordinate, had finally arrived. She seemed to have changed out of her work outfit into something a bit more casual. She was now wearing a blue tanktop, a black skirt, and her usual black trenchcoat. Looker had kept his usual outfit, but planned to change before arriving in Sinnoh. The two greeted each other politely and left the International Police Headquarters for Olivine City.
    ~~
    Ashleigh and Looker arrived at Olivine City just before nightfall. They stopped at a Pokémon Center only to find it closed. Looker let out a quiet sigh while Ashleigh panicked. She was always the type to panic when she couldn't sleep in a comfortable bed. Looker turned away from the Pokémon Center and looked up at the setting sun. He would find a place for himself and Ashleigh to stay. No matter what.
    ~~
    After about half an hour of searching, Looker found an inn not too far from Olivine City. Ashleigh had fallen asleep right when they arrived, but Looker was unable to sleep. Instead, he was looking over the new commander's profile, Charon. He seemed like the type of person who wanted to take Cyrus out of his leadership position, but looks were nothing to Looker. One had to actually meet the person before making assumptions. It was just common sense. And Looker had common sense.
    --
    That's it! Well, for now anyways. Chapters 2 & 3 will be coming soon. =] But for now, please enjoy the prolouge and chapter 1. Any comments and such would be appreciated.


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  2. #2
    Fanfiction Critic Silawen's Avatar
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    Default Re: Setting Sun

    Hey, hey! ^^ I had a bit of time, so...here comes a review.

    Prologue
    Unfortunately, what you wrote isn't really a prologue. It's more a summary of what is going to happen in the story. Prologues tend to be about something important that happened prior to the beginning of the story. Something vital that either shaped the hero, caused the events of the story to take place, or includes information that the reader has to know before they read the rest but can't be placed in the actual story.

    This doesn't seem to be anything like that, as it involves things that have yet to happen. It's also incredibly short, even for a prologue. My reasoning has always been that if it's shorter than a page, then you could probably have included it in the story somewhere.

    Instead of posting a summary as the prologue, you could have perhaps written about the forming of the 'International Police' or how 'Looker' joined them. Either way, a prologue is still about telling a story, not summarizing what you're going to do later.

    As a side note; to me it seems rather silly that people wouldn't be able to guess that 'Looker' isn't his real name. I'd say people joining such an important organisation would be thoroughly screened first and having only one name, especially such an odd one, doesn't look like something they'd simply pass over entirely.

    Looker took a good look around his office. It seemed to be quite messy, but he didn't mind one bit. A knock on the door, followed by familiar Pokémon sounds, made Looker straighten up quickly. When the door opened, Looker was able to relax a bit. It was only his partner, Ashleigh, and her Pokémon, Piplup. She closed the door behind her and smiled happily.
    I edited that one sentence slightly, because the way it was worded there made it look like Ashleigh and Piplup were both pokémon, instead of just one of them. (Usually, sentences that follow a comma refer to the sentence/word(s) before it. So their names would refer to the pokémon.)

    As the start of your opening chapter, I would have liked to see a bit more of a setting. You're starting things off with a very dull action. Looker looking up. You could have set the tone by expanding on the room being messy. Show us what kind of person he is by showing his workspace. Places people work or live in show a great deal about a person's personality, so you could have set up what kind of guys he is in the first paragraph, without even explicitly mentioning it.

    How about mentioning the mess. Talk about the papers on the desk, piled in a haphazard way. Or the pens on the floor and the overturned bin. Start by painting a scene, instead of going right to the action. If you draw the reader in immediately and make them feel part of the world, then the rest will be much easier. ;)

    Ashleigh pulled out a folder from inside her black trenchcoat and held it out for Looker to take. He took it from her hands and placed it on top of a mass of other papers on his desk. Taking it from her, Looker opened the folder to find a picture of a man with blue hair inside.
    While the mention of the papers on his desk - setting up that the place was messy - is a nice touch, that sentence isn't necessary. Seeing as it makes no sense for him to take the folder, put it down, then grab it again to open it, you could have done without it.

    Also, try to vary your sentences. They don't all have to be the same length and they don't all have to start with a person. (Ashleigh, Looker, he, she, etc.) Variation makes reading exciting!

    Looker moved the paper to see another Galactic member.
    What paper? Folders aren't papers, and the only papers you mentioned were on the desk.

    Four? Looker remembered hearing about three commanders, but definitely not four of them!
    Definitely, not defiantly. You probably meant 'definitely' in the prologue as well. ^^

    Looker closed the folder and looked up at Ashleigh. "Ashleigh, what's our mission?" Ashleigh, who had comfortably taken a seat in one of the unoccupied chairs and was tying a ribbon around her Piplup's neck, looked up when Looker said her name.
    You use 'look(ed) up' a lot, probably too much. It's bad enough to repeat words like that, but especially when you have a character named 'Looker'. It feels repetitive. Maybe try something else, like 'glanced up' or 'gazed up', or whatnot.

    "To find out whatever it is that Team Galactic is up to and stop whatever it is they're trying to do," Ashleigh replied. Looker nodded and stood up. Ashleigh blinked and looked up at her co-worker.
    Enter.
    "Then let's get a move on. You know where to meet me, right?" Looker asked as he walked over to the door. Ashleigh nodded just as her "boss" walked out the door.
    It's becoming really noticeable that you use the same sentence structure throughout the story so far. (Person.)(Action.) A lot of the time, that action is looking up. There are other ways to start a sentence, you don't always have to start with a person. Take the last sentence, for example. You could have said:

    "Just as her boss walked out the door, Ashleigh nodded in agreement."
    "Nodding, Ashleigh watched her boss walk out the door."
    "Watching her boss walk out the door, Ashleigh nodded in agreement."

    There are plenty of other ways, these are just a few. Try to vary. ^^

    Oh, and whenever a new person starts speaking, you start a new paragraph. So if Ashleigh was talking and then Looker says something, you need to start a new paragraph. Otherwise it's still Ashleigh who's saying things.

    Looker tapped his foot impatiently on the ground as he waited for his partner. It wasn't unusual for her to be fashionably late. That's just who Ashleigh was. Fashionably late, crazy, but unnaturally loveable. One could say that's what Looker liked about her most. He watched his co-workers pass by, but there was still no sign of Ashleigh. Looker wanted to at least reach Sinnoh by nightfall. Then the two of them could stay at Canalave City or Snowpoint City - depending on where the S.S. Aqua dropped Looker and Ashleigh off at.
    This is your character exposition for Ashleigh. Unfortunately it's all 'telling' instead of 'showing'. I'm not sure if you're familiar with those terms, but basically you're informing us of her personality traits, instead of showing us what she's like through her actions and thoughts in the story.

