Pokemon Agger Region

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  1. #1
    Registered User legon's Avatar
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    Default Pokemon Agger Region

    So that is my first fanfic. I am forteen y.o. and I am from greece so my english is not so good. I have a funfic with new pokemons that I have make. The heroous are I my sister and my buddie.So.....
    CH:01 PROFESSOR DRAKE

    "Come on, White. We come too late to professor's lab.", I have yelled from the door.
    "Yes, I'm coming!",have answeres my sister.She was tall for he's age and she have white hairs and very light blue eyes. We was going to Professor's Drake lab he wanted from us something. About one quarter we was there. The lab was a old-like house with red bricks and a garden. We have knock on the door. A boy about forteen y.o."Hello. Black and White?"
    "Yes.",answered my sister.
    "Come in. Professor is waiting for us.".We went in to the house."And you are?"
    "I am Grey. I am Professor's son.", he sayit like that was nothing. He has opened the door and tell his father that we have arrived."Ok."
    "Well,well. Black and White. Two so diffrent brothers.Come in. I want to saw you something.''.On hes desk was three pokeballs. I was wantering why."I clear to you the reason I have called you today here.I want some new blood to take over a mission. To clear this land from evil, like Team Darkness,to beat all the gyms and to complete the Agger pokedex. So, you accept this chalenge or not?".
    "Ofcurse! That is amazing. I become a Trainer like my father!"
    "You, White?"
    "I don't now.O.. what I'm talking about! Ofcurse."
    "Ok. I have here three pokeballs. Everyone is taking one. You too Grey. I also giving to you a xtransceiver to contact with me and with you parents, a map of Agger Region and a pokedex. So. I will explain to you the three pokemons. The left one is Leafan, the middle one is Flaon and the right one is Peng. The choise is up to you."
    "I pick first!",yelled White."I pick the right one."
    "Ok. My turn.I pick the left one.", sayed
    "Grey?"
    "Yes. I pick the middle one, ofcurse."
    "Ok. Here is yours pokedex,xtransceiver and map. The journey is beggining. The first town, Nornd Town is to the nord. You get through route 1 and you will arive. Next, in Sakusa City, is the 1st Gym.That is the information untill now. So, take good care and have a good journey. Bye,bye.".
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    That was the fisrt chapter. I know I have some mistakes but I think I am good. Comment and rate. I have my Generation so anyone he have a good idea for pokemon just sayed.

  2. #2
    is obsessed with Noivern! Zekurom's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokemon Agger Region

    Well, your English doesn't seem to be the only problem...

    Your story seems to be a very bare-bones description about what the journey is like - almost as if you're summarizing it.

    That's not fun to read - try and flesh it out a little more - perhaps by inserting a few scenes where more stuff happens, and describing things a little more. For example, what do Leafan, Flaon, and Peng actually look like?
    The word "quadragonal" is the only word with "dragon" in it where "dragon" is not a root word. That makes it awesome.

  3. #3
    Registered User legon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokemon Agger Region

    ok.yes you are right. I was writing short because I was doing my homework so I promise the second one to be realy good. I am a good writter (on greek ofcurse).I am writting from 8 y.o. with orthography! So, Leafan: Tiny Iggouana Pokemon. Grass Type.
    Peng:Small Penguin. Water Type.
    Flaon:Lion Puppy. Fire Type.

  4. #4
    Registered User legon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokemon Agger Region

