26th November 2012, 06:30 PM
ill suffer forever
Scars and Cuts
Trigger warning: This contains self harm and also mentions of schizophrenia, also slight eating disorder. If you don't like those topics, back out now and if this is not appropiate for the forum, I will surely delete it.
Dan looks at himself in the mirror, biting his lip. He hated what he saw. He really did. All he saw was ugly and fat. Those echoed through his head constantly. He didn't even know why he was alive. He was just a wandering soul, useless and beat up. Beat up by his own mind. Tortured by his own mind. He looks down, checking to see if the door was locked, and it was. He sighs of relief. He didn't want Phil to come in and see what he was doing. He opens the bathroom mirror to reveal many of his 'tools'. Sleeping pills, razor blades, really anything he could use to hurt himself. He knew it was a bad addiction. But he couldn't help it. His mind..the..the 'voices' begged him to. And once he started, he didn't know how to stop. But he didn't dare tell anyone. Not even Phil. His best friend. Which was coincidentally also the man he loved.
He looks up in the mirror, taking one of the razor blades, newly bought so it was fairly sharp, and he rolls up his right sleeve revealing many light cuts. He figured if he cut light, Phil wouldn't notice. He wouldn't care. He sets the razor blade to his wrist, blood already starting to seep out of it. He slashes at it, going deeper in some places and cutting in all different places on his wrist. He then cleans the blood off, having to take a few times since it just kept pouring out, but he didn't panic. It was...somewhat normal for him. He puts the razor blade up in the mirror, closes it and pulls down his sleeve. He slides his back down the wall, a sudden wave of deep depression crashing over him. It all came to him now. It all just fucking crashed into him as he came to a realization. His eyes start watering. He crawls up into a ball.
'Oh god. What am I doing to myself? I'm destroying myself. I've turned into a monster. I push the one person who cares about me away.', He thought. He buries his head in his hands, when he suddenly hears a knock on the door, jumping up. He bites his lip, wiping his tears away.
''Dan? Are you in there?'' He hears Phil's voice. He doesn't answer. He just goes and unlocks the door. Why? That was a huge fucking mistake. But he did it anyways. He sighs, looking up to see the black haired boy, staring at him.
''Are you alright?'' Dan nods. He wasn't fine though. He was a monster. He was intentionally destroying himself. But he decided to lie. Again. The lies just kept getting bigger and bigger. And hard to keep. The brown haired boy looks down, his eyes starting to water, but he quickly wipes them away. Phil still noticed though. He pulls his chin up lightly.
''Dan...I'm not that stupid, and you know that.'' Phil was right and he did know it. Dan knew it was a foolish thing to start such a habit when he knew Phil would find out anyways.
''I...I know. And I'm sorry. I guess I was just so caught up in...in hurting myself-'' he stops there, clamping a hand over his mouth. Shit. Shit shit shit shit shit. Why. Why couldn't he keep his mouth shut? God damn he just...he didn't know how to shut himself up. Now he would know for sure, and it was all because he didn't know how to keep his mouth shut. Phil keeps his gaze on Dan for a while before saying anything. He slowly hovers his hand over to Dan's, pulling his sleeve up slowly before jumping because Dan had flinched his arm away, pulling the sleeve down roughly.
''N...no. I won't let you look at them.'' The brown haired boy slides his back down the wall, crawling back into a ball again. He looks up at Phil, a helpless gaze in his eyes. ''P-Phil...'' he whimpers, ''M..make them go away. Make them stop.'' He clamps his hands up to his ears, rocking back and forth. ''T-They won't go away!"' He shouts. The black haired boy jumps at how loud his voice was. He slips over next to Dan, sitting him in his lap. He plays with Dan's hair with one hand and rubs his back soothingly on the other, telling him comforting things.
''Shh, shh... Dan...it's going to be okay. But...before I can help you, I need you to...to show me.'' Dan bites his lip, putting his arms down in his own lap. He gets up, putting his arms out in a way so that Phil could pull his sleeves up, and he did, slowly and gently. His eyes widen as he sees all the recent deep cuts on Dan's arms. He pulls his sleeves down, taking Dan and pulling him down in his lap again.
''I-I'm sorry,'' Dan whimpers. Phil shakes his head. He pulls Dan up, his face facing his own.
''It's not your fault.'' He kisses the brown haired boy on the forehead. ''If..if you just stay with me, I promise I will make you better. I promise you.'' He kisses him on the lips softly and Dan kisses back, before pulling away.
''I love you,'' he says, pulling himself and Phil up. ''And I promise I will get better...f-for you.''