    Showing is always better, because it feels more like a story. Readers can deduce things by themselves, you don't have to tell us those kind of things. If she does something crazy, then we can see that she's doing and being so. You don't have to tell us that she is. Do you understand what I'm saying? ^^

    Ashleigh, Looker's beautiful subordinate, had finally arrived. She seemed to have changed out of her work outfit into something a bit more casual. She was now wearing a blue tanktop, a black skirt, and her usual black trenchcoat. Looker had kept his usual outfit, but planned to change before arriving in Sinnoh. The two greeted each other politely and left the International Police Headquarters for Olivine City.
    Suddenly, she has arrived? You could have shown her arriving. You're again telling us, all the while completely ignoring what is going on. If you didn't want to write her arriving, then why was it mentioned? You have to write out things, otherwise it just feels like a quick report of what happened instead of a story. We're not military people who need quick reports to know what's going on.

    09.00: Target seems to be waiting for companion.
    09.02: Companion has arrived. Companion is female, reasonably attractive, and seems to be carrying a bag.

    Etc. We don't want that. We want a story.

    You also dumped information on us here. A lot of beginning writers do this, especially with character description. They dump everything on the reader at once, which makes it feel very out of place. There is no reason to go into what she's wearing here, because it's not really significant to the story. A quick mention of the more casual clothes would have worked, but it could also have been integrated into the story somewhere else.

    Ashleigh and Looker arrived at Olivine City just before nightfall. They stopped at a Pokémon Center only to find it closed. Looker let out a quiet sigh while Ashleigh panicked. She was always the type to panic when she couldn't sleep in a comfortable bed. Looker turned away from the Pokémon Center and looked up at the setting sun. He would find a place for himself and Ashleigh to stay. No matter what.
    You're really listing what is going on, instead of telling a story. "This happened. That happened. This person did this. That person did that. Etc." It's not enjoyable, at least to me, to read things like that. You jump from one time frame to another, completely ignoring everything that happened in between, and then list what is going on.

    And you once again tell us what Ashleigh is like. If she's so vain that sleeping somewhere other than a pokémon centre is so scary to her, then show her panicking. Write a scene where she goes crazy at the thought and give us a feel of Looker's personality by how he reacts to it.

    I'm confused why the centre would be closed, though. Something like a pokémon centre should be open 24-7, what with all the trainers and pokémon needing help. Also, Looker's making it into something very important. Almost as if finding a place to sleep - which would probably only take a few minutes, as there are quite a few houses in Olivine - is some sort of dangerous task that they had to complete. Seems a bit strange.

    After about half an hour of searching, Looker found an inn not too far from Olivine City. Ashleigh had fallen asleep right when they arrived, but Looker was unable to sleep. Instead, he was looking over the new commander's profile, Charon. He seemed like the type of person who wanted to take Cyrus out of his leadership position, but looks were nothing to Looker. One had to actually meet the person before making assumptions. It was just common sense. And Looker had common sense.
    Just half an hour. Which shows finding a place to sleep really isn't that big of a deal.

    I have to wonder how Looker can deduce that this new guy would try to dethrone Cyrus just by looking at his picture. Especially if he follows that up by saying that you can't tell anything from someone's picture.

    More 'telling' here instead of 'showing'. You're informing us of the fact that Looker has common sense, but we have yet to see any evidence of that. In fact, we have yet to see much of anything.

    Throughout the story you've jumped from place to place, skipping over scenes and hardly telling us anything at all. What has really happened this chapter? Just them on a boat and finding that the pokémon centre was closed. That's it. Nothing really happened. Nothing had a chance to happen, because all scenes were short and ultimately led to another time jump.

    You condense a journey that could have taken a chapter or two into three paragraphs. You could have told about the travelling, the time spent on the ship, or how they walked through Olivine in search of a place to sleep. You could have shown us what kind of people they are instead of telling us. However, instead of doing that, there was a whole lot of nothing. Which is very unfortunate.

    My suggestion to you would be to think things through a bit. What are you going to write about and in what way? Then sit down and slowly tell a story. Don't gloss over things, don't mention things unless you think they need mentioning, and paint a picture of what's going on. Don't tell us something is happening, show us!

    A beta reader would probably help with that. ^^

    Good luck and let me know if there's something you're unsure about!

    Thank you, Saffire Persian, for the lovely banner.

  3. #3
    i'm wide awake Felly's Avatar
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    Default Re: Setting Sun

    Wow. That was long and drawn out. I'll just take this piece by piece, haha.

    Unfortunately, what you wrote isn't really a prologue. It's more a summary of what is going to happen in the story. Prologues tend to be about something important that happened prior to the beginning of the story. Something vital that either shaped the hero, caused the events of the story to take place, or includes information that the reader has to know before they read the rest but can't be placed in the actual story.

    This doesn't seem to be anything like that, as it involves things that have yet to happen. It's also incredibly short, even for a prologue. My reasoning has always been that if it's shorter than a page, then you could probably have included it in the story somewhere.

    Instead of posting a summary as the prologue, you could have perhaps written about the forming of the 'International Police' or how 'Looker' joined them. Either way, a prologue is still about telling a story, not summarizing what you're going to do later.

    As a side note; to me it seems rather silly that people wouldn't be able to guess that 'Looker' isn't his real name. I'd say people joining such an important organisation would be thoroughly screened first and having only one name, especially such an odd one, doesn't look like something they'd simply pass over entirely.
    Yeah, I dunno why I typed prolouge. I meant to type summary, but I think prolouge came to mind first. I still have yet to write the prolouge, but when I do, I'll be sure to take those ideas into mind, haha.

    I edited that one sentence slightly, because the way it was worded there made it look like Ashleigh and Piplup were both pokémon, instead of just one of them. (Usually, sentences that follow a comma refer to the sentence/word(s) before it. So their names would refer to the pokémon.)

    As the start of your opening chapter, I would have liked to see a bit more of a setting. You're starting things off with a very dull action. Looker looking up. You could have set the tone by expanding on the room being messy. Show us what kind of person he is by showing his workspace. Places people work or live in show a great deal about a person's personality, so you could have set up what kind of guys he is in the first paragraph, without even explicitly mentioning it.

    How about mentioning the mess. Talk about the papers on the desk, piled in a haphazard way. Or the pens on the floor and the overturned bin. Start by painting a scene, instead of going right to the action. If you draw the reader in immediately and make them feel part of the world, then the rest will be much easier. ;)
    Yeah, I see what you did with that sentence. It makes it a bit less confusing. And I do think I didn't explain Looker's office well enough. Seems like it would create a nice scene. Just wondering though. =/ Should I take like a whole paragraph to explain it or would just a few sentences be enough?

    While the mention of the papers on his desk - setting up that the place was messy - is a nice touch, that sentence isn't necessary. Seeing as it makes no sense for him to take the folder, put it down, then grab it again to open it, you could have done without it.

    Also, try to vary your sentences. They don't all have to be the same length and they don't all have to start with a person. (Ashleigh, Looker, he, she, etc.) Variation makes reading exciting!
    Yeah, I see what you mean with that. It is a lot of actions. =/ And I'll work on that sentence variety. I'll really work on it. It does seem to be getting a bit repetitive.

