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  1. #76
    I need beer money dammit! Rob Anybody's Avatar
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    Default Re: Seasons, Book 1, Autumn

    This is great! I always thought being champion would be dull, but Samia humanises it. So his gift is some sort of mind meld is it? it would mean he bonds with his pokemon easier, no? Overall I rank it 7.5/10
    I don't calculate stat values, and I don't care about natures. I catch my Pokemon the way they are. I just play the game normally. If you agree copy & paste this in your sig.

    ALL BOW BEFORE THE MIGHTY HYPNOTOAD!


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    Default Re: Seasons, Book 1, Autumn

    Quote Originally Posted by Rob Anybody View Post
    This is great! I always thought being champion would be dull, but Samia humanises it. So his gift is some sort of mind meld is it? it would mean he bonds with his pokemon easier, no? Overall I rank it 7.5/10
    7.5!!! I rate it 10 out of 5! 200%!!

  3. #78
    Child of the Atom Hellion's Avatar
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    Default Re: Seasons, Book 1, Autumn

    Hey... so SCND asked me to look at his fic so here are my impressions.

    The style is interesting, fluid and there's a good rhythm. Some of the dialogue did feel a bit unnatural at times, but nothing jarring. No glaring mistakes that I could see.

    Story wise, I like the idea of a disillusioned champion who feels unmotivated and that you went an used an anti-hero. The Absol blade and the mysterious "gift" that Samia has are intriguing. My one problem is that I couldn't quite grasp the motivation of the main character. Why stay on as Champion if it's boring? Why despise tournaments but organize one after the death of the only person he cared about? Why suddenly feel the need to challenge himself. The latter especially felt a bit out of the blue and more of a way to get the plot started than a logical progression of the plot.

    Still, some lines made me laugh, mostly when he was talking about Cynthia and Misty.

    Overall, it's an interesting story. Keep it up.

  4. #79
    is obsessed with Noivern! Zekurom's Avatar
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    Default Re: Seasons, Book 1, Autumn

    Hmm... seems to be getting a little better now.

    I won't be so quick as to give it a 75/100 right off the bat like Rob Anybody did, however. I need some time if you want me to give you a numerical review.
    The word "quadragonal" is the only word with "dragon" in it where "dragon" is not a root word. That makes it awesome.

  5. #80
    Guess Who's Watching... Aladar's Avatar
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    Default Re: Seasons, Book 1, Autumn

    Okay, you did ask me for a review so here it is...

    I'm glad to say that the grammar errors are very, very small and can be easily overlooked when you are reading. There's plenty of description as well, including in the Pokémon battle. Which I find very good because I've always loathed X used Y and hit Z battles. One way you can improve your description even more is to describe what the main character feels through his five senses- sight and hearing are generally always used in description but don't forget the rest of them. Say, a devastating Fire type attack can be felt with the skin and quite clearly smelled with the nose, no? It's not just one big shiny explosion a big KABOOM and then nothing.

    It's still quite early to tell but I sincerely hope that the main character's empath-like abilities aren't there just to make him special. Or shove him into a prophecy or something.

    And as others have pointed out, try to change the dialogue a bit, make it more lively. When you write try putting yourself in the character's shoes- not only the main one but all the others talking. For example, the old geezers at the league commitee could've used longer and more elaborate sentences or something like that.

    And from what I gather, this tournament is organized to find a suitable new grand champion, right?

    Overall, a very good fic, you just have to work more on the dialogue and we'll see how it's going to turn out when the main part starts.


    A lone detective takes it upon himself to solve the murder of a young woman, willingly diving into the dangerous web of conspiracies weaved by the feuding mafia families. But after the truth is uncovered, will that city of sin be the same ever again?

  6. #81
    I need beer money dammit! Rob Anybody's Avatar
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    Default Re: Seasons, Book 1, Autumn

    Quote Originally Posted by Zekurom View Post
    I won't be so quick as to give it a 75/100 right off the bat like Rob Anybody did, however. I need some time if you want me to give you a numerical review.
    I'm only ranking it on the story so far.
    I don't calculate stat values, and I don't care about natures. I catch my Pokemon the way they are. I just play the game normally. If you agree copy & paste this in your sig.

