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    Collaborate and listen. Vubberth's Avatar
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    Default Pokémon: Jikasei Journey

    This story is set in the region of Jikasei, not far from the other Pokémon region. Within its borders, people and Pokémon work and play together in a mutually beneficial relationship; they help each other in times of good and strife. Our story follows a timid Trainer, an amiable Mechanic, a rogue Pokémon, a deceased caretaker, a chivalrous rival, a villianous team, and much more.

    --- Table of Contents ---

    Chapter 1 - The Trainer from Margrove
    Chapter 2 - The Mechanic
    Chapter 3 - Lucky Break
    Chapter 4 - Hurt
    Last edited by Vubberth; 7th May 2011 at 10:18 AM. Reason: Updated Table of Contents to include Chapter 4
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    Collaborate and listen. Vubberth's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokémon: Jikasei Journey

    --- Chapter 1: The Trainer from Margrove ---



    Eustace Tucker awoke to the sound of Starly chirping and the blaze of the morning sun. He yawned and stretched, then threw off the Phanpy-print blanket and climbed out of bed. He checked the calender, and his eyes widened. The date was February 18th. It was his birthday! Eustace quickly got ready for the day, donning his favorite outfit, a gray hoodie and khaki pants. All the while, he thought to himself the pact his father had made with him on his last birthday.

    "Eustace, most 10-year-olds begin a journey with Pokémon on their birthdays," he had said. "But... I don't believe you are ready to see the world yet. It isn't all fun and games out there, you know." Eustace felt his stomach twist into a knot. "I know you've always wanted a Pokémon, but I think you should become more social and mature before going out into Jikasei." His father had winked. "Don't worry, though. I swear that when your eleventh birthday arrives, I will get you your very own Pokémon and you can leave home, just like all your friends will."

    Eustace became even more excited as he slid down the banister onto the 4th floor of Margrove Apartments, where his dad's room was. His dad opened the door as soon as Eustace began eagerly knocking at it. On the polished oak table was a huge box with a large velvet bow atop. A Pokémon's cry could be heard from the box!

    "Oh, dad..." Eustace took another look at the box to see if it was real. The cry hit his ears once more; this time, he was sure of which Pokémon it was. He had seen this Pokémon on his Pokédex. "...Dad, thank you!" His father smiled at him. "All those months I felt so bad about keeping you from going on a journey like all of your friends. I hope this can make up for it." His dad was practically beaming when he pulled the ribbon. Out of the box jumped a Phanpy! Eustace picked it up. It was light for a Ground-type Pokémon, but Eustace could hardly breathe holding it with both hands. His father set it on the ground.

    "Phanpy!" The Long Nose Pokémon curled itself up into a ball and began rolling around the room. "Ha ha!" Eustace chased after it in a wide circle, taking care not to knock over anything. "Phanpy is using Rollout!" His dad looked concerned. "Be careful," he said. "This room is dirty enough as it is." Eustace's father was a construction worker; each day he would come inside his apartment and track mud and dirt over the carpeting and chairs. The room smelled like rubber and caked dust. Phanpy finally slowed down to greet Eustace. It smiled and waved its left ear. "Phan, phan!"

    Eustace smiled. After waiting a year, the time had finally come. His mother and father stood with him in the lobby of Margrove Apartments. Phanpy was in its Poké Ball, which Eustace held. His mother hugged him. "I knew you would leave," she said. "I thought you would leave sooner so that we could get it over with, but I knew you'd leave." His dad smiled at him. "I know you'll be as good a Trainer as I was someday." He ruffled his son's hair. Eustace bid his farewell and walked out the door.

    Eustace Tucker now stood outside the Apartments. The wind gently tossed his messy blue hair, and light reflected off of the windows of Margrove city's buildings. He turned towards the pier to see the sun again. It was dawn. Eustace had begun his journey, and it was off to a magnificent start.
    Last edited by Vubberth; 28th April 2011 at 03:23 PM. Reason: Edited a Grammar Mistake

  3. #3
    ◓Gypsy Vanner Horse Kyuuketsuki's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokémon: Jikasei Journey

    That was a great start for a story. Very few grammar mistakes. I expected to see more of Eustace's personality, as well as his parents'. And even though you provided a picture (of Eustace?), a written description is always good. Really, there are no problems but the lack of description. Keep it up.

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    Collaborate and listen. Vubberth's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokémon: Jikasei Journey

    Quote Originally Posted by Kyuujux View Post
    That was a great start for a story. Very few grammar mistakes. I expected to see more of Eustace's personality, as well as his parents'. And even though you provided a picture (of Eustace?), a written description is always good. Really, there are no problems but the lack of description. Keep it up.
    Thank you, Kyuujux. This is my first prose story in a very long time, and I'm glad to know I'm still good at it. I will make sure I provide more details in the future. (Yes, the picture is of Eustace.) I also plan to develop his personality more.

