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Thread: Seasons, Book 1: Autumn

  1. #31
    Reader and Writer Legacy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Seasons, Book 1, Autumn

    Awesome chapter again! I really enjoy the seasonal angle to the story, really kind of takes the elemental side of Pokemon to that next level. Great stuff!

  2. #32
    Now available in 4D! Flygon 101's Avatar
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    Default Re: Seasons, Book 1, Autumn

    Yet another great chapter. A few niggles:

    You say that the grandfather is literally at "Deaths bed".
    Do you mean "At deaths doorstep" or "On his death bed"?

    Also, the emotional death scene with Samia and the grandfather - I dont think you handled it as well as you could,
    Dont worry; most authors struggle with emotional scenes. Its a downfall of a lot of professional novels.


    Good points:

    Samias reaction to his grandfathers death was good. The next stage is denial and replacement, as in 'Why couldnt it have been me!'
    Wishing you had died instead of them.

    Description is on the dot. Very detailed and full of energy. Keep up the good work on that.


    Best point?
    There is a FLYGON!
    I extend my hand to the marvelous authors of this forum. I have read your works and I know that your imagination knows no bounds. Can you help me create a region? I will dedicate the series of fics I intend to use this region for to the gracious people who choose to help me on this audacious task.


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  3. #33
    Moderator AceTrainer14's Avatar Forum Head
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    Default Re: Seasons, Book 1, Autumn

    Finally, another part! :D
    It did move kind of quickly, so I was able to feel some of Samia's emotion, though I think that bit could have been slowed down or extended to several chapters to build that emotion up,.
    But the idea of a Grand Tournament is very exciting :D

    ^^^^ The GalacticVerse Bibliography (Thanks to Blazaking for Banner) ^^^^

  4. #34
    Wigglytuff Zombie Gwingle's Avatar
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    Default Re: Seasons, Book 1, Autumn

    Best Fanfic I've read so far. And there have only been two chapters (and a prologue!) I agree with some of the above comments. Especially:
    Quote Originally Posted by Flygon 101 View Post
    The emotional death scene with Samia and the grandfather - I dont think you handled it as well as you could,
    Dont worry; most authors struggle with emotional scenes. Its a downfall of a lot of professional novels.


    Good points:

    Samias reaction to his grandfathers death was good. The next stage is denial and replacement, as in 'Why couldnt it have been me!'
    Wishing you had died instead of them.

    Description is on the dot. Very detailed and full of energy. Keep up the good work on that.


    Best point?
    There is a FLYGON!
    Keep up the good work!

  5. #35
    Vile Insect. RaccoonGoon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Seasons, Book 1, Autumn

    Wowza! I feel sorry to any Trainer that faces Samia with the mood he's in...

    Great chapter, good character development! Keep it up!

  6. #36
    Soul of the Trees Forest Spirit's Avatar
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    Default Re: Seasons, Book 1, Autumn

    Quote Originally Posted by some colour no doubt View Post
    Chapter 2
    All Alone


    Slowly, Flygon began to descend, and a building came into view, a vast, three storey building with rough brick walls and large double glass doors, doors which harshly reflected the evening sun.
    Uuuummm.. It might just be the way I usually write, but I actually think you might have put one to many 'doors' in. Correct me if I'm wrong. Other than that it was, as you said, EPIC.

  7. #37
    Fanfic Writer some colour no doubt's Avatar
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    Default Re: Seasons, Book 1, Autumn

    First of all, thanks for all the great reviews guys!
    As for Flygon's comment, i struggled with attempting to get my intentions across, as i am not great at that style of writing, which is why i attempted it I guess, challenge yourself and such.

    Quote Originally Posted by Thunder Master View Post
    Uuuummm.. It might just be the way I usually write, but I actually think you might have put one to many 'doors' in. Correct me if I'm wrong.
    I dont believe i did, but I'm not 100% now i look back at it, someone else here will have to shed light on it.

  8. #38
    Let's get funky! Gama's Avatar Former Head Administrator
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    Default Re: Seasons, Book 1, Autumn

    Quote Originally Posted by some colour no doubt View Post
    I dont believe i did, but I'm not 100% now i look back at it, someone else here will have to shed light on it.
    When reading through, I didn't notice it but looking at it now, you'd probably make that sentence go a lot smoother if you just wrote 'doors which'.

    Ok, first, before I go into writing style and plot, I just need to point out a few grammatical errors.

    But before that - one, single spelling error - you missed out the first "a" in Gyarados.

    Anyway, grammar.

    There were a few grammatical mistakes but they all, strangely, seem to be to do with the possessive. Perhaps you should look that up?

    Anyway, the word "it's" and "its" is a funny one. If you you're trying to say "it is" you use "it's" otherwise you don't use the apostrophe. So if you're saying, for instance, "Gyarados gnashed its jaws" you don't need an apostrophe. I know that sounds weird since it's possessive but, hey, I don't make the rules.

    Also, in any other instance, you need an apostrophe before the "s" for the possessive. For instance, in Chapter 2 you refer to "families" when it should be "family's".

    And "their" as in "It's their turn now" is always spelled "their". "There" is to indicate something, like "here".

    Anyway, on to the actual review!

