Pokemon Ranger 3: The Shadow Casket

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  1. #1
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    Default Pokemon Ranger 3: The Shadow Casket

    Chapter 1 [Lilycove Lessons]

    15 year old Kellyn sat at his desk next to Kate, once again wondering about why they have to graduate again. Kate just played with her pachirischu... however their teacher, named Miss Barlon, didn't think it was fair for her and Kellyn to have partners so early at school. But Munchlax couldn't stop eating everyones packed lucnhes.

    'Munchlax, stop EATING!' kellyn yelled.

    Miss Barlon just stared at Kellyn. 'Umm... kellyn, what part of the bible are we talking about.'

    Kellyn made a guess 'Uh... the garden of eden???'

    'More like the garden of eatin'!' Kate whispered.
    'Kate, shut up!' Kellyn whispered.

    'Okay class. We shall now think about...' Everyone was quiet. 'Your graduation test. The test is to capture the raichu outside this room. But be careful... it's dangerous!'

    next time... Chapter 2 [The Graduation test]

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    Fanfiction Critic Silawen's Avatar
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    Well... I certainly have a lot to comment on. Or, better yet, very little. Because this chapter is way too short, in my opinion. It's not even half a page in Word! You can't really have anything happen in such a short chapter, there's not enough time.

    Added to that, nothing really happened here and what did happen is confusing.

    Kellyn wonders why they - the class? - have to graduate again, while some character named Kate plays with her pokémon, but she's not allowed to have it? Or something? Then there's a random munchlax, eating everything, and there are mentions of the bible.

    It's just confusing and needs a lot of work. Try to get an idea of what you want to tell us, first. Get a storyline in your head, then gradually start writing it. Slow down and first finish a couple of chapters, it'll make it a lot easier on you.

    Some other random comments:

    15 year old Kellyn
    Numbers under a hundred are usually written out. So 'Fifteen year-old Kellyn'.

    Miss Barlon just stared at Kellyn. 'Umm... kellyn, what part of the bible are we talking about.'
    You randomly forget to capitalize names. ^^ Kellyn, not kellyn.

    'More like the garden of eatin'!' Kate whispered.
    If she is whispering, then why is there an exclamation point? That usually implies someone is yelling. How about this:

    "More like the garden of eatin'," Kate whispered.

    Though in this case 'The Garden of Eatin'' would probably be better, since she's using it as a name. (Just like 'Garden of Eden')

    The fact that an entire class has to catch one raichu - leaving 99% to fail - seems like an illogical and unnecessarily tough test. I'm also confused why they even have a test. Kids can buy a pokémon, catch one, or get one from a professor, there's no test required.

    Thank you, Saffire Persian, for the lovely banner.

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    Silawen, could I just reply to your comment? I know my chapter was QUITE SHORT, and I appreciate your comments. I am stopping that story idea anyway, and I promise it will be better. And also, I was focusing on Pokemon Ranger: Shadows of Almia, so that might make people understand.

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    Bloody Melt
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    Hmm, is it my turn to pound this fic into the dust? (Just kidding).

    Well, the problem begins from the moment I read the chapter...
    "Lilycove Lessons".

    Okay, immediately, first impression. "Wow! A Pokémon Ranger in Lilycove City? Awesome!"

    And then I read the story. Guess what? It has nothing to do with Lilycove. So why Lilycove? But wait! Lilycove and lessons both start with the letter "L", which means...

    ...

    ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! I JUST WASTE FIFTY SECONDS OF MY TIME.

    Anyway, secondly, where's the plot in this? Why is a Ranger learning about the freaking Bible? Why are they learning about the Garden of Eden? Shouldn't it be the Adam and Eve story they're learning about?

    *deep sigh* Last thing I want to point out. Why do they have to capture a Raichu to graduate? Why is it dangerous? And if it's so dangerous, why is it OUTSIDE THE CLASSROOM? If it were dangerous, it would destroy EVERYTHING.

    Well, there's one last flaw in your story...

    ...

    I have no idea how often I've said this...

    ...

    ...

    ...

