Pokemon London Abduction

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  1. #1
    Being called Emo. Light Fang's Avatar
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    Default Pokemon London Abduction

    Chapter 1 The past years excitement
    “GET UP! GET UP! IT’S MORNING!”
    “WHA! OW!”
    “HAHAHA!”
    “I wish my sister never caught that Chatot…”
    “HAHAHA! DORK!”
    “That is it!!! YOU’RE COUNTRY FRIED CHICKEN!”
    (WHAM!)
    “OUCH!”

    I got up out of bed and I jumped at my sisters Chatot who moves out of the way and I slam into the wall nose first.

    “LOSER!”
    “That stinking Chatot… Oh well time to feed my Pokémon… But it sure has been quiet a year ever since Pokémon have appeared in our world…”

    It has been a year since the Pokémon world had fused with the real world… Me, Ray, and Wes still help people in need but not as Shadow, Ryujin, or Black Cat as our normal selves… but there are some other changes like our Pokémon teams have grown I used to be just a Latias, Arcanine, Ninetales, Eevee, Absol, Vulpix, Vaporeon, Jolteon, Flareon, Espeon, Umbreon, Glaceon, Leafeon, and a Pikachu has now grown to… I used to have a male Blaziken but it would not listen to me so I traded it to Ray for his rather disobedient female Luxray but after the trade it licks me with great affection… but there are still more… I’ve also caught an Altaria, Ampharos, and Articuno… (I saved her from some poachers and she attached herself to me.)… Blastoise, Celebi … (I also saved her from poachers and she is a shiny pink one she is timid yet playful)… Flygon, Froslass, Gardevoir, Gorebyss, Kirlia, Lapras… (Unofficially it belongs to me, Wes, and Ray.)… Lopunny… (Overly affectionate.)… Lucario… (Always there for me. Loves me deeply but has trouble showing any emotion of her feelings toward me because she thinks that we are just friends.)… Plusle&Minun… (Twin sisters.)… Moltres… (Came with her sister Articuno.)… Pachirisu… (Very hyper and just loves to play tag.)… Pichu, Raichu, Shaymin…( A very funny story I go to a flower shop to buy some flowers to show my mom I care that she is there for me and instead I end up getting a Shaymin who was apparently mistaken for flowers since she had fallen asleep.)… Torchic, Zangoose… (Shares same kind of deal as Lucario but can show her emotions to me but has trouble saying the right things at times.)… and Zippos… (All three sisters joined up with me.) It is just funny all I can catch are female Pokémon and the last male one I had just hated me. But I also have Pokémon that have developed a Kinship with me or I couldn’t catch them for some reason like… Deoxys… I had saved them from some poachers but in the process had a bullet shot through my arm but to repay me for my kindness Deoxys used some strange power to completely heal my arm and the gunshot wound completely vanished, Dialga… It knew me from my Pokémon Mystery Dungeon Explorers game so we developed a Kinship, Entei… Saved me from a forest fire after defeating some poachers who set the forest ablaze and in return I cured them from their poison a poacher give them, Giratina… It terrorized a town just to get me so we could talk but I was so angry with their way to get my attention that I just ignored them but they apologized and they left, Groundon & Kyogre… stopped them from fighting which almost destroyed Hawaii, Latios… He comes around to check on Latias, Lugia… I saved her from poachers and we bonded but more poachers came so she had to go into hiding but we would find the time to chat with each other, I’ve befriended Suicune or she befriended me it’s confusing… It was during the fight between Groundon & Kyogre I was flying on my Latias over the sea when a flying rock hit us Latias stayed in the air but I got thrown off into the raging waters each wave pushing deeper and deeper under until I was taken below the waters I hold my breath as a sea the light of the surface getting darker and darker and just before I ran out of air I see something coming towards and I black out as my mouth opens and water rushes in… I later come too and see a Suicune in a Pokemorph form. (A Pokémon that retains its Pokémon appearance but walks on to legs and can speak fluent English.) She had given me mouth to mouth to wake me up and when I woke up I see her warm loving smile then I see what she is wearing a two piece blue bikini which blended into her fur so I started to blush then she moves her lips to mine and gives me a kiss but I back away call Latias and leave her looking upset… But that isn’t our only meeting… There was this time I got captured by some poachers by a lake they had bound my arms and legs, covered my eyes and mouth, wrapped chains around my legs, then threw me into the lake fast enough to knock of the blind fold… But just before they covered my mouth I shouted HELP! Then I reach the bottom of the lake and just before I pass out I see the same Suicune coming to my rescue. Later I once again wake up from getting more mouth to mouth from her but this time I notice a HUGE blush that covers her whole face then she asks about joining my team but she had tried to get another kiss from me so I had refused with a hint of embarrassment in my voice she was rather hurt but she quickly got better and told me that if I call out for help that she will come and help me… But everything has been fine… My mom gets more done with the help of her Manchamp, Grandma gets to sleep more while her Alakazam uses Safeguard, My sister annoys me with her Chatot or she just cuddles with her skitty, and me nothing new…