    What paper? Folders aren't papers, and the only papers you mentioned were on the desk.
    Yeah, I seemed to have left that out. It felt like it was a bit awkward when I was typing it up.

    Definitely, not defiantly. You probably meant 'definitely' in the prologue as well. ^^
    I always seem to spell that word wrong. :( It's just a really bad habit. I'll work on actually spelling that word right. =] I think I did in a future chapter. =/

    You use 'look(ed) up' a lot, probably too much. It's bad enough to repeat words like that, but especially when you have a character named 'Looker'. It feels repetitive. Maybe try something else, like 'glanced up' or 'gazed up', or whatnot.
    Yeah. When I was writing it, I kept capitalizing Look(ed) a lot. I should probably avoid using look(ed) unless it's absolutely necessary.

    It's becoming really noticeable that you use the same sentence structure throughout the story so far. (Person.)(Action.) A lot of the time, that action is looking up. There are other ways to start a sentence, you don't always have to start with a person. Take the last sentence, for example. You could have said:

    "Just as her boss walked out the door, Ashleigh nodded in agreement."
    "Nodding, Ashleigh watched her boss walk out the door."
    "Watching her boss walk out the door, Ashleigh nodded in agreement."

    There are plenty of other ways, these are just a few. Try to vary. ^^

    Oh, and whenever a new person starts speaking, you start a new paragraph. So if Ashleigh was talking and then Looker says something, you need to start a new paragraph. Otherwise it's still Ashleigh who's saying things.
    Yeah, that was accidental with Looker's... um.. darn, I forgot the word. Spoken words. (We'll go with that since I forgot what I was going to say. xD) And I see what you mean with the variety.

    This is your character exposition for Ashleigh. Unfortunately it's all 'telling' instead of 'showing'. I'm not sure if you're familiar with those terms, but basically you're informing us of her personality traits, instead of showing us what she's like through her actions and thoughts in the story.

    Showing is always better, because it feels more like a story. Readers can deduce things by themselves, you don't have to tell us those kind of things. If she does something crazy, then we can see that she's doing and being so. You don't have to tell us that she is. Do you understand what I'm saying? ^^
    I'm not exactly seeing what you're saying here. Like I see what you mean with the show, not tell thing. I'm just not completely understanding it.

    Suddenly, she has arrived? You could have shown her arriving. You're again telling us, all the while completely ignoring what is going on. If you didn't want to write her arriving, then why was it mentioned? You have to write out things, otherwise it just feels like a quick report of what happened instead of a story. We're not military people who need quick reports to know what's going on.

    09.00: Target seems to be waiting for companion.
    09.02: Companion has arrived. Companion is female, reasonably attractive, and seems to be carrying a bag.

    Etc. We don't want that. We want a story.

    You also dumped information on us here. A lot of beginning writers do this, especially with character description. They dump everything on the reader at once, which makes it feel very out of place. There is no reason to go into what she's wearing here, because it's not really significant to the story. A quick mention of the more casual clothes would have worked, but it could also have been integrated into the story somewhere else.
    Yeah, I seemed to have left out explaining things again, haha. I'm not sure where I could've put Ashleigh's change of clothes in at. I'll have to see if I can fit that in somewhere else. =/

    You're really listing what is going on, instead of telling a story. "This happened. That happened. This person did this. That person did that. Etc." It's not enjoyable, at least to me, to read things like that. You jump from one time frame to another, completely ignoring everything that happened in between, and then list what is going on.

    And you once again tell us what Ashleigh is like. If she's so vain that sleeping somewhere other than a pokémon centre is so scary to her, then show her panicking. Write a scene where she goes crazy at the thought and give us a feel of Looker's personality by how he reacts to it.

    I'm confused why the centre would be closed, though. Something like a pokémon centre should be open 24-7, what with all the trainers and pokémon needing help. Also, Looker's making it into something very important. Almost as if finding a place to sleep - which would probably only take a few minutes, as there are quite a few houses in Olivine - is some sort of dangerous task that they had to complete. Seems a bit strange.
    I'll work on fixing the whole listing of events thing. As for the Pokémon Center being closed, I'll have to explain that. Looks like I'll have to explain the whole finding a place to sleep thing as well.

    Rest of post: Whoo. Almost done, lol. They weren't actually in the boat; that's the next chapter. I'm assuming the International Police Headquarters is in Johto, since the games, or anything else for that matter, don't exactly reveal it's location.

    I'll work on fixing things up a bit in future chapters, so it actually looks like something was done. And when I type and post chapters 2 and 3 up, I'll be sure to add in things and such.

    Btw, thanks for the advice! =] I really appreciate it!


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  4. #4
    Fanfiction Critic Silawen's Avatar
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    Default Re: Setting Sun

    Yeah, I dunno why I typed prolouge. I meant to type summary, but I think prolouge came to mind first. I still have yet to write the prolouge, but when I do, I'll be sure to take those ideas into mind, haha.
    *grins* Well, people tend to write the prologue - prologue, not prolouge ^^ - before the first chapter, but I suppose this works too. XD

    Yeah, I see what you did with that sentence. It makes it a bit less confusing. And I do think I didn't explain Looker's office well enough. Seems like it would create a nice scene. Just wondering though. =/ Should I take like a whole paragraph to explain it or would just a few sentences be enough?
    That depends what your aim is going to be. If you want to use it to showcase his personality, then you could make it as long as you want. The more, the better. However, if it's just scenery, then a short paragraph would probably do. It's entirely your choice, though. Whatever works best for you.

    I'm way too much of a description nut, myself. I love setting up the setting - no pun intended - and I can write paragraph upon paragraph on it sometimes. It's personal taste, really.

    Yeah, that was accidental with Looker's... um.. darn, I forgot the word. Spoken words. (We'll go with that since I forgot what I was going to say. xD) And I see what you mean with the variety.
    Dialogue, maybe? ^^

    I'm not exactly seeing what you're saying here. Like I see what you mean with the show, not tell thing. I'm just not completely understanding it.
    Yeah, it's very hard to explain. It's just something that you have to...feel, sortof. Let me try to explain it more thoroughly, though. Maybe by using something in your fic as example. Let's take this bit:

    She was always the type to panic when she couldn't sleep in a comfortable bed.
    It's not the best example, that probably would have been the 'fashionably late, crazy, but lovable' one, but it's all I have time for right now.

    Now, you told this sentence. You went out and said what she is like instead of letting us experience this and find it out for ourselves. So, you tell us that she is always the type to panic when she can't sleep in a comfortable bed.

    Too much telling gets annoying, because it feels like the writer is informing you of something, but doesn't want to take the time to actually shot it to you.

    This, however, would be a - probably crappy - attempt at showing, instead.

    Night was falling like a blanket, surrounding them in pitch black. A chill had taken a hold of him as they walked in the cold, at a brisk enough pace to annoy Ashleigh and amuse him, in search of the pokémon centre he knew was nearby.

