Thread: Pokemon Trainer Battle! Red, Blue, and Yellow

Note: Please tell me if anything is wrong. Only if you didn't tell me before (not on this list) I know:
-To have varity from the games
-To ENTER for each character speaking like:
"Blee" said Dude
"Blah" whispered Toad
-Use colorful words, not 'said' all the time (this just makes it better)

So, with the character in Kanto a boy named Red, a character in Johto named Ethan (nicknamed Gold), and all the rest of the male characters...let's begin!

Chapter 1: Into the world of Kanto...

Two fighters were on the screen. One was Elite 4 leader, Lance. The other, a sap who had luck on his side. With the first 3. Lance was going to be tough. The battle begun (well, this guy used Explosion. So they were you know-ing).
"Garchomp, I choose you!" the boy exclaimed. He tossed out a red and white ball. A cyclone of a bluish-purplish color and brown, like Dragon Pulse mixed with Sandstorm, flew out. Touching the ground, a Dragon-type Pokemon appeared.
"Gaar chomp!" the Pokemon roared.
I groaned. A Dragon-type? No one challenged Lance without one! What I don't get is that Lorlei also is super effective against those beasts. I'd use an Ice-type. Or a Steel-type with an Ice move. Lance, of course, was prepared.
"I choose you, Dragonite!" the fearless ruler-like dude announced. A pure purple-blue cyclone (also like Dragon Pulse) rushed out, soaring into the air. It weakened, revealing a orange dragon Pokemon with a cream belly and antennae. Dragonite, of course.
"Dragoooo!" he bellowed.
"Use Ice Beam!" Lance ordered. I made a mental note to self never to use Garchomp against Lance. A message flashed on the screen of the PokeGear I had, which was observing the battle: "It has near-ultimate effect!" Ultimate was against Pokemon like Parasect who's ablity doubled there weakness against one Pokemon, and otherwise would've been near-ultimate. The screen of the Gear (comparable to a Game Boy) showed Garchomp's HP going down to...0. I thought, duh!. The battle was over! I yelled and cheered, forgetting it was 10 at night. Oops, I thought. I quickly turned on my 64, and inserted a The Legend of Zelda game (not that the game matters). My mom came up. She has a unliking of my watching League battles (espically this late). As I thought, my mother came up.
"Red Daniel Satoshi, what are you doing?!?!?!" she shouted.
"Uh, playing my 64...?" I replied. Hoping she didn't notice, I nudged my thumb over to the A button. However, she knew.
"WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE WATCHING THOSE NOW????" she screeched. I was turning 11, so I could definetly get a Pokemon this year. Last year, for some reason, me and my friends in the other regions (Ethan/Gold from Johto, Brendan from Hoenn, and Lucas from Sinnoh) couldn't get one. This year, the professers promised us Pokemon. Thank goodness. I drifted of to sleep, forgetting to turn the 64 off, and keeping my finger on the Control Stick...

GAME OVER
Those words were on the screen as I lifted up my eyes. I had heard my guy get hit multiple times, which is how I woke up. I checked the time on my PokeGear...
Oh crud!
I quickly put my clothes on. I had a red hat with a white arch and bill, and an open vest jacket. I slept in my other clothes, a black T-shirt and jeans. My spiky brown hair stuck out through sides of the cap. My brown eyes clearly stated a want to battle, and fished out a Poke Ball from my drawer. I let it go...out the window! Oops! I got my Bag and went out (the window). The Poke Ball lay unopened. I noticed it was smaller. I pressed the button, and...FWOOMP! The Poke Ball inflated to about the size of a grapefruit. I threw it. "Go! Pory!" Pixels flew out of the ball. They clustered into shapes and formed into a Porygon! I grinned at the sight of the Pokemon I got from gambling. (I, personally, blame my mom for not keeping an eye on me while we were at Celadon City.
*flashback*
At Exchange Counter:
Me: I wanna Porygon!!!
Guy: You don't want a Dratini?
Me: (nods)
Guy: Fine, here you go.
Me: I got a Porygon!!!
Guy: WHY DON'T YOU WANT A (word I wasn't suppose to hear) DRATINI??
*real world*

