Razor's Edge

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  1. #1
    THE ULTIMATE PSYCHO pokechamp116's Avatar
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    Default Razor's Edge

    My first ever fanfic! please tell me how I did! your thoughts,views,and opinions are very important to me. there will be some stupid, crazy, or just plain weird fact before each chapter. I will update daily for the first few chapters, but it may get slower as the story progresses. You may recognize me from Fanfiction.net. Anyway, enough talk! Here's your Feature Presentation!

    If the pen is mightier than the sword, then my fingernail must be a god!

    Prologue

    Little Jimmy Jackson was playing in the back yard. The harmless little fellow was bouncing his favorite rubber ball very high. In fact, he was so proud of himself that he didn’t even notice the glaring red eyes in the underbrush. Jimmy’s back yard was the nicest garden in the world. Many different types of flowering bushes lined the brown fence bordering the garden. It had many berry trees that attracted all kinds of pokemon, each of which were his playmates. Except for one.

    KA-CHOW!!! suddenly a large, black scaled, snake like figure whipped across the garden with extreme speed. Seviper was the only pokemon that actually didn’t like Jimmy in any way. In fact, this one particular pokemon was not allowed in the garden at all. Not allowed to even be near the sweet smelling Mago Berries. As Jimmy turned to see Seviper lash at him, he was truly terrified. So terrified, as a matter of fact, that poor Jimmy would be scarred for life. As the snake lashed at Jimmy, everything seemed to slow. The long body of Seviper was fully stretched out, not two feet away from Jimmy’s face. He stood there, his playful smile quickly disappeared into a heart wrenching scream.

    Suddenly, out of nowhere, a white and blue blur bulleted over the fence and past Jimmy, and gave Seviper a super-strong Crush Claw Attack. It wasn’t enough to stop Seviper, though, for he lashed around quicker than a blink. (Yes, quicker than a blink) But, the hero had great fighting experience. Scarlet claws at the ready, the blue Zangoose dodged any attack the Seviper tried to land on him. The poor boy watched in awe as Zangoose dodged every attack and landed twice as many. After one last slash attack, the poison pokemon fled, having a large scar on his face. As Jimmy watched the obvious loser leave, the Zangoose slowly approached him. “Zangoo?” inquired the Zangoose, checking if Jimmy was okay.

    “Tanks you fwend! Wats yor name?” the small child managed to ask, holding a friendly smile on his face.

    “Zango!”

    “Wanna pway bawl, Zango?” managed Jimmy.

    “Zangs!” exclaimed Zango, holding a cute smile on his face.

  2. #2
    THE ULTIMATE PSYCHO pokechamp116's Avatar
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    Default Re: Razor's Edge

    Wow, sad to see I have no reveiws....or hardly any veiws at all. Please, if you like it tell me. Anyway, here's the next chapter!

    1+1=3.... think hard

    Chapter 1: A strange encounter

    It’s been 10 years after I met Zango. He came over to my house to play with me every day after that. We had a small, shiny ball that we used to play catch with, but Zango really wanted to keep it for himself. So, I let him, though I never saw it again. Thanks to Seviper, I was now extremely shy to everyone except Zango. Now, to today, when I just bought some bread and was returning home....with the bread.

    Though I was a dollar short, the nice man at the counter let me off. I just looked at the ground, thinking of his kindness, when I noticed a shadow on the ground and a chest in front of my face. The strangers voice was deep, meaning he was possibly a thug of sorts.

    “Hey! Kid! Gimmee your money!” How did I know?

    “Yo! Kid! Ya’ listenin’?” the thug said, “ You deaf or somethin?!” I shook my head.

    “Fine, then, if you aint deaf, an I said it twice, I gotta use force!” The man then proceeded to back up some, then throw a pokeball at my feet. A small, bundled up, purple and gold figure was realeased dangerously close to me.

    “Ekaannsssssssss!” The small snake said. Just the shilouette of this pokemon brang back those horrible memories. Similar to the first time, Zango leaped over anything- or anyone- between him and I. Having cleared all targets in one go with air to spare, he slashed wildly at the Ekans. The week pokemon quickly fainted from the Fury Swipes attack. I wasn’t surprised, seeing how strong Zango was.

    “Zang? Zang-ooh-oh?!” Zango inquired, making sure I was okay.

    “I’m alright Zango. Thanks for the save.”

    “Oose!” Our small conversation was interrupted, though, as the bully withdrew his fainted pokemon.

    “You brat! Take this!” He threw another pokeball, and out of it came a dark figure.

    “Sneasle!” the pokemon said. Quickly, he and Zango went to battle. Both were pretty fast, they collided with each other several times, claws against claws. But I knew that sneasle was no match. Zango quickly back flipped and shot almost through his opponent, leaving him still and motionless. Seconds later, though, he fell flat on his face. Zango had won another battle.

    “You aint seen the last of me!” he yelped as he scurried off with his injured pokemon. As he was running, I noticed a bandanna that was purple with a few Fang-like patterns on it. I also noticed that it looked similar to a building near town. I thanked Zango, and we both started off towards my home.
    Last edited by pokechamp116; 25th May 2009 at 02:40 PM.