    Hearing rustling all around him, he kept one eye on his friend and the other on the road. It wouldn't be the first time that bad people lay in wait to prey on the good and he certainly didn't intend to be easy. If he went down, he'd go swinging.

    Luckily that didn't end up being the case, though, as the familiar contours of a pokémon centre rose up before them. While all were slightly different, there was enough recognition there to feel comfortable. The knowledge that there was always a centre nearby if he needed help proved to be a great comfort, especially now.

    "Look, we made it," he murmured, glancing back at Ashleigh. The woman had been grumpy about the forced walk, but surprisingly quiet about it. He had no illusions about that lasting.

    "Finally!" Dashing past him, Ashleigh had walked up to the front door in no time. Looker shrugged, following at a slower pace, as he started whistling quietly. This would be an interesting evening.

    "Oh, heeell no!"

    He looked up, catching the incredulous pitch to his companion's voice. Sidling up to her, he noticed her hand resting against the door.

    "No, no, no."

    Looker frowned. "What?"

    "It's closed! It's fricking closed!" Ashleigh screamed, banging her hand on the glass a few times. As if it would help. "Hey! Hey, open up!"

    Trying the handle himself, Looker soon realised she wasn't kidding. It didn't give way at all. Inside he could see one tiny light flicker, almost teasing them, but there was no movement and all was quiet. No one seemed to be home.

    "They're joking, right?" Ashleigh asked, a quiver to her voice. "I can't sleep outside. I have hayfever! And, and, asthma! Sleeping out in the open will kill me! Damnit, Looker, the last time I slept on the ground my back threatened to walk out on me. My body doesn't deal with rough and tough outdoorsy stuff well."

    Scratching his head, he looked over at her. "Well, hun, I think you better tie your backside down, because if we don't find something else soon, that's exactly what we're going to do."

    Swearing cut through the still night-air. Groaning softly, Looker stared up at the starless sky. It was going to be a
    very long night.

    See that? Crappy, yes, but you can see her panic, right? I never outright said she panicked, but you can - hopefully - tell from her actions and words that she's none too keen about being locked out of the pokémon centre. I tried to show you what she's like. I showed you that she panics when coming across a situation like this. You get a glimpse of her personality, without me deliberately telling you 'well she panics when she can't sleep on a comfy bed'. The reader can deduce this by themselves instead of needing to be told.

    That's showing instead of telling.

    Did that help at all? XD I hope so! If not let me know and I'll elaborate.

    Btw, thanks for the advice! =] I really appreciate it!
    No problem, twas my pleasure. ^^

    Thank you, Saffire Persian, for the lovely banner.

  5. #5
    i'm wide awake Felly's Avatar
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    Default Re: Setting Sun

    ^ Ahh, I'm seeing what you mean now that you've provided an example. [A very good example at that. ^_^] Thanks! =]

    Anyways, here's chapters 2 and 3! =] Enjoy!

    Chapter 2 ~ Meet the Player!
    Daylight arrived quickly, but only Ashleigh was awake. Looker had fallen asleep sometime during the night, obviously after Ashleigh. Now Ashleigh was making every attempt possible to wake her co-worker up. "Alright, then, buddy. Don't wake up! Piplup! Use Water Gun!" Piplup jumped up happily and used Water Gun on Looker, who almost immediately jumped up.

    "Wh-what's going on?!" Looker exclaimed, looking around as if he was some sort of confused Pokémon. Ashleigh couldn't help but burst out in laughter while Looker let out a quiet sigh. Then... he just suddenly let his eyes fall upon a certain Piplup just as an evil grin appeared on his face.

    "Ashleigh..." The laughter ceased immediately. One could hear a pen hit the floor because it was just that quiet. "Never.. and I mean never.. use your Piplup to wake me up again." Ashleigh nodded silently and walked over to the door as Looker took a quick glance over at the clock. The S.S. Aqua was scheduled to leave in exactly thirty minutes! Looker immediately jumped up and straightened himself up, grabbed the folder, and ran out of their lodging with Ashleigh and her Piplup close behind him. The two arrived at Olivine City port with time to spare. Ashleigh and Looker showed their tickets to one of the shipmates and boarded the ship, which looked and seemed just like any other ship. They walked to their room and entered it quickly. When the door was finally shut, Ashleigh resorted to giving Looker an awkward expression.

    "What?" was all that Looker was able to force out of his mouth before he realized why Ashleigh was giving him the awkward expression. His outfit was the same as it was when they left the International Police Headquarters back in Johto! If anyone saw him at this point, he would be screwed big time! Especially if they asked for his identification card. That was an indefinite fact. Looker glanced at Ashleigh, who was still staring at him with her awkward expression.

    "Ashleigh, could you, erm.. go? You know, so I can change?" Looker politely asked. Ashleigh nodded and quickly exited the room. After all, the last thing she wanted to see was Looker naked. The mere thought of it made her shudder as she closed the door.
    ~~
    Ashleigh wandered the corridors of the ship with her trusty Piplup by her side. Just as she turned one of the corners, however, someone had ran into her, which caused both Ashleigh and the unknown person to fall down. Despite the fact that both people fell down, Ashleigh felt as if she was the one at fault.

    "Oh! I'm so sorry!" Ashleigh cried as she scrambled to her feet and helped the other trainer to her feet. The other girl smiled politely after Ashleigh helped her up.

    "Thanks! I'm Dawn by the way. What's your name?" the younger girl asked. Ashleigh hesitated for a moment. She couldn't tell Dawn her real name. That would get her in major trouble with the International Police if they were to find out. It would also get her in trouble with Looker if he ever found out. If Ashleigh ever did something bad and Looker found out, he would throw a major fit. Luckily enough, by this point in Ashleigh's thought process, she had a "codename" thought up. "Nice to meet you, Dawn! I'm Kayln."

    The younger girl still had her smile plastered onto her face, even after Ashleigh had introduced herself. It was a bit scary, even to Ashleigh, who was scary herself. Ashleigh couldn't help but let out a weak laugh, but immediately stopped when she felt an arm around her shoulders.

    A quiet gasp escaped Ashleigh's lips as she noticed Looker beside her. Dawn had disappeared by the time Ashleigh was able to turn back around and apologize for her behavior. Sighing, Ashleigh pushed her partner, whom she was not romantically involved with, back to their room on the ship.
    ~~
    Ashleigh couldn't help but pace the room with an annoyed look on her face. Sure, she could admit to anyone except Looker, who was now sitting on his bed, that she had a little crush on him, but she just wasn't ready for a relationship now. They had a mission to complete! Now Looker couldn't have forgotten about that already... could he?

