Pokemon Master Journey

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Thread: Pokemon Master Journey

  1. #1
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    Default Pokemon Master Journey

    2 My Pokemon Fic

    Episode 1 Eevee I choose you

    Narrator: In the Pokemon world there are many amazing creatures called Pokemon. Pokemon live with their trainers. Each trainer has a story but this story is about a trainer named Shelby (narrator stops).
    It was almost 10:00pm and Shelby was dreaming of which Pokemon he would choose he finally decided it would be Bulbusaur.
    Hours later he heard his mom yell Shelby time to get your Pokemon. He looked one last time at the wall and stared at a poster of Ash Ketchum his favorite Trainer. Like him he lived in Pallet Town. He wiped his brown hair back and stared at the necklace with a feather on it. It deep red glow stung his eye.
    It was what he had left of his father.
    He got dressed and ran downstairs. “Want breakfast,” his mom asked.
    “No” he said. “I’m late” he yelled. He dashed too Prof. Oaks Lab. He sprinted up the stairs and something happened that changed his life forever.
    A kid named Brain ran up the stairs and tripped him the last Pokemon mine. Brain walked through the doors and came up jumping my Squirtle ha.
    Tears rolled down Shelby eyes. “ Why did you do that?” Shelby asked.
    “Because I felt like it” Brain smirked and walked down the stairs.
    No Pokemon Shelby thought. “Oh man,” he said. He started to walk down the stairs and heard a voice.
    “Stop, I might have a pokemon for you” said Prof. Oak.
    “Really” asked Shelby. Shelby followed Oak to the lab. He picked up the Pokeball. It opened with a flash of light. An eevee jumped out and bit Shelby in the hand. He shook him off and tried to make him get in the ball. But Eevee wouldn’t. “I found him the other day at my door” oak said.
    “He must not like Pokeballs” Said Oak. “I knew another time that happened” said Oak. “But anyway you can have a Pokedex and 5 pokeballs.
    “Thanks” said Shelby. He walked out and was immediately asked for a battle. It was A contest started against all new trainers first Shelby vs. Anny she had a Bulbusaur and immedeatlly the battle started . “Eevee bite it” Shelby yelled. But it wouldn’t it got hit right in the face by a vine whip then its eyes grew dark red and it kept head butting it. “Stop” Shelby yelled but Eevee wouldn’t . It looked at Shelby and then ran off. “Wait” Shelby yelled.

    TO BE CONTINUED..
    Last edited by Frogla; 11th October 2005 at 08:03 PM.

  2. #2
    Java Girl Barb's Avatar Retired Staff
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    A few critical points:

    1. Technically, this is too short to be a chapter. More details are needed.
    2. There's little to no punctuation in some paragraphs and the paragraphs aren't spaced correctly. When one person is speaking, that is placed on a separate line from the preceding paragraph. When another person begins speaking, that is a new paragraph.
    3. You seriously need a good beta-reader if you're going to continue writing.

  3. #3
    A black and white world Blackjack Gabbiani's Avatar
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    Well, you start off with a narrator, but the narrator keeps up the whole time. I know you're trying to make it like the show, but the narrator just talks at the beginning and end of episodes.

    Also, you have glaring errors. Let's look at just one line:

    It was A contest started against all new trainers first Shelby vs. Anny she had a Bulbusaur and immedeatlly the battle started .
    -"A" shouldn't be capitalized.
    -The whole thing should be two sentences instead of one.
    -What do you mean by "contest started against all new trainers"? Does Anny challenge all new trainers? Or is it just refering to the first battle had by new trainers in general?
    -You misspelled "Bulbasaur" and "immediately".
    -How do we know Anny has a Bulbasaur? Did she say what she had when she challenged Shelby? Was it standing next to her?

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