Here to review!
Not even that far in and I'm already catching something I don't like:
"A small, black screen was stationed on the edge between the sand and water, it lit up, revealing it was split across the middle horizontally."
See how many unnecessary words can be revealed? It really helps things flow better and at a nicer pace, the slightest change can make a big difference.
While this isn't a cause for concern, the second "back" isn't needed.He drew his arm back before quickly whipping it back forward and throwing the ball at the water.Inconsistency, the Gyarados is referred to as a "he" directly after being called an "it." Just try to be consistent, do we know the Gyarados's gender or not.
The Pokemon glared at Tyson; its eyes staring deeply at his opponent as he tried to intimidate him even more.
This didn’t seem to affect Tyson though, who had now taken out his own Pokeball.Another inconsistency, are you capitalizing Pokeball or not?“Very well,” he muttered, softly sliding a pokeball from his belt before pointing at Tyson.
The repetitiveness that came with using "wave" so much is something I want to point out also there's no need to refer to it as a "wave of water," readers know its a wave of water.The water around Infernape began to move around and wavered. A large wave of water proceeded to materialize around Infernape and towered over as it approached the fire type with all its might. Infernape stared at the wave before jumping back and leaping off the platform as swiftly as it could, successfully managing to land on the next platform as the wave fell on the spot where it used to be.
It looked around at the water curiously before turning to face its trainer, probably wondering why its trainer had sent it out in such a field.Another gender inconsistency.The fire type was quick on his feet though and jumped up from the platform, causing the tail to completely destroy it.
“Where’s he gonna run though!?” Fin snickered victoriously as he saw Gyarados launch itself forward once more and firing a large blue colored sphere down at Infernape."Breezed to the water" or "Breezed on the water." Also there's no need for the last part of the second sentence, "Infernape beagan to run around swiftly on the edge of the water, its feet moving like a blur as he breezed on the surface of it, as if he was floating about it himself." And again, there's no need for me to point this out so I'll stop after this, but another gender inconsistency.What happened next was something that shocked Fin as well as the whole audience. Infernape began to run around swiftly on the edge of the water, its feet moving like a blur as he breezed to the water, almost as if he was floating above the water itself. “Wait…its running on the water, but how!?”
Is trainer being capitalized or not?The Pokemon finally fell into the water and began to flap and swing its arms around desperately. It knew that if it got sucked into the whirlpool that would be its end as well as his Trainer’s lost. It didn’t want to lose; it didn’t want its trainer to lose, not after all the experiences they had and the position they had obtained.
"Just as the whirlpool was about to suck Infernape down/in" you're missing a word.Just as the whirlpool was about to suck Infernape a bright beam of red flew towards it and surrounded the Pokemon. Fin looked towards Tyson, who was now returning Infernape into its pokeball. “Taking the easy way out is always better huh,” he scoffed.
"The Pokemon glared at him once it was fully out, water running down its face and body before it went back under."The Pokemon glared at him once it was fully out; water running down its face and body before it went back into the water.
Removed the second use of water, comes off as reductive since we know its in water.
There's no need for the second "his."“Okay what the fuck!” Tyson screamed, his fist clenched and his teeth gritted as he glared at his opponent, who was now laughing hysterically. “You were going to throw me off!?”
I know you mean "Thrash" but little mistakes like that really give off a bad vibe, it makes it seem like you didn't check over this well which we both know is not true. ;)“Use Trash Gyarados!”
I literally just found this one line after the last one, once is understandable.Gyarados let out a deafening roar as its body began trashing around the water, causing it to become turbulent and wave around it.
I think you mean attacking it, since taking advantage of it means to use it in a way that helps Gyarados. That's not happening.Gyarados charged towards Milotic once more; however, the water type was unwilling to let its opponent take anymore advantage of it.
The plural of Milotic is Milotic, not Milotics. That goes for every Pokemon.Before Gyarados could reach its target more Milotics began to appear, one after the next as they all began to swim around the Gyarados and managing to avoid the attack.
Gyarados can't use Thunderbolt, at all. I know errors and mistakes happen, but when you make mistakes like these it makes it seem as if you researched things poorly. Again, we know that isn't true.“That’s not going to do much good,” Fin gritted his teeth in frustration. “Gyarados, use Thunderbolt!”
Just some useless words that can be dumped:Gyarados raised its head as the crown on its head began to spark with electricity. It proceeded to fire a barrage of electric currents inside of the water; unfortunately, this ended up affecting both Milotic and Gyarados as the electricity spread around all throughout the water.
"Gyarados raised its head as its crown began to spark. It proceeded to fire a barrage of electric currents inside of the water, unfortunately, this ending up affecting both Milotic and Gyarados as the electricity spread all throughout the water."
"a tornado of wind..."The Pokemon became alert as soon as it saw this and proceeded to fire tornado of wind that collided and connected with the Blizzard attack.
