Rival's Story: Epilogue

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  1. #1
    Hi Mr. Popo's Avatar
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    Default Rival's Story: Epilogue

    Taking place during the plot of GSC/HGSS, the true finale of Rival's Story ties up any loose ends from the original, as well as providing answers to our burning questions!

    Written in collaboration with Ghastly'sMama!
    Pecking order

  2. #2
    Hi Mr. Popo's Avatar
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    Default Re: Rival's Story: Epilogue

    A/N: Alright, this is my first fanfiction, so don't expect anything amazing. I'll admit, I'm probably going to suck for my first couple of stories, but just like everything else, practice makes perfect. I can only improve from here.

    EPILOGUE – Part One
    “Please...” strained Giovanni, “Second chance...”

    “You know what, Giovanni,” addressed Blue, “It just so happens that I believe everyone deserves a second chance.”

    “Thank you...” managed Giovanni, his mouth beginning to turn into a smile.

    “Unfortunately for you,” continued Blue, adorning his face with a cruel, vengeful smile, “ You've already had yours.” Blue will forever be haunted by that last look on Giovanni’s face, A mixture of both remorse and fear.

    Just as Blue reached a safe distance from Cinnabar, which by this point had been completely evacuated due to the tremors, he heard one last deafening explosion behind him. Once he heard the explosion, he knew for certain that Giovanni was gone. Blue immediately regretted what he’d just done. He had just left the former rocket boss to die in a volcanic eruption, as well as all of his pokemon, save for Honchcrow, who were still in their pokeballs, completely oblivious to what was happening until it was too late. He knew that no one, not even Giovanni himself, could do anything to deserve such a violent and cruel death. He knew that Red, who had trusted him to save the paralyzed man, would never forgive him. Worst of all, he remembered the rumors he had heard about Giovanni having a son that he had to raise alone. Please, merciful God, don’t let that rumor be true, Blue thought as he flew towards Pallet Town, his home.

    It’s been two and a half years since that fateful day, Blue took his place as the Viridian Gym Leader, and even planted a tree in front of the gym, with a plaque that read: In honor of the first Viridian Gym leader. Blue had decided to travel around Kanto again, in order to clear his head. He had no trouble getting permission to leave the gym for a while, since he seldom had any challengers.

    After about a week, Blue’s Alakazam began to get tired easily, so he decided to give it a break. Instead of sending it to the PC, however, he sent it to his grandfather. Surely, a Pokemon with an IQ of 5,000 would be a big help in the lab! Shortly after that, he saw it.

    While training in victory road, Blue encountered a wild Machop that, when he looked into it's eyes, showed the same fighting spirit that he saw in Maxwell’s Machop all those years ago. That one, however, had met it's end in the infamous “kiss of death” from The Scientist’s Weezing, saving Blue’s life while doing so. Because of this, he felt compelled to catch it.

    It put up a surprisingly good fight, jumping onto Pidgeot's back, then holding on with one hand while delivering multiple DynamicPunches with the other, before taking control like a jockey, and steering the poor bird pokemon directly into the wall. Gyrados didn't do much better. The moment Blue sent it out, he ordered it to use Surf. Before it got the chance to execute the command, the Machop jumped up, grabbed Gyrados by it's crest, and used seismic toss, slamming it face first into the ground, the rock floor cracking at the point of impact. Before Blue even had the chance to process what he had just seen, Machop grabbed the sea serpent again by the crest, and swung it repeatedly against the wall like a whip, threw it into the ceiling, and rocketed upwards, delivering a full power DynamicPunch into Gyrados' stomach, KO'ing it. It then proceeded to add insult to injury by performing a double backflip, and landing nimbly, balancing on one hand as it taunted Blue. Wow, this thing's even more of a show-off than Alakazam! Blue thought as he sent out his Exeggutor. Thankfully, Machop had worn itself out by this point, so Exeggutor was able to successfully pull off a hypnosis, putting it to sleep just long enough for Blue to throw a pokeball.