    No. No, he couldn't have. Looker wouldn't forget the mission just like that. He just wouldn't. Ashleigh's co-worker just wasn't that forgetful as far as she knew. He cared way too much about his job to allow something like romance to interfere with his work. But no, Ashleigh would have to ponder on Looker's love life later. Right now, she had a mission to complete!
    ~~
    The S.S. Aqua arrived at Snowpoint Harbor early the following morning. Both Looker and Ashleigh followed Dawn and her close friend off the ship. Dawn's friend, who's name was Austyn, seemed like a pretty nice guy just by the vibe he gave off. But it was like Looker always said, looks were nothing.

    "Well, it was nice meeting you, Looker and Kayln! I hope I see you again!" Dawn and Austyn chorused. Looker and Ashleigh, who seemed to be recieving an awkward expression from her partner, gave their farewells to Austyn and Dawn before going their seperate ways. It was only the start of their journeys... and little did they know that they would cross paths once more in the near future...

    Chapter 3 ~ Lake Acuity
    Snowpoint City, and the area surrounding it, was obviously covered in freezing snow. It was also home to the Ice type gym leader known as Candice. It was also home to numerous Ice type Pokémon including Snover and Sneasel. There was also Lake Acuity, home to the legendary being of knowledge, Uxie. Knowing Team Galactic, they would try and capture Uxie and the other two lake Pokémon, Mespirit and Azelf, as well as the beings of time and space, Dialga and Palkia.

    Since Snowpoint City was one of the cities close to a Mount Coronet entrance, Team Galactic was either nearby or at least on their way. Looker led the way to Lake Acuity, but stopped when he noticed unfamiliar jagged rocks.

    "Rock Climb," Looker mumbled, which made Ashleigh look up. The entrance to Lake Acuity just had to be up there! Ashleigh definitely didn't have a Pokémon that could use Rock Climb, but it made her wonder if Looker's Croagunk could use Rock Climb.

    "Hm. This isn't good... Team Galactic could already have Uxie..." Looker pondered aloud. Team Galactic couldn't get Uxie! It wouldn't happen for as long as Looker lived! He had to use Rock Climb. "Alright. Go! Croagunk! Rock Climb now!" Looker yelled. Looker and his trusty Croagunk scaled the mountain and reached the top of the mountain quickly. Croagunk hopped back down immediately and helped Ashleigh up the mountain as well. When the two reached the top of the mountain, Looker was already gone. Ashleigh and Croagunk chased after him, following his footsteps left in the white, blanket-like snow.

    "Looker!" Ashleigh cried out when she realized that her partner was captured. It was now blatantly obvious that Team Galactic beat them to Lake Acuity.

    "Ashleigh, take Croagunk and get help! Now!" Looker yelled before he was kicked by one of the Galactic grunts. Ashleigh nodded with a pained expression and fled the scene before Team Galactic could do anything to her and Croagunk.

    Ashleigh headed straight for Snowpoint City and ran for the center of the city, where the gym seemed to be located. She stepped aside just as a blonde woman opened the door to exit the gym. Then it hit her.

    This was the Sinnoh League Champion! This was Cynthia! "Cynthia..." Ashleigh whispered as Cynthia passed by. The league champion didn't seem to hear her since Cynthia didn't react at all. Then, Croagunk snapped Ashleigh out of her shocked daze.

    "Oh! Cynthia! Cynthia!" Ashleigh called. Cynthia instantly turned around and faced Ashleigh and Croagunk. The Sinnoh champion didn't seem mad, surprised, or anything. Instead, she seemed emotionless, which made Ashleigh wonder if all league champions were like that.

    "Yes? Can I help you?" Cynthia asked politely. Ashleigh nodded and explained the situation to Cynthia, up until the point where the two met up. Luckily enough, Cynthia agreed to help. The trio headed back to Lake Acuity to find Looker unconscious and Team Galactic gone. Poof. Not there anymore. They had obviously disappeared from the beautiful and serene lakeside sometime between the time they knocked Looker unconscious to the time Ashleigh and Croagunk returned with Cynthia.
    ~~
    Cynthia and Croagunk had taken to taking care of Looker while Ashleigh watched quietly. When Cynthia confirmed that Looker would be okay in an hour or so, she gave her farewells to Ashleigh and Croagunk before leaving the Pokémon Center. Ashleigh watched as Cynthia left and realized they were going to need back up. She had to contact the International Police. And she had to do it soon.


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    Registered User The Outrage's Avatar
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    Default Re: Setting Sun

    Unfortunately, what you wrote isn't really a prologue. It's more a summary of what is going to happen in the story. Prologues tend to be about something important that happened prior to the beginning of the story.
    Shakespeare's prologue to Romeo and Juliet was a summery of the entire play.

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    Reader and Writer Legacy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Setting Sun

    I'm likin it Felly! keep it up.

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    Fanfiction Critic Silawen's Avatar
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    Default Re: Setting Sun

    Quote Originally Posted by Outrage View Post
    Shakespeare's prologue to Romeo and Juliet was a summery of the entire play.
    Ehm, thank you for informing us of that? You can't compare the two, though. Shakespeare used true poetry to make readers curious about the story. He left it suitably vague, yet enticed the readers nonetheless, wereas here it's basically a summation of 'this is my main character and this is going to happen to him'.

    Not sure why you felt the need to reply to my one comment, instead of reviewing yourself, but there you have it. XD

    Thank you, Saffire Persian, for the lovely banner.

  9. #9
    i'm wide awake Felly's Avatar
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    Default Re: Setting Sun

    Haha, alright. This is chapter 4. Chapters will be coming one by one now since they'll pop up much faster than by in groups of two.

    Chapter 4 ~ Mount Coronet
    Looker awoke early the following day, but Ashleigh and Croagunk hadn't woken up yet. This gave Looker a chance to escape while he had a chance to do so. He had to get to Mount Coronet and stop Cyrus. He just had to! The clumsy male scrambled through masses of papers on a nearby table trying to find a single blank one. He didn't seem to care that none of the papers belonged to him. All he wanted was a blank sheet of paper. Then, after a few moments of scrambling, he finally found one. Looker snatched it up immediately and grabbed a pen from the front desk. Now he was all prepared to begin writing his note to Ashleigh.

    Ashleigh,
    I'm desperately sorry that I had to disappear so suddenly, but I just want to catch up to Cyrus. I want revenge for what he did to me at Lake Acuity. I'll be fine. I promise. Don't come after me either.

    Love,
    Looker.


    "Come on, Croagunk. We're leaving," Looker whispered as he signed the note with gracefulness and sorrow. His Croagunk jumped up at it's master's command and followed him out the doors of the Pokémon Center. He was free; free like a wild Pokémon. All he had to do now was run as fast as he possibly could.
    ~~
    Ashleigh awoke to a messy atmosphere. Looker's note was on the nightstand beside her bed. She read it with a shocked expression plastered onto her face. He was gone. Really really gone. Tears formed in Ashleigh's eyes. She knew what was going to happen to Looker now. He was going to be hurt! Or possibly even worse!

