TEEN: The Power Of Origin

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Thread: The Power Of Origin

  1. #1
    The Curious Lord of Time Thanatos's Avatar
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    Default The Power Of Origin

    yay my first story:) im not aiming this to be a looooong story just something to read quikly if your board. its bases on one of Lightning Topaz's weekly promts. Marcus is based of the D/P/P guy. the name of the story does NOT fit the story well.......


    chapter 1:

    “This is our last chance Feraligatr” said Marcus as he pulled his last pokéball, a Master Ball given to him by his parents at the start of his pokémon journey, out of his backpack. He turned to Giratina and threw the mighty ball. Just as he had done this Giratina’s jaws started glowing. Giratina rose and flew towards the master ball. Just when it seemed the master ball would make contact with the legendary beast, Giratina closed its jaws. With an almighty crack the master ball shattered and its remains clattered onto the floor.


    “NO!” cried Marcus as he fell to his knees. Giratina slowly flew forward. How dare a pathetic human try to capture it? As it approached it eyes glowed blood red. A shadowy ball formed in front of it. “Giiraatiiinaa” it screeched as it let loose the ghostly ball. Marcus stumbled back as ghostly ball approached. Feraligatr ran to protect its trainer. He got in the way just in time and the dark ball hit him right in the chest. “Feraligatr!” cried Marcus as he ran over to his injured pokémon. “What have you done you monster!” screamed Marcus as he turned to Giratina. “You killed him!” Monster? Thought Giratina if there is one thing this human has it is courage. “ferrr…” Whispered Feraligatr “You’re alive!” Rejoiced Marcus. “Here have a rest” said as he lifted Feraligatr’s pokéball. Feraligatr glowed white for a second and then disappeared into the pokeball. All of a sudden two jaws appeared around Marcus’s waist and pulled him back.

    “Help” cried Marcus still in the grip of Giratina. Slowly Giratina turned around. Gradually a portal tore through the air in front of them. The view in front of them was divine. Marcus could see a heavily populated city. It was a beautiful sunny day and there were few clouds in the sky. Giratina flew through the portal and ascended into the clouds. Once they were so high that they could not see the ground Giratina stopped. “No! Please don’t!” shouted Marcus once it became clear what Giratina was about to do.


    Giratina tilted its head back stared into space and released his grip on Marcus. “HEEELP!” yelled Marcus as he began descending. As he fell he pulled out Alakazam’s Pokéball and summoned his loyal pokemon. “Go Alakazam!” shouted Marcus “Teleport!” His body started glowing and the last thing he saw was the laughing face of Giratina.

    Marcus’s eyes fluttered open. He looked around. He was surrounded by colossal buildings. To his left lay Alakazam. “Alakazam?” whispered Marcus. Slowly Alakazam’s eyes opened. Marcus sighed. They were alive. He looked up to the clouds he had just fallen through. Gradually they took the form of the laughing Giratina. But Marcus knew that there was no way to capture that beast, because no trainer could bond with it. His only option was to destroy it
    Last edited by Thanatos; 12th July 2011 at 04:55 AM.

  2. #2
    Registered User brickwork's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Power Of Origin

    This was a very short, and honestly a bit of a drag to read. For a first fic it is quite good, and I've seen experienced writers write things worse than this. However, the grammar, capitalisation, tense, and spelling were awkward and inconsistent, and the headings annoyed and confused me. I'd love to see where you're going with this, but I suggest you read a few popular fics, like Pocket Monster's by Legacy or SKYRIDGE: Ted's Story - Liberation by BlueNostalgia to see how they write battles and how they describe Pokemon, and it could help you with a few of the issues I highlighted above. And, get rid of all those headings. They don't serve any purpose, and they got in the way when I was trying to read.

    Good luck with this; I will be reading :)

  3. #3
    The Curious Lord of Time Thanatos's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Power Of Origin

    describe pokemon...... dam...... ive had teachers tell my do discripe for years and i dont do it here..... i guess i made this for an audience that know heaps about pokemon... anyway i turned it into 1 chapter. i think it looks better that way. keep on writing? i made this from 1 of LT's weekly promts..... but ill keep writing. i need to do alot of planning then. anyway thanks for the advice!

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