13th October 2013, 10:45 PM #376
Want some pancakes?
Re: Pokemon Academy Year II: Second Year Rhapsody
OMG Indirect Freed and Stacy kiss!!!
I don't know if anyone else pointed these out or not but I feel its important.
Don't forget events that happened in the first year. There is a lack of reference to it or things that should play a role in this fic. For example: Valerie had an obvious crush on Darren in the first year, however now she doesn't act that way at all. How come Reggie doesn't use the sword?
Character Ages and histories: I noticed this with the sex stuff. Don't forget your character's ages, also consider their histories. Reggie in the first year was a virgin, and I assume he stayed like that until Miko took it. You have to consider her too though. I hope you already know this, but when a girl has sex for the first time it hurts. Implications of Miko's relationship history or even better, stating it would have been nice. Darren talked about Reggie getting laid before it happened, which implied them knowing her history possibly, but not the readers. Valerie is the same, it wasn't even known that she had dated anyone either.
Careful of your wording-you had Zephyr literally walk at one point. Also you have characters stutter but don't show it. You should do more like this: "I-I l-love you, Darren," Midori stuttered out her confession. Show the stutter don't just say it because then we don't know what was stuttered.
I think that's it that I can think of right now. I'll probably yell at you later if I find more. Can't wait for the next chapter