    "Looker, you dumb fool," Ashleigh whispered. "You've really done it now. You've really gotten yourself into some deep stuff." She sighed as she crumbled up the note in her hands. The tears that had formed in her eyes were finally falling.

    "Looker! You dumb idiotic fool! How could you do this?!" Ashleigh yelled as she slammed her hand on a nearby table. Talking would do nothing at this point. Ashleigh would have to chase him. She returned her Piplup to it's PokéBall and ran out of the Pokémon Center. She had to go to the Sinnoh International Police and report what was going on immediately.
    ~~
    Looker arrived at a dark and spooky cave entrance. He looked at his Sinnoh map and realized he was at one of Mount Coronet's many entrances. He sighed as he entered the cave and put his map away. It was quite dark inside, but Looker could see perfectly fine. The male walked quietly through the cave, but stopped when he saw a group of people with familiar bowl cut hair styles.

    "So what do you think Master Cyrus is up to?" one of the grunts inquired. The other grunt shrugged. Grinning happily, Looker released his Croagunk from it's PokéBall.

    "Go use Poison Jab on them," Looker whispered in a commanding tone to his Croagunk. His Croagunk sneaked up behind one of the grunts and used Poison Jab on him. Just as the other grunt began to react, Croagunk used Poison Jab on him as well. Looker came out from behind his hiding spot and started running straight past the two unconscious grunts with his Croagunk close behind him.

    "Nice job, by the way, Croagunk," Looker murmured. They stopped when they saw even more Galactic members. He recognized one as Commander Mars, but the rest appeared to be grunts. Looker gave his Croagunk the command to attack the grunts once more. Croagunk managed to take down both grunts, but Mars was a different story.

    "Purugly! Let's go! Take out that pesky Croagunk with Slash!" Mars commanded. Looker jumped out from his hiding spot once more, which startled Mars.

    "Croagunk! Dodge and use Poison Jab!" Looker commanded. Croagunk barely dodged Purugly's Slash attack and barely hit the opposing Pokémon with Poison Jab. The Pokémon continued battling until Purugly fainted. Looker and Croagunk escaped while Mars tended to her fainted Pokémon. One obstacle down and possibly a lot more to come.


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  10. #10
    i'm wide awake Felly's Avatar
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    Default Re: Setting Sun

    Le bump. :) The Looker fanfic hiatus is over! I'm on chapter 7 in my writing and that'll probably be the longest chapter yet! But this is chapter 5. <3 So please enjoy!

    Chapter 5 - Looker vs Cyrus
    Looker continued traveling through Mount Coronet with his Croagunk. He had already eliminated one of the Galactic commanders, much to his surprise. If Team Galactic was this much of a pushover, Looker would probably beat Cyrus easily. He stopped, however, when he noticed a familiar face. It was Dawn... and she was in Mount Coronet at the worst time possible!
    ~~
    Ashleigh ran past the two guards at the Sinnoh International Police Headquarters and entered the lobby quickly. The receptionist looked at Ashleigh, who had guards surrounding the area behind her, not allowing her to exit, as if she had just left a mental hospital and needed to go back.

    "I need to speak to the head of this facility immediately! It's an emergency!" Ashleigh exclaimed as she fumbled for her wallet which contained her identification card. She found it and whipped it out, showing it to the receptionist and the multitude of guards behind her. The guards backed away and returned to their posts, knowing that she was one of their own.

    "Take the elevator up to the third floor and go to the third door on your right. That's his office," the receptionist replied, nodding to Ashleigh. She thanked the receptionist quickly and ran towards the elevator.

    "Out of the way!" Ashleigh yelled as she reached the elevator. Everyone scrambled to try and get out of her way, but those who didn't manage to move quickly enough were shoved out of her way. She quickly boarded the elevator and began pushing the button that would allow the elevator to take her to the third floor. The elevator doors closed slowly, causing Ashleigh to get even more annoyed, but then it started moving, relieving her of the slow elevator doors annoyance for the moment. Two floors up and Ashleigh ran out of the elevator once the doors were open wide enough for her to fit through them. She ran down the required three doors, and knocked on the third door to her right out of sheer politeness.

    "Come in," the voice on the other side called. Almost instantly, Ashleigh barged into the room, startling the person in the room.

    "Sorry, sir, but this is a major emergency," Ashleigh began. "My name is Ashleigh and I'm from the Johto International Police Headquarters with a man named Looker. We were both assigned to stop Team Galactic. I was under direct orders from my boss in Johto to stay with Looker at all times and he has disappeared unexpectedly."

    The older man nodded and dialed a few numbers into his office phone as he gestured to Ashleigh to take a seat. She reluctantly took a seat in one of the chairs in front of the desk. She was better off being comfortable in this desperate situation. The only thing she could hope for was that he wasn't calling the Johto Headquarters; then she'd be in some major trouble.
    ~~
    "Dawn! What are you doing here?!" Looker called. Dawn froze in her tracks as did her Piplup. She didn't turn around at all and as he realized what was about to happen, he was immediately hit with a wave of nostalgia.

    "Piplup! Water Gun!" Dawn commanded, just as Ashleigh had done before. Looker braced himself as Piplup released a wave of water from it's penguin like body. The wave of water struck Looker, causing him to become quite wet.

    "Dawn... it is me; Looker. If you turned around, you would've known that," Looker sighed. Dawn immediately turned around and just as she did, her expression changed from scared to shocked and apologetic.

    "Oh, Looker! I'm so sorry! Here's a towel!" Dawn cried out, rummaging through her bag like purse for a towel. She found it and threw it over Looker's head. Looker sighed once more as he took the towel and rubbed his wet hair dry. His hair was back to it's wind swept style after just a few moments. He handed the towel back to Dawn once he was completely dry.

    "So why are you here, Dawn? You never did answer my question," Looker repeated. Dawn grinned as she put the towel back into her purse.

    "I'm training my Pokémon! Wanna see?" Dawn replied happily. The older male shook his head. Her excitement quickly disappeared as Looker slowly walked by Dawn and Piplup.

    "Hey, hey! Where are you going?!" Dawn yelled, stepping in front of Looker. Piplup hopped onto it's owner's head, yelling at Looker in it's own Pokémon language.

    "I am just exploring. Training my Croagunk as well. Basically what you are doing," Looker calmly replied. He wanted to reveal nothing about his work for the International Police.

    "Oh... well, can I come with you?" Dawn asked happily. Looker immediately froze up. He was in a major nutshell now. If he told Dawn about his work, he would be screwed if she was a loudmouthed idiot who couldn't keep a secret worth an extremely rare Pokémon. But Looker would have to tell her eventually. Not right now though; right now, she would most definitely be a good companion on this quest in Mount Coronet.

    "I... um... sure! Why not?" Looker replied nervously, scratching the back of his head as he spoke. Dawn stared at Looker in puzzlement, but ignored his nervousness and did a little happy dance.

