Pokemon: New Heroes [Chapter 2 up]

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  1. #1
    Unregistered User Rakarei's Avatar
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    Default Pokemon: New Heroes [Chapter 2 up]

    Quote Originally Posted by Rakarei's blog
    So, some of you may or may not remember when I dabbled in fanfiction. If you don't want to you don't have to read it, just know that I didn't really know what I was doing and ran the thing into the ground and watched it burn.

    Well I wanted to bring it back on two different occasions. But each time I only wrote a little bit because I'd messed it up so much that I didn't know what to do. I'd created so many plot holes and random things to deal with that it was pointless to try and bring it back.

    So, why am I trying again? Because this time I'm not going forward. This time I'm going back. Back to the beginning to fix everything. I'm rewriting all ten and a half chapters that are currently written, and then I'm going to continue on.
    Yes that's right I came through this time. As bad as it was the first time people seemed to like it, so hopefully people will like it more this time.

    Well, here we go:


    Chapter One

    Pewter City was always so beautiful early in the morning. The sun was just reaching above the horizon to the east. The dull light hit the stone the city was cut from, creating an eerie atmosphere of half darkness. The Pidgey and Spearow began to wake up, some could be seen flying overhead and their calls broke the peaceful silence every few moments.

    Everyone for miles around was still asleep. But not George Smith. For years now George had watched the sunrise over the pond in the park at the end of his street. The park was officially called Golden Pidgey Park, but everyone knew it as “The Park”. The pond didn’t have a name.

    George liked watching the sunrise, it was one of those times when there really was no one to bother him.

    The water Pokemon that lived in the pond were starting to wake up. A Poliwag swam around the edge of the pond, almost like it was looking for someone.

    Maybe it’s looking for me, George thought.

    George watched the Poliwag for a little while before going back home. People were starting to wake up now; some were walking outside to get their mail. George saw a Growlithe run out to get a newspaper.

    George stopped and watched the Growlithe. Growlithe was one of his favorite Pokemon. George didn’t like that many fire type Pokemon, but there was something about Growlithe. They were so loyal and so affectionate. The one George was watching ran back to its porch where it dropped the paper at the foot of its owner. The owner bent down to pick it up and laughed as his Pokemon licked his face.

    Looking at people with their Pokemon always made George feel lonely. George didn’t have any Pokemon, and at 15, it was looking like he wouldn’t ever get his own. All of his friends got theirs when they were 11 or 12. To George, it seemed as though it was to late.

    George had been alone most of these last 4 years, after all his of friends left there wasn’t much left to do. He’d never been further south than the edge of Vermilion Forest or further east than the gatehouse. To the north and west there were just mountains. He didn’t know what life was like outside of the city. The only people he ever saw from other places were Pokemon trainers who cam for the annual tournament.

    George had heard from somewhere that there used to be things called “Pokemon Gyms”. Supposedly a long time ago trainers would travel to the gyms to challenge the leaders to battles, and if the won they’d get “badges”. Get eight badges and you got to challenge the “Pokemon League” and claim the title of champion, if you won that is.

    It wasn’t like that anymore. Now, the four regions of Kanto, Johto, Hoenn, and Sinnoh had tournaments to qualify for the semiannual final tournament. There were eight tournaments per region, one in each city that used to have a gym.

    George watched the Pewter City tournament every year. He knew all sorts of strategies, he’d seen so many battles that he knew what to do in so many situations. It’s too bad he could never put that knowledge to use.

    George got back to his house and went inside. He didn’t really have anything to do today, so he was probably just going to walk around downtown for a while like he usually did.

    George’s mom wasn’t home. She had gone to work already. George’s dad had died when he was two. Because of that his mom was very overprotective, she had forbidden him from getting a Pokemon or ever leaving the city.

    George ate some breakfast, got his bike and went outside. George unfolded his bike, got on and started his trip downtown.

    As he was riding by the museum, George saw a large crowd of people. He got off his bike and walked over to see what was going on.

    The crowd parted and out walked Professor Oak. Even at the age of 90, the professor was still a lively man; although he did hire an assistant a few years ago that he said would “take over when I’m finally too old to do this anymore. HA, like that’ll ever happen”.