I threw the Poke Ball back at Porygon, and in a flash of pixels, my first Pokemon returned. I zoomed to Oak's lab.
One zoom later, I was at the door, frustrated. Then I left for Route 1.
-Route 1ish-
I took a few steps in the tall grass when suddenly...
"Red! Don't go in there!"
Startled to react, I took absolutley no notice of a wild female Pikachu rushing at me. I, therefore, didn't throw out Pory. The voice? Professer Oak.
"Go! Poke Ball!" Oak said. True, he sent flying a spinning Poke Ball that sped towards Pikachu. The button barely touching the tail, a red light emitted from the Poke Ball. For a split second it was red. The red light turned into thunder, and the Poke Ball took in Pikachu. It started shaking. Whom...whom...whom...click! Two stars twirled around the Poke Ball, then going in. Piikachu was caught! Well, it didn't break out.
With Proffeser Oak telling me to go to his lab, I did. "Now, Red, I promised you I'd save a Pokemon, but my grandson, Blue..."
I had to bite my tounge to not violently curse (which would include that one word the guy at the Game Corner said). Oak finished, "took the last Pokemon, which was Eevee. But, you can have this Pikachu."
My brown eyes widened. The Pikachu? Cool! I heard Eevee was somewhat hard to find, but Pikachu was harder! Professer Oak also said he couldn't make anymore Pokedexes (he got back from Cinnabar), plus he had data from the Unova and Sinnoh regions to add more data to the National Dex, so he gave me the finished product! I thought, Cool! So that's the glory of being last. Professer Oak added, "Yes, Red, I know about your Porygon." Drat! Before I left, he gave me a Trade Device (consisting of a screen with an input for the Poke Ball) and a few Poke Balls. With that, I dashed towards Pallet Dock.
Pallet Dock mostly went from here to Cinnabar to Pallet (the boats did), but sometimes boats from other regions coming in, too. That boat had my friends on it.
Gold, my friend from Johto, had a gold hoodie with the area around the pocket white. His hair was styled like a female Pikachu's tail, but the hair was black. He wears jeans. He also has a PokeGear, but it was a newer model. Brendan, from Hoenn, had a green headband with white, spiky stuff sticking out of it. A black shirt with a red circle around the neck and a red stripe running down the middle of it and jeans were his attire. He had a PokeNav. XD, from Orre, wore a yellow vest and goggles. With spiky hair controlled by a blue headband, a black shirt with red stripes down the slevees, and baggy blue jeans, you'd think he was a bit of a hippy. WRONG. He had a big device with a huge ball, a cors, and a pad for his hand on his arm. Later, he told me it was a Snag Machine so if he found a Shadow Pokemon (I'll tell you about that a while later), he could snag it. Lucas, my friend from Sinnoh, had a floppy red had with Poke Ball symbols on either side, and a black vest with a yellow V in the middle of it. He had a red scarf, a white T-shirt, and jeans. He had version 2.0 of the Poketch. After docking, they came towards me with thier Pokemon.
I scanned them with my Dex:
Totodile, the Big Jaws Pokemon
Its well developed jaws are capable of crushing anything. Even its Trainer must be careful.

Treecko, the Wood Gecko Pokemon
It makes its nest in a giant tree in the forest. It is said to be the protector of the forest's trees.

Chimchar, the Chimp Pokemon
It is very agile. Before going to sleep, it extenguishes the fire on its tail to prevent fires.

Eevee, the Evolution Pokemon
It's genetic code is unstable, so it could evolve in a vareity of ways. There are only a few alive.

I went over to greet them.
Comment and stuff!

Short. Short. Short.

When you sit down to write a fic, it's okay if you do not finish in the first sitting. This looked rushed and midway through I had no idea what was going on. Also, do you really think it's a good idea to use EVERY single canon player character? Really now, that many of them may lead to something messy.

The spacing can be annoying. While not required to space out paragraphs and sentences, it attracts more readers if it is formated in a more formidable way.

I'll do it simply, your chapter is short to begin with, it's completely clustered together and as thus you can lose yourself, not just that but there's basically no description about the characters even if it is Lance, and your POV is all over the place at some points it's as if it was in third person but then it switches to first person, not jut that but it also seems like your narrating it, I know that's what comes with first person but you also have to be more descriptive.

Red Daniel Satoshi, too long, too mary suish, granted I can't talk about that since I've done fics with names like those but you gave him two names from main characters of different Pokemon franchises instead of just one. And like Cabaret said, you just put every single game main character in the same story, they're from different regions with their own professors as you wrote there so why would they be going to the same one, besides if you put them all in your story it'll be too hard to keep up with it.

With the risk of sounding rude and coming off as the bad guy... this is just a clusterfuck.

No spacing, way too short, bad grammar and punctuation, total lack of description, complete ignorance of the 'show, don't tell' rule, lazyly written- you describe stuff in brackets, fer Christ sake! And apparently you are trying to rape canon by somehow making all the male chars friends and giving Red a Mary Sue-ish name. I shudder at the thought that your name might be Daniel. And the plot has apaprently packed his bags and left if he has ever been here in the first place.

What I suggest is... just read some more fics, kay? There are plenty of really good fics here and after reading a couple of them you'll just eventually at least know how things should be formatted and stuff and what the main clichés and pitfalls are.

