MATURE: The Rebellion----Chapter 1---- What Happened?

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Thread: The Rebellion----Chapter 1---- What Happened?

  1. #1
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    Default The Rebellion----Chapter 1---- What Happened?

    This story follows the adventure of a boy named jack who is 13 and has just beaten Chuck of Cianwood. He walks out of the gym.

    Jack: Well done guys!

    (He throws five pokeballs into the air. Red beams of light materialize into pokemon; Meganium, Magneton, Pidgeotto, Pikachu & an Umbreon)

    (A loud bang is heard from behind Jack)

    Jack: Huh?! Everyone, return! Shadow, stay there, I may need you.

    (The four other pokemon return to their pokeballs, Shadow, the Umbreon stays put.)

    ???: (From inside the gym, shouting) Why! Why would you do this?!

    Jack: That's Chuck! Come on Shadow!

    (Jack runs into the gym to see Chuck kneeled on the floor wheezing)

    Jack: Chuck! What happened here?! I was gone five minutes and I heard a ban---

    Chuck: Stay back Jack! These are strong trainers!

    (Jack looks around and notices a person dressed in a uniform with a Golem in front of him, the Golem was stopping Jack from any sight of the mystery trainer's face.)

    Jack: (To himself) I thought he said trainers?

    ???: Hmph. Who is this? Probably just another ickle weakling. Golem! Rock Tomb, Now!

    (Huge rocks fly towards Jack and Shadow, Shadow stands in front of Jack and takes full contact of the sharp rocks, knocking him out. Jack then returns Shadow)

    Jack: Grr! Who are you?!

    ???: Who am i? Hmph. One word. Silver. Proton, knock him out.

    Proton: (From behind Jack) My pleasure.

    (Jack has no time to turn and is hit by something metal, he hits the floor with a thud, knocked out with blood trickling down the back of his neck)

    Chuck: Jack!!! No!

    Proton: Come on Silver! Ive got this guy's pokemon. Surely that is enough?!

    Silver: Hmph. His pokemon are probably all weak. Especially if they are like that Umbreon.

    Chuck: You're vile!

    Silver: Golem, silence him!

    (Golem nods and staying silent he uses Stealth Rock and fires rocks as hard as needles into Chuck's stomach)


    What will happen to Jack and Chuck?
    Who is Silver & Proton?
    Is Sulver by any chance the same Silver who fell defeated by Gold many times?
    What are your answers?


    So yeah prettty short. But only as its the first chapter. Anyhow next chapters will be bigger. Oh and BTW this is my very first FanFic so there maybe quite a few mistakes.
    Last edited by HexoMancer; 10th January 2013 at 01:22 PM.

  2. #2
    Ms. Canadian Destroyer Caite-chan's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Rebellion----Chapter 1---- What Happened?

    Well I hope this review helps you out as I'm not one to write very many reviews.

    I'm not sure if you have this story planned out or not. I know some people will have a notebook to write ideas down and some will have them typed up in a Word document. For me it always helps me to have ideas planned out maybe a few chapters in advance. But you shouldn't worry just because you have them written down doesn't mean you can't change your mind later on if you think of something better or it may have sounded good when you first thought of it but once you did a chapter or two it doesn't seem to fit now.

    Your description of what the story is going to be doesn't really tell us much of anything. Except that it's Jack, a 13 year old who's going on a journey. And not that I'm trying to be mean but meh it's nothing new.

    You might want to give a bit of a back story of where he came from and who he is and where he came from. Because as of now...we know nothing about Jack, who he is or what he even looks like. For all we know he could be some really tall kid with red hair and blue eyes. You should think about describing Jack and letting us readers know who he is...IE:

    • Height
    • Hair Colour
    • Eye Colour
    • Clothes
    • Does he have any scars or marks


    Another thing is adding a bit more description to things and give us the readers a bit more of an idea of what's going on. What you got is like a bare minimum which doesn't give us much to think about when we're reading.

    Now I'm not one for grammar and spelling but these are a few things I did find while reading.

    ( ) Using parentheses is something people will use in role plays for actions to separate from the talking. It just makes it look messy and hard to read.