    Also, could you tell me where I had any grammar mistakes? I need to learn from them. The reason for the picture is for me to sharpen my sprite editing skills and just to liven up the boring green page. Thanks for the feedback!
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    ◓Gypsy Vanner Horse Kyuuketsuki's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokémon: Jikasei Journey

    then climbed threw off the Phanpy-print blanket and climbed out of bed.
    As well as having lines of dialogue from 2 or more characters in one paragraph. In this case, Eustace, his father, and Phanpy.

  6. #6
    Collaborate and listen. Vubberth's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokémon: Jikasei Journey

    Quote Originally Posted by Kyuujux View Post
    As well as having lines of dialogue from 2 or more characters in one paragraph. In this case, Eustace, his father, and Phanpy.
    Thanks, fixed the typo.
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    Default Re: Pokémon: Jikasei Journey

    --- Chapter 2: The Mechanic ---



    Anaheim Peigh-Braebuff stared silently at the machine. 30 watchful eyes burned into her. In one hand she had a wrench, in the other, a stopwatch. The machine was a Miniremo unit. The Ranger Union from Almia had these sent to Margrove City for the students to dismantle. Today, Margrove Ranger School was a class of Mechanics.

    Anaheim (Or Anna Brae, as they called her), swiftly tore off the bottom of the computer. That was where the memory was. Sparks flew, but she was unfazed. Then reached into her toolbox for some pliers. The kids watching in awesome as the Mechanic swiftly removed all the wires connecting to commands. Now she could disable the module that brainwashes Pokémon.

    Within the minute, Anna Brae had a machine that had did nothing, but it had not a scratch on it. The class was impressed. She brushed her blonde hair out of her face. The teacher approached the desk, and quietly thanked Anna. "So, who has any questions for our guest Mechanic today?"

    "Do you do this a lot?"

    "Is it fun? Is it easy?"

    "Do you like getting dirty?"

    Anna Brae answered all the questions; she had a good time. In Almia, she didn't often get to tinker with technology. She thought that her being moved to Jikasei was a good idea. In Jikasei, there were Pokémon Trainers and Pokémon Rangers. Anna knew that these people who loved Pokémon would appreciate the Union. She was here to spread the love, of course!

    "OK, OK. Settle down, class. Could we all take the time to thank our guest? She came all the way from Almia."

    The children clapped and said 'Thank you!' like children do, and Anna was off. She had barely made it out the door when a Pokémon dislodged itself from a tree. "Bun!"

    "Of course, Buneary, you're coming, too," Anna Brae said to her partner Pokémon. "We're taking my bike. We have plenty of time to cruise around."

    -----

    It was 5:50AM. Eustace was waiting for his watch to hit 6. The mapmaker wasn't at his stand yet. The mapmaker was a jolly old man with a huge, bushy mustache and a velvet fedora. He sold maps of Jikasei, and Eustace would need a map to find the first Gym.

    Margrove City was a very large, urban city. They had plenty of skyscrapers, Pokémon Centers, creepy guys in the alleyways. One might need a map just to get back to his house! Luckily, they had the mapmaker. He made nice maps. Which meant they were rather... expensive.

    Eustace shuffled through his hoodie pocket to find some money. He found $1.61. "Just enough to buy a map," he thought. But just then, something happened.
    Last edited by Vubberth; 28th April 2011 at 03:24 PM.

  8. #8
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    Default Re: Pokémon: Jikasei Journey

    --- Chapter 3: Lucky Break ---



    Anna Brae grasped the handles of the bike. The road here was a steep, cobblestone alleyway, and the bicycle was going forward at full speed, with it's rider unable to control it. Most people on the sidewalks ducked down and covered their faces when Anaheim drove by. Her struggle to control it suddenly became a central concern.

    Meanwhile, Eustace was waiting for the mapmaker to appear. He took another look at his Pokétch. "Just three more minutes," he thought, glancing around. It was around 6 o'clock, the normal waking time for Margrove citizens. People had begun gathering in the streets and markets. Eustace straightened his hoodie to look nice. That was when he heard Anna Brae on her bike. The Mechanic tore down the narrow Dirk's Alley, yelling at him to move. Eustace's eyes got big as he hurried to jump out of the way. He was one second too late.

    -----

    "Buneeee."

    Eustace woke up. A Buneary was standing over him, along with the mustached mapmaker and the woman riding the bicycle. He shook his head. "Did... did you just run me over?"

    "Heh heh..." Anna Brae hid a smile. "Sorry about that. This is a relatively slow motorbike, so I doubt you're seriously hurt."

    "You mean I'm not seriously hurt?" Eustace attempted to get up, but Buneary held him down. He could immediately tell why she did: his arm was burning with pain.

    "Are you alright, boy?" asked Dirk, the mapmaker.

    "Yeah, I'll be OK." At this point, Buneary was licking his arm. He didn't really see how this helped him.

    "Again, I'm so sorry I hit you. I wasn't in a hurry; the bike slid out of control when I went down that steep road." Anna Brae watched him with a look of concern parallel to the Pokémon next to him. Eustace could instantly tell that she and this Buneary had a bond.

    "Hmmm," Eustace said aloud. "If you bought me a map, that'd make up for it." Anna Brae looked at him questioningly for a moment, but then shrugged and took out some money. She handed it to Dirk.