    “Ok everyone come and get it… LUNCH TIME!”

    All my Pokémon come in a stamped to eat while nearly trampling over me…

    To be continued…
    I'm so depressing it's almost funny... But I'm not fully depressing at times.

  2. #2
    Guess Who's Watching... Aladar's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokemon London Abduction

    What the Johto is this?!

    First, it's just a wall of text. And a short one. Double-space the paragraphs. And shorten, drastically shorten your sentences. Half the text is actually one long sentence that lists all your, uhmm... your character's Pokemon (including Legendaries- what a surprise) and how you saved them. All and you have all the eeveevolutions. Plus Lucario.

    I know that we're supposed to give advice when reviewing, but where to start from? Okay, I mentioned paragraphs, sentence lenght, the part that screams Mary Sue (all those cool Pokemon just can't help but love you...uhm your character, can't they?) Oh, maybe you should put in some description. 'Cause there's none. Having something that at least resembles a plot would be fine, too.

    And make your chapters longer- that thing, if properly spaced, would probably be shorter than a page on Word.

    One question, just one question- is the main character of this fic a version of yourself? Is s/he actually you (I couldn't even get what gender is the protagonist)?
    Last edited by Aladar; 9th January 2010 at 03:25 PM.


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  3. #3
    Let's get funky! Gama's Avatar Former Head Administrator
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    Default Re: Pokemon London Abduction

    Quote Originally Posted by Aladar View Post
    What the Johto is this?!

    First, it's just a wall of text. And a short one. Double-space the paragraphs. And shorten, drastically shorten your sentences. Half the text is actually one long sentence that lists all your, uhmm... your character's Pokemon (including Legendaries- what a surprise) and how you saved them. All and you have all the eeveevolutions. Plus Lucario.

    I know that we're supposed to give advice when reviewing, but where to start from? Okay, I mentioned paragraphs, sentence lenght, the part that screams Mary Sue (all those cool Pokemon just can't help but love you...uhm your character, can't they?) Oh, maybe you should put in some description. 'Cause there's none. Having something that at least resembles a plot would be fine, too.

    And make your chapters longer- that thing, if properly spaced, would probably be shorter than a page on Word.

    One question, just one question- is the main character of this fic a version of yourself? I s/he actually you (I couldn't even get what gender is the protagonist)?
    This.

    But, Aladar, I believe I can shed light on a couple of things. I too was confused about the character's gender so I decided to look on Leafeon Trainer's profile and LT is a male. Judging by this story so far, I would be very surprised if the character were not also a male.

    I really want to be constructive, but there are so many flaws in this story it's ridiculous. This isn't even a chapter, it's a back story - a long and confusing back story that adds very little to your character. Honestly, when I saw "My team used to consist only of..." and then a list of about a hundred Pokemon I thought 'Ha, if their team has increased that much, it'd take up the whole story to list the new team.' Oh, if only I had known how accurate that throwaway remark was...

    Who are Shadow, Ryujin and Black Cat? You give insight into a completely mundane past and yet leave out what appears to be really important. You talk about how the Pokemon world has fused with the real world and then your story seems to ignore this completely. Your first chapter should engage the reader, but this just seems boring, confusing and pointless.

    I'm sorry I've been so harsh, hopefully you can take... something... from this.

  4. #4
    Photo ALL of the Pokemon TPJerematic's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokemon London Abduction

    *wipes the blood from his eyes*

    Oh wow ... I was just slowly scrolling down when it suddenly hit this giant wall of text ... ow.

    I'll add to this when the wall is paragraphed ... there's little point otherwise.

    But it just looks like GaryStu I'm so awesome look at my awesome pokemon list. I think i saw an Articuno in there too.

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