EDIT: Lovely, you apprently update the post itself instead of actually doing a new one. Now I can add to the list bad flashbacks, inserting script-format in a non-script fic et etc. Oh, and your POV switches every few sentences. And gosh n' golly, you think you've actually described something. Good sir, as I said, read some fics and then talk about description. You're just listing clothes and stuff here and there. And that's for the lucky stuff in your... err, fic. What are the Pokémon like? For all we know Chimchar can be a 400 ft tall purple platypus bear, looking vaguely chim-like. And on fire. Can't forget that.


And apparently the plot is still running as fast as it can in the opposite direction...

WRONG!
I did not put the guy from BW in there!
Red Daniel Satoshi...last name=Satoshi Tajiri. Daniel...not really sure. Just the full name. Plus, I added more. Red is his first name. And, I described. One part of critisim I got was not describing. (I didn't describe some, but eh...)
Uh...no spacing? No idea...explain and I will fix.

Oh! My bad! You didn't put the guy from Black and White! That changes EVERYTHING!

Then I call false advertising. As said in the begging by yourself,

So, with the character in Kanto a boy named Red, a character in Johto named Ethan (nicknamed Gold), and all the rest of the male characters...let's begin!

I demand my money back.

You didn't pay anything! Ah, well...
I meant all of the Japan-inspired region guys.

After reading the rest, there's really nothing I would change with my review but:

too many characters.

Ah, well. Just be glad I didn't add the guy frow BW, otherwise...yeah.
Uh...you are talking about just the group...right? I will slim it down a bit in when we get to Unova: my (in)famous RPG group: XD, Gold, and Red! That said, let's get onto the next chapter:
Chapter 2: Vs. Pokemon Rival Blue!
"Hey man," Gold said as they got of the boat.

"Dude, what's you're starter?" XD said excitedly. "Bulbasaur, the Seed Pokemon? The Flame Pokemon, Charmander? Or the.."

I slapped XD to get him to stop babbling. "Okay, here it goes!" I shouted. "I choose you!" The Poke Ball opened up to reveal what might've been a Thunderbolt shooting out of the ball, to reveal a small, mouse-like Pokemon, with a tail simialar to Gold's hairstyle.

"Pika!" the yellow mouse said.

"A Pikachu!" Lucas said. He flipped out his Dex.
Pikachu, the Mouse Pokemon
When angered, it immeditatley discharges the electricity stored in its cheeks.
Gender difference: Female has a dent it the tail.

"Yo, chumps!"

A brown-haired mowhawk-like hairdo guy with an indigo shirt and cream-colored pants was the one who called us chumps. "Bu-LUUUUUUU!!!" I screamed. "You took the Eevee?!?"

Blue shrugged. "You could always get one next year. You'd need it."

I fumed, with a new instinct programmed into my mind. "I challenge you to a Pokemon battle!" I announced.

"You'll get powned," Blue replied, "but eh."

Gold stepped up to act as ref. "This will be a 2-on-uh..."

Blue muttered, "2."

...battle between Red Satoshi and Blue Oak will now begin!"

"Pika, go!" I commanded. Pika jumped into battle.

"Eevee, I choose you!" Blue said, tossing out a Poke Ball. Red, blue, yellow, purple, black, green, and light blue energy ribbons flew out and formed into a fox-like Pokemon, Eevee.

"Vee!" the brown fox proclaimed.

I turned my PokeGear on. Battle scanned, the mettalic voice said. It displayed and Eevee and Pikachu, Pikachu's back towards me. It also displayed two whole heath bars, and two Poke Balls under the health bar for Blue, and over the health bar for me. I told Pika to use a move:

"Pika, use Thundershock!"

Pika charged up lighting in its tail, and released a blast of lighting. It hit Eevee.

That's all for right now. DON'T CHARGE FOR SHORTISM!

Did you actually bother reading any of the reviews? Or did you ignore them when you realised they do not praise your literacy genius?

Originally Posted by Aladar

Did you actually bother reading any of the reviews? Or did you ignore them when you realised they do not praise your literacy genius?

I was going to say, but you nailed it.

Oops...I did not ignore them (intentionally), and I know I do not have any literary genius. Belive me, dude, I think I might have the world record for 'Most Critizisms of Fanfictions' (I swear, dudes, you'll see BulbyRed in the world record books.) Teel me (please in detail) of my problems, and I will fix them. But I will not go below 3 characters in the group (Red, Gold, and XD. I have better stuff with them, seeing as I have them in at least 1 RPG. Remember: Daniel is Red's middle name. Satoshi is his last name. Remember that know!)

By this point it doesn't matter how many characters you have, just listen to everthing else that we've told you.

*unplug*
I am offically giving up on this.
THIS.
But I will still go on...
And I'll still use Gold, Red and XD for RPGs.