    "This is Almia money!" Dirk exclaimed. He shuffled through it. "This is worth two times what Jikasei money is worth. You've given me all too much, miss."

    She smiled. "Keep the change. I'll be needing one of your maps as well." Eustace was surprised. He could tell by looking at her that Anna Brae was of the Ranger Union. Pokémon Rangers rarely left their bases to travel unless an extremely important mission was involved.

    "Aren't you a Pokémon Ranger?" asked Eustace. "I need a map because I'm a Pokémon Trainer, which makes sense. Why would you need one?"

    "Aren't you opening up!" Anna Brae smiled at him. "I'm actually a Mechanic for the Ranger Union in Almia, but I've been transferred to Jikasei temporarily. I actually plan to travel during my time here."

    "Travel? You mean, to see the Gym Leaders?"

    "That's right. I want to be the first Pokémon Mechanic to be the Champion!"
    Last edited by Vubberth; 28th April 2011 at 03:38 PM. Reason: Updated the awful image.

  9. #9
    Collaborate and listen. Vubberth's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokémon: Jikasei Journey

    Before I write Chapter 4, could somebody please review this? It's been a while since someone has posted.
    I have claimed: Bidoof | Fly | Everstone | Full Restore
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  10. #10
    Reader and Writer Legacy's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: Pokémon: Jikasei Journey

    I think it's a great start! Keep it up. Eustace seems like an intriguing character thus far.

    A couple suggestions:

    Perhaps it might be good to space your story a little better just so it's easier to follow. Maybe start a new paragraph anytime someone new talks. Right now, you kind of have people's quotes as well as other non-related actions all clumped together in the same paragraph. If you have someone speaking, then have a different person doing something that isn't related to the quote, use a separate paragraph. Just makes it's easier to follow what's going on.

    Also, maybe a bit more description would be nice. It's kind of dominated by back and forth dialog right now, which isn't all bad, but yeah a little more description about the characters' emotions, thoughts, feelings, etc. might be helpful.

    Other than that, I think it's a solid start. You obviously have skills and have a good idea of the story you want to tell.

    Keep up the good work!

    Coming Soon...

  11. #11
    The benevolant creator ArceusAlpha493's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokémon: Jikasei Journey

    Wow, I like this story. So his starter will be phanpy. Keep up the good work
    I have posted a Pokemon/Zelda crossover. If you are a fan of both series, please check it out and review. :)

    It will also be a crossover with My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and Land before Time

    http://bmgf.bulbagarden.net/f227/pokemon-legend-zelda-twilight-princess-pokemon-zelda-crossover-124285/

  12. #12
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    Default Re: Pokémon: Jikasei Journey

    Thank you both for your commentary. I can't promise any chapters soon because I'm extremely busy, but I'll see what I can do.
    I have claimed: Bidoof | Fly | Everstone | Full Restore
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    Default Re: Pokémon: Jikasei Journey

    Chapter 4: Hurt



    The Margrove Gym was a towering building, made of tightly packed bricks. Several vines grew up the side; Eustace could tell that the building didn't have a gardener. The Gym had a rather low window, and it was dusty and cracked. Eustace approached it to get a closer look in, but Anna Brae dragged him by the arm into the Gym. "Come on, we've got no time to lose!" she said ecstatically.

    Meanwhile, a Pokémon in one of Margrove's alleys was eating lunch... out of a trash bin. The Purrloin found a scrap of cheeseburger and ate it. The Pokémon was just one of the many strays in Margrove City. Most of them were mangy and not well cared-for, but this particular Purrloin didn't look so bad. She had been recently left alone, and not by abandon. She had had an owner, and he had a name: Jorge. Jorge had owned a day-care for Pokémon, and he had loved all of his Pokémon. Until one day.

    "I'm going out to get some milk! I'll be back, Buddy, Harley, Pria!" The Pokémon would smile and Jorge and bounce happily, they loved being under his care. Jorge had always fed and groomed them well, and they in return had helped him run the day-care. Around this time, it was going to go bankrupt, and they all had to work extra hard. Less and less people were coming to the day-care, but the Pokémon were never depressed. They knew their wonderful owner would always pull through for them. Jorge had brilliant red hair, and he always wore a special red overcoat, given to him by his father, who had run the day-care before him. He always felt closer to his father when he wore it. This one Summer day, the Pokémon didn't expect anything. They would play together, wash together. It would be a regular day.

    "Bwee, bwee," Buddy the Budew squealed. He had an odd taste for milk. Harley, the Voltorb, let loose small electric pulses, signifying his yearning for Jorge to return. Pria, the Purrloin, was busy licking herself to clean. It was routine for Jorge to leave the house at 2:30. She expected nothing out of the ordinary today. But, just then, a man in brown and black entered the house. He said his name was Looker, and he was looking for somebody. Pria found this rather ironic, but she wanted this man to leave the house, so she nodded towards the door.

    "Ah, your human has left," he said sadly. "I'm afraid that... Jorge was your only?" The Pokémon nodded uncertainly. Looker shook his head. "I'm afraid that Jorge was hit by a car."

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