    George turned to a man next to him in the crowd, “Why’s Professor Oak here?”

    “He was giving a lecture about some new scientific breakthrough that could allow people and Pokemon to speak to each other”, the man said.

    The crowd followed Oak and his assistant, Nick O’Connor, all the way to the entrance of town. George followed behind the crowd. As the crowd dispersed, George kept watching as Oak and Nick walked into the Viridian Forest.

    George turned to walk back to the road he was biking on. Suddenly, the ground under his left foot seemed to slide away under him, and he fell on his face. His bike fell on top of him.

    “Shit”, George said as he pushed his bike off of his back. He got up and turned around to find what it was that tripped him. He felt around on the ground for a minute until he found it and picked it up.

    In his hand was a Pokeball.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    This is where I comment on chapter. I did this last time too.

    See now you know the things in the Pokemon world I've messed with right away so that you don't have to guess what's going on.
    Last edited by Rakarei; 27th January 2011 at 08:32 PM.
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  2. #2
    "Equality" mini-chan's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokemon: New Heroes

    Good.

    I like the flow and the discriptiveness, however the ending of the chapter is abrupt, but passable.

  3. #3
    Registered User HollyWrites's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokemon: New Heroes

    very nice :)
    Message me? I don't bite!
    Ta, x

  4. #4
    Unregistered User Rakarei's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokemon: New Heroes

    Thanks for reading, and thank you very much for the compliments and criticism! I've been doing my best to improve, here's the next chapter.

    Chapter Two

    The Pokeball was heavier than George thought it would have been. It was also warm, not uncomfortably warm but warm like it was alive. Maybe it had a Pokemon inside it.

    “Uh, Pokeball, go!” George said, tossing the ball into the air. Sure enough it opened and shot out a bright red beam that zigzagged as it shot towards the ground. The beam pulled back into the ball and the ball closed and landed gently in George’s hand.

    Standing in front of George was a small snakelike Pokemon. It was light blue with a white underbelly and small white wings on its head. It looked at George with its big eyes. The Pokemon wasn’t scared, but it did seem confused.

    “Whoa… a Dratini”, George had seen TV shows about Dratini, they were very rare and possessed intelligence on par with that of humans. They usually lived deep in water filled caves.

    George was wondering what a Pokeball with a rare Pokemon was doing lying on the ground when he noticed a label on the bottom.

    PROPERTY OF OAK POKEMON LABORATORY, PALLET TOWN, KANTO

    Well, now George knew where it came from. Oak must have dropped when he was leaving. Oak would probably want it back, George thought. Besides, George couldn’t do anything with the Dratini because it wasn’t his.

    Then George thought of something. If he brought the Dratini back to Oak, Oak would probably be very grateful. So greatful that maybe he’d be able to give George a Pokemon even without the consent of his mother. It couldn’t be too far to Pallet Town, he could probably get there and come home before his mom knew he was gone. After that his mom couldn’t keep him at home anymore, he’d be a Pokemon trainer and he’d be able to go on adventures just like all his friends did.

    George lifted the Pokeball, pointed it at the Dratini, and said “Dratini, return”.

    The ball opened and red beam of light shot out again. It surrounded the Dratini, who seemed to dissolve into it. It then pulled back as the ball closed.

    George slipped the ball into his pocket, got on his bike, and started pedaling south towards Viridian Forest. It wasn’t very far, only a couple minutes. You could even see the gate from the edge of Pewter City.

    As he was about to go through the gate George realized that he was about to go into a place full of wild Pokemon without a Pokemon of his own. I won’t be in there too long, he thought. He decided it wasn’t something to be too concerned about and walked through the gate.

    Inside the forest it was much darker. Little sun got through the canopy of trees. George began walking south; he had seen enough maps to know that was the general direction he needed to go. With each step the forest grew darker, and the surrounding noises grew more frequent… and sinister sounding. Every once in a while George thought he saw out of the corner of his eye a pair of red eyes staring at him through the trees, but when he turned to look, there was nothing there. George could also hear buzzing, but the source always seemed just out of sight in the dense forest.