    ALL BOW BEFORE THE MIGHTY HYPNOTOAD!


    Garrus Vakarian Facts


    My Fic: Fabricati Diem, Pvnc Help a struggling writer! Read and review! Constructive criticism is much appreciated!

  7. #82
    Fanfic Writer some colour no doubt's Avatar
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    Default Re: Seasons, Book 1, Autumn

    Wow i wake up to more reviews, :p thanks guys!
    Okay, a theme I'm seeing recurring is dialogue. I'll try to improve this in later chapters as best as I can, thanks for pointing it out.

    Quote Originally Posted by Hellion
    Why stay on as Champion if it's boring? Why despise tournaments but organize one after the death of the only person he cared about? Why suddenly feel the need to challenge himself. The latter especially felt a bit out of the blue and more of a way to get the plot started than a logical progression of the plot.
    Whilst i haven't mentioned this yet, there is a reason that will come to light in most likely one of the next 2-3 chapters.

    Quote Originally Posted by Aladar
    It's still quite early to tell but I sincerely hope that the main character's empath-like abilities aren't there just to make him special. Or shove him into a prophecy or something.
    There is a past and a reason he has this gift, it's not just there because i thought it would make him cool and such, I have a good back-plot planned out, but I don't want to reveal it just yet (Some may be revealed soon, but not 100% of it)




    Again, for those of you who took the time, thanks very much! The next chapter is in its final stages of completion, so will be here in the next few days!
    Last edited by some colour no doubt; 20th January 2011 at 11:11 AM.

  8. #83
    is obsessed with Noivern! Zekurom's Avatar
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    Default Re: Seasons, Book 1, Autumn

    Quote Originally Posted by Rob Anybody View Post
    I'm only ranking it on the story so far.
    I know that. Even then, it takes me longer to compile the numerical review.

    Also, what "empath" ability? I haven't found anything of the sort in the story... >_>
    The word "quadragonal" is the only word with "dragon" in it where "dragon" is not a root word. That makes it awesome.

  9. #84
    Fanfic Writer some colour no doubt's Avatar
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    Default Re: Seasons, Book 1, Autumn

    Quote Originally Posted by Zekurom View Post
    I know that. Even then, it takes me longer to compile the numerical review.

    Also, what "empath" ability? I haven't found anything of the sort in the story... >_>
    In the prologue, during the battle between Sandslash and Houndoom.
    It hasn't been a major part of the story as yet, it's also mentioned slightly in first chapter but only in passing.
    It will be touched on in more detail at some point.

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    Default Re: Seasons, Book 1, Autumn

    Awesome story!

  11. #86
    Fanfic Writer some colour no doubt's Avatar
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    Default Re: Seasons, Book 1, Autumn

    Chapter 4
    A Worthy Successor?




    Samia stifled a bored yawn. Below him, the two combatants, if they could be classed as combatants, were commanding their heavy, slow, and powerful pokémon on the field. Samia was not impressed; whilst the large Ryperior was certainly impressive, if he himself had been battling, he would have wiped both those squads with his eyes closed.

    Looking around from where he sat, the arena was full of spectators, who shared none of his boredom. They cheered, screamed, shouted, clapped and celebrated every time an attack was cast, caring little for true battling technique.

    In his “executive” box, Samia had an unrestricted view of the field, along with anything he asked for. Several times he had inquired if Natasha would like to join him, but apparently, she was being kept busy by the League, getting things ready for Samia's eventual replacement.

    Samia wished he could have done something more productive, like train, or maybe stay in bed? Either would have been better than watching pathetic amateurs like these struggle to effectively use their powerful Pokémon. He wished for two things: one, that this farce would be over, and two, that he could see Alanah battle. She had fought once and won, yet Samia had been unavailable during the fight so couldn't watch it.