    CH02:Route 1

    We was outside the lab. Grey was staring at me with hes deep black eyes."What?",I sayed.
    "I was thinking to do a battle with one of you to test myself."
    "I want!",sayed White.
    "Ok. Let's fight. Go Flaon!". The Flaon has yelled.
    "Ha! That is only think you got? Go Peng!".
    "Peeeeeeeeng!",sayed Peng."Peng do peck!", souted White.
    "Dodge it!". Flaon removed from hes place and Peng hited the earth."Well done boy!Now, tackle!", souted.
    "Dodge it!".Flaon was to speedly to escape from him. He hited Peng with all hes body.Peng flyed two metters away."Oh, dear. Are you ok?".
    "Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeng!", answered Peng.
    "Ok. Now time to do some damage to Flaon. Peck, again!", yelled White.
    "Flaon, do tackle.", sayed Grey. The two pokemons was running to the other with amazing speed to a so tiny pokemon. Explosion. "Flaon, are you ok?".
    "Peng?". They have moved to the pokemons to the middle of the area. Flaon was alright. He was cleaning his fair. Peng was down.
    "Yes!Victory!Well done Flaon.", souted Grey with joy.
    "Fleeeeeee", answered Flaon.
    "Yeah. Come back now.". He turned to me."You, Black?"
    "I think the two pokemons are tiried. Better we, I and White, to go to our parents to tell them for the journey. They must know.", I answered.
    "No. You affraid to do battle with me! That is it! You are affraid."
    "No. I'm not! White let's go!", I sayed.
    "If you are not affraid then battle with me."
    "I don't battle with you because you pokemon are tiried and you will lose. Happy now?"
    "Ok. But we do a battle on Nornd Town, ok?", he asked.
    "Yes. We'will meet about in a half hour on the north exit of the town.", I informed Grey.
    "Ok.Bye, bye.Until then!".
    We went home. Our mum was sitting on the living room and watching TV."Mum?", sayed White.
    "Yes, dear?", asked mum.
    "We must tell you something.", I sayed.
    "And what is that?"
    "We will leave the house."
    "What? Why?"
    "We go to a journey in all the region with a mission from Professor Drake. We have a xtransceiver and we will call you sometimes."
    "Alone?"
    "No. Its and Professor's son, Grey, with us."
    "Oh. My childrens are going away."
    "Mum! We will return sometime. Sure."
    "Its a difficult decision,but........... ok."
    "Sure?", asked White.
    "Yes. Sure.", answered mum.
    "So.....Bye, bye then.", I sayed.
    "Bye, bye and have a good journey."
    "Thanks", sayed White from outside. It was already afternoon. Grey was waiting for us on the north exit.
    "That is Route 1. Here is beggining our journey.", I sayed."Ready?", I asked everybody.
    "Yes", they answered an we have get in on Route 1.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------
    Ok. I am exsausted. How is that now? I think more better from the first. Comment and rate!

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    is obsessed with Noivern! Zekurom's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokemon Agger Region

    *sigh* It's much better than the first one, but you've still got a long way to go.

    A few words that you might want to keep in mind: "sayed" should be "said". "Affraid" should be "afraid". Stuff like that.

    Also, you're using the perfect past tense (stuff like "has yelled") where it should be the simple. The simple past tense is used to account for stuff that "has happened", whereas the perfect past tense is used for things that "have already happened".

    Like here:

    "Ok. Let's fight. Go Flaon!". The Flaon has yelled.
    It should just be "The Flaon yelled".

    Now, besides the grammar, let's touch on another issue - your story seems to have a lot of dialogue in it - every paragraph is just somebody speaking. Have some more actions in it - that is, things without dialogue.
    The word "quadragonal" is the only word with "dragon" in it where "dragon" is not a root word. That makes it awesome.

  6. #6
    I feel so much spring... Cabaret's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokemon Agger Region

    yeah, the dialogue isn't working out for me. And some of the grammar is...interesting. Not all of it is incorrect (but most of it is), and the stuff that isn't incorrect comes out as blocky and strange. How about getting someone to type out your stories for you? You clearly have a plot and seem to know which way you want your fanfic to go.

  7. #7
    Registered User legon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokemon Agger Region

    Quote Originally Posted by Cabaret View Post
    yeah, the dialogue isn't working out for me. And some of the grammar is...interesting. Not all of it is incorrect (but most of it is), and the stuff that isn't incorrect comes out as blocky and strange. How about getting someone to type out your stories for you? You clearly have a plot and seem to know which way you want your fanfic to go.
    I can't do this because I am 14 y.o. and my mum have a lot of work to do. Thanks for the information.

  8. #8
    I feel so much spring... Cabaret's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokemon Agger Region

    Not a problem, I also reccomend you check out some of the other fics in the workshop, they certainly "inspire" or something like that.

  9. #9
    Registered User legon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokemon Agger Region

    Yes I have seen yours and is realy good

  10. #10
    Registered User legon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokemon Agger Region

    Shit, shit, shit, S H I T!!!!!! I was writting the third chapter. I was finished and when I send it the connection was low. And.................
    Caboom! Three hours writting for nothing.SHIT!

  11. #11
    is obsessed with Noivern! Zekurom's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokemon Agger Region

    Well, did you save a copy on your computer?

    It's a good idea to type the chapters up in a word processor first, and then copy and paste them over.
    The word "quadragonal" is the only word with "dragon" in it where "dragon" is not a root word. That makes it awesome.