    "Yay!" Dawn cheered. "Thanks so much, Looker! I'm sure we'll make a great tag team!" All Looker could do is shake his head in annoyance as he and Dawn carried on with their journey through Mount Coronet.
    ~~
    "Alright, miss. I understand that your partner has disappeared. I'm trying to find him with the tracker that's embedded into your identification cards. Will you please just shut the hell up?" the head of the Sinnoh International Police Headquarters, who Ashleigh found out was named Mason, stated in annoyance. Ashleigh, however, couldn't wait any longer. She needed Looker now. Ashleigh was in love with him and just being away from him was breaking her heart into pieces. Her sparkling blue eyes filled with tears that she refused to let fall at this time.

    "Okay, Ashleigh. He's in Mount Coronet. Do you need any help getting there?" Mason stated, his mood calmer than it was just moments ago. Ashleigh immediately shook her head, wiped the forming tears from her eyes, and set out for Mount Coronet without even thanking the Sinnoh police chief for his work. She knew he was going to think of her as an arrogant, impatient jerk, but all she wanted was her Looker. That was the last thing on her mind.
    ~~
    Ashleigh smiled softly as she stopped outside of the entrances to Mount Coronet. She was going to save the man she had fallen in love with no matter what happened. Ashleigh was determined; it was most definitely reflected in her blue eyes. Smiling with determination, Ashleigh slowly walked through the mountain entrance.

    As it was when Looker entered, the cave was dark, but not blindingly dark. Ashleigh slowly walked through the cave, but stopped instantly when she noticed unconscious Galactic grunts.

    "What the--?" Ashleigh murmured as she bent down to examine the Galactic grunts. When she realized they were unconscious, Ashleigh jumped back up and carried on walking through Mount Coronet. As she carried on walking, she noticed even more unconscious bodied belonging to more Galactic grunts.

    "Looker -- or someone else, for that matter -- has definitely been here... Oh, Looker, I do hope you're alright," Ashleigh murmured to herself. She stepped around the bodies once more and continued walking through the crazy cave full of large rocks.

    "Looker, when I find you... I'm definitely giving you hell. And lots of it too, you jerk," she mused to herself once more.
    ~~
    "Piplup, use Bubblebeam!" Dawn cried. The penguin Pokémon released a blast of bubbles straight from it's beak, aiming straight from the Graveler that she and Looker ran into. The Graveler fell and Dawn and Looker carried on with their travels through Mount Coronet.

    "Hey! You! Stop right there!" an unfamiliar voice called. Looker and Dawn stopped and turned around simultaneously and gazed at the plum haired woman before them. There was a Zubat and Skuntank by her side. Looker glanced over at Dawn, who nodded happily.

    "Buneary! Take the spotlight!" Dawn cried. Looker did something just as Dawn Buneary materialized from it's PokéBall, but with his Croagunk instead.

    "Heh. You twerps really think you can beat me?" the woman asked.

    "Actually, I do not plan to battle you unless it is absolutely necessary. So who are you?" Looker inquired. He glanced over at Dawn, who appeared as if she was ready to win yet another battle. Little did Dawn know, however, was that Looker was dying to tell her that this could be dangerous; extremely dangerous. But he knew that if it came down to it, he would be able to protect Dawn.

    "I'm Commander Jupiter of Team Galactic. And you two?" the woman now identified as Jupiter replied with a sly grin.

    "Looker of the International Police. Scared?" Looker replied. Jupiter nodded instantly as she returned her two Pokémon back to their respective PokéBalls. Dawn did the same, suspecting that there would be no battle for her to win.

    "S-scared?! Hah! I'm not scared! I'm just running to go alert Master Cyrus of your arrival!" Jupiter replied nervously. Just as she finished, she disappeared almost instantly. Looker scoffed just as another female figure started to appear.

    "Who are you?" Dawn called out into the darkness of the mountainous cave. The figure let out a quiet gasp and approached Looker and Dawn with caution.

    "Piplup... use a Bubblebeam so we can figure out what's up there," the now familiar voice commanded. Looker also allowed a quiet gasp to escape him as the unknown person's Piplup began to release a beam of bubbles.

    "Ashleigh!" Looker yelled, jumping in front of Dawn so that she didn't get hurt by the attack. "It is just me and Dawn! You do not need to attack!" Just as the Piplup heard Looker's voice, bubbles stopped coming from it's beak.

    "L-Looker?" Ashleigh called quietly. "Is that you?" Looker smiled when the other female recognized his voice. His response was a simple yes and when he did reply, Ashleigh immediately ran over to Looker and slapped him as hard as she could. Looker flinched at this, but managed to recover quickly, despite the fact that there was a red hand print slowly forming on his face.

    "What was that for?" Looker innocently asked. This earned him another seemingly painful slap on the opposite side of his face.

    "You know exactly what you did, Looker! You're a complete and utter jerk!" Ashleigh cried out in frustration. Looker chuckled to himself innocently, but earned himself a hard punch in his right shoulder from Ashleigh.

    "Um, I realize you two are having a lover's quarrel and all, but I think we need to stop those people with the freaky haircuts," Dawn suggested. This snapped Looker and Ashleigh out of their quarrel instantly. Both of the International Police members nodded and put their differences aside for the time being.

    "Dawn's right! We gotta get to Spear Pillar so we can stop Team Galactic!" Ashleigh stated, grinning in excitement. Looker grunted and nodded in response to Ashleigh's statement before leading the way to Spear Pillar.
    --
    Will finish tonight. :) Going out naooooooooo.

    EDIT: Done. :) You're welcome for it being done.
    Last edited by Felly; 19th June 2009 at 02:48 PM. Reason: Finishing. :)


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  11. #11
    i'm wide awake Felly's Avatar
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    Default Re: Setting Sun

    So chapter 5 was long. I don't think chapter 6 is as long though. Anyways, enjoy the 6th chapter of Setting Sun! (Specifically released on Felly's birthing day!)

    Chapter 6 - Spear Pillar
    Spear Pillar, despite being at the top of a mountain, was a very beautiful place. It was home to the beings of time and space, Dialga and Palkia. The portal allowing entry to the Distortion World, home to Giratina in it's Origin Forme, was located here as well. Rumor also had it that there was a passageway to Arceus, the God of Pokémon, as well. People had called it the Hall of Origin. The only way to make said passageway to appear was to play the Azure Flute at the Spear Pillar.

    "So this is where the legend took place. This is Spear Pillar," Cyrus murmured to himself. Dawn looked from Cyrus to Looker and Ashleigh, hoping they knew what was going on.

    "I think he's referring to how Sinnoh was created," Ashleigh stated, catching the hint Dawn was giving. "Where Dialga and Palkia and Giratina were created. Of course, it's all legend, Dawn. That's all it is."

    "Oh. So then--" Dawn was then cut off by a rumbling sound. "Wh-what was that?!"

    Looker peered behind the pillar he was behind to see a large black and purple vortex on the ground in front of Cyrus. "That is the way into the Distortion World! Dawn, distract the admins! Ashleigh can help! I want Cyrus!" Looker commanded. Once he was finished, Looker ran towards Cyrus and tackled him.