    Still, the odd competitor showed signs of talent. Cynthia looked to have improved significantly, as did a few others of the old crowd. Still, one new trainer who caught Samia's eye was a young boy, from some backwater town in Kanto, who blasted through his first two battles with an oddly powerful Pikachu and a good mixture of different regional Pokémon. Yet in third round he was crushed, so badly so that Samia actually flinched as his Pokémon sustained serious-looking injuries. That Charizard probably wouldn't fly straight for a while.

    Finally, the battle ended, and, per the image he had to keep up, Samia stood up visibly and applauded both competitors, then exited through his personal door into the depths of the League, heading towards the training arena.

    His impatience was getting unbearable. In the training arena, targets flew back and forth, with Absol taking them down with ease. Samia decided to sit down on the edge as Absol continued to blast the red and white bulls-eyes, even when their motion caused them to become a blur.

    Deciding he should sort his squad out, Samia thought of his Pokémon which he should use in his exhibition match against the new Champion. Over his travelling years, Samia had trained extensively, often at his Grandfather's ranch.

    Grandfather.

    Leaning back, Samia looked up at the familiar narrow strip lights, not really paying attention. If his Grandfather had been here, he would have his usual wise advice; what Pokémon to pick, how to avoid this deathly boredom, just in general to help him pass the time. Samia had never realized just how big of an input on his life his Grandfather had.

    Back to the matter at hand, Samia began thinking of his Pokémon. Flygon had rarely been used for battling even in the old days, mainly as transport, so he wasn’t usable. Sandslash was one of Samia's more accomplished Pokémon, often seen just behind Absol. Racking his mind, Samia worked out the pros and cons, strategies and combinations, and after several hours of brain racking in silence, he was awakened from his thoughts by the touch of a cold wet nose of the back of his neck.

    Startled, he turned to see Absol's dark face right next to his, Its red eyes gazing deep into his own blue, and Samia relaxed. He had a week till the final, all the time he needed to finalise his squad. Absol sitting next to him, Samia ruffled the fur on its head, and together they sat, trainer and Pokémon, in complete silence, simply enjoying the other’s company.

    Sighing, Samia stood up. He thought it was time to get to bed, he had enough of training today. Recalling Absol, Samia walked through the corridors, where he encountered Natasha. As she noticed him, she blushed, her complexion almost matching the redness of her hair.

    “Ah, sir, I was hoping to find you.” She spoke, looking at her feet sheepishly. “This letter arrived for you.” Without making eye contact, she thrust a letter towards him, then rapidly walked off the second he took it. Frowning, Samia hoped their exchange the other day hadn't left things too awkward between them.

    Walking into his room, Samia dropped onto the bed, comforted by the soft springs of his mattress, looking at the letter he had been given and considering whether he should tax himself and read it. “Why not?,” he thought. “I’ve done little else today.”

    Breaking open the envelope, he folded open the letter, where the first thing he noticed was the seal at the bottom. It showed two swirls of colour, one pink, one blue, locked together as two halves of a circle. It almost reminded Samia of two Pokémon's aura when they locked themselves in combat. Ignoring it, he proceeded to the actual letter. It was hand written, in elegant flowing text. It looked expensive as well.

    To the Former Grand Champion Samia. (Former? He hadn't left just yet!)

    We have learned that you are leaving the Grand League. Whilst many former battlers such as yourself tend to live in isolation after their glory days, training in solitude, we believe this is a massive waste of true potential, and would not like to see a talented battler such as yourself follow such a route.

    Our proposition is this. After the tournament, meet our representative in the City of Sootpolis, in the region of Hoenn. If you are interested, our contact, Kori, will meet you in the bar there, called the Shining Dragon. He will be there for five days after the tournament, so don't hang around!


    Samia scoffed. Great, some random society who wanted to add his name to their roster for nothing but to raise their profile. Samia was ready to throw the letter away, until he saw a small note on the bottom.

    If you are unsure or sceptical, look in the envelope.

    Frowning, Samia tipped the envelope down, and an old polaroid picture fell out. Picking it up, Samia looked at the picture and his heart did a double take. There, in the centre, stood his grandfather, looking significantly younger from when Samia had known him, with laughter on his face. On the chest of his blazer was sewn the same pink and blue seal at the bottom of the letter. This intrigued Samia's interest, yet he still was unsure. Deciding to sleep on it, Samia rolled into his bed, and willed himself to sleep.