    I have to say this is a fantastic fic! The battle scene was really engaging but what I really loved was Chapter 1. It was amazing. This is a really well written fic about an interesting topic and a well thought out character. This ability of his is certainly interesting, as well as what it might do to him.

    I'm sort of hoping we'll get a little more backstory in to why his family think it could be a curse (perhaps something to do with the negative impact of the ability - it is implied, after all, that the grandfather had the ability but they seem to have no problem with their father) and, if possible, why the Champion was so wordless and silent. Was it, as someone earlier suggested, because the job was so detestable?

    I can't wait to read more. Keep up the good work.

  9. #39
    The Dimension Wizard Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: Seasons, Book 1, Autumn

    Poor Samia, I mean he hadn't seen his grandfather in years and now the last time he sees him is only to see him die. Something that did get my attention was that Samia's grandfather wanted to explain before dying, I wonder what he was talking about and if Samia will listen to his warning.

  10. #40
    Now available in 4D! Flygon 101's Avatar
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    Default Re: Seasons, Book 1, Autumn

    Quote Originally Posted by Gastly's Mama View Post

    But before that - one, single spelling error - you missed out the first "a" in Gyarados.
    Wait, what?!? It's spelt with 2 'a's?
    I always spelt >>>Gyrados<<< like that. I thought it looked weird.


    Anyway, don't worry about grammar too much. Every fic has some form of grammatical error-whether it's a conjunctive noun or just that you forgot a capital letter.
    I extend my hand to the marvelous authors of this forum. I have read your works and I know that your imagination knows no bounds. Can you help me create a region? I will dedicate the series of fics I intend to use this region for to the gracious people who choose to help me on this audacious task.


    So Im asking you once again Bulbagarden - can you help me?



    http://bmgf.bulbagarden.net/f512/new-region-help-95004/

  11. #41
    Feudal Articuno Man Umbramatic's Avatar
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    Default Re: Seasons, Book 1, Autumn

    Alright, you've given me feedback on my fic, so I might as well give feedback on yours.

    This is a great fic so far. I can sympathize with a bored champ, especially one who has to wear a ridiculous outfit and go through a constant barrage of media attention like he does.

    My only problem is that the grandfather's death could have been done better, but as other people said most professional writers have trouble with that stuff too. That, and the grammar/spelling/word use errors, but you do better with those than most fic writers anyway.

    I'm guessing the "power" he has is gonna lead to something nasty. Which leaves me with a question: Why did the grandfather teach him how to use it anyways? (I also worry that revealing that the power is "bad" will justify the negative treatment his family gives him, but that depends totally on where you take your plot.)

    Anyway, the flaws are minor at worst. You've got a great story going here, and I can't wait to see where you take it.
    Yes, I am coming out of the closet as a Brony. Problem, manly men?
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    Check out the TVTropes Fanon Pokedex project! (especially the articles written by Umbramatic, which is most definitely not my alternate username ;) )
    Also, my recently-resurrected fanfic. And something N fans would love to read.

  12. #42
    Rocking the Lucario Thundagere's Avatar
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    Default Re: Seasons, Book 1, Autumn

    I think this'll be your best story yet!
    I'm sorry I haven't posted earlier. Makes me feel guilty,, but I've been busy. I can't reiterate, but I'll say that I like where this is going and you continue to impress me with your writing. Well done!
    I also love how you choose the underdog--Absol, Sandslash over something like Steelix, Flygon over something like Salamence--nice job!

    Made by Blue Dragon!

  13. #43
    #YEEZUS Ultra Pidgeot's Avatar
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    Default Re: Seasons, Book 1, Autumn

    I liked this chapter a lot better than the first, and it's gotten me really interested to see where this story's headed? Will Samia become a bad guy, or just an antihero?

    Overall, this has so far been awesome. Keep up the great work!

  14. #44
    Fanfic Writer some colour no doubt's Avatar
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    Default Re: Seasons, Book 1, Autumn

    Right, thanks for all the amazing comments guys!
    As for the issues raised, I have it all taken into account, and i had thought about it when first writing the plot, so don't worry, as far as I can tell, potential plot holes are covered, but if you notice anything, be sure to tell me, there is a chance I may have missed it!
    Now I'm back at uni where my notes are, I should hopefully have chapter 3 out by the end of the week!

  15. #45
    is obsessed with Noivern! Zekurom's Avatar
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    Default Re: Seasons, Book 1, Autumn

    Hey, pretty good story! (I said I'd work on English first, but I'm dry of ideas now, so I'll stay here to see if I can pick anything up.)

    Your description of the battle in the prologue was really awesome. Just as an examplar, this sentence:

    Looking up at the beautiful Milotic, he almost felt sorry for it. This was his most powerful pokémon, and few in the world could hope to stand up to it. Expanding the pokéball, he closed his eyes, knowing he was but seconds away from becoming grand champion.
    This is just pure win. Words cannot describe how awed I am at this style.



    However, you seem to be capitalizing things inconsistently.

    “Absol, Psycho Cut! Right through that hydro pump!”
    I know that "hydro pump" can mean a literal water pump, but when you're declaring the attack, it should always be capitalized.

    Along with that, there are just a few grammar and punctuation problems. Fix those, and you're golden.



    That's just the prologue, BTW. I'll get the others done later. >_>
    The word "quadragonal" is the only word with "dragon" in it where "dragon" is not a root word. That makes it awesome.

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