  12. #12
    Registered User legon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokemon Agger Region

    CHO3:Nornd Town and Flame

    We get in Route 1. The route was full of flowers and plants. Leafan was very happy and he was running on the grassy plains. Some pokemons like cats was eating grass. A big steel rino was sleeping under a big tree. On a bratch was hanging a snake-like pokemon staring at the pokemon beneeth. I openned my pokedex. First was the cats."Psycat.Medium Pokemon.Psychc Type.". Second was the big steel rino. "Armorino. Armor Pokemon. Steel Type.". And third was the snake pokemon. "Smugluf. Snake Pokemon. Grass Type.". I turned to Smugluf. Now he was staring at me. "You must catch it.", I thinked. The problem was that the Armorino was sleeping under the tree. I approached the tree from behind. Bad idea. I maked a noise and Armorino waked up. He snord, went up and start hunting me. I start running for my life. "Black! Maybe we can fight it if we put all the pokemons we have.", said White.
    "Yes. Good Idea. Leafan, do tackle.", I said without stoping to running. I forgeted that Armorino is like a armor. Leafan hited his steel body. He feld down confused. "We can't win it! Better we run!", souted Grey. Armorino hunted us about 10 minutes. Then he borred and leaved us in peace. The sun was burning and we was swet from running. In the grass near us some Psycats was eating. "Ok. We can catch them. It's not dangerous.", I said. "Leafan, approach them slowly from behind and do tackle.", I said to my pokemon. Leafan approached them and he hited one of them with tackle. He was not respecting something like that. He feld down confused. "Good work, Leafan!", I said as I was throwing a pokeball( I forgeted to write it on the first chapter but everyone gotted 5 pokeballs) to the pokemon. Clink, clink, clink........Tout! The pokemon was catched. My first catched pokemon! "Youhou!", I souted.
    "Don't sout! The Armorino is not far. He can steal lisening us.", said Grey. I zipped my mouth and we continued our travel on Route 1. We was near the Nornd Town as I saw a man with dark, red hair and black eyes to feeding a pokemon. I opened my pokedex to take informations about this pokemon. "Growlithe. Puppy Pokemon. Fire Type.". I approached the trainer. "Hi. Nice pokemon.", I said.
    "Thanks! Who are you? I am Flame.", said Flame.
    "I am black and I am a pokemon trainer too. That is not a pokemon from this region. Right?", I asked Flame.
    "Yes.Right. This is from Kanto. I am from Kanto. I comed here all over Kanto to win the Agger Region's Champion: Mist.", he said.
    "Realy? If you want some trainig here I am.", I chalenged him.
    "Ok. If you want. Growlithe do tackle!", he said.
    "Leafan, do the same!", I ordered Leafan. The two pokemons was running the one toward to the other. In the last minute I ordered Leafan to dodge it. Leafan was fast enough to remove himself outside Growlithe's road. Growlithe was running so much that he couldn't stop. He hited on a tree and feld down knocked out. That was fast! My first battle was over with me winner. Cool! "The first fight was fast. But the battle is not over. Go, Spathiou!", said Flame. Dam. He has a second one. I opened my pokedex nervously. "Spathiou. Sabertooth Pokemon. Electrike Type.". "Spathiou, do body slam!", he ordered.
    "Leafan, do razor leafs.", I said. That was a very difficult move to do for Leafan. But Leafan concetreted. "Come on. I know you can do it", I said to Leafan. Spathiou was approaching. More near. More near. MORE NEAR. "Leaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaf!", souted Leafan and a cloud of very sharp leafs hited Spathiou. That was a very powerfull attack and Spathiou knocked out. Leafan was confused and exsausted. I withdrawed my pokemon to rest. "That was a good battle. You are a good trainer.", said Flame and he disapeared to the forest. Now the battle was realy over and I was the winner. "Strange. I have the feeling that we will see him again sometime.", I said.
    "Let's go. Soon it will be night.", said white and we continued our travel. In about 15 minutes we was outside of the town. We get in and we went to a pokemon center to rest our pokemons. "What do you want? We are closing in few minutes", said the nurse.
    "We just want a restore our pokemons.", said Grey. In few minutes all the pokemons was restored. "Where is the exit to Route 2?", I asked the nurse.
    "In the west of the town.", she informed us.
    "Thanks.".
    We went outside of the town on a opening of the forest and we pened our sleeping bags to sleep. I get in my sleeping bag and I looked the night sky. There was fullmoon.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------
    That is good! Comment and rate.

  13. #13
    Registered User legon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokemon Agger Region

    pleaze someone to help me. I want to register on rpgs and I don't know how.
    If you can send me(with comment)(here)a link or just say how.PLEASE!

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