Pokemon:The Journal Of Hikari

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Thread: Pokemon:The Journal Of Hikari

  1. #1
    のトレーナー Ren-Kun's Avatar
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    Thumbs up Pokemon:The Journal Of Hikari

    Pokemon:unlimited
    Writer Notes:This is my first fan fic so be nice, is a little short every update i make whould be like that,If you have something to help with my fanfic please post.

    Journal:One
    Chapter:a girl called hikari

    Nararetor:Girls always caried a journal in there purses or the hinden it under there beds,but the boys always tried to read there journals but that wish will become real.

    One day in jouto pokemon center:Hikari:So what happened when you got there Profesor?Prof.Elm:Well i found some new discoveries but nothing that will helped or ivestigation but anyway is geting late i should go to my lab,Bye Hikari see you later.Hikari:You too profii.Prof:DAMED Hikari i tell you to stop called me like that.Hikari:okay profii.Prof:DAMED YOU!.Hikari:Okay time for a little journal writing.Well today journal:(journey virtualization:Hikari:Mom is breakfast is ready,becase i really hungry!!Mom:Breakfast is served.Hikari:Finaly you bitch!N:She goes down stairs.Hikari:O the delicios food for little cuttie me.<munch munch...>N:she eat Liked berserk animals.Mom:Are you all done with you meal:Hikari:Listen you bitch you no tell me when i done with my food.Mom:i just was asking if you done eating.Hikari:Now bitch serve me more bacon and eggs.Mom:Rigth away honey.N:so after eating like lion,Hikari walks trougth Profesor.Elm Lab.(cotinues in the next chapter)

    i hope someone like it,more soon


    by

    Envyblaze

    see ya

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  2. #2
    A black and white world Blackjack Gabbiani's Avatar
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    Oh, where to begin? First off, you should really hit return between every new line in a script format. Like so.

    Character A: What's going on?

    Character B: I don't know, I just got here!

    See?

    Another thing is that the characterization is nil. Hikari bosses around her mother? Is that supposed to be funny? It fails.

    And another thing is that spell check is your friend. Even if you don't have it on your computer, there's bound to be several online sources.

    Overall, it needs a *LOT* of work.

  3. #3
    のトレーナー Ren-Kun's Avatar
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    thanks,for crictic i know i need do better but i will try beter next time.

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  4. #4
    追放されたバカ Habunake's Avatar
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    Don't the dialouge in script format either.

    It should look like this:

    One day in a Johto Pokemon Center, Hikari, a young girl, was talking to a professor over a small, green tv.
    "So what happened when you got there Professor?" she asked politely and with much interest.
    "Well I found some new discoveries but nothing that will help our ivestigation, but anyway it is geting late. I should go to my lab, bye Hikari! See you later." the eager Professor Elm replied nervously
    "You too Profii." she said in a cute, innocent voice.
    "DAMN! Hikari, I told you to stop calling me that!" (VERY OOC for Elm)
    "Okay Profii"
    "DAMN YOU!" Elm said as his face turned a bright red from anger as he cut the connection on the phone. (OOC again)
    "Okay, time for a little journal writing. Well today journal" Hikari began to say as she remembered back to the previous morning.

    "Mom, is breakfast is ready? I'm really hungry!!" she yelled down the stairs to her mother.
    "Breakfast is served!" her mother announced as Hikari came piling down the stairs.
    "Finaly you bitch!", Hikari rather rudely replied as she took a seat at a fine, wooden table as her mother brought over a plate of food.
    "Oh, the delicious food for little cutie me!" Hikari cutely said as she began wildly munching down her food, as her mother nervously creeped over.
    "Are you all done with you meal?" she asked.
    "Listen you bitch, you don't tell me when I'm done with my food!" she yelled in response as her mom backed off in fear.
    "I was just asking if you were done eating." she squeaked in protest.
    "Now bitch, serve me more bacon and eggs!"
    "Right away honey!" she said as went to fetch some more food for Hikari, who devoured it down just as quickly as the other serving. After filling her stomach, she got up and walked out the door, as she made her way to a big, white building a few miles away.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Even with these alterations to make it readable, your fic disgust me. The fact you have Hikari refering to her mom as a "bitch" is just rude and uneeded. Can I ask how old you are, and do you talk to your mom like that?
    Last edited by Habunake; 8th August 2006 at 02:20 PM.

  5. #5
    Brock's Pikachu LightningTopaz's Avatar Moderator
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    Script CAN be well done...you're welcome to check out "The Ash and Pikachu Show" if you want to see a good example of script done right.

    Example:

    Instead of this:

    Ash: Blah blah blah(does something)
    Brock: Blah blah?

    Try this:

    Ash: Blah blah blah (Ash walks over to stage right, picking up a ball and various toys in his pathway)

    Brock: Blah blah?
    My URPG stats: Maya's status

    SuBuWriMo status: 28,103 words in all!

  6. #6
    追放されたバカ Habunake's Avatar
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    I know, but that's more of a stage show. It work's fine for yours, Topaz, just not this one.

  7. #7
    のトレーナー Ren-Kun's Avatar
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    my age 15,and no i don,t talk my mom like that i just put it in the fic because i want people to notice cute side of hikari and the bad side hikari too.ya know

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  8. #8
    追放されたバカ Habunake's Avatar
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    So, is she bipolar or something? I thought I was reading about her evil twin in the second part.

    Also, your 15. Your going in to High School, correct? And you grammar and spelling is this bad? I'm sorry, but I'm worried about the youth of today, I'm only 16, and I typed way better then that at 15.

  9. #9
    のトレーナー Ren-Kun's Avatar
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    okay i know that type a little bad,but i am from puerto rico not usa,and another thing i get A+ PLUS in english.i maybe be not perfect writer but everyone makes typos and mistakes.

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  10. #10
    追放されたバカ Habunake's Avatar
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    Yeah, but not that many. If you have an A+ in English, yet don't know how to properly write, then it's a little unbelieveable.

  11. #11
    のトレーナー Ren-Kun's Avatar
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    Is not just typos sometimes i rush some reply and topics,and still i got say this twice i not from usa i from P.R a united free state of america.means that i do not write well english or speak it well.and another thing my dad is american so i learn english from he.*talks mad clear*

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  12. #12
    追放されたバカ Habunake's Avatar
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    Well, you shouldn't rush through a story. You should spell check it. And even not knowing good english, you should atleast know sentence formation.

  13. #13
    Java Girl Barb's Avatar Retired Staff
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    If English is not your first language, a beta reader will proofread your work for you and edit it accordingly.

    However, your story is barely a paragraph long. You need to develop a plot and some characterizations before continuing. What you have isn't enough for a chapter; as it stands, it's barely a prologue.

    And for the last time, script format does not look like this:

    Ash: blah blah blah
    Brock: blah blah blah

    This is what an actual script looks like.

  14. #14
    Prince of the Sea
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    It's a pretty good story but it was kinda hard to read... PearlShipping cough* cough*
    Proud PearlShipper


  15. #15
    のトレーナー Ren-Kun's Avatar
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    Well i like to close this tread i whould not update this anymore.

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    HikarixNozomi
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