    The next week seemed to fly by. Samia came up with the handy excuse that he was training as to avoid watching anymore dull battles, and finalized his squad. Looking at the six pokéballs, he felt a glimpse of nostalgia. These were some of his oldest Pokémon, and his strongest companions. And today, today was the final day.

    For the last time, Samia dressed into his Champion gear. Leather boots snugly gripping up his calves, tightly fitting to the black trousers. Over his black under shirt went his Champion's tunic, the gold pokéball emblem gleaming in the light. Finally, the red cape came, hooked around his shoulders gracefully, hiding his belt of pokéballs from view.

    In the mirror, Samia frowned. Brushing his hand through his brown hair, he contemplated how glad he was that he needn’t wear the ridiculous garb again. As he stepped out into the corridor, two hired guards instantly flanked either side of him, garbed in identical blue uniforms. They walked silently, their footsteps echoing in unison round the metal corridors. Up ahead, a light blossomed, expanding, everything behind it hidden. The hubbub of a crowd could be heard, accompanied by the disembodied voice of an announcer.

    “AND NOW, WE PRESENT...” boomed the voice of the announcer, “YOUR CHAAAMPION! SAAAMIAAAA!”

    The crowd cheered, and Samia stepped out into the light onto the centre of the battlefield. Huge granite walls surrounded him, protecting the raised crowd from the fury of the battling Pokémon. Samia waved, revolving, whilst inside he felt a mad craving to simply get this over with. The stadium rose into the sky, three tiers holding tens of thousands of eager fans. The field itself was was made of a tan dirt, which stuck to Samia's clean black boots. On either side of him, the two finalists approached, both female.

    One was easily the most recognizable face in the tournament. Cynthia. She wore her own, less ornate regional Champion's garb, a simple black outfit, with no decoration. Her long blonde hair concealed one of her eyes, and half of her face, bringing quite a mysterious feel to her. She was older than Samia, yet he still found her oddly attractive, even if she did have a bit of a temper on her when she lost. However, it was not Cynthia who interested him.

    The other competitor walked forward, with a beaming smile, waving up at the crowd. Samia's apparent cousin, Alanah. Her hair had changed from her picture, it was now much shorter, barely reaching her shoulders, yet it was still the same white blonde. Her clothes were rough to say the least, ripped jeans, a stained red t-shirt, muddy shoes. It did, however, fill the typical stereotype of a travelling trainer. When she saw Samia, her look of happiness changed, and she frowned.

    Both of the finalists were now either side of Samia, only two meters between the three of them. Samia could feel both of them staring him down, wondering why he was leaving the Grand League, no doubt.

    Alanah spoke first, “So then, Cousin,” emphasizing the final word, “my mother says that you are a bad influence, a blight on our family.”

    Samia couldn’t say he was shocked. What else did he expect from the spawn of his Auntie Davene? “Of course,” he replied in a monotone voice, “Why am I not surprised?”

    “My mother says that you are responsible for Grand-papa’s death.”

    Now that did surprise Samia. For a moment his anger purged reason from his mind, making him forget where he was and whom he was. Spinning on the spot, he faced his cousin, fuming.
    “How dare you!,” he snarled. “That man raised me, if anyone killed him, it was your bitch of a mother with her damned foolishness and arrogance.”

    Alanah laughed scornfully, “Oh, seems I've touched a nerve,” but then her expression changed, fury on her face. “But if you ever speak of my mother like that again, I'll crush you to a pulp.”

    It was Samia's turn to laugh. “You may try, oh dear Cousin,” he replied, his words laced with heavy scorn, “but you'd have to get there first. I'm sure Absol would wipe your entire team.”

    Alanah looked furious. She opened her mouth for a retort but was cut short by a loud cough. Cynthia was standing with her arms crossed, tapping her foot, and wearing a frustrated expression.

    “As much as I hate to break up this touching family reunion, we have a final to get on with!”