  3. #3
    Registered User Drew_A_Blank's Avatar
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    Default Re: Razor's Edge

    A lot of people like stories like this: short chapters that you don't really have to get "into" to like it. It's nice for a first story, buddy.

    Hmm... I think you should avoid prologues for this kind of story. Since you named the second part "Chapter 2," why not name the prologue Chapter 1? Though, I guess it would be a little confusing since it was in third-person and the second chapter was in first-person... Up to you!

    I think you could drop a few of those exclamation points-- although the first one in Chapter 2 can stay ("Deal with it!").

    "He and I knew almost everything about each other."
    ^ That didn't feel like it was on topic with the rest of the paragraph. Remember to keep all the sentences in the paragraph related to each other.

    Totally up to you. As I said, it sounds nice and laid-back-- yet not boring. (By the way, your nuggets of wisdom before each chapter are hilarious. )

  4. #4
    Registered User King Koop's Avatar
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    Default Re: Razor's Edge

    did you name your story after the classic book?

  5. #5
    THE ULTIMATE PSYCHO pokechamp116's Avatar
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    Default Re: Razor's Edge

    there's a book? and there's a little mixup. I accidently posted 2 before 1.My bad! fixing it now! and,i'm glad you like it. But, the sentance that says "We knew almost everything about each other" is stressing their friendship.So, it's kind of in place. If you think about it. But, whatever floats your boat!

    And while I'm here, here's chapter 2. sorry for the mixup!


    If you put peanut butter anywhere on your body, you’d better lick it off! Cuz I aint!

    Sorry this chapter’s so short!

    Chapter 2 What a sleep-over!

    After we got home and I reported what happened to my mother ( yes, I say mother, not mom. Deal with it!), she completely blew her top! She went checking me from head to toe, searching for bite marks, scratches, etc. I wasn’t the tallest 15 year old in the world, but I didn’t mind. I also had pale skin, light brown hair, and eyes as blue as.....well, bright blue things. Zango and I played for most of the day, before it got dark. He was sucking up to my mom to stay so hard, it was way too funny. Well, it worked! Zango slept at the foot of my bed.

    My room was white, nothing too special about it. I didn’t give decoration too much thought. There was a TV and a night stand, that was it. We watched TV until mother made us turn it off. Afterwards, I fell asleep almost as soon as I hit the pillow.

    It was the nicest dream, Zango and I were playing outside, all alone. No one bothered us, until I heard something that sounded like a window being opened. Wait, I had a window? Oh yeah! I remember watching Zango fight off a gang of Raticate. But, why did it open? I decided to forget about it, though. I went back to playing with Zango. He and I knew almost everything about each other. Then, Zango started to growl at something.

    “What’s wrong boy?” I asked. I awoke to find that I really had said that, and Zango really was growling. I looked around the dark room and saw a pair of Blood-Red eyes locked with Zango’s. I also saw a silhouette by the window. I think whoever it was noticed that we were awake.

    “Team Snake Fang will have revenge! Sevii! Retreat!” Exclaimed a voice from the window. At his masters command, the assumed seviper slithered out my window lightning quick. What was that about? I wondered for what seemed like hours. Then, I realized I was asleep!

    “Good Night Buddy!” I said aloud.
    Last edited by pokechamp116; 25th May 2009 at 02:53 PM.

  6. #6
    THE ULTIMATE PSYCHO pokechamp116's Avatar
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    Default Re: Razor's Edge

    welp, its about time for another chapter. so, here you go!

    Happy happy, joy joy.

    Note: I change views in this chapter

    Chapter 3: The escape

    Run. Escape. That’s all that went through my mind. I must’ve bumped past 50 people with lab coats. This might’ve been a laboratory, but it felt like a prison. Looked more like a prison too. There were pokemon doing tests, hooked up to many wires, and some doing...... breeding tests. I hardly cared to look at any of them, because I had to escape this lab and my pursuers. I was faster than most pokemon, since I trained most every day when I had a trainer. We were more like, partners back then. But now.... I don’t want to talk about him. Especially since I was running faster than ever before. Who knew genetically engineered Drapion could be so agile? I wasn’t sure which company this was, nor did I care. It was one of fifty-million that turned pokemon to humans, and vice-versa. I turned in mid run.

    “Force Palm!” I yelled as a huge amount of my aura poured out of my hand in a brutal attack force. The Drapion were held back at the attack, but they weren’t hurt in any significant way. I was pretty much jumping off the walls, trying to get away. I just barley escaped two powerful shadow balls. Then, the door. The light. The freedom! The trap. A Weavile was waiting for me.

    “Ice Shard!” A voice said. It was a man in a lab coat, wearing large blue glasses. But, it wasn’t any lab coat. It was my bastard of a trainer. He was the one who put me in this situation. I had trusted him. He even helped me evolve. Then he said” I have some friends who want to know about aura too.” Little did I know they were going to sap me of all my knowledge and use it against me. I sidestepped and dodged Weavile’s attack with ease. I had forgotten all about the Drapion. They both hit me hard with an extremely powerful take down attacks. I was done. I knew it. I couldn’t take down all three genetically engendered pokemon. Especially with my trainer coaching them.