    Blue’s new team member was able to single-handedly carry Blue and his team out of the cave and to the nearest Pokemon Center, Evolving into a Machoke in the process. After his team was fully healed, Blue decided to tell his grandfather about this unusually strong Pokemon. Professor Oak requested that Blue send it to him for analysis, in exchange for returning it in the form of a trade afterwords (he traded his aerodactyl for it, if you really need to know), thus evolving it into a Machamp.

    Blue continued to travel around Kanto, visiting each Gym leader in the order he defeated them. Eventually, he reached the remains of Cinnabar Island. He sat staring at the volcano for a few minutes, before whispering “I’m sorry” under his breath. It was then that Blue heard a voice behind him.

    “Hello?”

    Blue turned and was surprised to see a ten year old boy looking back at him.
    “Who are you?” he asked, “Well, it's plain to see that you're a trainer... My name's Blue. I was once the Champion, although it was only for a short time... That meddling Red did me in...”

    “Well, that must have sucked!” the boy replied.

    “You bet it did! Anyway, what do you want?” asked Blue, “You want to challenge me or something?”

    “Yes, I do!” the boy seemed excited now.

    “...I hate to say it, but I'm not in the mood for a battle now.”

    “But why not?” he asked, clearly dissapointed.

    “Take a good look around you...” Blue responded, “A volcano erupts, and just like that, a whole town disappears. We can go on winning and losing in Pokemon. But if nature so much as twitches, we can lose in a second.”

    “Just like the Burned Tower…”

    “That's the way it is... But, anyway, I'm still a trainer. If I see a strong opponent, it makes me want to battle. If you want to battle me, come to the Viridian Gym. I'll take you on then.”

    “Alright then, see you there!” The boy said as he called out a Feraligatr and had it use Surf.

    Why didn’t he just use Fly? Blue thought. He was startled when he heard a sigh from behind him. Since when are there so many people on Cinnabar Island!? Blue wasn't expecting to see a red-haired boy, gazing longingly at the volcano. From the look on his face, Blue could tell that he was mourning. Possibly over a loved one.

    “Hey kid, are you alright?”

    The red-haired kid responded, “What? Oh, yeah I’m fine. I was just remembering all the fun times I had with my father. This was the last place anyone saw him before he disappeared.”

    “I’m sorry to hear that,” said Blue. “What was his name?”

    “Giovanni.”

    Hearing that this was Giovanni’s son brought back so much guilt that Blue just had to get out of there. “Well, um, I just remembered that I have a challenger waiting for me, so um... Bye.” Blue quickly called out his Pidgeot, jumped onto it’s back, and took off in the direction of Viridian City.

    “Um…” What’s his problem? the boy wondered.

    Meanwhile, en route to Viridian, Blue gave a sigh of relief. Upon hearing this, Pidgeot looked over it’s shoulder at him, a questioning look in it’s eyes. “What? You remember what happened to Giovanni, don’t you? Pidgeot nodded. “Well, That was his son. What was I supposed to do, tell him that I left his father for dead inside an erupting volcano?” Now Pidgeot understood why he'd acted so out of character before, and it attempted to comfort him before looking forward again.

    As soon as they touched down in Viridian City, Blue rushed to heal his team and take his place at the Gym. Within minutes, the boy with the Feraligatr arrived.

    “Yo! Finally got here, huh? I wasn't in the mood at Cinnabar,
    but now I'm ready to battle you.” Blue said.

    “I've been looking forward to this,” the boy said excitedly, “this’ll be my sixteenth badge!”

    “Wait, sixteen?” asked Blue, who was confused by this. Aren't there only eight Gyms?

    “Yeah, I’m from Johto.” he explained.

    “Wait, you're telling me you conquered all the Gyms in Johto?”

    “Yup.”

    “Heh! Johto's Gyms must be pretty pathetic, then. Hey, don't worry about it! I'll know if you’re good or not by battling you right now. You ready, Johto boy?”