    George kept walking for what seemed like hours, or days. George couldn’t tell, he had lost all sense of time in the darkness of the forest. With every step that didn’t bring the exit into view George grew more anxious. He hadn’t expected to be in the forest for so long.

    Occasionally George saw movement in the tall grass around him, but whatever it was ran away before he could see what it was.

    In the darkness the ever-present buzzing sound got louder. It seemed to George like it was getting closer, he could tell which direction it was coming from now. George turned towards the noise, and what he saw made him melt with terror. A fully-grown Beedrill was charging right at him. Not knowing what to do, George got up and ran as fast as he could. But the Beedrill was gaining. George hurried, not wanting to know what the Beedrill would do if it captured him. He knew that Beedrill didn’t have a reputation for being friendly.

    As George ran he started to see light coming through the trees like when he first entered the forest. He started running faster to get to the exit before the Beedrill caught up to him.

    But as just as George thought he was home free another Beedrill flew out of the woods in front of him. He didn’t know what to do; the path he was on was blocked from both sides. He made a decision to run to the left, off the path and deeper into the forest.

    George quickly realized this was a mistake. The there was no path; he had no idea where he was. Just then he tripped on a tree root and fell flat on his face. The two Beedrill were coming fast, George scrambled to get up only to realize the Pokeball had fallen out of his pocket when he fell. George turned to look for it, but stopped when he saw the Dratini standing in front of him. It looked happy to see him.

    The buzzing sound made by the two Beedrill was getting closer. George didn’t know what to do. Then he thought, I’ve seen plenty of Pokemon battles, I can beat these Beedrill.

    The first Beedrill emerged from the trees. It turned towards George and the Dratini and charged, jabbing widely with its needles.

    “Dratini, dodge it!” George yelled.

    Just as Beedrill was about to hit Dratini with its twin needle attack, the Dratini jumped. Beedrill’s attack missed, and Beedrill kept going.

    George realized he had no idea what attacks the Dratini knew. “Uhh… tackle it?” He yelled.

    Dratini dove downward and Slammed Beedrill into the ground. Then, it turned back to George, and seemed to make a facial expression of happiness.

    George walked over and picked up Dratini’s Pokeball. As he was standing up the other Beedrill flew out of the trees.

    “Hey, Beedrill”, George said. “If you don’t want to end up like your friend here then go away”.

    The Beedrill looked at the unconscious Beedrill on the ground and then at Dratini. Then it seemed to growl before turning around and flying back into the deeper part of the forest.

    “Uhh, Dratini, return” George said, holding out the Pokeball. The red beam of light shot out and surrounded Dratini, pulling it back into the ball. George looked around. He could see the path from where he was standing so he walked back to it. Once he got there he started walking south towards the exit.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    I hope the ending wasn't as abrupt this time.

    Comments and criticism are always welcome!
    Secret butt fun!

    Avatar made by this guy. I have a YouTube account and a twitter.
    In Soviet Bulbagarden, anime is butthurt over all aspects of YOU!

  5. #5
    EL-OH-EL Italics's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokemon: New Heroes [Chapter 2 up]

    Howdy, man. I'm Italics, and I'm gonna be poking around your fic a bit. See, I'm gonna put all spelling, grammar, and punctuation corrections in yellow, and put my own comments in a small, bold font. I'm practicing reviewing styles, so please bear with me if you could.

    Chapter one:



    Yeah, sorry to say, but your George seems sort of depressed.

    Chapter two:



    Yeah, don't press the Space key twice when starting a new sentence. Once will suffice.

    And keep with the story. I'm seeing improvement between the two chapters. Your character is interesting. (But I think it's because I think he's horribly depressed and masking his true agony.) Good stuff so far, though your description needs work.

    I'M AN UTTER BADASS.
    Also, my fan fics, my episode recaps, and my reviewing badge.

  6. #6
    Registered User sharktooth162's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokemon: New Heroes [Chapter 2 up]

    Good fic and I like the way its progressing but what is it with everyone and beedrill attacking people. For once can we have a butterfree or something for a change
    Read my fanfic Tales of the Gym leader's and comment if you like or dislike it thanks

    A massive thanks to Kyuujux for the amazing banner

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