    “Give up Lucario! Your Aura is weak, and dying. Let us finish our tests and you may die in peace.” After he said that, the altered pokemon started to glow black. It was a bright black, though. Almost like.... Reverse Evolution. “Looks like your data was incorrect” I said using telepathy.

    “Then let us correct it. We could make pokemon more powerful. And with your help, this side effect wouldn’t occur.”

    “Damn you and your research!” I yelled at his mind.

    “Fine, if you don’t want to come, we’ll force you! Sneasle! Skorupi! Attack!” I was then ganged upon by the small pokemon. They were still genetically engineered, though, and were surprisingly strong for their size. I looked deep within myself, and found the Red Flame within me. It was my aura, a burning flame, getting slightly smaller by the day. He was right, I was dying. It didn’t matter! I released my aura all around me, forcing them backwards. It used a lot of my aura, though, and knocked me square out. The last thing I saw was that bastards shoes next to my face. I heard him say two words. “I win.”

  7. #7
    THE ULTIMATE PSYCHO pokechamp116's Avatar
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    Default Re: Razor's Edge

    Still no reviews? oh well! todays the last day I update frequently. Schools finishing up, so I got less writing time. Actually, I finish the tests early, and I've already got 4 more chapters written out on paper. BUt, transition to the internet takes a while. When I transfer my chapters, I'll be sure to post them! but, for now, here's chapter 4!


    Oh! I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Weiner! Then everyone would be in love with me!

    Chapter 4-Team who Fang?

    I woke up to find that Zango wasn’t anywhere in my room. There wasn’t anywhere in my room to hide, so I figured he had gone home. I went into the living room and saw my mother eating pancakes and watching TV.

    “Good morning, dear. Want some pancakes? There’s plenty more on the table.” She said with a grin. My mother had never talked with her mouth full, she was a manner freak. I said nothing, but continued to grab a plate and sit next to my mom. She let me change the TV to cartoons since it was a Saturday. All of a sudden, though, the cartoons went away and a man in a desk in front of a blue wall came on.

    “We interrupt this program to bring a special report. The International Police’s Team Dragon Fang branch has discovered that the Renowned criminals called ‘Team Snake Fang’ has struck again. Several stores were completely robbed, with a large Purple Painting of a fang as their calling card.” That reminded me of the guy who tried to mug me yesterday, and the guy last night.

    I was really getting confused. Who was this Team Snake Fang? And for that matter, who was this Team Dragon Fang? Why were all these people named after teeth? The announcer guy said they were a national police branch, so I guessed they were okay. I decided I would investigate. After I thought of this, I realized I was finished with my breakfast. So, I put my dish away and went outside. I was shy even to my mother.

    I went to the garden and called for Zango. He always came when I called, but he didn’t respond. I turned around to find that he was right beside me the whole time! We both had a laugh. I told him about the news and how it reminded me of yesterday. We nodded in agreement and proceeded to walk towards town. I remembered where that strange building was.

    After a while of walking, we eventually found it. It was 13 stories high. The doors looked automatic, like those of a pokemon center or something. I think I heard a siren or something coming from one of the above floors. All of a sudden, the doors opened and a small white figure shot out. It bumped right into Zango, and he started to get a little mad. But, the small pokemon started begging Zango something. I think it was a Linoone, a small ferret-like pokemon. It looked like whatever it wanted, it really wanted it.

    I heard footsteps and saw a crowd of people running toward the door. They were all wearing white lab coats. I decided that what they wanted was linoone. If that many people were after it, it must’ve done something bad. If it was that bad, they would probably punish it. I looked back towards the small pokemon. I thought about what I learned in school. Zangoose was the cat ferret pokemon, and since Linoone was a ferret-like pokemon, I decided that they were related. I wasn’t about to let someone related to Zango get punished! I picked up the pokemon and ran, leaving Zango puzzled. He saw the crowd and ran to us, startled.

    We ran right into the nearest pokemon center. I looked through the glass door, and saw that we lost them. I looked at Linoone, it was hiding its face between its paws. It looked up at me and smiled.

    “Linoone!”It said with a cheery expression. There was a strange grumbling sound. I guess he was hungry. He must’ve noticed it too, because he looked embarrassed.

  8. #8
    The Woman of Your Dreams ArceusAngel's Avatar
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    Default Re: Razor's Edge

    haha I love your little quotes at the start of each chapter. the story is good, short, but still good. I'm more into the longer stories with more action and stuff going on, but that doesn't mean this is bad...just not my preference. still, i'll keep reading! keep it up!

  9. #9
    THE ULTIMATE PSYCHO pokechamp116's Avatar
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    Default Re: Razor's Edge

    lol, so you're into action, eh? don't worry! action's coming your way! Remember, we're still just meeting the enemies! just wait until I finish typing these chapters up! then I can get even more chapters in! yay, end of school! in Alabama at least! yay!

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