    *End of part one*

    Blue’s Team: Pidgeot, Machamp, Arcanine, Exxegutor, Gyrados, and Rhydon

    A/N: How fitting, Machop's pokedex number is 66.
    Last edited by Mr. Popo; 21st January 2013 at 10:57 AM.
    Pecking order

  3. #3
    Me am stalking bug Instrutilus's Avatar
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    Default Re: Rival's Story: Epilogue

    ...Y'can post the story and an Author Note in the same post, y'know, no one's going to bite your head off for it. Heck, it's generally permitted.

    Now then, let's have a look at this "Epilogue". And forgive my words, for though they may come across as that of a git, it's simply brutal honest over maliciousness.

    This is poorly written. The structure is non-existent, events keep bleeding into each other. Take, for example, this paragraph:

    "While on this journey, Blue’s Alakazam began to get tired very easily, so he decided to give it a break. Instead of sending it to the PC, however, he sent it to his grandfather. Surely, a Pokemon with an IQ of 6,000 would be a big help in the lab! Shortly after that, he saw it."
    Where did he spot the Machop? In a Pokémon Center? In the middle of a street? A route? There's no descriptive going, so I'm not drawn into the plot. I literally had to force my eyes onto this, and I only did it because of the Rival's Story tag. Describe the area where the events are transpiring, paint a world for the reader to wander or they'll wander away from the story.

    As for the events themselves, they lack any character. I get a general idea of what's going on, but otherwise they're just there. There's also events that should be described but aren't, such as the Machop taking down two of the experienced Gym Leader's Pokémon. I would've loved to have read that, but all I got was "They were taken out, shoo". Expand on the events, don't just give a brief or it renders the story an uninteresting summary. The Narrative also keeps switching between characters whenever multiple interact: choose a point of view and stick with it. Don't have Blue speak, then suddenly switch to Pidgeot's thoughts on the matter, have Blue speak and Pidgeot "appear to understand".

    Fortunately, you appear to have a decent grasp of punctuation, though you could work on it a bit. For example, "It's" is not a contraction of "It has", but of "It is". Unfortunately that doesn't expand to spelling, which is horrendous in some areas. It confuses me as to how you can misspell "Viridian City" in the same sentence. For reference:

    It’s been two and a half years since that fateful day, Blue took his place as the Veridian Gym Leader, and even planted a tree in front of the gym, with a plaque that read: In honor of the first Viridian Gym leader.
    Look up words if their correct spelling eludes your grasp, and be sure to reread the story before putting it up so you can catch any misspellings. Dictionaries exist to be used.

    And finally, the chapter is too short. Expanding on the events will bulk it up, but otherwise aim for a minimum of 5 pages to a chapter, otherwise the size will disinterest readers. I'm aware of what people say about huge updates intimidating casual readers from the story, but there is a middle-ground available.

    Please work on these points. I shall await the next portion of this epilogue and I sincerely hope the points brought forth have been addressed.

  4. #4
    Let's get funky! Gama's Avatar Former Head Administrator
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    Default Re: Rival's Story: Epilogue

    Just wanted to drop by to confirm that I gave permission for the characters from Rival's Story to be used to form this epilogue.

    As I said when I betaread it, I think this is pretty good. A couple of spelling errors here and there (which I did point out!), though not as numerous as Insy makes out, I don't think.

    I think this has a good grasp of the events going on, and I look forward to reading more.

  5. #5
    Reader and Writer Legacy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Rival's Story: Epilogue

    Nice work, overall. As I read I do notice the different writing styles between you and GaMa, which is sort of distracting, but it doesn't have anything to do with your abilities. Just different.

  6. #6
    The Dimension Wizard Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: Rival's Story: Epilogue

    Well it was, interesting that much is true. While I do agree that you need to describe things a little more, you managed to grasp a lot of the style from Rival's Story and at the end of the day that's what matters now isn't it. I do recommend to try to slow down in the chapters a bit more from now on so that it doesn't seem too rushed. Also I forgive you regarding the match up thing because I know that you were merely summarizing what was going on, something that happened a long time before the chapter began so it's okay.

    Other than that I'll keep reading and I wish you good luck.

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