    "Cyrus, you are mine!" Looker yelled. Cyrus smirked as he rolled over into the vortex. Both men screamed as they fell through. The females had ceased their battling to watch their leaders disappear into the purple and black vortex.

    "Looker!"

    "Master Cyrus!"
    ~~
    The Distortion World's name really did describe it perfectly. It really was distorted. Looker, who finally managed to sit up, could see some platforms that were nothing like the one he was currently on. His Croagunk, which had gotten out of it's PokéBall, tapped Looker's leg innocently.

    "What is it, Croagunk?" Looker inquired. Croagunk pointed at Cyrus, who was still unconscious. "Oh, dear. Well then, I suppose I should get moving before he awakens. I must explore this place and find Giratina before Cyrus does!"

    And with that statement in mind, Looker started to travel through the maze that was the Distortion World. He had to know what Pokémon, if any, lurked in the Distortion World. It would definitely go well on his report when he was finished with his assignment!
    ~~
    "This is all your fault!" Commander Jupiter screamed. Ashleigh sighed quietly as she realized that her attempts to talk sense into these Galactic fools was useless. She had been telling them the same thing over and over again since the Galactic admins started accusing her and Dawn over the disappearance of their male companions.

    "Whatever. I give up with you idiots," Ashleigh stated. She took a PokéBall off of her belt and threw it up into the air. An Altaria materialized from the PokéBall. Ashleigh caught the PokéBall as she climbed onto her Altaria. "Come on, Dawn. We're gonna go."

    "Alright, I'm coming," Dawn replied as she reluctantly climbed onto Altaria's back. Ashleigh patted Altaria's neck and it immediately took off. Ashleigh was already determined to find Looker, even if she lost her life trying.

    "Hey! Get back here, you fools! I'm not done with you yet!" Jupiter screamed into the air at Ashleigh's departing Altaria. Mars shook her head and sighed at her idiotic companion.

    "Jupiter, they probably can't hear you since they're already gone. There's no point in yelling now," Mars bluntly pointed out. Jupiter realized this soon after and slammed her fist into a nearby pillar.

    "Those fools are gonna get it! And you can believe that!" Jupiter yelled in a determined voice. She was definitely ready for revenge.
    ~~
    Altaria stopped just outside of a nearby town. Ashleigh and Dawn slid off of Altaria's back and landed safely on the ground.

    "Thanks Altaria. I really appreciate it," Ashleigh stated as she returned Altaria to it's PokéBall. She turned to Dawn and gestured for her to follow her. Dawn followed Ashleigh obediently into the nearby town. When Ashleigh stopped to read the sign, she watched Dawn examine her map.

    "Celestic Town... I think that's where we're at, Sa-- um, Ashleigh," Dawn stated. Ashleigh examined the sign to see that they were in fact in Celestic Town, one of the oldest towns in Sinnoh. According to the sign, Celestic Town was where the past lived. The two girls travelled into the town and immediately walked to the Pokémon Center. When they entered, Ashleigh froze in her place while Dawn kept walking to the counter.

    "Um, excuse me, Nurse Joy? Could you tell us where the mayor's house is?" Dawn bravely asked. The other figure turned around and faced Dawn, but froze up when he saw Ashleigh. The unknown figure turned and faced Ashleigh once he saw her out of the corner of his eye. Both Ashleigh and the figure pointed their figure at the opposite person.

    "You!" Ashleigh and the unknown figure cried out in anger. "What are you doing here?!"

    "I'm here because a good friend of mine is lost! What about you?!" Ashleigh snarled, placing her hand on one of her PokéBalls. She lowered the hand she was using to point with as did her "friend."

    "Ironic. That's why I'm here. Lemme guess; you and the newbie need to talk to the mayor?" the figure replied, giving Ashleigh and Dawn a sly smirk.

    "Hey! I'm not a newbie! I'm Dawn from Twinleaf Town! Just who the hell do you think you are?!" Dawn retaliated, pointing her finger at the unknown figure.

    "Heh, I'm Lance, champion of the Pokémon League in Johto and Ashleigh's brother," Lance replied. Ashleigh looked away in annoyance. The last thing she wanted was to see her brother.

    "Don't you have league busine-- Oh forget it! Why don't you take us to the mayor's home?!" Ashleigh demanded. It was only understandable since Lance was the big brother figure out of the three. Lance nodded, indicating that he agreed with Ashleigh's plan. He walked past his sister and Dawn and then out of the Pokémon Center. Ashleigh followed behind her brother reluctantly and made a gesture to Dawn for her to follow, which she also did reluctantly.
    --
    OH. LANCE MAKES AN APPEARANCE! :) Isn't that oh so awesome? And he's Ashleigh's sister. That is shocking. <3 Last minute changes ftw.


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  12. #12
    Registered User woops's Avatar
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    Default Re: Setting Sun

    I lurve this fic, though I don't think I ever commented. Also,
    "Looker!"

    "Master Cyrus!"
    Makes it look like Dawn was saying "Master Cyrus!". If An admin was saying that, it should've been a bit more clarified.

    Other than that, you're description needs a bit touching up, but I'm way too demanding in that area.

    Wonderful.

  13. #13
    A black and white world Blackjack Gabbiani's Avatar
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    Default Re: Setting Sun

    So if Cyrus is unconcious, shouldn't Looker cuff him before moving on to find Giratina?

  14. #14
    i'm wide awake Felly's Avatar
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    Default Re: Setting Sun

    Quote Originally Posted by The Meme-er
    I lurve this fic, though I don't think I ever commented.
    Hehe, thanks! I'm glad you like it!

    Quote Originally Posted by The Meme-er
    Makes it look like Dawn was saying "Master Cyrus!". If An admin was saying that, it should've been a bit more clarified.

    Other than that, you're description needs a bit touching up, but I'm way too demanding in that area.

    Wonderful.
    Yeah, but if you think about it, Dawn probably wouldn't side with the bad guys.

    And yeah, I'm working on fixing my description. I do agree with you on that. It's like that and not having Looker use words like I'm and you're.

    Quote Originally Posted by Blackjack Palazzo
    So if Cyrus is unconcious, shouldn't Looker cuff him before moving on to find Giratina?
    Technically, yes. But then I would have to skip everything else and go straight to the Charon section, thus cutting the amount of chapters in half. I'm shooting for at least 20 chapters, but that's probably pushing it in itself.


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  15. #15
    A black and white world Blackjack Gabbiani's Avatar
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    Default Re: Setting Sun

    Well, he could cuff him but there could be an escape, like "I left him here. I know this to be the truth. However now there are only handcuffs and a lockpick. From this I conclude that the fiend has absconded from the arm of the law. They are sneaky weasels, the Team Galactic is!"

    (or something).

    Because to pursue a major criminal and then forget to cuff him at all is kinda...not very bright.

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