    DESCRIPTION DESCRIPTION DESCRIPTION. What do the characters look like? What exactly is Munchlax eating? How fast is he eating it? Is it important as to what he's eating? Where am I? Is this the past? The present? The future? OH MY GOD I'M ONLY HALF WAY THROUGH THE FIRST PAGE AND ALREADY I'M TOTALLY CONFUSED.

    Anyway, improve on those points. Especially description, which new authors always seem to have a problem with. You're no different. But, of course, new authors climb their way up to success. Most are quite famous now...well, sort of. =P So yeah. All you need to do is IMPROVE.

    And with that...*points at signature*
    If ya need me, I'm probably playing some Mann vs Machine: http://steamcommunity.com/id/optimatum

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    .................................................................................................... ....................................................
    umm....yeh....I suppose....

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    Registered User The Outrage's Avatar
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    We get it, stories need description, but honestly, there is such a thing as over-describing something, and I've seen it a lot on Bulbagarden, yet people think its good because it has description.

    What exactly is Munchlax eating? How fast is he eating it?
    Honestly, does that really matter what he's eating? Does it really matter to the story, or is it some random filler crap that aspiring authors can over-describe in a sad attempt to look like they know what they are doing?

    I doubt a Munchlax eating would really add to its character development, so going into great detail on it is pointless.

    Where am I? Is this the past? The present?
    Ranger School, judging by the narration, it takes place sometime in the future past Ranger 2's plot. Yes this does lack description, but we know where and when. What we don't know is how or why Top rangers such as Kellyn and Kate are back in Ranger School, but I'll give that the benefit of the doubt that it will be explained later.

    Not that I think its good, but some of the criticism is just ridiculous. There are stories that purposely lack description aswell to try and set a mood.

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    Bloody Melt
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sven View Post
    We get it, stories need description, but honestly, there is such a thing as over-describing something, and I've seen it a lot on Bulbagarden, yet people think its good because it has description.
    Of course I know there's such a thing. But even so, a little description might have been useful, especially to those who live under a rock and have never heard of Batonnage...it is still called that right?

    Quote Originally Posted by Sven View Post
    Honestly, does that really matter what he's eating? Does it really matter to the story, or is it some random filler crap that aspiring authors can over-describe in a sad attempt to look like they know what they are doing?

    I doubt a Munchlax eating would really add to its character development, so going into great detail on it is pointless.
    Okay fine, I was being sarcastic. But with a chapter that has so little plot, it was hard to come up with three places to point out description (Three is a magic number, no?).

    Quote Originally Posted by Sven View Post
    Ranger School, judging by the narration, it takes place sometime in the future past Ranger 2's plot. Yes this does lack description, but we know where and when. What we don't know is how or why Top rangers such as Kellyn and Kate are back in Ranger School, but I'll give that the benefit of the doubt that it will be explained later.

    Not that I think its good, but some of the criticism is just ridiculous. There are stories that purposely lack description aswell to try and set a mood.
    Of course, you're assuming the person reading it isn't living under a rock and has heard of Battonage. A summary of the events that transpired before the story might have helped...assuming the details were vague.
    If ya need me, I'm probably playing some Mann vs Machine: http://steamcommunity.com/id/optimatum

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    I am sooooo sorry. I admit, it is crap. But here is my link to better story. http://bmgf.bulbagarden.net/f227/cattlea-tylers-adventures-33331/#post699541

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    Registered User The Outrage's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ThatKidWithNo Originality View Post
    Of course, you're assuming the person reading it isn't living under a rock and has heard of Battonage. A summary of the events that transpired before the story might have helped...assuming the details were vague.
    Considering its a FanFiction, one would assume those who would read it are fans of Pokemon, more specifically the Ranger Series considering the name is in the title.

    In some fanfics, I see people describing Ash to the point that it has become ridiculous. Yes, a small description is nice, but this is a fanfic after all, and those reading it should be familiar to the main story line that you do not need to be excessive about explaining it.

    A summery of the story prior to these events would have been good in this case since it was not explained how or why two top rangers are back in ranger school--though, that itself could be covered in a flash back chapter in more detail.

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