You used "dragon" a tad too much. ^^;; Basilisk, serpent, creature, reptile, these could all work.Both attacks proceeded to break apart, sending bubbles and waves all around and causing the two Pokemon to float away. “You’re not half bad for a second year snob.”
“And you’re not half bad for a third year douchebag,” Fin smiled confidently, he turned to the screen once more, his mind racing with the possible outcomes that the battle could end up turning to. “Now I know that it can use ice type attacks as well, meaning that if I want to win I’ll have to keep up with Dragonair’s speed which shouldn’t really be a problem.”
He stared at the water in thought as he tried to consider every possibility of attack.
“Now I’m going to get you back for before, Milotic use Whirlpool!” Milotic let out another chime from within the water before it proceeded to swim around Dragonair. This caused both Fin and the dragon Pokemon to become curious.
However, as Milotic began to gain more and more speed the water around Dragonair began to spin around rapidly, quickly sucking the dragon into the now forming water tornado and causing it to wail in pain.
The Whirlpool started to come out from the water and rise into the sky, causing water drops to fall on Tyson and Fin as the air around it was sucked by it.
Inside the whirlpool Milotic was doing everything it could in attacking dragon, with it swimming around and slamming against it. Dragonair tried as best it could to get away, but with every second that passed it would get sucked even deeper into the whirlpool.
“Tornado, not just here but since you started using the word, could easily be substituted with vortex, cyclone, etc. Varying your words can help things out in the smallest way, believe it or not.Dragonair use Twister!”
Dragonair opened its eyes wide and started to spin its own body, now beginning to spin counter clockwise so that he was moving against the force of the whirlpool. A large tornado of wind began to form inside of the water tornado and absorb both the force and the water that Milotic had accumulated.
Finally Dragonair roared, causing the tornado to break apart and for Milotic to dive back down into the water; its body panting heavily as it went back into refuge. “Let’s finish this Dragonair, use Thunder!”
Why is "castle" capitalized?She and Angelo were both standing in the center of a concrete floor just outside of the Castle.
ThunderShock. Unless you're separating it on purpose? :P“Raichu start off with Thunder Shock!”
"Her mind going back" redundancy. We already know she's remembering something.Allison’s mind went back to the events of the night before, her mind going back to the promised that she had made with Darren about baking a cake if they won; she smiled warmly, her head facing the floor now as she realized that it wasn’t such a farfetched idea anymore. “Now Raichu, let’s end this.”
"Out" makes it seem like she did expect it, just say "not."Standing before her was a Pokemon that was certainly out of what she would expect from Angelo, a Garbodor.
rat Pokemon's electricity...On the side of the rat Pokemon electricity began to pick up from the floor and surround its body before it eventually was covered with a coat of electricity; the Pokemon raised its speed and fired off towards Picasso with the speed of a cannon ball.
Very awkward and unneeded.He knew that he had been able to beat her, even if not by battling skill the field had been on his side and he had managed to win. “Wait! It’s not over yet!” Allison exclaimed, she staring at the screen desperately as she looked at Valerie.
Why the single quote at the end?“All women are the same, hell all people are the same, as long as they have a need for you they’ll be with you, that’s the basic of life…that’s how the weak feed off the strong to survive,’
Anyway, read this chapter. Unfortunately, my biggest grip, as usual, is the amount of mistakes you make. You have a lot of experience with writing fanfiction, I know proofreading can be very boring and tedious but you must check thoroughly. Pretty much most of the time I give reviews I feel like I'm repeating myself over and over, the same exact things and pointing out the same exact errors. I really don't feel like you're actually checking for them, it's a bit annoying because if someone is going through so much trouble(I spent two hours on this review.) to find and catch these errors it'd at least be nice if you were more cautious of them. Again, making the mistake a few times is fine but it feels like you're stagnating. A review is only as good as you make it. Hoping I'm not coming off as rude.
That being said, I enjoyed the battle challenges quite a bit. I liked seeing a lot of Pokemon I really like(Dragonair, Raichu, Smeargle, Milotic, etc.) battle and your use of running on the water, Marvel Scale, and some out there choices, like giving Angelo a Garbordor, were pretty entertaining. The characterization and interactions of Fin and the Enforcers were great and it gave them some nice personality-fied moments that I enjoyed.
Your flow had quite a bit to be desired this chapter, that mostly came from awkward wording. Though it can be improved on. Didn't expect both of the Media Club members to get stomped on in one chapter, especially when it seemed that Perfect Sketch was all figured out for Allison. Not everything rests on Reggie's shoulders and we get a small look into Allison's weakness as a character with her losing. I'm actually curious if this is leading somewhere, so it was a solid chapter no doubt. As I said before, a large majority of entertainment value for me came from Fin and the Enforcers. ^^