Pokemon: The Nightmare War (Chapter 3 up now!)

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Thread: Pokemon: The Nightmare War (Chapter 3 up now!)

  1. #1
    17 username changes :D -Gray-'s Avatar
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    Default Pokemon: The Nightmare War (Chapter 3 up now!)

    Well, hello, everyone! I'm Gray, though I've been known by dozens of other names in the past. I've been the author of several fics, all of which died out due to my not having time to continue them.

    Now, I've got too much time on my hands for my own good, and I think I'll have time to create a fic. So, without further ado, Pokemon: The Nightmare War!

    Prologue/Chapter 1: The battle
    Last edited by -Gray-; 19th November 2010 at 04:26 PM.
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    Lord of Darkness DarkraiGuy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokemon: The Nightmare War

    Really great story! I like how you described Darkrai and Cresselia, especially Darkrai.

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    17 username changes :D -Gray-'s Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokemon: The Nightmare War

    Thanks! I'm happy someone commented on it!
    -Gray [n.] Any achromatic color; any color with zero chroma, intermediate between white and black.-
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    is obsessed with Noivern! Zekurom's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokemon: The Nightmare War

    Well, let's see. I'll point out a few stylistic problems:

    I was shaken awake by an earthquake-like rumbling. My whole room shook like crazy, and things were falling off the shelves. The roof was beginning to crack, and lumps of the ceiling fell down. It was completely insane.
    That last sentence kind of killed the mood. The description is too pithy and concise for storytelling purposes.

    But besides that, it seems pretty good!
    The word "quadragonal" is the only word with "dragon" in it where "dragon" is not a root word. That makes it awesome.

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    17 username changes :D -Gray-'s Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokemon: The Nightmare War

    Quote Originally Posted by Zodiac View Post
    That last sentence kind of killed the mood. The description is too pithy and concise for storytelling purposes.

    But besides that, it seems pretty good!
    I got rid of that sentence and added some more description to that part. Better?
    -Gray [n.] Any achromatic color; any color with zero chroma, intermediate between white and black.-
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    I! AM NOT! A MORON! Sith Droideka's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokemon: The Nightmare War

    Good first chapter! So boy saves Darkrai, Darkrai curses boy. Ain't that funny?
    ALL Pokémon Are EQUAL, But SOME Pokémon Are MORE EQUAL Than Others

    Oceania is at war with Eurasia Eastasia Eurasia Eastasia, and has always been at war with them!

    WAR IS PEACE. FREEDOM IS SLAVERY. IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH. GOD IS POWER.

    Next PolySci/Econ Test: November 8, 2016; Your crash-course will begin January 2013.

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    sink. an illegible mess.'s Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokemon: The Nightmare War

    Mmm.... It's pretty good so far.... A little thing I want to point out though:

    I was shaken awake by an earthquake-like rumbling. My whole room shook like crazy, and things were falling off the shelves. The roof was beginning to crack, and lumps of the ceiling fell down. The floor was falling apart, too, with pieces of it falling into the dining room below. Nearly every bit of furniture in my room had fallen over or borken apart.
    You use to much of the word "fall". Use different words! Express yourself! Look in a thesaurus for help on different words that mean the same. It's not a huge deal, but it still helps with description.

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    17 username changes :D -Gray-'s Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokemon: The Nightmare War

    Quote Originally Posted by Kōtaku no aru Kyukon View Post
    You use to much of the word "fall". Use different words! Express yourself! Look in a thesaurus for help on different words that mean the same. It's not a huge deal, but it still helps with description.
    There, how's that? I edited. Hmm... It seems like all my mistakes were in that one paragraph.

    Also, I just realized I mixed up two letters in "Broken" and spelled out "Borken".
    -Gray [n.] Any achromatic color; any color with zero chroma, intermediate between white and black.-
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    sink. an illegible mess.'s Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokemon: The Nightmare War

    Better now. Can't wait for the next chapter! :D

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    is obsessed with Noivern! Zekurom's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokemon: The Nightmare War

    Quote Originally Posted by Gray View Post
    I got rid of that sentence and added some more description to that part. Better?
    Much better. Great introduction!
    The word "quadragonal" is the only word with "dragon" in it where "dragon" is not a root word. That makes it awesome.

  11. #11
    17 username changes :D -Gray-'s Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokemon: The Nightmare War

    Thanks, everyone! I'm glad you liked the first chapter! So, without any more delay, the next chapter!

    Chapter Two: The Gift
    Last edited by -Gray-; 16th November 2010 at 08:01 PM.
    -Gray [n.] Any achromatic color; any color with zero chroma, intermediate between white and black.-
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  12. #12
    I shot a god Ryuutakeshi's Avatar Social Media Editor
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    Default Re: Pokemon: The Nightmare War (Chapter 2 up now!)

    I'm interested in this fic. It's got a rather good start to it.

    One thing I noticed that you may want to edit is:

    Eventually I stumbled over a log, and got sent flying straight into a small clearing.
    The word "eventually" doesn't really fit with that action. "Suddenly, or "In the darkness," would probably work a bit better. But otherwise it's a promising fic.

    Evil Figment (7:59:44 PM): Ryuu, however shakily you started, I've got to hand it to you that you earned my respect the hard way.

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    Default Re: Pokemon: The Nightmare War (Chapter 2 up now!)

    Quote Originally Posted by Hawkfire View Post
    The word "eventually" doesn't really fit with that action. "Suddenly, or "In the darkness," would probably work a bit better.
    Thanks for the advice!
    -Gray [n.] Any achromatic color; any color with zero chroma, intermediate between white and black.-
    Assassins' Creed: Reborn, my newest RP

  14. #14
    I! AM NOT! A MORON! Sith Droideka's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokemon: The Nightmare War (Chapter 2 up now!)

    Nightmare lord with Darkrai's handpicked team is awesome. I've never seen this before.

    One of your tags is off, though, human.
    ALL Pokémon Are EQUAL, But SOME Pokémon Are MORE EQUAL Than Others

    Oceania is at war with Eurasia Eastasia Eurasia Eastasia, and has always been at war with them!

    WAR IS PEACE. FREEDOM IS SLAVERY. IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH. GOD IS POWER.

    Next PolySci/Econ Test: November 8, 2016; Your crash-course will begin January 2013.

    Galvantula ≥ Kyurem > Mewtwo > Arceus

  15. #15
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    Default Re: Pokemon: The Nightmare War (Chapter 2 up now!)

    Quote Originally Posted by Sith Droideka View Post
    One of your tags is off, though, human.
    What do you mean by "Tags"?
    -Gray [n.] Any achromatic color; any color with zero chroma, intermediate between white and black.-
    Assassins' Creed: Reborn, my newest RP

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