    “Of course,” Samia said smoothly, nodding his head to the Sinnoh Champion, “Now, this will be a full six on six battle. Substitutions are available at any time, and you may use any Pokémon you wish. There will be no time limit, and the winner will be presented the Grand Championship by me, after a exhibition match.” Samia listed off the rules, he had memorized them days ago. “Now have a good battle, and may the best trainer win!” With that, he turned and left the field, where on the edge of the arena a raised platform had been prepared, complete with what looked like a throne.

    As he walked up, Samia saw Cynthia and Alanah exchange quick words before heading to their respective sides of the field. Sitting down on the throne, Samia had an unrestricted view of the field. He stood up and picked up a microphone. “BEGIN!” His voice boomed out over the stadium. As he sat down, he surveyed the throne. It seemed to be crafted out of solid gold, with a purple velvet lining. It looked impressive, but it was far from comfortable.

    Fast as lightning, both competitors drew pokéballs from their belts and hurled them forcefully (and a bit unnecessarily in Samia's opinion) toward the field. At precisely the same time, equal flashes of light appeared, revealing two very different Pokémon.

    At Alanah's end stood a Pokémon that resembled a four legged tank, coloured blue with a steel cross running between its blood red eyes. A Metagross. Samia wondered if Alanah had sent out her strongest Pokémon first in order to try and wipe Cynthia. If so, she had a surprise coming.

    Cynthia however, was predictable. Whilst she was most likely saving her Garchomp for last, the Pokémon she had summoned was still one she was known for using. Roserade. Looking tiny in comparison, the grass type moved gracefully, looking like it was holding twin bouquets at the end of its thin green arms. Still, it took up a battle stance showing it wasn't here to mess around.

    The true announcer told the crowd the names of the Pokémon, and on a large battle screen, near a picture of both trainers, a black circle lit up with a picture of their first choice. Samia looked down at the field, mildly interested. This might be a good battle after all.

    Though from where he sat he couldn't hear the trainers commands, he had battled enough Pokémon to tell what was happening. Metagross's eyes glowed blue, in preparation for a psychic attack. If it landed, it would likely take out Roserade in one hit, so Cynthia shouted a command, and both Pokémon moved into action.

    A purple ball gathered between the petals of Roserade's 'hands', and spinning to gather momentum, it hurled the sludge bomb at Metagross before it could fire its psychic attack, blocking its eyes. The Metagross roared out in frustration and fired the Psychic attack randomly, missing Roserade but leaving a deep crack in the arena wall. The Roserade spun around gracefully, like a ballet dancer, in celebration of its attack.

    Shaking itself, Metagross got rid of the sludge blocking it's vision, and its furious eyes locked on to the still dancing Roserade. Metagross then moved quickly, tucking in its four legs and flying toward Roserade, attempting to crush it with the sheer weight of its body. Roserade elegantly flipped over the charging steel type at the last second, somersaulting over to the far end of the field.

    Metagross planted its four legs and wildly looked around for its foe, unaware it was behind it. Roserade gathered another ball of energy, this time a glowing ball of light, and fired it into the air. Instantly, the arena became warmer, like a summers day on the beach, despite the fact they were in a mountain range.

    Samia smiled, he saw Cynthia's tactic. She knew with her current choice she wouldn't stand a chance in toe to toe combat with Metagross, so she would avoid and harass it, forcing it to make a mistake, then finish it off. Alanah however, had other plans.

    Calmly, she called out an order to Metagross, who spun rapidly on the spot, facing Roserade and fired a beam of pure energy at the grass type. The Hyper Beam was so powerful it made the hairs on Samia's arm stand up. As the beam hurtled toward Roserade, Cynthia called out her own order, and Roserade quickly gathered up light from the intense sun and countered with Solarbeam.

    Both beams of energy collided in the centre of the arena, leaving a large crater and a pillar of smoke. Metagross fell backwards, gathering energy after such a draining attack. Roserade, however, had no such problems. It was running forward, so fast its legs seemed like a blur, barely seeming to touch the floor, and Alanah could do nothing but watch as Metagross tried to recover quickly from its hyper beam.

