More oneshot goodness from my 'break'.
Prufessa Mothafucka Oek meets Professor Oak and buys some Milk
Note: Shawty is pronounced SHARH-TEAH
Janurary 11, 2011. Pallet Town.
Professor Oak sat down to drink some coffee as he watched television.
“Hmm…” He queried as he stared at the screen, “They haven’t been making many good shows lately, eh?” The old man was watching Sazanami Shore, a terrible show on MTV about idiotic teenagers and their equally unintelligent and destructive Pokemon; who were terrorizing Sazanami Town. On today’s episode they were in the Giant Hole.
Inside the screen, the idiotic fellows were having some strange conversation as they stood before a strange looking creature that they had found within the cave:
“Hey Snooki!” Pauly-J warned his friend, “Don’t be touching that big grey thing -”
Suddenly, out of nowhere, an odd man broke through the window of Oak’s lab and destroyed the television the old man was looking at.
“WHAT THE?!” The startled professor screamed, in a mixture of terror and extreme pain (he had spilled coffee all over his face). The odd man who had broken in looked almost exactly like Professor Oak, of course, he had some differences in his wardrobe. Instead of a lab coat, the weird intruder wore a tight-fitting black-and-yellow striped spandex suit, with a red codpiece, large, star-shaped spectacles, and a couple dozen expensive-looking rings on his fingers, which held a microphone that he had put up near his mouth.
The old man got up and looked at this strange person and gasped in shock. ‘I’m going insane.’ He thought, looking at his awkwardly-dressed carbon copy, who had now assumed a campy pose (and was making his codpiece’d crotch vibrate, much to the Professor’s terror). ‘This isn’t real. This isn’t real.’
An unforeseen event then happened. The lookalike intruder opened his mouth. “YOU AIN’T DREAMIN’, FOO’!!!!! SHAWTY!!!” The voice of the intruder was wretched, making the sound of metal scraping together seem pleasant; for it was autotuned. One could literally hear a computerized beat whenever he talked. “DIDN’T THINK I COULD READ MINDS *pelvic thrust, crotch jiggle*, DID YA NOW?!!!!?!?!?!? SHAWTY!!!!”
“Ack!” Professor Oak replied, “Why does your voice sound like that horrid music I hear on the radio all the time? And, where the hell are you from?!”
The strange man put his finger up and wagged it slightly as he did what seemed to be giving him an angrily disappointed look. “I AM FROM THE FUTURE!! *crotch jiggle, switch to new campy pose, pelvic thrust* SHAWTY!!!! THAT’S WHY!!! SHAWTY!!! AND I’M YOU!!! SHAWTY!!!! FROM THE FUTURE!!!! SHAWTY!!!!”
“You’re me, from the future?” Oak said, looking quite terrified, as he started fretting, and began talking to himself, “Well, uh *thoughts of suicide began blazing through his mind as a means to put an end to this creature’s (aka his) misery*, what’s your name?”
“I’M PRUFESSA MOTHAFUCKA OEK, BEEYOTCH!!! SHAWTY!!!!!!!!!!” The intruder said, almost a little tormented in its tone of voice, “AND I HAVE COME FROM THE FUTURE!!!! SHAWTY!!!! *pelvic thrust, change pose, crotch jiggle, rinse, lather, repeat* TO GET SOME MIELK!!!!! SHAWTY!!!!!!”
The Professor raised an eye at the Prufessa, and decided to actually try and converse with the strange being, instead of interrogate it, “So, you want to get some milk? I’ll get the money… *walks off*”
“THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME!!! SHAWTY!!! IT WAS MY MISSION FROM THE FUTURE!!! SHAWTY *starts violently convulsing*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Prufessa wretched as Gary walked in the lab.
Now, you see, Professor Oak was upstairs, grabbing some money so he could buy some milk and make sure Prufessa Mothafucka Oek was out of his life forever. Gary ‘Motherfucker’ Oak (his grandfather did not like the middle name he had given himself, especially considering that Gary‘s mother was dead), however, was seeing the strange time-traveler having a seizure. As such, Oak quickly heard ambulance sirens outside.
“What happened?!” He said as he rushed downstairs to find the room empty. “Oh boy,” The old man said to himself, “What do I do now?”
Later that night. Viridian Memorial Hospital.
“ I have Alzheimer’s. Yes, very severe Alzheimer’s.” Professor Oak mumbled to a nurse at the reception counter, faking the sound of a frail old man.
“Right this way sir. We wouldn’t want you getting hurt!” The pink-haired woman said, grabbing Oak’s hand and leading through the hospital to a sterile room. She guided him to the bed, and announced to someone waiting outside:
“DR.MEDIC! DR.MEDIC!” She yelled, getting the attention of a muscular, middle-aged German man, who spoke with a profound German accent, and wore a red surgeon‘s uniform.
“Ah, yes? Is ze patient in here?!” He said calmly, as if calling to someone, with a pinch of murderous schizophrenia in his voice. “Strap him down, and get out the…. Tools…..” Medic began to laugh as he pulled out a large chainsaw and revved it. “Don’t fret, eldenheimschen! We will be doing a very basic procedure today for you! CHAINSAW-ASSISTED LOBOTOMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Of course, Oak had not been strapped to the bed where the Medic would chop him apart; so he instead pulled a small ball from his lab coat, which contained a Dragonite. The beast looked around, and instinctively decided to attack with Outrage, destroying the room, and sending Oak flying into another one.
Much to the old man’s luck, he had tackled the operating table that had Oek strapped to it, and flew out of the hospital window with his strange friend in his arms, and into a Pokemart’s window, which he smashed upon impact. Oek hit a carton of milk with his head, and his fell into his mouth.
Upon ingestion, Oek started glowing, as if a Pokemon was evolving. Professor Oak, who was fatally injured, looked up weakly to see the glorious sight of Mr. T appearing before his eyes. It would be the last thing he saw, though, for creating Mr. T meant that a shitstorm of pity was coming your way, with enough energy to destroy the world, and with a powerful blast of energy, the world was destroyed.
Today’s Moral is: Always drink milk, foo’!