    You could put a name before the person speaks like you have now or you could remove them and just add " " around your speaking. Though for now it seems a bit easier for you to use names which I see nothing wrong with that.

    Pokemon needs to be capitalized as it is a Noun.

    (He throws five pokeballs into the air. Red beams of light materialize into pokemon; Meganium, Magneton, Pidgeotto, Pikachu & an Umbreon)
    Using & is really only used in business names for example: Desmond & Sons Printing Company. It's better to type out the word and.

    (The four other pokemon return to their pokeballs, Shadow, the Umbreon stays put.)
    (The four other Pokemon returned to their pokeballs, Shadow, the Umbreon stayed put.)

    (Jack looks around and notices a person dressed in a uniform with a Golem in front of him, the Golem was stopping Jack from any sight of the mystery trainer's face.)
    (Jack looked around and noticed a person dressed in a uniform with a Golem standing in front of him. The Golem stopped Jack from any sight of the mystery trainer's face.)

    (Huge rocks fly towards Jack and Shadow, Shadow stands in front of Jack and takes full contact of the sharp rocks, knocking him out. Jack then returns Shadow)
    (Huge rocks flew towards Jack and Shadow. Shadow stood in front of Jack and took the full contact of the sharp rocks, knocking him out. Jack then returned Shadow)

    ???: Who am i? Hmph. One word. Silver. Proton, knock him out.
    ???: Who am I? Hmph. One word. Silver. Proton, knock him out.

    (Jack has no time to turn and is hit by something metal, he hits the floor with a thud, knocked out with blood trickling down the back of his neck)
    (Jack had no time to turn and is hit by something metal. He hits the floor with a thud and gets knocked out with blood trickling down the back of his neck)

    Proton: Come on Silver! Ive got this guy's pokemon. Surely that is enough?!
    Proton: Come on Silver! I've got this guy's Pokemon. Surely that's enough!

    (Golem nods and staying silent he uses Stealth Rock and fires rocks as hard as needles into Chuck's stomach)
    (Golem nods and staying silent he used Stealth Rock to fire rocks as hard as needles into Chuck's stomach)

    These are just a few things I spotted as I was reading. You'll want to watch for run on sentences as you'll notice with a few of the changes I showed you. No need to put commas every where. Imagine reading this out loud to yourself. You'll want to take a break somewhere in the sentence and then continue on. In which case you'd use a period and not a comma. Also in some sentences you'll use a past tense and a present tense all in the same sentence.

    I hope this helped you out and don't think I'm just trying to pick on you to be mean as that wasn't the case. Just remember though it's the little things here and there that help make a great story.
    Last edited by Caite-chan; 10th January 2013 at 05:08 PM.

  3. #3
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    Default Re: The Rebellion----Chapter 1---- What Happened?

    Wow thanks for the review. I know you werent being mean so dont worry also another question is it better past tense or present?

  4. #4
    Ms. Canadian Destroyer Caite-chan's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Rebellion----Chapter 1---- What Happened?

    Quote Originally Posted by HexoMancer View Post
    Wow thanks for the review. I know you werent being mean so dont worry also another question is it better past tense or present?
    It all depends on how you want it to go. When I was fixing a few of the sentences depending on which word I changed determined how the rest of the sentence would go.

    (Huge rocks fly towards Jack and Shadow, Shadow stands in front of Jack and takes full contact of the sharp rocks, knocking him out. Jack then returns Shadow)
    (Huge rocks flew towards Jack and Shadow. Shadow stood in front of Jack and took the full contact of the sharp rocks, knocking him out. Jack then returned Shadow)

    With this one changing fly to flew just makes it sound better when reading it. So now that you flew Shadow stood and took...instead of stands and takes. Jack then returned Shadow. So then instead of returns he returned.

    You can't have flew and then stands, takes and returns. Flew is past tense while the others are present tense.

    If that makes more sense.

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    Default Re: The Rebellion----Chapter 1---- What Happened?

    Yeah it does. Thanks for taking your time to write a review. It means a lot

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    Default Re: The Rebellion----Chapter 1---- What Happened?

    Scrapping this storyt got a "better" idea (i think) it will be about title: Death is Inevetible.

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