    As it ran, Roserade thrust it's right arm into the air, where a ball of sinister looking energy blossomed, spinning and pulsating. If that attack was anything, it would be a Shadow Ball to hit hard on Metagross. Roserade hurled the ball, straight at Metagross, where it impacted right between its eyes, denting the steel cross. The steel Pokémon roared in pain as the attack landed, yet managed to pull itself to its feet, having recovered from its Hyper Beam.

    Cynthia didn't hesitate, she commanded Roserade to fire another quick Solar Beam from close range, the powerful beam of solar energy blasted the static Metagross back towards its trainer, where it landed in a tangle of iron legs, like an upturned Squirtle.

    Cynthia smiled and the crowd cheered. Samia was slightly impressed, she had certainly improved from when he had been a young trainer at least. In contrast, Alanah looked angry, her eyes matching the same fury that was in her Metagross. She shouted something, and Metagross rolled over, albeit slowly, back on to its feet, where it stood on quivering legs, obviously suffering from the last combo of attacks.

    Samia was intrigued as to how Alanah would handle this. Cynthia had evidently had her Roserade train to avoid power attacks like Hyper Beam to compensated for its low health. If anything, Samia would have taken out Metagross and subbed in a faster Pokémon, yet Alanah seemed to be sticking with her first choice.

    She shouted out another inaudible order, and opposite, Roserade, crouched in preparation to avoid an attack. Metagross took a step forward, but as soon as it moved, Roserade thrust its left arm into the ground and grass came out of the floor around Metagross, wrapping itself around legs, holding it still. Roserade then stood tall, and pushed both of its arms out to either side of it, manipulating the Grass Knot attack, and Metagross's legs were pulled out, trapping it flat to the floor. More grass covered it, and eventually, the mighty steel-type was trapped.

    Roserade walked menacingly up to the trapped Metagross and Cynthia called something out, apparently aimed at Alanah due to her replying with the finger, to which Cynthia laughed. At the same time, Roserade stopped but two meters from Metagross and gathered two balls of dazzling solar energy, one at the tip of each flower, plenty enough to finish off its weakened foe. Raising its arms high, Roserade collected the two balls into one, and blasted a beam straight at Metagross, the force of the explosion covering the combatants in dust, hiding them from view.

    Samia leaned back. If the battle was going to continue like this it looked like he wouldn't have a chance to battle his cousin after all.





    Credit to my beta reader, Flame Battler for helping me with the grammar side of this!
    Last edited by some colour no doubt; 23rd January 2011 at 03:18 AM.

  12. #87
    #YEEZUS Ultra Pidgeot's Avatar
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    Default Re: Seasons, Book 1, Autumn

    Badass Cynthia is badass! Another great chapter! Your dialogue seems on the whole imporved.

    Every time Samia referred to Alanah as "Cousin", I couldn't halp but think of GTAIV

    "COUSIN! WANT TO GO BOWLING?"

    Anyway, great chapter, man. Keep up the great work!

  13. #88
    For the Barian World Durbe's Avatar
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    Default Re: Seasons, Book 1, Autumn

    This is a pretty good story. I like how you made Samia seem like a better Brett Favre except with Pokemon. I look forward to more of your writing.
    FC: 2723-9571-7949 IGN: Toshiro

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    Default Re: Seasons, Book 1, Autumn

    I love a good battle scene, and this one was very well done :) Im enjoying his commentary, and I look forward to seeing who wins this battle (I predict Alanah). I hope to see more family stuff after this, and look forward to the possible bar scene

    ^^^^ The GalacticVerse Bibliography (Thanks to Blazaking for Banner) ^^^^

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    Fanfic Writer some colour no doubt's Avatar
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    Default Re: Seasons, Book 1, Autumn

    Quote Originally Posted by gaarasword View Post
    This is a pretty good story. I like how you made Samia seem like a better Brett Favre except with Pokemon. I look forward to more of your writing.
    I'm gonna be perfectly honest, I have no idea what this is...
    :)

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